Concerned for my brothers health

LegacyUser

There are 11 years between me and my younger sibling, he is 22.
When he was a toddler our mother would cook his food, he always got the same meals everyday, chicken nuggets and chips with ketchup or fried sausages, pizza, sausage rolls, potato wedges, potato waffles and toast. On a Sunday he would get some mashed potato and maybe a bit of chicken or ham but his portions were always tiny.
As he got older our mum continued to give him the same food and portion sizes that he got as a toddler, she never tried to change his diet or introduce him to new foods, she served him his food on a baby plate up until his teens.
He was very skinny with his bones protruding and as his diet was so appalling I would say to him and our mother that he needs to eat more and he needs to be eating healthier food but she would just shout at me to mind my own business.
I moved out of home for a couple of years but came back one Summer, at this stage my brother would have been 16 or 17, not only was he skin and bone, pale with dark circles around his eyes but he wasnt able to take care of himself, his meals still consisted of tiny portions of chips and processed chicken nuggets or sausage rolls and ketchup. He couldnt cook anything for himself, he could make toast but that was it, he couldnt brush his teeth properly and couldn't tie his shoe laces. My mother bought all his shoes but only ever bought him Velcro shoes so he wouldnt have to tie them.
I tried teaching him how to tie his laces and how to cook but again I was told to mind my own business. My brother also showed little to no interest in learning.
At one stage I bought loads of healthy food for the house, as he likes to eat burgers from mcdonalds I went to the butchers and bought good quality meat and cooked him a healthy burger with lettuce and tomato but he refused to eat it and got annoyed at me for making it for him.
I tried my best but its up to himself now what he eats and does with his life and I dont mention it anymore as he's an adult but im secretly very worried about him.
I was home recently and noticed he's extremely skinny, I walked into his room one of the days and he was sitting in his bed with his top off, he looked like a skeleton, his ribs and sternum were clearly outlined and protruding, his arms are so skinny he really is not far off one of those pictures you see of the starving people in the Nazi camps. He's extremely pale with dark circles under his eyes, sleeps all the time as he has no energy, rarely ever goes out just sits infront of his computer playing games online. If he eats and then walks any distance he gets cramps in his stomach. He has never eaten a vegetable or fruit in his life but will eat lots of sweets, his diet is very restricted and he wont try anything new.
My parents dont care and wont say anything to him and he doesnt show any interest in changing but im so worried, his health must be terrible.
Does it sound like he has an eating disorder? is there anything I can do?

antix80

Your parents are a disgrace but your brother is an adult now and it's his choice how he lives his life.

Church on Tuesday

How is your relationship with your parents?, did they provide you with healthy food growing up and was your brother a fussy eater when he was young?

iamwhoiam

Does your brother have special needs OP ? Has a social worker ever been assigned to him ? Has he seen a GP or been given any assistance ?
It sounds like he is a lot of worry for you and personally I would approach the public health nurse to see how you can help him

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

My relationship with my parents is ok. Me and my other siblings got given much healthier meals when we were kids, my brother is the youngest and I dont know what happened? He wasnt picky but wasnt given other options so its hard to say.
My mother stopped buying proper food when we were teenagers and my youngest brother was very young, she would only buy chicken nuggets and processed food and would make chips everyday.
At one stage, when we were about 15 me and my other siblings asked her to stop buying chicken nuggets and to please buy some healthier food as there was nothing else to eat but nothing changed.

He doesnt have any special needs, he just seems complacent and doesnt to want to change. He doesnt see anything wrong with his lifestyle so I dont feel theres much I can do.

Church on Tuesday

ConcernedSibling wrote: »

Thanks for the replies

My relationship with my parents is ok. Me and my other siblings got given much healthier meals when we were kids, my brother is the youngest and I dont know what happened? He wasnt picky but wasnt given other options so its hard to say.
My mother stopped buying proper food when we were teenagers and my youngest brother was very young, she would only buy chicken nuggets and processed food and would make chips everyday.
At one stage, when we were about 15 me and my other siblings asked her to stop buying chicken nuggets and to please buy some healthier food as there was nothing else to eat but nothing changed.

He doesnt have any special needs, he just seems complacent and doesnt to want to change. He doesnt see anything wrong with his lifestyle so I dont feel theres much I can do.

Was your mother busy with work or illness? I only ask because that may explain the lack of interest/time to prep proper meals and unfortunately your younger brother suffered as a result.

Is your brother in college or working or anything? It sounds like he may be suffering from depression and a poor diet won't help with that.

Ultimately he is an adult and unless he wants to change things for himself there is not much you can do for him.

That all sounds very sad,I'd lay all the blame with your mother tbh I'd say your brother is institutionalised in a way,I cant see how you can actually help unless you move him out of the house and that's unlikely to happen, surely others have seen that it's an awful existence for him(siblings, relatives etc),have you discussed it with anyone else?

antix80

My grandmother was from a large family and her father died young. The older kids worked, the younger kids went to school, and the "baby" was kept at home for company. Crazy stuff, but she (the baby) died close to age 80 not knowing how to read or write. In her later years, all she'd eat was yoghurts and buns and it took a lot of effort to get her to eat properly.

If you want to help your brother, get him out of that environment. I doubt the police or social workers can help because he's not "bad enough." But he's wasting his life. Try to socialise him, get him away from your parents (invite him on holiday?) and maybe things will work out.

ILoveYourVibes

I'm so sorry OP. Your mom really let him down.

Antix that is awful!

Is there someone that has influence in the family over your brother or mom? Someone with authority over them or who has their respect? Just anyone who could have a little chat.


Then maybe whenever you visit only have healthy food yourself and make it look Delicious.

Also maybe point out that people will look at his diet as babyish. Not directly. But indirectly. I mean him having to order from the child's menu out on a date is hardly going to give him confidence is it?

Take him out for a meal. And hand him a child's menu. See how he reacts. You order something healthy but something that looks good and devour it.

Maybe get him to try smoothies and berried oranges watermelon is hard not to like.

Then if he likes fruits show him you can season veg and salads. I can make broccoli taste amazing.

Let him see the health side of things. But also the social ones.

Teach how to tie his laces. It has to be done!

Hobosan

Unless you're willing to experiment with psychological coercion, then there's little you could achieve alone I imagine.

What that might entail I'm unsure of. Perhaps Google has some info on coercing people into eating more?

Forget eating healthily for now, and maybe concentrate on getting him up to a healthy weight on the junk food he's eating somehow. That would be progress of sorts if he's alarmingly thin.

It may be easier to convince him to eat healthier if he has a better body image. He may even come around to that himself.

This line of thinking might produce results if he refuses help from specialists in these areas.


This would take alot of effort for possibly no improvement, and it would be devious to manipulate him into things. Ultimately, I don't see a nice or easy way of improving his diet.

It probably sounds heartless to suggest what I have, but these are the techniques psychiatrists ans psychologists employ, so if he refuses to see a specialist then taking these matters into your own hands may be worth a try if you are compelled to help.


Having a look at the literature on improving diets of malnourished/emaciated people or extremely picky eaters would be my main suggestion. See what's achievable and has a track record of success. You'll likely find information on cases which match your brothers habits which would be extremely valuable.

Hobosan

I should add, I'm only suggesting coercion if he's in a very bad way.

If you can find decent information about his eating habits, why they exist and how to improve them, and you can explain this to your brother, he may be responsive to the suggestions.

Obviously I don't know him well enough to gauge how he'd respond to suggestions.

Hobosan

So for example, I Googled. 'science adult processed food picky eater anorexic'. That's slightly vague but it gets the ball rolling. Make sure to put the word 'science' in your searches as any searches on diets will throw up alot of celebrity beauty nonsense.

Scroll down the results and look at the 'sciencey' sounding links until you find articles which describe your brothers behaviour and development.

The Wikipedia article on avoidant/restrictive food intake sounds promising. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant/restrictive_food_intake_disorder

At least build up enough information that you can explain his symptoms and eating habits to a nutritional specialist who could give informed recommendations on how to proceed, if you deem his situation as critical. The emaciation you described sounds serious, and it would be a shame to ignore it when some basic dietary changes could improve and decades to his life.

Under eating must be a very well studied subject, as it's a common phenomenon and well studied subject in this day and age usually have solutions.


(Apologies if explaining how to do somewhat useful Google searches came across as condescending, but many people are... to put it frankly... terrible at Google searches.)

Xterminator

Hi Op

I was told to mind my own business.
is there anything I can do?

you have tried to impart your wisdom. you were told to butt out. So dont try to discuss with your brother, as any 'discussions' will be counter productive. Sometimes who the message is coming from is as important as the message. your his brother and he is not receptive to you. The harder you push the more he will clam up.

As your worried about his health you could try to discuss with parents, and suggest they encourage him/them to schedule a checkup with GP. They can make it so its presented as a regular check up. It is possible that he might listen to the same message you tried to give him, coming from GP and perhaps be more open to what is discussed.

But at 22 you also have to accept he has autonomy over these decisions, and every right to eat crap. however if your parents were to only fill the fridge cupboards with healthier options he might be nudged in the right direction.

but if your parents are not on board then you had better take a back seat on this one.

BrokenArrows

Very strange behavior from your parents.
If it was raised with authorities when he was still a child then this would likely be taken as child abuse and social services would have gotten involved.

But its more difficult now that he is an adult.

He has been raised to a certain lifestyle and due to being malnourished likely hasn't developed fully and doesn't have the energy or will to change things.

You wont change his diet over night. I think step one would be to increase the quantity of food he is eating, even if its still just nuggets and chips.

Are you in a position to have him come and stay with you for a few months? Maybe offer it to him as just a change of scenery with nothing related to his diet and weight.

If he comes to stay with you then you can gradually serve him bigger quantities, gradually show him the basics of how to cook chips and nuggets, and maybe introduce one new food to his diet. You will likely have to trick him into eating more by just adding more to his plate gradually 1 extra nugget or sausage here and there.

Not sure what sort of nuggets and sausages he eats, but if they are the ****ty processed kind then maybe try and switch to high quality ones.

Don't expect miracles, one new food choice and an increase in food intake would be a massive win.

Wanderer78

Your brother may need professional help at this stage, it sounds like a disorder of some sort, maybe a developmental disorder such as autism, but this would have to be professionally assessed, a gp is a good starting point. Best of luck

jimgoose

antix80 wrote: »

Your parents are a disgrace but your brother is an adult now and it's his choice how he lives his life.

He is not a functioning adult because he was never provided with the tools that most adults have. The poor child doesn't even know what proper meat is. OP, I don't know what's going through your mother's head, but that youngfella needs professional help at this stage.