How can I have a normal life, with no support.

LegacyUser

This is gonna be a long one, will try and keep this tidy and straight forward as I can.... I'm crap at writing and putting my thoughts together.... Anyway....

I am between the age of 23 to 33. I work full time. Am a pretty independent person. Did not go to college. Both parents alive and healthy, siblings are older and opposite sex to me.

Im finding life quite challenging ATM. Why so? Because I am so lonely. Why am I lonely? Because I have an abnormal relationship with my family and have no close friends. I don't have 1 genuine, solid "this person has my back" Person in my life. I struggle to make friendships, and tbh even be myself. I don't think I really know who I fully am.

I have also had a couple of years of counseling and therapy. But I just feel as though im not getting out of this rut because, as the title says, I have no support.

I am so envious of people who have it and don't even realize it. I only dream of figuring out a career, I do have one in mind but I just can't go for it because feeling so alone, I worry for my mental health and can see myself dropping out of this career. I can see it's really is the little things in life, that make life itself.

Because of my crap childhood and, family situation, I didn't learn to be myself, didn't have confidence which lead me to develop social anxiety.... But that has become more manageable in the last few years. I was never encouraged to do what I wanted, it was always, always about what the neighbors think. My parents were street angles house devil's. I have moved out of home.

I don't think I have ever felt I fitted in, because I hold back so much, and am quiet ashamed of my family suitation and the fact I have no friends.

My siblings weren't the nicest to me, ya there was the typical fighting when we were younger but now we have no relationship. What. So. Ever. I have tried with them, and tbh I'd get more out of a wall talking to it. I'm coming to the conclusion to just not bother or think about them anymore, which is quite hard as one of them lives not too far from me and has never once invited me to their house with their partner. They are both quite popular and respected which iv to admit is a bit of a kick in the face because they just don't bother with me, and no one knows.

At work, in all my jobs really, I have never made any connections. I do go out of the way to join in and add my opinion but I just still feel I'm not part of the 'group'. Even a hobby I play, I don't feel part of the team. Many times I wanted to quit for this reason, but I chose to stick with it as I don't give up that easy.

I'm sorry this seems all over the place. I am currently in therapy ATM, but I still find because I have no one, that has my back or just a phone call away, life is....... I dunno, bleak. And lonely. It's **** that the only person that I can talk to, I have to hand over 50euro for it.

Is their anyone on this that has had to same feelings and experiences as me?

My dream is to meet someone, accept me and my current suitation (tbh I wouldn't find it a bit attractive myself, yep shooting Myself in the foot) have a family and just be happy.

Can I live a normal typical happy life, with no support? I don't think so, but would like to see others thoughts on my situation.....

Thanks for reading

zoobizoo

What does your therapist say?

LegacyUser

My therapist has helped me join clubs and just try change my thoughts. Basically just gives me advice to keep going and that things will work out for me.

I guess I posted this because I want to know of anyone else has been in a similar suitation to mine, and tbh sometimes when I'm being told things will happen, it just often feels like it won't when I can't make simple friendships.

ILoveYourVibes

It kind of seems you are lacking a mysterious ingredient to help things fall into place.

leonffrench

Is there a person inside you that you want to be but feel you can't for fear of not being accepted?

qwerty13

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

It kind of seems you are lacking a mysterious ingredient to help things fall into place.

There’s no mystery about it. The OP said that they hold back a lot. Until that changes, others can probably sense that and don’t give of themselves to the OP.

LegacyUser

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

It kind of seems you are lacking a mysterious ingredient to help things fall into place.

Yeah, it really does feel like that too

LegacyUser

leonffrench wrote: »

Is there a person inside you that you want to be but feel you can't for fear of not being accepted?

Ya exactly, and it's as if another voice is telling me, no back off they won't like you, your gonna stay something stupid. U could call that fear, I suppose.

I didn't mention I have been I 2 relationships, both times I got dumped and both lasted no longer than 9 months.

In my last relationship I opened up and told them about my family suitation and how I find it hard to fit in.

At the time we were first dating, I was in the middle of a fall out with a so called Friend, that I would have done all my Saturday nights out with. I can't help but feel they got turned off by the fact, I really didn't have any family or a best friend to hang out with. I was pretty heart broken when they broke it off with me, I thought they accepted and understood me...... But at the same time I'm not surprised they wouldn't want to stay with someone in my suitation.

First relationship was only for sex, on their side.

leonffrench

magic_murph wrote:

Why anybody in Ireland has three of these type of dog is madness.

GeminiGemmy765 wrote:

Ya exactly, and it's as if another voice is telling me, no back off they won't like you, your gonna stay something stupid. U could call that fear, I suppose.

Its easy to say but if you can find like minded people with the same interests then it will be easier to fit in. Whether it's a type of music, a particular fashion style, a sport or whatever that you feel most comfortable in and that you feel like the person you want to be then there is always other people out there in to the same thing that also feel like they don't fit in too and its just about finding those.

LegacyUser

leonffrench wrote: »

Its easy to say but if you can find like minded people with the same interests then it will be easier to fit in. Whether it's a type of music, a particular fashion style, a sport or whatever that you feel most comfortable in and that you feel like the person you want to be then there is always other people out there in to the same thing that also feel like they don't fit in too and its just about finding those.

I have joined 2 clubs. One only last week so that's all early days. The 2nd I joined last year and tbh the people in that are kinda clickly cause they know each other outside the sport as while as playing together for few years. Their women too which I have always found had to fit in the group. I enjoy the sport too much to give that up, for now anyway.

The new club iv joined everyone else see to have joined with someone. And it's annoys me cause they seem to stick together and not inclined to get to know others.

leonffrench

GeminiGemmy765 wrote:

The new club iv joined everyone else see to have joined with someone. And it's annoys me cause they seem to stick together and not inclined to get to know others.

I get it. And this may sound a little harsh but its not going to happen on its own, you have to make it happen. Strike up a conversation with them and if it goes well then great and if not well then that's ok too.

LegacyUser

Hi op I relate to your post. I had allot of family issues growing up, also grew up in a very isolated place, parents didnt like me socializing and would lock doors and restrain me to stop me leaving, right up to my twenties, when I did leave for college I got no support, no congratulations when I got my degree, nothing.
My two romantic relationships have been abusive and I have always had trouble making friends, the friends ive had over the years treated me like my parents did, I attracted the wrong people and didnt know how to stand up for myself, I didnt know what it felt like to be treated normally, the way everyone else seems to get treated by their friends and family.

My confidence and self esteem and anxiety got so bad that for about 5 years in my twenties I couldnt communicate a single sentence, I would shake, my words would get twisted and I would become tongue tied. People treated me like I was stupid but I knew I wasnt. Felt like the real me was trapped inside myself as I couldnt be myself, - if that makes sense.
It also felt like there was something intrinsically wrong with me as everyone I cared about and loved didnt love me back, I was constantly being bullied, excluded and treated with disrespect and I saw a side to people that I felt most others dont get to see, how seemingly nice people with lots of friends etc treat those who are vulnerable because they know they cant stand up for themselves. People in college would tell new people to keep away from me, that I was weird etc, I wasnt weird, I just had a debilitating anxiety disorder, no confidence and no support. I felt like the whole world was against me, like everything I did and said was wrong.

I couldnt understand why this was happening as I loved listening to people and enjoyed getting to know people, I knew I was a fairly decent person, never hurt anyone or caused anybody any harm, never wanted to hurt anybody or cause harm but felt like people treated me like I was an animal abuser or something, just felt like a total outcast. It was a horrible time in my life.

It really taught me a valuable lesson though in that people with obvious mental illness and disability or anyone who seems a bit different, how terribly theyre treated.

I dont want to make your post about me but just thought id share my experience as maybe you can take something from it.
Its a few years on and ive really been trying to turn my life around, I completed a post grad, ive worked hard on my self esteem and confidence and have gotten my anxiety to a place where its manageable. I can now talk to people without getting tongue tied. I finally have my voice back.
I havnt made any new friends but I have reconnected with some old ones, as I have much higher self esteem now we have a much healthier and stronger friendship than we did in the past.

I also reconnected with family members and through learning how to stand up for myself we now have a much healthier and more amicable relationship. They even congratulated me when I passed my exams for my postgrad.

I also started treating myself, I used to always feel guilty when I spent money on myself, now I enjoy it and it makes me feel more confident, its like im putting myself first sometimes and this has effected the way I think about myself and how I expect others to treat me.
I take good care of my physical health by exercising every week and eating healthy.
Im now starting to find out what things I enjoy by taking up new hobbies, listening to new music and putting myself out there more, im excited to see where this might lead.


Overall I think the most important thing to focus on is your mindset and self love. Keep your thoughts positive even when its hard to do and always look after yourself.
As much as it would be nice to have a strong group of friends and a partner, these things wont make you feel any better about yourself and they shouldnt, you cant take your self esteem and self worth from other people, it has to come from yourself.

Once you start to realise that you have intrinsic value just like everyone else and that youre no better or worse than anyone else and nobody else is better or worse than you, you should start to feel more comfortably around people.

Nothing about your behavior defines you as a person.

It takes time but things will work out in the end if you dont give up. Keep developing yourself and try to be more open with people. Theres nothing wrong with you.

LegacyUser

No your not being harsh at all.

I do try and have conversations and join in, but it's like I get nothing back from them. Like last night there were 3 of us doing something, they were talking about people they knew ect, and I just said I was going to move something.... And got no response.... And it happens often. I sometimes think maybe they don't want me to join again next season and are just cooling off a bit from me.

I have to admit, I expected I might have gotten more replys or posts on my issue. And that's not a complaint or anything. I just think that my issue must be that **** and complicated that even well known poster here that Give great advice, have nothing to say on mine.

Posters who have given me advice here thanks a mil

LegacyUser

Thanks Irelate for that post, I feel seen and know that someone does gets it...

antix80

GeminiGemmy765 wrote: »

I was never encouraged to do what I wanted, it was always, always about what the neighbors think. My parents were street angles house devil's. I have moved out of home.

I understand what you say about your parents only encouraging you when it was something that made them look good. The problem is, you're out of that situation now but your thinking is fixed.. that you'll have no encouragement, no support, parents won't approve, neighbours will be waiting for you to fail...

How to change your mindset? Pursue the career you want. Make contacts in the industry and meet people who are also interested in it. Don't involve your family in the decision, just do it on your own and meet new people along the way. Maybe you're physically still too close to home (meeting your family multiple times a week or regular phonecalls).. you'll have to cut down on that and follow your own path.

bottlebrush

You need to stop focusing on the past and concentrate on your present and future. A lot of people, regardless of their family experiences, can find it hard to meet people and make new friends. The older you get, the more you will likely meet people who are happy with the friends they have got and feel they don't need new ones, but you are still young with plenty of potential.

There will always be people in clubs or activities who already know one another and come across as clique-ish but there will also be people who join clubs and activities specifically to meet new people.

It may be that you need to work on your conversation skills. You say you don't have contact with family and have no friends and that you work full time. Do you work on your own or as part of a team? If you work on a team, how are your relationships with your colleagues? Do you discuss work only or do you have any other banter?

While you might think having conversations with people comes naturally to everybody else, it doesn't. There are plenty of online resources and books dedicated to learning to converse effectively together with tips for making small talk. You will get suggestions for initiating conversations such as asking open-ended questions, active listening, steering away from negativity/complaining etc. Believe me, people love talking about themselves and if they think you are easy to talk to, they will talk to you again. Don't worry if it doesn't happen for you right away - like every other skill in the world, it will take plenty of practice, trial and error. Whatever you do, don't give up.
Good luck OP

Fakediamond

Fantastic post, Irelate!

I may be shot down for this, but I think you need to open up more to people about the dysfunctional family dynamics. When I was in my late teens/twenties, i was afraid to say a word about family stuff, as I thought everyone else seemed to have normal families (I know better now) As I got older, I got more open about things and found that when you reveal something “real” about yourself, people do respond in kind. It’s almost like everyone wants to know that they’re not the only ones with a weird family, and conversation really starts when one person opens up. Obviously I’m not advising that you share your family secrets with all and sundry, but if you’re having a chat with one or two people, there might be an opportunity for you to be honest about some aspect of your family that bothers you. Personally I find it opens the floodgates, and you’ll be lucky to get a word in edgeways!

It takes a bit of bravery to put yourself out there, but you will reap the rewards, as Irelate is now doing too.

Best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

I have moved out of home and would only call out maybe once or twice a week. I actually don't discuss anything about my career and never really have because I never knew what I wanted to do.

But the past while IV become more drawn to career that's always been in the back of my mind, and something I would be quite good at. It's a job where u don't need some support from humans outside of work, be able to blow off steam by talking about things etc.... It's in the emergency sector basically. And I'm scared that if I was to go for that career, I wouldn't last long with simply no one to talk to or meet up with. I would need someone to have my back, just be there.

And that alone stops me from going for that kind of career. Some people will get what I'm saying others won't. I've been in states of feeling so lonesome it terrified me, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just don't want to ever fall back into that feeling again.

bunderoon

GeminiGemmy765 wrote: »

I have moved out of home and would only call out maybe once or twice a week. I actually don't discuss anything about my career and never really have because I never knew what I wanted to do.

But the past while IV become more drawn to career that's always been in the back of my mind, and something I would be quite good at. It's a job where u don't need some support from humans outside of work, be able to blow off steam by talking about things etc.... It's in the emergency sector basically. And I'm scared that if I was to go for that career, I wouldn't last long with simply no one to talk to or meet up with. I would need someone to have my back, just be there.

And that alone stops me from going for that kind of career. Some people will get what I'm saying others won't. I've been in states of feeling so lonesome it terrified me, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just don't want to ever fall back into that feeling again.

Play this every morning for a few months. Listen to it and try it out. Life is tough and for some, it's tougher. But see it as a challenge, not a limitation.

https://youtu.be/JiAalrujjyA

Gangu

Each day set yourself a small self improving goal. To talk to somebody new about a topic outside your comfort zone. To go to a festival. To read a book. Getting things done feels good.

antix80

GeminiGemmy765 wrote: »

I have moved out of home and would only call out maybe once or twice a week

Back to square one once or twice a week you say? Cut the apron strings, that routine is no good for you. If you want to meet someone once or twice a week, how about people who can energise you? Someone so into that career you want to do that they talk about it hours on end.

you fear pursuing a career. If you pursue the career and fail, you can try again. Or you can come to the realisation that the career isn't for you, and with that out of your mind you might see an opportunity for another career.

The only thing you should fear is never trying and ending up with nothing but regrets.

antix80

LoughNeagh2017 wrote: »

I am an autist and haven't had a friend since 2013, I don't really want any either as I am a misanthropist,

Yet here you are.

I can't imagine what autistic people go through but your experiences won't be relevant to the op.

wiggle16

Mod note:

LoughNeagh2017, as previously advised, PI is not a discussion forum. Please have advice for the OP or don't post.