Love without attraction

LegacyUser

I love my partner. I do not feel a physical attraction to my partner. My partner suspects that this and has said so. My partner has detected my lack of desire for sex.

I do not want to hurt my partner's feelings. I dismissed the suggestion. I want my partner to be happy.

I am happy to hug and kiss my partner, to holds hands, to enjoy lovely walks, nights out, dates or quiet evenings in.

I do not feel a physical attraction. It's because of a lack of fitness that is affecting my partners body. Being active and in good shape is not important for my partner.

I would nearly overlook the physical attraction. It seems important to my partner though. I do not know what to do. I do not want to hurt my partners feelings.

I would like to find away of talking about it that is caring and loving. I feel I can but I might be wrong and I do not want to hurt my partner.

Can someone give me advice?

LegacyUser

July240719 wrote: »

I do not feel a physical attraction. It's because of a lack of fitness that is affecting my partners body. Being active and in good shape is not important for my partner.

Are we right to assume OP that you did at one point have a physical attraction to them but there lack of fitness has changed this? Or have you never had a physical attraction to them?

If its the first one then you've not choice but to be honest and say you are no longer physical attracted to them. it's not fair to either of you not to be up front on this issue. It's their choice then to either to change or not. You decided then wither its a deal breaker for you both.

If it's the latter OP then it's slightly different. If you are someone who maybe borders on asexual to demisexual then you may never feel a strong physical attraction even though you may feel an emotional one. It's your comment about it being important to your partner that jumps out because no where do you say it's important to you. If that is the case then again you need to have an honest conversation with your partner. People who are asexual can have long term romantic relationships but both partners need to be compatible for it to work. If your partner thinks you can change or blames themselves for your lack of attraction to them its not healthy for either of you.

Doesnt sound like the OP is asexual as they are specific about why they aren't attracted.

IMO sooner or later this will become a problem when either you or your partner meets someone with sexual chemistry. What you describe is a friendship, not love.

I don't think there can be real love without some form of sexual attraction.

baby and crumble

July240719 wrote: »

I love my partner. I do not feel a physical attraction to my partner. My partner suspects that this and has said so. My partner has detected my lack of desire for sex.

I do not want to hurt my partner's feelings. I dismissed the suggestion. I want my partner to be happy.

You should have been honest from the start, if your partners has picked up on these issues then I will nearly guarantee you that they feel like crap about it. By telling them that they are wrong, you are making them doubt their intuition and gut feelings even though they are right. That's a pretty crappy thing to do.

You say you want your partner to be happy. happy with the truth or with lies? Because you're lying to them, OP. That's not a good foundation for a successful relationship.

July240719 wrote: »

I am happy to hug and kiss my partner, to holds hands, to enjoy lovely walks, nights out, dates or quiet evenings in.

That's quite romantic, but unless you are both on the same page, it won't work in the long term.

July240719 wrote: »

I do not feel a physical attraction. It's because of a lack of fitness that is affecting my partners body. Being active and in good shape is not important for my partner.

Then you need to be honest. Are you attracted to other people? The fact that you aren't attracted to your partner but are happy to remain in a sexless relationship with them suggests sex isn't an important part of your life. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not fair to keep a person for whom it IS important in such a relationship without them knowing the facts.

Their size/fitness may be a turn-off for you, but it might be a turn-on for someone else. They deserve to be wanted and desired.

July240719 wrote: »

I would nearly overlook the physical attraction. It seems important to my partner though. I do not know what to do. I do not want to hurt my partners feelings.

This honestly sounds like you may be asexual, or at least demisexual whereby sex in a relationship isn't that big of a deal. Again, nothing wrong with that but unless your partners is aware of this, then it's not fair to them. You are essentially forcing them into a sex life they do not want. It's a sexless sex life but my point stands. it's not fair on them.

July240719 wrote: »

I would like to find away of talking about it that is caring and loving. I feel I can but I might be wrong and I do not want to hurt my partner.

You will probably hurt your partner by telling them you're not physically attracted to them, especially if you once were. Nobody wants to hear that.

But the longer your leave it, and the more you lie about it to them, the more hurtful it will be when it all eventually comes out.

You need to be aware that this may be something that will cause the breakup of your relationship, but a relationship is only successful in whatever form it's in if BOTH people in it are aware of all the facts.

LegacyUser

Were you ever physically attracted to this person or indeed other people past or present? Has something changed about them physically over time/have they let themselves go? There's a difference in never having an interest in own appearance and losing interest.

wiggle16

Mod note:

OP you posted about this back in March and you got all the advice you could ever use from the posters at the time, but the thread was locked because you wouldn't accept what you were being told.

Four months down the line and you are back asking the same thing. OP, you're still in the same situation - the answers are not going to change.

As per the above, I'm afraid I have to lock this thread.