Marriage breaking down and I’m completely devastated

max307

Silent reader here and this is my first time posting so apologies in advance if my post is all over the place. I will try to organise my ideas as best as I can.

Long story short I have been married for 6 years and about 2 years ago we decided to leave Ireland and move abroad. The move wasn’t an easy decision for me because even though I wasn’t born in Ireland I consider it my home so leaving great friends, a good job and the country I love was very hard.

My husband for the best part of the last 6 years has been a great partner and friend, we supported and relied on each other for everything. We traveled a lot and spent time with our families all the time to the point that I feel part of his family and vice versa. I always thought that he was the one and my dream was to have a family with him. I come from a very small family so I value family and committed relationships, I assumed that he felt the same way because he said it a lot over the course of the last 6 years.

All this came crashing down a few months ago. Literally I went home to visit my family and came back to find him in an open relationship with someone else - just like that, out of the blue - and it hasn’t turned into something else because the other guy doesn’t want anything serious. They are both seeing other people as well. He didn’t have the courage to tell me, I had to get in his iPad (wrong I know!) to get to the bottom of this and even then he lied to my face several times. The first few months I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I lost a lot of weight, I couldn’t do a thing at work and was constantly on the verge of bursting into tears. Still now I’m having trouble sleeping and even if I manage to sleep a few hours keep having the worst nightmares. Overnight this person turned into a complete arrogant stranger and I found myself in a foreign country with no friends or family and married to someone I don’t know anymore.

The worst part is that we had to live together and sleep in the same bed for another 2 months while I was trying to move out and decide if I was leaving everything behind again to go back to Ireland or staying here. He kept rubbing in my face how happy he was on this “new relationship” and they went on trips and dates all the time. Since then the lies keep piling up and every week there is something new that comes out. Unfortunately like with many other marriage our lives are so interconnected that we need to stay in touch plus we have no one else here and there are immigration issues that we need to discuss as well.

A few weeks after I moved out he called me crying saying how ashamed he was of the way he acted and how sorry he was for everything which took me by surprise because up to that point I was entirely sure this guy hated me and couldn’t stand me based on his behavior. He basically wants us to take a break and test the alternative to be ever sure that this marriage is what we want and the worst part of all is that I’m so blindly in love with him that in a way I believe that’s the best way forward. I’m extremely confused at the moment, I have no energy or time to keep playing these games. My own mother feels like this is a sort of mid-life crisis (he just turned 40) because there is no way he could do any of this. I don’t know what to do. I’m 30 years old and I feel like it will be really hard to find someone else with similar interests and willing to settle down and have a family, most guys my age just want to party and have fun.

I feel like I wasted the best years of my life with someone I don’t know, the past few months have been a blur. I’m completely broken and don’t see myself getting out of this hole anytime soon.

Thanks for reading.

Lollipops23

If I were you I'd leave him. He sounds totally selfish; not only cheating on you, but rubbing it in your face. You deserve someone who respects and loves you.

Leave his sorry a*se.

shesty

He sounds like a fairly class act alright....

The obvious thing here is to leave him but I get that must be terribly hard to accept.It will take a long tine to work through that.

Really though, if it was a midlife crisis on his part, would you want to stay with him after how he has behaved??

max307

Thanks for your responses @Lollipops23 and @shesty.

Deep down I feel that the right thing to do is to leave him and move on but I'm find it really hard. I'm extremely confused at the moment.

SusieBlue

You are so so young, life is way too short to tolerate that level of blatant disrespect and selfishness from a partner.
He has completely broken your trust and he isn't even sorry. He has had no regard for your feelings and has put his own self interest before his commitment to you.
Now its time for you to put yourself first.

Get your affairs in order, return to Ireland, and start again. Someone else will treasure and cherish your patient and loyal nature, and will make you feel more secure and loved than your lame excuse of a husband ever will.

You deserve better than to spend the rest of your days wondering if you are enough for that man. You are enough, more than enough, he just didn't appreciate that.
If there are no children involved it should be straightforward enough to cut this man out of your life eventually.

Please know that there is a happy and fulfilling future for you without him. I know that the fear of the unknown and beginning again is what's making you consider staying, but its not worth it.
You deserve better than that.
Staying in this relationship will chip away at your confidence and self worth until there is nothing left. He can't undo what he has done, and he doesn't deserve forgiveness.
Time will heal. He doesn't deserve you. Leave him and come home.

LegacyUser

He wasn't "in an open relationship", he was cheating on you, being unfaithful. The other person's relationship status is irrelevant, your husband's behaviour is the only thing that matters and that was totally contemptuous of you and your relationship. He called you crying looking for a second chance because he though he'd treat you any way he liked and you'd let him, when you proved him wrong he chanced his arm begging. I honestly don't know why you even have a question about this relationship now, he has shown you what he thinks of you and unless you have a similarly low opinion of yourself, leave. When someone tells you who they are, make sure you're listening.

B0jangles

I'm so sorry OP, that is an appalling situation to be in and I can't imagine how hurt and sad you're feeling right now.

It sounds to me that the relationship is beyond unsaveable though - anyone who could treat someone they are supposed to love is such an intentionally cruel way is not someone you should think about staying with. Anyone can make a mistake, yes but it takes something else, something much nastier and much colder, to behave in the way you've described your husband behaving.

In your heart of hearts do you really believe he is sorry or do you just want to convince yourself that he is sorry? Do you think you can trust him again after seeing this side of him?

Lots of people have midlife crises - they buy a silly car or get a tattoo, they don't drop a metaphorical atom bomb into the middle of their marriage and walk around laughing in the rubble.

Like Susie said, you are still so young - there is time to recover, and to find someone who really deserves your trust, someone who will actually be the partner you thought your husband was.

bucketybuck

max307 wrote: »

Deep down I feel that the right thing to do is to leave him and move on but I'm find it really hard.

It might be hard but it isn't complicated and there isn't anything to be confused about, he has treated you like dirt and you need to get the hell away from him.

He treated you like dirt and by the sounds of it is going to play all the old games to get you to hang around for another few years as well. Don't let him do it, you are only young and nobody needs that toxic crap in their life.

Stop moaning ffs

Look after yourself OP.
Hope you’ll be ok

Limpy

He don't care one bit about you. Now do you care more about yourself then he ever will you? If so get a grip of the situation.

Get a clean break and organise your life so that you can start fresh. When you love someone you don't treat them like he is you. Judge him by his action not his words. Imagine your son or daughter came to you with the same story. What would you tell them?

max307

Thank for your responses @SusieBlue, @B0jangles, @bucketybuck, @Stop moaning ffs and @Limpy. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

I guess I'm having a hard time moving on because I kept it all in for weeks before talking to a close friend and then my family a few weeks after that. I had no one else here to rely on and these type of conversations over the phone or FaceTime are not the same as in person.

All of this came as a surprise and I was shocked and confused. I would take a bullet for this guy!

PHG

max307 wrote: »

Thank for your responses @SusieBlue, @B0jangles, @bucketybuck, @Stop moaning ffs and @Limpy. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

I guess I'm having a hard time moving on because I kept it all in for weeks before talking to a close friend and then my family a few weeks after that. I had no one else here to rely on and these type of conversations over the phone or FaceTime are not the same as in person.

All of this came as a surprise and I was shocked and confused. I would take a bullet for this guy!

Hi Max,

With all due respect you might take a bullet for him but I doubt he would for you. I know it is tough to see it for what it is, but this guy is a grade A d**k and something else in the future will highly likely happen if you stayed.

Honestly, you are best out of it and finding someone that's loves and cares for you as you would them. It is going to be a tough few months ahead BUT it is manageable. Imagine yourself in 5 years time looking back once you get out. You will be better for it!!

Best of luck

PHG

LegacyUser

OP, you can either restart now at 30, or wait for the inevitable end which could come in a year, or two, or five. And that end is inevitable, although I feel it will come from him rather than you if you don't value yourself, respect yourself, and walk away from this horrid man now.

He has treated you with such contempt. There is no coming back from behaviour like that - I certainly couldn't forgive it.

Please know you can do better than this, and that you deserve better than this. An eternity alone would be better than being with someone like him.

okiss

I feel sorry for you after all you have gone through.

I watched a friend of mine going through something similar with a man a few years ago. My friend figured he needs a bit of time to decide what he wants and gave him chance after chance. This man was around your husbands age. For him it was like well this is my final chance to have a bit of no strings fun.
Her friends told her tell him to get lost. My friend decided to give him a final chance and once again he let her down. He then blocked her on fb.

Now a few years later my friend is in a good place. Meanwhile he went on to meet another woman and within 6 months she was pregnant. The relationship broke up before the child was 2. My friend has heard a few other things about him over the years and realised she had a lucky escape from him.

I know that your 30. You moved abroad to be with him and left behind a job you were happy in along with friends here in Ireland.
He thinks your going to put up with going off with what ever woman he can meet and you will stay their waiting for him. That a horrible way to treat anyone and even worse when you have been married to him for a few years.
Believe me you deserve so much better than him. I would get things in order, tell him it over and that you want a divorce. I would contact your friends here in Ireland and let them know what happened and see if they can let you stay with them when you look for a job back here.
I hope in the future you look back at this time and say well unless I broke up with X I would never ended up having the life I always wanted.

max307

Thank for your responses @PHG, @horriblehusband2019 and @okiss.

I moved out and I’m currently living by myself. We agreed to only communicate if there is an emergency or other legal or financial issue. Unfortunately to move back to Ireland is not a choice for me right now, we moved across the world and our savings are pretty much gone. I can’t afford to go back without a job lined up first and the housing situation in Dublin is just getting worse. I have a job here that I like and if I stay for a few more years will be able to save enough to move back eventually.

I’m currently seeing a therapist which has been great to help me get my head straight and confront the facts. I joined a gym, a local sports league and went to a few meet ups but at the moment all this feel very artificial and fake, like I'm just trying to fill up time.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate seeing others perspectives. I’m reading all your posts over and over to try to get it into my head that there is no way back, only forward from now on.

Canard

I quite rarely post here, but I felt compelled to contribute because it's not often that my face drops while reading posts. What an absolutely appalling thing to have to have gone through, I can't even imagine it. I'm glad to read that you're set on moving forward and just wanted to post to reiterate that it is definitely the right decision. I would imagine your moments of doubt are simply stemming from disbelief as you try to reconcile your husband's actions with who you thought he was.

A slip up is one thing, an affair is another, but to live with you for two months, knowing that you were actively trying to decide whether to stay or leave, and continue to rub your face in it? I've never heard of anything so callous from someone who's meant to be the one person you can always rely on. I imagine for you (and for most people), even if you wanted to get past this, you simply never could. In a way, he's almost done you a service, because Christ, if you ever regret your decision to leave him you'd only need to think back on that period and feel justified.

Lastly, I would say not to believe his crocodile tears. I imagine the new relationship lost its novelty or something went wrong; in any case, as harsh as it might sound, with actions so decidedly and ruthlessly cruel I highly doubt he had a sudden change of heart. It's inexplicable and inexcusable, and given how out of the blue it seems to have been, you'd never know if he'd do it again, given the chance.

I know what you mean about feeling like you're filling time, but ime it's because you'd rather be living your 'previous' life. Kind of like when you move to a new country and you take up a lot of hobbies - you don't like them (yet), you might quit them, but eventually you settle into things you enjoy and stick with, and the same will apply here. I don't know where you're living, but you're living it up abroad and you're still so young! Onwards and upwards and best of luck. Hugs.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

max307 wrote: »

Thank for your responses @PHG, @horriblehusband2019 and @okiss.

I moved out and I’m currently living by myself. We agreed to only communicate if there is an emergency or other legal or financial issue. Unfortunately to move back to Ireland is not a choice for me right now, we moved across the world and our savings are pretty much gone. I can’t afford to go back without a job lined up first and the housing situation in Dublin is just getting worse. I have a job here that I like and if I stay for a few more years will be able to save enough to move back eventually.

I’m currently seeing a therapist which has been great to help me get my head straight and confront the facts. I joined a gym, a local sports league and went to a few meet ups but at the moment all this feel very artificial and fake, like I'm just trying to fill up time.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate seeing others perspectives. I’m reading all your posts over and over to try to get it into my head that there is no way back, only forward from now on.

Fair play to you, that's such a completely shocking thing to happen, taking decisive action must have been very difficult. While I'm sure you're feeling awful at the moment it shows deep reserves of emotional fortitude and self esteem that many people would not have in your situation.

I get what you mean about feeling like you're faking it or going through the motions but you are doing all the right things, keep plugging away.

Could a family member or friend come to visit you?

Also hopefully you're sleeping better now that you're moved?

This is an awful thing to happen to anyone but you do have so much ahead of you, you've just closed a chapter.

max307

Canard wrote: »

I would imagine your moments of doubt are simply stemming from disbelief as you try to reconcile your husband's actions with who you thought he was.

Exactly! The hardest part has been to piece the two together, he can’t look at me in the eyes since all this unfolded and I just don’t know this new person. It’s very strange sensation and something I have not experienced before.

Thank you so much for posting @Canard! Your words help me and encourage me a lot in this difficult time.

max307

Talon Uninterested Sibling wrote: »

Could a family member or friend come to visit you?

Also hopefully you're sleeping better now that you're moved?

Yes, a friend came to visit a few weeks into this drama and she was great. At least someone I could talk to in person rather than over the phone. I'm planning to go home soon and visit my family as well, this caught out of the blue and with no days off at work I wasn’t able to travel. At the same time I’m trying to save money in case he goes off the rails and I need to take on the payment of a car we own or any other financial issues, since we are legally married his debts are my debts too.

I’m trying to get really tired at the gym and running a lot to be able to sleep at night, so far I have been able to sleep better but some nights I wake up in the middle of the night on cold sweats.

PHG

It really sounds like you have been trying very hard and are responsible e.g. gym, therapy, getting cash together. Well done on all of it and be really proud of yourself. It is not easy and it may not feel like it, BUT you are doing amazing!!! So keep at it. From experience, the meetups can feel fake and some are a bit tiresome but they do work and you will make some great friends out of it!! I found therapy key too and it is always good to vent in a controlled manner.

What I would say is, don't tell him about you saving so as to air on the side of caution!!

The cold sweats will pass, took me 2/3 months before I slept normally again but the body is amazing and will adjust in time.

Looking into the future and the unknown is always unnerving/scary but you will find someone better. In the past month I have heard of 4 couples in our age bracket splitting up, so you are not alone and will get through this!!

PHG

max307

Thanks @PHG for taking time to reply once again! I guess I just need to take it one day at a time.

The best days are now more common than the bad ones but I’m still getting the waves of my new reality hitting me in my face from time to time and those take my back to square one. I have been in this position once before and know that time heals everything and eventually I will move on.

fatherted1969

Relationships shouldn't be that hard OP. Leave now, cut your losses and this time next year you'll be wondering why you were ever considering sticking it out. The alternative will be you'll be in here in 12 months time with similar problems. He wants best of both worlds, you deserve better than that

rainbowtrout

max307 wrote: »

I joined a gym, a local sports league and went to a few meet ups but at the moment all this feel very artificial and fake, like I'm just trying to fill up time.

It might feel fake, but even if it is only filling time, it serves a positive purpose. You have made great strides in moving on even if it doesn't feel like it now. Moving out and engaging with new activities gives you independence and a break from your husband. That you have taken control of your own situation rather than leaving him taunt you and decide what will happen with the relationship, might come as a shock to him. He might in time come to regret how he has treated you, but I don't think you will regret moving on in time.

If you are happy to stay abroad and build up savings then that's great, however if you have contacts at home in your old line of work that can keep an ear to the ground about jobs, you might be able to come home sooner than you think.

max307

Thank you for your responses @fatherted1969 and @rainbowtrout. I’m taking all your comments on board and trying to get out of this hole as soon as possible.

I haven’t been sleeping great lately and that’s affecting my work and my day to day routine but I guess that’s all part of the process.

banoffe2

I admire our courage and strength Max 307
Trying to cope with living away from our loved ones, and the shock, betrayal and deceit on top of it, is a lot to stomach, not to mention the feelings of loss of a dream , the anger and disbelief
Its a lot to cope with but you can and will get through this, not an easy road, but yes this will pass and you will come out of a stronger person
Its hard to see any shred of hope when your World has turned upside down and especially when you are so distanced from family and home network.
It can be all consuming, believe in yourself and take one hour or one day at a time, you don't know what tomorrow will bring
I wish you healing, peace and strength, sending you tonnes of hugs, XX

max307

Thank you for your kind words @banoffe2!

I would never wish anyone had to go through this in normal circumstances, let alone in a foreign country with no family or friends around. I have never felt this lonely before.

At the moment the hope of something better in the horizon is keeping me moving forward. I’m driven by goals but right now all our plans and dreams are gone and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do next. I’m on auto pilot just taking one day at a time, that’s my new reality.

max307

Hi,

I would like to thank you all for your words of encouragement and advise, this thread helped me a lot and every time I’m feeling down come back to read it and snap out of it.

I wanted to provide a quick update and also looking for advise. Apologies for the long post but I wanted to give you a bit of background.

I’m filling for divorce this week. I have been going to counselling on a weekly basis for a few months now and she has helped me to deal with my issues and see things from a different perspective. They say hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back at my soon-to-be-ex-husband actions, there was a lot of emotional manipulation and lies throughout the last 6 years. Even now the story keeps changing every time and I don’t know what’s true anymore.

I didn’t want to move to the US and was emotionally manipulated to make the move, after a few non successful threats of ending the relationship if I didn’t move here he resorted to use his father memory to get me to move. His father passed away many years ago and he swore on his father grave that it will be a temporary move and then we will go back to Ireland. The minute I landed here that changed and he said that didn’t mean any of that, his intention all along was to move here permanently. I’m still baffled that someone would use something so sacred like his late father memory in vain. While here, I was used to get a Green Card on empty promises that it will mean a better future for us if he was able to leave his company and be free to apply for any jobs. I honestly believe that this was his intention all along, get me to move to the US in order to apply for a Green Card for him.

Our immigration lawyer encouraged me to withdraw the Green Card application but I didn’t. I felt it was morally wrong because it will open up further scrutiny with immigration and despite all his manipulation and lies I didn’t and I don’t want to get him in trouble. He ended up getting the Green Card.

Most of the divorce lawyers I met here also want blood. I didn’t give in to that and decided to stay above all - I’m not asking/taking anything from him in the divorce - I just want my freedom! I’m even paying for the divorce myself, my soon-to-be-ex-husband is paying nothing and I wanted it that way.

I have a very strong sense of injustice about the whole thing and I guess my question is how do you deal with that? I don’t want to take revenge because that’s not me - I’m not that person. I don’t want to do something I will regret in the future but how do you guys work through that sense of injustice? How I get over all that?

Stateofyou

The best revenge is a life well lived. Then justice is truly served.

ManOfMystery

You're a better man than me, I'd have made sure the green card thing blew up in his face and also took plenty in the divorce - that would be justice served IMO.

Dial Hard

max307 wrote: »

I have a very strong sense of injustice about the whole thing and I guess my question is how do you deal with that? I don’t want to take revenge because that’s not me - I’m not that person. I don’t want to do something I will regret in the future but how do you guys work through that sense of injustice? How I get over all that?

I'll tell you what worked for me - I made a conscious decision not to come out of my marriage a worse person than I was going in. I refused to let it make me bitter. Believe me, that was easier said than done at times but bitterness *is* a choice and I chose not to be.

You are entitled to feel aggrieved at what has happened, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. You're entitled to be angry and upset and disappointed and to grieve the life you thought you had signed up to. But now you get to ask yourself "Am I going to let this define who I am for the rest of my life?".

By all means daydream about all the public and highly embarrassing ways you'd like to see him get his comeuppance. Then put them aside and come back to reality. Believe me, when all this is said and done, knowing that you maintained your dignity throughout will be a HUGE comfort to you. And it sounds like you're playing a blinder in that regard already in how you're dealing with the divorce process.

Chin up, OP and go easy on yourself. You'll get through this.