friendship

LegacyUser

hey,

just want to get this out of my head and get an opinions

i have been friends with a guy for nearly 20 years. we always kept in touch because we just got on. we are in contact nearly everyday, we’ve known each other since we were young so this isn’t strange for us and we’ve been there for eachother over the years.

we were never in a relationship or never even discussed it. we were never really single at the same time. i am single now, he is not. we don’t get to hang out very often cause he living in germany.

i never really saw him in a boyfriend way, ii guess cause i was with someone it wasn’t an option for me and i didn’t think he was my type. over the years partners used to get annoyed/jealous by how close we were but we were honest to god just friends and made it very clear

when we were younger he used to joke about us ending up together which we thought was hilarious at the time.

the times we have seen eachother recently have been strange - there is a shift in the way we are with eachother. and i’m beginning to think there is something more to it.

i have no intention of discussing this with him as he is in a relationship. it wouldn’t be fair or the right thing to do. but i guess i’m trying to figure out if i have feelings for him

i just wanted to it out of my head and see if there is anyone out there that has a friend like this or even to just get anther opinion.

redfox123

It does not matter if you woke up tomorrow and realised you are in love with him, it is highly disrespectful to the guy and his girlfriend to be thinking this way. Stop 'figuring out your feelings' because he is not single, full stop. It does not matter if you get vibes he has feelings for you because he needs to end his relationship first before any of that is even thought about.

You're getting all these rosy romantic notions of ending up together because you're single now and there isn't anyone else on the horizon. Until you are both single at the same time then nothing can happen and if you are never in that position then it simply was not meant to be. If he did not want to be in his relationship he would get out of it. If you feel he may be unhappy and you are developing feelings then distance yourself somewhat because it would be highly unfair and cruel to get in the way and confuse things by communicating your recent more romantic feelings and acting on them in any way.

JustAThought

OP didnt say if they or he were in a relationship at the moment - just rhat past partners had been upset in the past. If he is free and they are too perhaps there might be an argument for trying? But - I agree if one is living in Germany and one in Ireland why ruin a beautiful thing.

gwalk

JustAThought wrote: »

OP didnt say if they or he were in a relationship at the moment - just rhat past partners had been upset in the past. If he is free and they are too perhaps there might be an argument for trying? But - I agree if one is living in Germany and one in Ireland why ruin a beautiful thing.

"I am single now he is not"

"I have no intention of discussing this with him as he is in a relationship"

OP did say exactly what you've said they hadn't

leggo

This kind of annoyed me a little bit tbh...

You claimed to have never thought about it, but also said you thought he wasn’t your type: so you have actually thought about it and concluded “no.”

He made jokes about you ending up together: so you knew he was interested but there’s plausible deniability there that lets you say “ohhh it was just a joke...”

It got to the point where it bothered other partners yet you mention nothing about adjusting your behaviours to respect the relationships you were in: I’ve known people in friendships like this and they seem to get a little kick out of bothering their partners with their closeness. I remember I worked with a girl who used to have sleepovers (no sex or physicality) with a guy she’d been friends with since childhood but would keep it secret from her boyfriend, so she knew it was wrong but did it anyway.

Now he’s in a relationship and you’re single so you’re taking it to PI despite this NOT being an option and despite the fact that any attempt to ‘figure it out’ and force the issue now would be the actions of a horrible friend and not someone who actually cares about their friend’s best interests, but who wants to ensure their attention is on them when they want.

OP here is my honest advice on your situation, and I’m genuinely not having a go: I suggest you get to the bottom of why you need this guy’s attention to bolster your ego and address that issue internally, use counselling if it helps. It’s not ‘true love’, if it was then he’s expressed interest and you had none when he was available, so you’d just be together. It’s unnecessarily dramatic, it messes with other people (this guy included though I’m sure he plays his own part in it) and relationships, and it creates a maelstrom around you that you probably enjoy on some level but that also likely leaves you unfulfilled at the same time because you’re not experiencing true happiness. For example, I know a girl who loved getting herself caught up in these whirlwind dramas with friends etc...turns out when she went to counselling she was just from a big family and either being sick or being involved in drama was how she learned to get attention from her parents, so she unknowingly carried that trait into adulthood. But back away from the telenovela stuff and leave this lad’s relationship alone, the issue is within you and figuring out what is causing that and addressing it will leave you much happier in the long run.

otnomart

anonymous 123578434777 wrote: »

the times we have seen eachother recently have been strange - there is a shift in the way we are with eachother. and i’m beginning to think there is something more to it.

Strange in what way ?
Is it the way he behaves or you behave ?
Or something you or he said ?




I think you should take full advantage of the geographical distance between the two of you, and focus on meeting new people.