"Minor" work issues driving me mad with anger

LegacyUser

So ill start by saying im male, 35, have been in the same job for 13 years and am currently seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety. I have poor self esteem and struggle to socialise with people. I am very good at my job but the last few months, things there have really irritated me to the point of having to leave the room because of the sound of someone else's voice or me rehashing a conversation with my boss when I was angry I wasn't assertive enough.

Ive never got on with my boss (we are both male and similar age) from Day 1. Im quiet hes a big mouth, I am spiritual and like to read/explore the countryside. Hes a hard drinking soccer fan, its caused some very bad blood between us over the years, I think the only saving grace is he knows im good at the job so he just leaves me to it, we basically ignore each other and don't speak unless we absolutely have to. This in itself is ok but when I see him having the craic with other (less gifted) members of the team or if someone is sharing details of a night out I cant join in and that annoys me. I know that's my own fault not theirs but some days I wont get a reply to an email or something and I just feel this deep rage in my and it says "If that was fcuking so and so you would have replied straight away, why the fcuk cant you be professional?"

I know I shouldn't be letting small things like that annoy me but I do genuinely think my boss is trying to just make me invisible and chip away at my self esteem through barely acknowledging me and ignoring (some not all) emails. Is this likely or do you think im overthinking it?

zapper55

I think you are way way way overthinking it. I doubt the manager gives you.much thought, never mind is trying to make you feel bad.

If you cant find a way to not let no

CoBo55

Yes you are.... (Overthinking it). Buy a punch bag to dissipate that ridiculous anger.

antix80

Your boss sounds great. He spends time creating a team atmosphere. And he leaves the (ahem) spiritual guy to be good at his job.

If you're invisible it's because you act invisible, stewing in your corner. Your boss isn't doing it to you.

Try to stop being so miserable, serious and resentful at work. Take time to interact and joke with the rest of the non-gifted staff.

Or just accept your decision to play a role as the outsider- which may become more soul destroying as you get older.

jopax

This in itself is ok but when I see him having the craic with other (less gifted) members of the team or if someone is sharing

You sound a bit judgemental not spiritual, maybe you could look more at improving yourself.
Why does it matter what the other people bring to the table, the two of Yee don't get on.
I can understand your frustration to a certain degree but you have to take responsibility for how you are feeling.
Are you very uptight, as in taking your self too seriously?

B0jangles

Would you consider changing jobs? You've been in this one for most of your working life and it sounds like you've built up a lot of skill and experience, so you should be able to find a new role easily enough (unless it's a very niche industry of course).

It also sounds like your basic dislike of your boss has progressed to the stage where everything he does annoys you. Any time someone's gotten on my nerves to that extent, the only way I've found to permanently relieve the stress and irritation is to get away from them. It wouldn't an admission of fault on your part, or weakness, or anything like that - some personalities just clash and that's pretty much it.
He doesn't seem that bothered and it's driving you up the walls, so unfortunately for you, all the change is going to have to be on your side.

never_mind

Op, it sounds like the problem is more you than your boss. You’ve isolated yourself and put yourself in that position. I wonder if changing jobs would solve that seeing as you might just act the same in a new role?

never_mind

Op, it sounds like the problem is more you than your boss. You’ve isolated yourself and put yourself in that position. I wonder if changing jobs would solve that seeing as you might just act the same in a new role?

Ursus Horribilis

This is one of those threads where I'd love to hear your boss's take on this. Or one of your colleagues. You sound like you've got multiple chips on your shoulders and I'm not quite sure over what. Fair enough, you and your boss are very different people. But you also come across as judgmental and bitter. If he's a hard-drinking football fan, what difference should that make to your life? If you ever move on from this job you will find yourself working alongside more people whose lifestyle choices and hobbies won't meet your standards.

..when I see him having the craic with other (less gifted) members of the team or if someone is sharing details of a night out I can't join in and that annoys me

I wonder what do these "less gifted" team members think of you? That you're this bitter, aloof person who's sitting at their desk. This may come as a shock to you but in many workplaces, "less gifted" people who have better social skills and a way to get along with others are valued. Your colleagues probably aren't too mad about you either. And they'll have noticed the poisonous atmosphere between you and your boss.

I think you could do with changing jobs at this stage. I can't see you and your boss ever repairing that broken relationship you have. And you sound like you're sitting there seething. That's not good for you. A new workplace where you make an effort to talk to people would do you a world of good. You've stagnated where you are and you probably have burned your bridges in all sorts of ways.

Wesser

Im gonna disagree with most of the above posters and say that of you are not happy for such a long time maybe you are burnt out jn tbis job and you should find a new job.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

It's unlikely that your boss is specifically not emailing you back to spite you. You say that despite the bad blood and personality clash, he generally stays out of your way and knows you're good at your job, it seems to me if he's able to and willing to do that he's unlikely to then start at things like pettily ignoring e-mails. And if he is, it's some passive aggressive mind game designed to irritate you, and you're letting it.

Is there anything that's changed in your work and personal life that coincided with this escalation in anger?

In most jobs, the ability to get along with people is part of being good at the job. Ok so some likeable person who's really bad at it isn't going to be preferable to a prickly person who's good at it. But if you have two people, same qualifications etc. Person A is brilliant at the job but very very difficult to work with, Person B is pretty good at the job but very easy to work with, Person A isn't necessarily going to be the best person to hire.

Would you consider changing jobs? Is there any way you could work remotely or in some capacity where it's less team focused?

You say yourself you know it's not your co-workers fault that you can't join in swapping drink and football stories, it's good to have that insight but you need to push forward and figure out why it's then prompting this angry reaction. Do you talk about this in therapy?

isohon

OP, you are in a clearly painful situation and no one deserves to be so agitated and upset in their workplace. I think there you are displaying healthy self-awareness in that you acknowledge that you have played a role in the emergence of this present predicament, you also seem to be cognizant that you are not in a good space mentally and that this may be colouring your interpretations of otherwise benign if disappointing interactions.

I think you need to recognise that something is making you unhappy, and from what I can read in your post it is a sense that you are not fully part of the team, that you are missing out on the social benefits. Is there a way you can try and unpick the situation? At the very least you must try and avoid the temptation to give in to bitterness and resentment, it will make you a worse person than you are.

ginandtonicsky

Ever heard the saying “manage your manager”? You’re not doing a good job of it. Interpersonal skills and strong relationships are usually the biggest indicator of who’s going to get ahead in the workplace and it sounds like you’ve neglected this very important relationship for many years.

Not saying you have to turn into your boss’s drinking buddy, but you do have to bring more to the table than judgement, resentment and a bad attitude. Take yourself less seriously and stop creating this silo between you and your other colleagues by thinking of them as “less gifted” - 100% they will be picking up on this.

Whens the last time you went for a coffee with your boss? Or lended a hand to him in a meaningful way? Or did something that made him look awesome? Or cracked a joke with him? Or engaged him in conversation about his weekend or the tennis?

People tend to naturally gravitate towards and rely upon people they like and have a relationship with more than the people who are socially disconnected or distant from them. That’s how humans work. It’s why people who get promoted are not always the hardest workers or the top performers. Relationships and reputation are a million times more important than that.

kob29

Look at what you said there " I have poor self esteem and struggle to socialise with people" and "when I see him having the craic with other (less gifted) members of the team or if someone is sharing details of a night out I cant join in and that annoys me".
It looks to me like the core annoyance is that you see a strength in him that you identify as a weakness in yourself. He leaves you be....do you think that may because he can read that you're wound up or struggling with mental health issues and doesn't want to risk putting any pressure on?
He's not to blame for your self-esteem....its "self"-esteem because it's yours. Your energies would be better used developing this in yourself.
"If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely you will have complete peace.

SmallgirlBigcity

I think people are being quite critical of you. I'd recommend that you change jobs, or at least change department within your company if possible. I was in a job for too long and recently changed departments within the company and it was the best decision I've made in a long time.

I was getting way too stressed out in the last place. Little noises, the way people talked, the way the place was managed - it all bothered me way more than it should have. Sometimes all we need is a change and it sounds like you need one.

NIMAN

It might sound harsh to say it, but I'd say the issues are all created by yourself tbh.

You are the problem, not your boss or co-workers.

LegacyUser

OP this sounds awful. Whoever’s fault it is doesn’t matter now, your feelings towards your boss are unlikely to change. If it was me I’d probably look to change jobs depending on whether that is feasible or not?

You also probably need to work on yourself and your self esteem. The world of work is a cruel place and it favours extroverts and people with good social skills even if they are less effective at their jobs. Getting along with coworkers is hugely important. I know building up your self esteem is easier said than done.

I had a pretty rough start to work life too. I am an introvert and had to overcome pretty severe social anxiety that really held me back early in my career. I took up weightlifting and cycling eventually which I found gave me some confidence as I had been a little overweight. I then found myself unexpectedly in a job that involved a bit of public speaking due to a manager who really believed in me offering me the opportunity. This was utterly terrifying at first to the point where I often considered calling in sick but I have actually grown to like it now. Before that I was a bit like yourself, excellent at the nuts and bolts of my job but struggled to network and integrate with colleagues. That has all changed now and I have continued to progress and enjoy all that come with that, i.e. money etc. I’m never going to be considered the life and soul of the office but I can do the small talk etc and can enjoy a night out with colleagues and I am generally liked and trusted in the office I think.

I know my issues were probably a little different to yours but my point is that you can improve your situation. If you move to a new job and continue to isolate yourself you will find yourself in the same boat in all likelihood. Good luck.

CiDeRmAn

zapper55 wrote: »

I think you are way way way overthinking it. I doubt the manager gives you.much thought, never mind is trying to make you feel bad.

This right here.

I was in a situation with a colleague years ago, he was loud and popular, me not so much.
He pulled a few stunts and I got pretty pissed off offer it.
I let it torment me for years.
Then a friend reminded me that while I was letting my thoughts of him sour every unavoidable contact with him, he wasn't giving me a single thought at all.

Taking that on board was a revelation, and I was able to find some small common ground with him and use that to normalise the work relationship and, in the end, the were times I was glad to have him on my side.

Nothing is forgotten, but there's no sense in letting past trauma continue to traumatise.
Let it go and you'll feel that anxiety drain away.
You don't have to be mates with him but a civil workplace tone will make your life there far better.

banoffe2

Hi Op
It is not nice to feel excluded in any setting. Well done on your job success that is something you can be happy about, that you enjoy your work.

We are all different and while some people are into hard drinking and enjoy the banter and chat on common interests that is ok for those who enjoy it.

Not wanting to be part of this group need not be a disadvantage if you can accept it and get on with the job

Your boss and the rest of the gang have probably accepted that you like to keep to yourself, If you can accept this , it would be a great coping mechanism

I changed jobs two years ago and I don't know myself, I love going to work every day as I am with a larger group in an open plan office setting, I enjoy the social aspect of work and day to day banter, though I am not a hard drinker!!!

My previous job I was the only employee and felt very isolated and no banter, don't know how I survived, I was well able for the job and very good at it, but the isolation wasn't good for me.

I wouldn't have great tolerance for loud mouths who constantly seek attention, but there are a few in my workplace whom I have learned to tolerate and not react to them, this really helps, its about managing ourselves around others and not reacting, we are only responsible for our own behaviour

I see some people in my work place chose to go out to their cars during lunch to get a break from people and have a bit of space, nothing wrong with it, what ever works for the individual. See how this works out before you decide to leave the job.

Mind yourself and the best of luck, keep in touch

Claw Hammer

If you are not happy at work, just change job. I have had to do it on a number of occasions. It is always for the better. Co-workers won't change. They have you labelled and that is it.

ongarboy

Claw Hammer wrote: »

If you are not happy at work, just change job. I have had to do it on a number of occasions. It is always for the better. Co-workers won't change. They have you labelled and that is it.

You can change job but if you don't change your attitude or approach on how to handle or deal with other people, then you just repeat the vicious circle and find new "enemies", adversaries, issue and reasons why you get so angry or filled with rage.

This doesn't mean you have to fundamentally change who you are as a person. If you are naturally shy, quiet or introverted, that is OK. Once you learn to accept and embrace that is who you are and that you are good and decent person who is self effacing, is helpful, approachable and eager to do an honest day's work, then that will speak for itself and people will recognize it. You will also need to learn to better deal with anger and how to handle when things are not going your way. This where CBT or even therapy to explore and address root causes may help.

Zen65

Worknotgood wrote: »

This in itself is ok but when I see him having the craic with other (less gifted) members of the team or if someone is sharing details of a night out I cant join in and that annoys me.

Do you mean "less gifted" than you?

Op, your boss does not sound like somebody I'd like to spend much time with, but it seems to me that he does actually know how to adjust his behaviour to match the people he deals with, including you. He is 'one of the lads' when dealing with some people who like the craic, and he gives space to you because he sees you prefer not to engage in that sort of thing.

But you see his adaptive behaviour as a bad thing, as somehow you see it reflecting badly on you.

I'd suggest you stop focusing on him, and focus more on how you can learn to adapt your behaviours to establish rapport with the people you work with. That's what truly gifted people do.

Remember, in a storm, the grass that leans with the wind survives better than the trees that try to remain rigid.

If that does not appeal to you, there's no sensible option other than finding a new job.

Be at peace,

Z

mikemac2

You are in the same job for 13 years so you should be the strongest. If you were not then something would be wrong. To look at others as "less gifted" isn't fair at all. And many of these will pass you out and one day might be your manager. "less gifted" ?

I don't think changing jobs is going to solve this as you will find the same situation wherever you go, even if you take a job abroad. Wherever you go you take yourself with you

The good news is you are self aware and there is a lot of advice here on steps to change. I think the change will have to come from within you