Dreading turning 30 because my 20s were a failure

LegacyUser

I’ve been pretty much going through a kind of existential crisis since I was 25, and now that I’m almost 30, each day is filled with regret about life and my youth passing me by. I suffered with social and health anxiety during pretty much all of my 20s, which has hampered many of my experiences so far in life.

Because of this sense of missing out compared to everyone else, I feel awful about turning 30; the traditional signal of the end of youth. Take my 30th birthday for example—because I only have a couple of drinking buddies, I won’t even be having a party. This contrasts with 99% of people who turn 30 and have a big party because they are already socially successful.

I’ve tried to do things that normal people do in their 20s to live a fulfilling life but anxiety always got in the way and ruined those experiences. I went travelling alone at 23, something I’d always wanted to do, but I was home after 6 weeks because of a bad health anxiety flare up.

I lived abroad for a total of about 18 months between 25 and 28, however, much of that period was spent entirely alone, working on my laptop.

I have only slept with two people in my life yet most other people spend their 20s engaged in either casual sex or multiple short-term sexual relationships.

I’ve been to one music festival in my life, which was Oxegen way back in 2010. Contrast that with pretty much the entirety of the country’s twentysomethings, who go to music festivals with big groups of friends every summer.

I like playing 5-a-side football, but I’ve spent most of the decade not playing it because I don’t have enough friends to organize a game with.

I still live at home because I can’t afford to rent in Dublin. It’s also highly unlikely I’ll ever afford a house here.

Oh yeah, and college was a miserable experience for me because my social anxiety became really noticeable walking around UCD campus, which was full of thousands of confident good-looking people who effortlessly made friends.

So yeah, my 20s were a failure in most possible ways. I am terrified of turning 30 because it’s the final nail in the coffin for my youth and I can’t get that time back. It’s hard for me to move on because everyone else has their **** together.

LegacyUser

Do you have to live in Dub? At least for the next few years?

You mentioned you lived abroad but spent most of the time alone working on your laptop, can you work on your laptop now in another/cheaper place in Ireland? I moved to Galway recently and it's great. Athlone is closer to Dublin, a nice enough town.

I think you have an idea about 'everyone else' that isn't necessarily true. I know plenty in their late 20s/hitting thirty that haven't spent the last decade having casual sex, travelling, living it up. I've never been to a festival myself, it's something I'd like to do but can never justify the money. At this point I think you need to stop looking at others or having this idea of others, it's time to focus on you.

Are you getting help for the anxiety? You know that this is what's holding you back so time to tackle it. Maybe as a hobby you could get into healthy eating/cooking/baking, or gym? Something Good for the mind and body

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say you're not alone. I could have written that post myself. Feel very much the same about myself turning 30 this year. I feel a lot of shame looking back at my 20s and thinking of the next few years of my life kind of puts the fear of God in me!

Not much advice from me I'm afraid, but at the very least you're not alone in this.

Try accept yourself as you are. And live the best you can, day by day.

Xterminator

Hi

You could consider that your 30s will be a new slate. you could take the opportunity to put your disappointments behind you. But for that to work you have to let go of the past! I think that you look at other peoples lives, and facebook/instagram. You compare the appearance of perfect lives to your own, and that's a real pity.

Where to start? some of the people you went to college with are homeless, some probably dead, some unemployed. some have children with special needs and face daily battles. Some have fallen into addiction and ill health.

you have a roof over your head. presumably your physical health, possibly a job, you have had the opportunity to travel. i think you need to practise mindfulness, to live in the present, and appricate what you have not what you have not got.

i recommend this book - to get you on the right track.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic-ebook/dp/B004XCFJ3E

baby and crumble

Ok OP, I'm going to go through this point by point because you slightly need to be told that most of your assumptions are wrong. I'm 37 in 2 weeks. I was terrified of turning 30 myself. I celebrated my 30th birthday broke and unemployed. I now have a solid career, am married and own my house. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past, but the point of my entire post from here on is to show you that life in no way ends at 30.

existentialangst wrote: »

Take my 30th birthday for example—because I only have a couple of drinking buddies, I won’t even be having a party. This contrasts with 99% of people who turn 30 and have a big party because they are already socially successful.

I didn't have a 30th birthday party. None of my friends did either. So don't worry about that one.

existentialangst wrote: »

I’ve tried to do things that normal people do in their 20s to live a fulfilling life but anxiety always got in the way and ruined those experiences. I went travelling alone at 23, something I’d always wanted to do, but I was home after 6 weeks because of a bad health anxiety flare up.

Fair play to you. I was too scared in my 20's to do that. Probably still wouldn't. Health flares happen. Both mental and physical. They happen.

existentialangst wrote: »

I lived abroad for a total of about 18 months between 25 and 28, however, much of that period was spent entirely alone, working on my laptop.

Again, I never even did that. I could've, and probably should've tried during the recession but I was too scared. So fair play again.

existentialangst wrote: »

I have only slept with two people in my life yet most other people spend their 20s engaged in either casual sex or multiple short-term sexual relationships.

I've slept with one person my entire life. I'd say 99% of my friends have had an average of about 5 sexual partners. People lie about that stuff all the time. Seriously, don't believe it.

existentialangst wrote: »

I’ve been to one music festival in my life, which was Oxegen way back in 2010. Contrast that with pretty much the entirety of the country’s twentysomethings, who go to music festivals with big groups of friends every summer.

Again, I've been to one musical festival, and it was ****. I have 2 friends who regularly go to music festivals, and maybe another 1 who did in his 20's. If the entire population of Irelands 20-29 year olds went to music festivals every summer, the every town and city would be half empty whenever there was one on. So that's incorrect.

existentialangst wrote: »

I still live at home because I can’t afford to rent in Dublin. It’s also highly unlikely I’ll ever afford a house here.

Honestly, you're definitely not on your own there. I'm lucky in that I was able to buy with my wife, but again, most of my friends (in our mid-late 30's) are renting. Or living with family, I've a fair few friends in that situation too.

existentialangst wrote: »

Oh yeah, and college was a miserable experience for me because my social anxiety became really noticeable walking around UCD campus, which was full of thousands of confident good-looking people who effortlessly made friends.

Again, lies mostly. My experience of college was that everyone is terrified at the start, and eventually force themselves to make friends if they can. You're comparing yourself to people you know nothing about and making assumptions. That's a recipe for disaster. I mean I get it, I've felt like that too in the past because anxiety and depression are assholes that mess wit your perception of reality. But I guarantee you if you stopped 10 random students on campus and asked them if they were truly happy, and confident in themselves 8 would say no, 1 would say yes and be honest and the last would be lying.

existentialangst wrote: »

So yeah, my 20s were a failure in most possible ways. I am terrified of turning 30 because it’s the final nail in the coffin for my youth and I can’t get that time back. It’s hard for me to move on because everyone else has their **** together.

Nope. I am 100% happier and more successful now than I ever was in my 20's. I wouldn't go back if you paid me. Well, maybe to get away from back pain I would. :P I have a better social life now that in my 20's, I am more settled and confident in myself. I'm no different a person, but I am honestly so happy to be out of my 20's. Please just tale one thing away from me slightly ranting at you and know that i actually don't have one friend that isn't happier now.

LegacyUser

I OP I can relate to everything you posted, you are not alone.
Ive had social anxiety since my early 20's and it honestly ruined my youth and all my relationships.
I turned 30 this year and didnt have a party because I had no one to have a party with, didnt have a party for my 29th, 28th or 27th either.
Ive been to one festival and I only went for the day, didnt camp and I didnt even enjoy it, It rained the entire time, couldnt get near a toilet as the ques were miles long, it wasn't fun. Got a bus home at 12 soaking wet and covered in mud.
Ive been too frightened to travel even though it was something I always wanted to do.
I hated college, I moved to a tiny little town because the rent was cheap, there was nothing to do and everybody knew everybody else's business, I made a couple of friends but most of them had either dropped out or moved away by the time id gotten to 3rd year, I spent the last 2 years pretty much isolated.
Im qualified for my dream job but cant actually get the job I want, cant seem to get any job infact, my social anxiety plays a role as I cant network and get to know people.
I still live with my parents as I cant afford to rent.
Im also single and have gotten so many lines and wrinkles on my face in the last year it depresses me so much as I was always attractive and feel like the best years of my physical appearance are behind me and its only going to get worse.

Any of my friends or acquaintances that have their **** together, are either really talented and used their creativity or talents to get ahead and fair play to them, some just networked really well or had families with connections the others are ahead because their families pay for nearly everything or they got on the housing list years ago and now have a free house.
Having everything together is down to luck for most people.

This year im learning how to drive, im only just in a financial place where I can learn how to do this, not even thinking about buying a car or insurance, thats another couple of years away but im not giving up.
I started going to counselling, not sure if its doing anything yet but its early days.
I also joined a gym and this gives me a bit of motivation and reason to get out of the house, especially on bad days.

Also don't worry about not having slept with loads of people, its not as great as it sounds, feelings get hurt, it can lead to very messy situations and random sex is never that good anyway, its not worth the hassle and most people would regret sleeping with half the people they slept with, even if they dont admit it.

All id say to you is you're living in Dublin, its not like you're stuck in a rural place with nothing around you, you have everything on your door step so get out there and start trying new things, volunteer, get involved in sports clubs and go to gigs by yourself. I know its easier said than done, especially with social anxiety but the more you do the more confident you become and the less the anxiety effects you in certain situations , you just have to push through it and keep putting yourself in uncomfortable situations.
Also go to your GP about your mental health, they can recommend a therapist and prescribe you medication if its something you'd be willing to try.

dellas1979

existentialangst wrote: »

I feel awful about turning 30; the traditional signal of the end of youth.

Holy sh*t! I never got this memo! Who exactly said that? Do you hear yourself? You are believing this mind numbing drivel.

Your life is a mind set, and what you think about it, and what you think about yourself.

Noone is going to change your mindset for you. Only you. Youve to do the work on that.

If you choose a miserable attitude about aging and catastophising about "loosing your youth", and all the things that didnt happen in your 20s, you are going to lead a tough life. Simple as that.

If you seem to identify with having an existential crisis, then you have read about "etre pour autri" - living for others. This is exactly (from what you write) what you are doing.

Everyone else is having an amazing life, except for you of course.

Life is for learning mate. If you havent learned the lesson, it will keep playing over and over again.

Your 30s can move forward with all your learnings from your 20s! If you need help doing this, a councellor or life coach would be a priority.

You seem to have become accustomed to feel sorry about yourself. I've had to dig my own self out of many holes. And things changed when I changed attitude. Digging and getting myself out of holes actually felt a lot better than staying in the hole.

JupiterKid

OP...heed the advice of the others on this thread because it is good advice. We all have our ups and downs in life...all of us, every single one of us, no exceptions. You may think everyone else is super confident and having a whale of a time but that is YOUR perception, it is certainly not the reality.

You are stuck in a cycle of negativity and this too will pass - but you’ve got to work on it. Life is what you make of it and is yours for the taking. You would be well to try some new activities, new hobbies, they can really help to give you a better sense of perspective and self-esteem.

As for comparing yourself to others, this is a complete recipe for misery. There is a good adage: “comparison is the thief of joy.” It is very true because I used to compare myself to others I perceived to be happier, better adjusted, more successful than myself. All it brought was unhappiness and self-loathing. Everyone is different and has a different journey in life. You are on your own journey so it is pointless to compare.

My 20s were great in many ways - I got a good degree, a good postgrad, then landed a pretty good career job. By the time I was 26 I was in a long-term relationship. I had plenty of casual sex and partied pretty hard. Went to the odd music festival but never to one every single year!

But I was still deeply insecure and crippled with anxiety at times, and full of self doubt. I didn’t get to travel the world, I did live in the States briefly and mostly enjoyed that but my demons of self doubt and anxiety were on my back all the time. I had several panic attacks.

Then in my early 30s my world fell apart after horrendous workplace bullying. I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. I isolated myself, my relationship fell apart, I took to very very heavy drinking and stopped working and functioning. I was locked into a cycle of self-destruction. I ended up in psychiatric hospital and several rehabs. To top it all off, my father died. I was seriously ill as a result of my alcoholism. Most of my 30s was a write off.

Now at 44, I am getting my life back. I have re-engaged in my career, I am sober, I am in a relationship but my anxiety and self doubt are still there. I work hard to keep them in check.

So you see OP, we all have our own life journeys, it is never plain sailing. You are still very young at 30 and life is there for the taking if you want it.

antix80

Hi op. Read Jordan Peterson, 12 rules for Life.

ginandtonicsky

Who are these "most people" who spend their 20s travelling, going to music festivals, having non-stop flings and casual sex, walking around effortlessly making friends and being total rides and ringing their 30th birthday in with a big mad party?

Newsflash OP: most people spend most of the time treading water and trying to get through the day unscathed. Not living their best life like it's an instagram highlights reel. By the way, if you're using social media to stay informed on "most people"'s lives, stop doing that RIGHT NOW. It's all a load of bull, total fake news! Most people are average and boring most of the time. Most people are insecure. Most people wish they had someone else's life a lot of the time.

I had a quiet family dinner to celebrate my 30th. Best day ever, my family are the best thing I have and it's a memory I'll always cherish. I spent most of my 20s living abroad and building an exciting career, had lots of flings and some casual sex, would've been considered "confident and good-looking" too - was I happy? Jesus no. Mostly lonely and insecure. Zero work life balance, major insecurities over the series of ****e, non-committal men I kept meeting, missing home constantly, good at faking confidence but pretty low self-esteem beneath it all. Felt a bit lost and "what do I do next?" most of the time. Stop judging your own life against the superficial, surface-level bits of details you get on other people. You don't have the whole picture. You probably never will.

Your entire post displays endless categories of negative thinking patterns: catastrophising, negative filtering, regret orientation, labelling, dichotomous thinking, etc etc. Are you familiar with CBT? It's a really handy tool for addressing the way you think and training your brain to address some really negative beliefs with rational thought. Have a look into it, you'll find lots of practical exercises online. I go through the ABC model every day with certain real-life scenarios and find it really helpful for bringing my mind away from those negative thoughts and back to a more balanced mindset. I literally take out my notebook and start scribbling.

How exactly does it help you to tell yourself that you're ancient now at 30 and have "wasted" your 20s and are useless and a failure and a loser and there's no hope for you now? It doesn't, obviously. So that needs to change. Commit yourself to changing that.

Oh and by the way, 30 is a bloody child these days. I'm 34 and it's only in the last two or so years that I've stopped giving a damn about everyone else and have started to live the way I want, for me alone. God it's exhausting to constantly look for external validation. To constantly measure yourself against the half realities of other people. Bloody knackering!

I was mostly an insecure wreck in my 20s. I now have the self-respect I didn't have then to ask for what I want and to take care of my health, say NO when I really need to and assert myself at work, in relationships, all the rest of it. Those things came with age, time and experience for me. Oh and I'm also more of a hit now with men than i ever was, so calling absolute bs on your "nail in the coffin of my youth" rubbish!

I absolutely hate this trite cliche but it's really so true - your life is what you make it. You and only you can take the reins here. So what are you going to do?

LegacyUser

existentialangst wrote: »

99% of people who turn 30 and have a big party because they are already socially successful.


most other people spend their 20s engaged in either casual sex or multiple short-term sexual relationships.

pretty much the entirety of the country’s twentysomethings, who go to music festivals with big groups of friends every summer.

thousands of confident good-looking people who effortlessly made friends.

everyone else has their **** together.

The first thing to do is stop looking at social media or wherever you're getting these ideas from, because not one of them is right. Even if they were accurate (and I cannot stress enough that they are not), comparing yourself to others is probably one of the biggest thieves of happiness you could find. If you're not already doing it, go and get some professional support, to get some perspective on where you are in life and where you want to go, because rattling the unhelpful ideas above around is doing you no good.

zoobizoo

Did you post on here before about this? (I seem to remember someone focusing on the fact that they never went to music festivals when everyone else did)

"This contrasts with 99% of people who turn 30 and have a big party because they are already socially successful."
- where do you get those figures from? Thinking of my own family and friends, some had big parties, some went out for dinner, I decided to meet a friend for a couple of pints on the night.


"most other people spend their 20s engaged in either casual sex or multiple short-term sexual relationships"
- where do you get this from? I know a few people who slept around, I know a lot of people who were in relationships, I know people who were like you.

"Contrast that with pretty much the entirety of the country’s twentysomethings, who go to music festivals with big groups of friends every summer"
- some people go to festivals, some don't. In my 20s I went to about 2. 1 early 20s and 1 late 20s. I went with 1/2 other people. Some go with big groups, some go with small groups, some even go alone.

"It’s hard for me to move on because everyone else has their **** together. "
- some people have their s*** together, some have some of their s*** together, some have none of it together....
Regardless, why would someone else's behaviour impact on your behaviour.


What have you done to deal with your social anxiety? What are you currently doing to deal with your social anxiety? Have you been to talk to a therapist? Have you bought any helpful books? Have you researched online?


I'm talking as someone who had extreme social anxiety in my 20s, less in my 30s and even less in my 40s.... your post is full of really ridiculous statements which you really need to start countering.


You went travelling - you also lived abroad (regardless of the outcome) - that's something that you've done in your 20s that many of your peers would have loved to have done. Maybe they're regretting that they didn't. Who cares though - it should make no difference to the way you lead your life.


If you want a recommendation for a book, ask here and I'll give you one.


We all have regrets - that's life.

LegacyUser

Hi,

OP here again. Thanks for your replies so far anyone.

I've come to realize from the responses that my thinking is definitely horribly flawed. However, part of my anxiety and other mental health issues is thinking that my suffering is unique; that only I could've messed up my 20s given the opportunities I've had.

Like I see so many people who went to Canada and Australia and stuff on working holidays with friends during their 20s and they seem to be having the time of their lives. When I tried something like that I had to go it alone and my anxiety and introversion caught up with me; I only lasted like 3 months because I felt too alone, not being able to mingle with loud groups of people much more extroverted and socially adept than me.

I guess I just wish I was normal. Believe me I've looked into plenty of different things to help. I became interested in Eastern philosophies, and standard modern psychological treatments like CBT, ACT etc. I've read books like The Happiness Trap, Feeling Good, Overcoming Social Anxiety. All of these resources have excellent information but none of it ever sinks in. I feel good while reading these books and then I go straight back to negativitiy, regret and poor self-esteem as soon as I put the book down.

I went to group therapy for social anxiety last year but it was horrible; too much pressure for me to speak in front of a group of 9 others. I only lasted 6 sessions in that out of 12 and I took propranolol before 3 or 4 of them just to be able to speak without my voice shaking.

I was in individual therapy for a while before the group thing and it didn't quite work out, partly because I didn't put enough into it but it also didn't have enough of a structure or a plan for me.

So i'm trying to overcome my problems but it's hard when you can't quite the shake the regret and escape from being in constant comparison mode.

zoobizoo

You appear to be expecting change without effort, learning and awareness of what your issues are.

You can't just read a book and change - it'd be like wanting to be a computer programmer, reading a book and expecting to be able to programme.

You have to do the exercises and learn why you are the way you are and behave the way you do.

It's a constant effort. You quit group therapy, you quit your own therapy and didn't put the work in.... what are you expecting to happen?

Why do you think this stuff comes easy for "everyone" else? That everyone went off to the States and Canada. That everyone can just slot in to a big group of people.... they can't.

Do you think it was easy for those others in group therapy who were going through the exact same thing as you? What would the worst thing have been if they had heard your voice shaking?

WIth regards to CBT, did you do it every day? How much time did you put into it?

Confidence, for those who don't have much, has to be worked on. Little daily challenges help to build little bits of confidence.



With regards to personal therapy, a plan and structure, why did you expect it to have a plan and a structure for you? Did you ask about where things were going, how it was going to work etc. Talking therapy often doesn't have a "we'll make you confident and these are the exact ways how we'll do it" structure.... it's talking about why you feel the way you do and come to an understanding of self acceptance, self worth and you then work from there.


Sorry if any of the above sounds harsh and critical but I've been in your shoes and expected change to happen without making the small daily steps, and without investing the time daily in order to make that happen.

(As an aside, I went travelling on my own, my knees buckled with fear when I arrived at the first airport... I nearly shat myself..... I spent week 1 in a hotel room, speaking to no one...... I forced myself to go to make small talk with people.... that small talk gave me the confidence to chat a bit more and I soon learned that what I had feared forever held no fear..... if people wanted to talk to me they could..... if they didn't and found me boring, so be it..... what was overwhelming for me became less overwhelming, I was still anxious going into places on my own but each time was a growing and learning experience..... )


I'll leave you with this: Buy The Feeling Good Handbook - if you have it, take it off the shelf and go to the written exercise pages - the untwisting your thinking section, TIC TOC techniques etc and get yourself a new A4 page and commit to doing those for a day... or maybe 2 days.... but invest an hour into your future happiness and commit.

It won't always be easy - but if you don't do it, life won't get any better.

ginandtonicsky

Do you actually want to change. OP? Or do you want to be posting here again on your 40th birthday complaining about how you've "wasted" two decades of your life and now you're even older again?

Change is hard. It's challenging and it's a lot of work and most of the time it's a daily grind that's a bit tedious and repetitive. And your brain will fight it every step of the way. Because it's your brain that you're trying to re-programme and there's nothing remotely comfortable about that.

But change is NOT reading a book and expecting to be suddenly enlightened. It's not going along to a handful of therapy sessions half-heartedly and then complaining that you didn't get fixed fast enough despite investing nothing in it. It's not half-attempting to do something and then giving yourself an excuse to back out of it because you didn't walk away a new man even though you never committed in the first place.

That's someone that thinks they want a new way, facing a bit of discomfort and using that as an excuse to go back to the old way.

There's 40 things I'd rather be doing every day instead of taking out my notebook and working through a real-life scenario using my CBT techniques to try to rectify my thinking. I work 12 hour days, commute two hours a day, am studying part-time and travel for work twice a month. Most evenings I'd literally prefer to be watching Love Island.

But I do it because the cost of not doing it is too high. Not doing it means I'll continue to think of myself as "less than", I'll have no coping skills for dealing with life's hardships and my self-esteem will drop again. The regrets will build, I'll live with a general sense of unhappiness.

That's intolerable to me. Far more intolerable, in the long run, than the repetition of trying to learn a new way.

Half the battle of change is simply showing up for it. That means sticking with something when it feels like it's not working and not letting yourself away with the excuses.

So back to my original question - do you actually want to change?

LegacyUser

I was medicated just to be able to show up to group therapy. I'd be shocked if that strikes anyone here as a normal way to engage in non-medical mental health treatment,. Other people there were obviously nervous, but were they taking a beta blocker? I highly doubt it.

It's easy to be condescending from behind a keyboard I guess. Plenty of people go through life without ever actually doing anything about their problems other than self-sabotage but I did try some stuff.

Fair enough if it sounds I haven't tried as much as I could've, but it's disingenuous to convey me as someone who doesn't want to change or who hasn't done anything at all.

With regards,to whether it was easy for people who've had fun in places like Canada and Australia, no it's never easy, it requires effort.

However, my point was these people were lucky enough to be in positions where they were able to go with friends. Engaging in an experience like that with people you're already comfortable with makes it much less daunting. I have friends, but sadly none of them were ever in a position to go away with me like that.

Anyway, my youth didn't go like everyone elses. Much of my 20s was lonely. I had plenty of potential and my anxiety and low self-esteem got in the way.

The vast majority of people love their 20s, come out of it socially adjusted normal people with lots of friends. I obviosuly was dealt a bad hand with anxiety and then being lazy or whatever else I've been conveyed as in this thread hasn't helped things.

Oh well, it is what it is. My one shot at youth and life is gone and I'll most likely give in to drink or drugs at some point down the line. Bye.

LegacyUser

Read your last paragraph and realise how much your attitude and outlook stink. You're taking 30 as some major cut off point for youth, that's ridiculous. The majority of people aren't as well rounded or together as you think but faking it til make it. A person will seemingly large groups of friends, fabulous career and travelling the world can be as crippled with anxiety as the next person.

It's a vicious cycle people won't want to be around that attitude it will drag them down too.

zoobizoo

Stop playing the victim....

No one is being condescending - we're challenging your thinking and your behaviour. You tried some stuff but it hasn't worked - you need to explore why it hasn't and why you have given up on the things that you have tried.


I went to Toast Masters a few times as I was so fearful of public speaking - I downed a few pints before I went in to enable me to say hello to strangers. In fact, I medicated with alcohol for years to help me through social situations.


Have you asked yourself where your anxiety comes from? Do you actively challenge it? The book I've recommended is a great first step and along with a therapist, will help you. A therapist won't cure you of anxiety.



As I said, I suffered from Social Anxiety for years. I had no one to go travelling with either. It was extremely daunting.... as it is for many people. Many friends who were socially able said that they would be too nervous to do it on their own or wouldn't have the balls to leave their jobs so even the socially gifted are anxious doing something like that.



"The vast majority of people love their 20s, come out of it socially adjusted normal people with lots of friends."
That is untrue. That is a perception you have. You don't seem to want to challenge that. At 30 I had 3 good friends from school. None from college. 2 from working 9 years.

" I obviosuly was dealt a bad hand with anxiety and then being lazy"...
Many people including myself were dealt a bad hand with anxiety and that anxiety causes procrastination which can be perceived as laziness. That's fair enough. But there seems to be an inability for you to see that many people have anxiety and do things, those who are successful in life have challenges just like you, but they have better coping mechanisms that you need to develop.


You obviously want to change but you haven't found a successful way to change. There is good advice on this thread that might help you on your journey but you seem not to listen to the things that are hard to hear.



I remember a friend of mine kept leaving therapists until she found one who she felt she could work with - the truth was that she found a therapist who told her what she wanted to hear, not what she needed to hear.


Finding an emotional focused psychologist would be my advice. Take it easy on yourself. Stop believing that your thoughts are the truth.

ginandtonicsky

Existentialangst wrote: »

The vast majority of people love their 20s, come out of it socially adjusted normal people with lots of friends. I obviosuly was dealt a bad hand with anxiety and then being lazy or whatever else I've been conveyed as in this thread hasn't helped things.

Oh well, it is what it is. My one shot at youth and life is gone and I'll most likely give in to drink or drugs at some point down the line. Bye.

Frankly OP this is immature and crazy talk. No, the vast majority of people don't love their lives while you sit around with your "bad hand" wishing that life could be different for you.

Happiness is not friends and travel and festivals and fun. Happiness is a process that starts and ends from within.

If you're serious about wanting to change, set your ego aside, put on your big boy pants and get used to hearing things that make you uncomfortable. Treat these things as data rather than judgements: data that you can change to produce different results.

Your beliefs that need to change: Life is uniquely hard for you. You were dealt a bad hand.You wasted your 20s. No-one struggles like you do. 30 is old and too late for everything. You're ancient now.

Find yourself a good therapist and tease those beliefs out. Ask for homework. Do your homework every day. Address these beliefs and use those exercises to challenge them every day.

If you're not serious about wanting to change, then you can continue to moan about how awful your life is and how easy everyone else has it, but you'll find no audience for it, here or in real life. Most people don't have time for that type of person. It's self-indulgent and immature and they don't want to hear it.

beertons

I read the first post there, and thought it was about me.

I'm 40 next year, and thought of having a few friends and their wives around. No point in booking a place for a party, then asking people to come and fill it.

Less is more.

Ursus Horribilis

Your thread sounds very familiar. Have you posted before - repeatedly? What exactly were you looking for from this thread?

The thing is, nobody here can help you all that much. You can be given advice until it comes out of your ears but unless you're willing to do something about your issues, you're wasting everybody's time. I don't think boardsies can help you. You need professional help. And more than that, you need to be willing to engage with that help. It's not going make any difference to us whether you get help or sit at home feeling sorry for yourself. It's your life you're living. Do you want to make it better or will you be looking back at 40 and saying you wasted your 30s too?

SirChenjin

'I was medicated just to be able to show up to group therapy. I'd be shocked if that strikes anyone here as a normal way to engage in non-medical mental health treatment,. Other people there were obviously nervous, but were they taking a beta blocker? I highly doubt it.'

None of us know, in any situation, who around us is taking beta blockers or indeed something stronger to help them to cope whether it's work/ leisure/ therapy or whatever.

Comparison is the thief of joy. If you promise yourself one thing as a result of this thread, please let it be to stop comparing yourself to others. Nobody whether in their twenties, thirties, forties...has a charmed and perfect life. Everyone suffers from insecurities of one kind or another.

You have received a lot of very sound advice here.
Please do seek out a therapist who will help you to challenge your mindset.
Take care.

kob29

Take a look on rip.ie at all the people who died last week younger than their 30th birthday. What would they have given to turn that corner? If you're not dying then you're overreacting and trapping yourself in a circuit of fatalistic thoughts that just are not true.
Why are you believing all these thoughts that life as a 20something year old is all that? Who said life pre-30 is the highlight of your lifespan. It definitely wasn't for me....the best stuff came long after I ate my birthday cake! Give up the imaginary to-do list and make one that's meaningful to you and act on it...start with something small and build.
Your thoughts are untrue and you are wallowing in something that is not real. You'll go to bed as a 29year old and wake up as a 30 year old...the absolute only thing you can take from your 20s now are lessons learned about what way you dont want to continue....then do something different for a different result in your 30s.

Graces7

if you look backwards you will walk into something or trip up.

Look forwards and choose where you walk

aqn29swlgbmiu4

zoobizoo wrote: »

Did you post on here before about this? (I seem to remember someone focusing on the fact that they never went to music festivals when everyone else did)

IT'S BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN POSTING THIS SAME THREAD EVERY FEW WEEKS IN PI FOR YEARS, LITERALLY YEARS AT THIS STAGE!!!

<link removed>

Would you stop wasting people's time and energy!
Go to a counsellor! Start meditating! You are stuck in a mental cycle of negativity!

Wanderer2010

existentialangst wrote: »

I’ve been pretty much going through a kind of existential crisis since I was 25, and now that I’m almost 30, each day is filled with regret about life and my youth passing me by. I suffered with social and health anxiety during pretty much all of my 20s, which has hampered many of my experiences so far in life.

Because of this sense of missing out compared to everyone else, I feel awful about turning 30; the traditional signal of the end of youth. Take my 30th birthday for example—because I only have a couple of drinking buddies, I won’t even be having a party. This contrasts with 99% of people who turn 30 and have a big party because they are already socially successful.

Evidence of this? That without doubt is an extremely misleading thought. Maybe it comes from looking at a few people on Facebook and concluding that "99%" of people are socially successful.

It stands to reason then that if you are wrong about that, you are wrong about other things.

woodchuck

Thread locked as per OPs request.