Anxiety since breakup

LegacyUser

Long time poster but went Anon for this one.

In February 2018 my long term ex girlfriend (8 years, known each other 10 years) left me. There was no one thing that caused it, moreso a culmination of things that stacked and came to a head. It wasn't an explosive ending but was crushing nonetheless. She stated that she wanted to remain friends but drifted shortly thereafter to zero contact, probably for the best anyway but given my close relationship with her siblings/family it doubly hurt tbh.

Fast forward to today, I just feel empty tbh. I feel like I've tried to rise above the misery, the lost hope and plans, all of it, I just can't shake it. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I really put all energy into building the foundations of a life with her and when that was quashed i just lost 'me' if that makes sense. I used to be outgoing, happy, ambitious but that all changed with it. Anxiety just rules my life now.

Whilst I've come to accept the fact that it's a part of my life I'll never get back, I just can't take the steps to meeting new people and finding some semblance of normality that I want. I'm a good looking guy and get plenty of female attention but my anxiety ruins it and I just convince myself I'm resigned to being alone for the forseeable.future. i have some good friends but given our ages (27+) pretty much all of them have settled down or are in the process of.doing so and I think it just compounds it all for me.

I'm sorry if this makes zero sense to those reading, I've just had enough of feeling like this and would appreciate any and all words. Thanks

Ursus Horribilis

I think you could do with talking to your GP and going to a counsellor at this stage. You've gone beyond the intial shock of the break-up an you now seem to be in a rut. One where you're anxious and thinking negatively. It's important that you get past that and I'm not sure the usual advice given to posters will help here. Not when you're that down on yourself.

As things stand, what is your life like? Do you play sports or have any sort of a social life? If you're coming home to an empty house and don't reallly have social contact, that's not going to help either.

Nikki Sixx

27 is young and a good age to be single

VegetaIRL8e

I have to agree with Ursus.
Think it's time to talk to a GP and or Therapist about these feelings and the situation you are in. I like you have put myself into 2 relationships (I'm 37 now) where I felt I poured myself into them fully only to break down and I swear having a therapist was the best thing I ever did.

It's never easy and can be made worse by, as you have mentioned, friends maybe starting to settle down. Although at 27 that's still very young and you have lots of days ahead of you.

SaltSweatSugar

Fully agree with the others, definitely visit your GP and see about starting counselling/therapy. You can't let the anxiety rule your life, you're still so young and deserve so much more than that.

You might benefit from compassion focused therapy, but I think it's more important to address the anxiety first. That's purely my opinion, I'm not a qualified counsellor/therapist.

I started going to therapy after a breakup, a few other major set backs and deep rooted unresolved grief, and I never felt as sh1t about myself as I did then. I was getting panic attacks. Therapy is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. My therapist is very much subscribed to the compassion focused therapy approach and it's been so incredibly helpful.

You have your whole life ahead of you, you just need a little help in getting back on track.

Ted Johnson

Nikki Sixx wrote: »

27 is young and a good age to be single

This op. For God's sake man go out and meet some girls!

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you could do with talking to your GP and going to a counsellor at this stage. You've gone beyond the intial shock of the break-up an you now seem to be in a rut. One where you're anxious and thinking negatively. It's important that you get past that and I'm not sure the usual advice given to posters will help here. Not when you're that down on yourself.

As things stand, what is your life like? Do you play sports or have any sort of a social life? If you're coming home to an empty house and don't reallly have social contact, that's not going to help either.

Thanks for your reply, I've two good friends that I'd meet up with regularly enough but of course they have a lot going on (relationships etc) so I can have very quiet weeks which obviously isn't good for the head sometimes. I used to play rugby/football weekly but unfortunately I was born with a birth defect in my right leg that has only worsened in the last number of years so I packed that in.

I guess my shyness/anxiety has limited me further than any of my physical problems and I do want to change that myself, I wasn't always like this and know things can be different by taking the right steps. Your suggestion of GP/therapist is likely the correct path for me, I do feel pathetic sometimes still having this **** ruining what should be some of my best years and I think it's that feeling that makes me withdraw rather than actively try and deal with it.

TheBoyConor

At 27 years old you shouldn't be dwelling on a girlfriend that didn't work out. Most young fellas your age would be out on the town having a good time after becoming single. And all the better if they can pull a girl or two for the shift or the ride.

You are 27 but you are going on like you're 47 or something. You're only a young fella ffs.

And unless you have a very outlier group of friends I highly doubt that the majority of 27 years olds are settled down or in the process of doing so. And of your friends that are settled down I would guess half of them are probably envious and jealous of your now free and single status.

You can be sure that there is a very good chance that your ex is probably out with her friends meeting fellas and getting the shift and the ride.

Ursus Horribilis

AnxiousLost wrote: »

I guess my shyness/anxiety has limited me further than any of my physical problems and I do want to change that myself, I wasn't always like this and know things can be different by taking the right steps. Your suggestion of GP/therapist is likely the correct path for me, I do feel pathetic sometimes still having this **** ruining what should be some of my best years and I think it's that feeling that makes me withdraw rather than actively try and deal with it.

It's good that you've identified this early. You probably won't believe me but 27 is still very young. You still can turn things around and go on to meet someone in time. Because you got together with your ex when you were so young, you probably lost some of you before the break-up ever happened. It's easy to revert into your comfort zone when you're in a relationship. Being single can be lonely at times and a bit of a pain in the ass but it shouldn't stop you from leading a happy, fulfilled life. I think you've just lost your way a bit and some therapy would help put you back on track again. I think you are being very hard on yourself here. You're no less a person than you were when you were with your girlfriend.

PHG

Hi OP,

As said above, GP and counselling are positive next steps. Look, I know 27 seems old to you. I have a thread here a few pages back where I was freaking out at being 31 and now single. Life was in planning, marraige, babies etc. but I a phrase used in that thread that has stuck to me is that "I am still a scamp". I found it tough to believe at the time, but have started to realise the world is my oyster and it is yours too! As tough as it is, take up something, anything that you have an interest in. The first few times going to something will be tough, even odd but it will be worth it. I don't mean just 1 new adventure, try a few different things as not all will work!!

With all due respect too and I am not trying to be morbid, you will witness a lot of your friends go through break ups over the next few years, I have seen 2 friends and an acquaintances relationships hitting the wall over the last 3 months so try to remember that you are not the only one going through this. Many of us have and got through it, so it can be done. Years ago people used to meet and settle (they still do a lot), so why should you? Try to see this as an opportunity to meet the right person for you. You will find someone who will make you happy and love you for you. You have LOADS OF TIME!!!

I mean no disrespect to the women that hit on you, but for your confidence and social skills, ask one of them out!! That does not mean you have to sleep with them, but use it as a method of progress and ego boost as attention is always nice. I have been on 3 separate dates since my break up, the first 2 were just odd and felt weird. I learned a lot from them on communication skills and interaction but it really helped with the 3rd date. I really didn't want to do the 3rd date, was a tad morbid but mate it has helped me to hold my head up a bit higher.

As I have said in a previous thread, go away on holiday. There are plenty of companys that do tours for 18-35 year olds. It is scary but what have you to lose. I know it is easy for me to say as a keyboard warrior, particularly when your confidence is on the floor. I am assuming you are breaking no contact too (e.g. looking at her social media) by the way you are going on, but some of it has to be forced to move on.

I am going on holidays in 2 weeks and I found out the last time I talked to the ex (a few months ago) that she has booked the same holiday but a day behind me. I am with a tour group, she is with a friend. I was like WTF and had asked her why did she do it on purpose. Turned out to be a huge coincidence but I was like FML I can't even go on holiday! My brother gave me some good advice, he said; what impact will that have on your life in 5 years time if you see her. I said nothing. He said exactly, so so f**king what if you see her, smile politely and drive on and enjoy the holiday and make new friends. He is right too, and if you can, try to implement a similar attitude when you can.

It is easy to say but you are 27. What would 47 year old you say to you now that you have this opportunity?? And yes it is a big opportunity!!!

Nikki Sixx

PHG wrote: »

Hi OP,

As said above, GP and counselling are positive next steps. Look, I know 27 seems old to you. I have a thread here a few pages back where I was freaking out at being 31 and now single. Life was in planning, marraige, babies etc. but I a phrase used in that thread that has stuck to me is that "I am still a scamp". I found it tough to believe at the time, but have started to realise the world is my oyster and it is yours too! As tough as it is, take up something, anything that you have an interest in. The first few times going to something will be tough, even odd but it will be worth it. I don't mean just 1 new adventure, try a few different things as not all will work!!

With all due respect too and I am not trying to be morbid, you will witness a lot of your friends go through break ups over the next few years, I have seen 2 friends and an acquaintances relationships hitting the wall over the last 3 months so try to remember that you are not the only one going through this. Many of us have and got through it, so it can be done. Years ago people used to meet and settle (they still do a lot), so why should you? Try to see this as an opportunity to meet the right person for you. You will find someone who will make you happy and love you for you. You have LOADS OF TIME!!!

I mean no disrespect to the women that hit on you, but for your confidence and social skills, ask one of them out!! That does not mean you have to sleep with them, but use it as a method of progress and ego boost as attention is always nice. I have been on 3 separate dates since my break up, the first 2 were just odd and felt weird. I learned a lot from them on communication skills and interaction but it really helped with the 3rd date. I really didn't want to do the 3rd date, was a tad morbid but mate it has helped me to hold my head up a bit higher.

As I have said in a previous thread, go away on holiday. There are plenty of companys that do tours for 18-35 year olds. It is scary but what have you to lose. I know it is easy for me to say as a keyboard warrior, particularly when your confidence is on the floor. I am assuming you are breaking no contact too (e.g. looking at her social media) by the way you are going on, but some of it has to be forced to move on.

I am going on holidays in 2 weeks and I found out the last time I talked to the ex (a few months ago) that she has booked the same holiday but a day behind me. I am with a tour group, she is with a friend. I was like WTF and had asked her why did she do it on purpose. Turned out to be a huge coincidence but I was like FML I can't even go on holiday! My brother gave me some good advice, he said; what impact will that have on your life in 5 years time if you see her. I said nothing. He said exactly, so so f**king what if you see her, smile politely and drive on and enjoy the holiday and make new friends. He is right too, and if you can, try to implement a similar attitude when you can.

It is easy to say but you are 27. What would 47 year old you say to you now that you have this opportunity?? And yes it is a big opportunity!!!

For a man 27 is a perfect age to hit the late night bars and nightclubs. Enjoy, you will have a blast once you get over your ex, even a little bit.

TheBoyConor

Lookit, you'd swear OP was the only person in history to have gotten broken up with. Yeah, it's a dose fair enough. But at the end of the day you just have to suck it the fúck up and get on with life. All this moaning and wallowing about being over the hill at 27 is, at the end of the day, just shíte talk.

Sorry to be harsh about it but it is true to be fair.

A single 27 year old young fella who is newly single and good looking should be out every weekend riding all around him. When I was 27 main main worry was that I would get a knock on the door from some young wan telling me she was stuffed with a child for me. No lamenting that he is over the hill and "single at 27" and will never find someone. It's ridiculous talk.

Nikki Sixx

Get mangled with a few friends on nights out and take it from there.

SaltSweatSugar

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Lookit, you'd swear OP was the only person in history to have gotten broken up with. Yeah, it's a dose fair enough. But at the end of the day you just have to suck it the fúck up and get on with life. All this moaning and wallowing about being over the hill at 27 is, at the end of the day, just shíte talk.

Sorry to be harsh about it but it is true to be fair.

A single 27 year old young fella who is newly single and good looking should be out every weekend riding all around him. When I was 27 main main worry was that I would get a knock on the door from some young wan telling me she was stuffed with a child for me. No lamenting that he is over the hill and "single at 27" and will never find someone. It's ridiculous talk.

That's a bit unfair. The Op feels how he feels, and everyone reacts to breakups differently. Some people aren't into riding all around them after a breakup. He has said he also suffers from anxiety, so in my opinion he needs to address this matter first.

Just because you feel a certain way about what you would do, and it's different to how he feels, doesn't mean he's being ridiculous.

OP it's great that you've acknowledged that you want to work on this. With regards to having quiet weeks, maybe look into groups or activities that aren't as physical as sports?

TheBoyConor

Yes, that is fair enough I suppose. I know it is a harsh take on it.

But what I stand over is my opinion on the "over the hill at 27 years old" lark. That is just nonsense i think anyone will agree. He'd only a young fella. At that age, thoughts about settling down should be abstract thoughts about something in the distant future, not something to be fretting about and worrying over.

Ursus Horribilis

He's not feeling the best after his break up so for now 27 does feel old to him. I also have a feeling that those of us telling him that 27 is young are looking at that age through the rear view mirror I also don't think that for now, telling him to get twisted and ride all around him is helpful advice.

Honeydew3456

Hi op,

Sorry to hear about your break up. I think you are in the grieving stage - grieving the loss of the future you had worked hard for and were building momentum towards. Anxiety is most definitely a part of this stage and you need to be careful it doesn't turn into a depression. Be very mindful of yourself now, be kind to yourself and as other posters have said, get busy. Fill up your life and re-discover you. If that is overwhelming alone, the benefits of counselling cannot be recommended enough.

Then when you have come out through the grieving stage you will move into acceptance, a perfect time to go riding rings around yourself 🀣

ILoveYourVibes

AnxiousLost wrote: »

Long time poster but went Anon for this one.

In February 2018 my long term ex girlfriend (8 years, known each other 10 years) left me. There was no one thing that caused it, moreso a culmination of things that stacked and came to a head. It wasn't an explosive ending but was crushing nonetheless. She stated that she wanted to remain friends but drifted shortly thereafter to zero contact, probably for the best anyway but given my close relationship with her siblings/family it doubly hurt tbh.

Fast forward to today, I just feel empty tbh. I feel like I've tried to rise above the misery, the lost hope and plans, all of it, I just can't shake it. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I really put all energy into building the foundations of a life with her and when that was quashed i just lost 'me' if that makes sense. I used to be outgoing, happy, ambitious but that all changed with it. Anxiety just rules my life now.

Whilst I've come to accept the fact that it's a part of my life I'll never get back, I just can't take the steps to meeting new people and finding some semblance of normality that I want. I'm a good looking guy and get plenty of female attention but my anxiety ruins it and I just convince myself I'm resigned to being alone for the forseeable.future. i have some good friends but given our ages (27+) pretty much all of them have settled down or are in the process of.doing so and I think it just compounds it all for me.

I'm sorry if this makes zero sense to those reading, I've just had enough of feeling like this and would appreciate any and all words. Thanks

Hello Op.

That happened to my cousin he lived with a Swedish girl for 10 yrs then all of a sudden she was done.

He felt like he lost his life.

Maybe if you look over it though you might see why.

Decide where you want to be in ten yrs.

Make your mind up how you want to be treated by women. Have that as your goal. Have a few flings.

If you don't have a goal about your interactions with people you get side tracked into being over emotional over anxious etc.


You are not going to end up with the next girl you meet etc. You are just going to have fun. Or whatever you want to do.

I think you need to work it out in your mind how to next time not give so much control to a woman so that you lose yourself. You have to be valued.

And while 27 is not old at all, its not good to waste time in life. But dating can be a waste of time. Don't waste time on certain women.

What are your relationship/fling/consensual sex/fun goals with women? Is it to be end up in the same situation again? Or is it to have fun be respected etc?

Spend your time only on your goals. Don't let people or their views treatment thoughts etc side tract you. I think those people or those THOUGHTS are what is maybe giving you anxiety.

Checking in with a therapist etc like others have said is not a bad thing either. And maybe check out some alternative therapies they work wonders for anxiety.

Purgative

Hi OP. Not much to add except this in one of your replies struck me.

I do feel pathetic sometimes still having this **** ruining what should be some of my best years and I think it's that feeling that makes me withdraw rather than actively try and deal with it.

Ursus mentioned it in a reply above.



I think saying things like below are self defeating.



- schooldays are the best days of your life - can be but not if you're being bullied or aren't good at any subjects they're not.


- retirement is the best - can be but not if you've no friends or money.




Don't beat yourself up for not being what you think you should.


All the very best.