Life What to do?

rachelg1

Just looking for some advice please. I'm really lost & feel trapped. I've just finished a level 6 course in May. Didn't go well but expected it anyway as i hated the college. During the course was the first time i ever spend a few nights away from home & found it really hard. I've suffered anxiety/depression since my teens(i'm 30 now). I attend cbt weekly.
I was abused by my brother when i was younger. I live at home with my parents & other brother & need to get out badly but cannot afford anything. The brother who abused me is visiting even more & more now as my dad has retired & is leaving the farm to him. It's not that i think the abuse will happen again or anything it definitely won't but i can't stand the sight of him! I can't bear being around him. Too make it worse my family worship the ground he walks on......so like i said feel trapped now & don't see a way out

Graces7

Is there no way you can get away from home?

Always Tired

Sorry OP that sounds rough.

Just wondering, Why did you find it hard to live away from home if you are so miserable there?

You've probably already considered these, but the only ideas I have are:
Could you possibly go back to school for level 7 degree in that field or even a different field at a different college since you didnt like that one? At your age you would get the BTEA as long as you are progressing to a higher degree.

Would it be possible to put money into a credit union account and then get a loan for a deposit somewhere else, if not to go to school then just to get a job, somewhere less rural where there is employment opportunities?

I know all that is easier said than done, I am stuck at home myself due to finances and health but I only live with my mother and we actually get along well most of the time. Still I would rather it not be like this as the town is a kip with no jobs.

Also, are your family members aware of the previous abuse, and that it is affecting you presently when you have to be around your brother?

rachelg1

No family aren't aware of what happened in past with brother. Only told my therapist about it all lately, no one else knows. Too be honest there would be no point telling them as they worship the ground he walks on.

I've applied for literally every job i see, recently lidl & supervalu both said they are not progressing my application any further. I do go to see Jobpath. They've said my cv is fine. Level 7? No has i would have needed to pass level 6 to qualifiy. Can't really in another field as i would need so many points to gain entry etc so another course is out of question.
Thankfully i do have my own car. Had to travel over an hour to get to the last course. The house i stayed in during that time was fine. There was only a lady in it at first & just as i was beginning to settle her son came to stay. I found it very awkward then. As he was out partying most nights then back to the house with his friends drinking. I don't drink at all.

I definitely have made a lot of progress as regards my health the last few years but just feel like i'm slowly turning back into my old self unfortunately. I've had a course lined up for September the last 2 years so this year i haven't & have nothing to look forward too & can't find a job. I'm just stuck!!

Always Tired

I would talk to your therapist about if and when you should tell your parents about the abuse from your brother. I don't know the details or severity of it but I'd be of the view that if this fella is as you say being worshipped by them and also getting the farm, it's time they know the truth about their son. But obvs I know that could be an extremely uncomfortable or difficult thing to do and I wouldnt be necessarily qualified to give advice on an issue like that. But I have 2 younger sisters and to think of someone abusing their sister and then being treated as the golden boy and inheriting everything really bothers me.

Just so you know, you don't need points as a mature student nor will you have needed to pass a level 6 course to get into a level 7. I didn't go to secondary school in Ireland or have a level 6 when i went. The cao website section on mature students explains this.

The job search in rural towns is definitely soul destroying. The jobs on offer are crap ones for crap pay, and yet they are still impossible to get, usually being filled through nepotism. But at least you have a car and can apply to a wider range of places.

You shouldnt have to feel like this, it's not your fault. Do you have any interests or hobbies that you could pursue to take your mind off things in the meantime? For example I paint and write and I have a dog, joined the gym recently also. I fill my time with those things and am much happier than I would be stacking shelves at Lidl for a wage which probably wouldn't even allow me to rent a 1 BR apt. Dwelling on this stuff will wreck your head.

Strumms

I think as much as it might hurt your parents finding this about your brother..it won’t be YOU hurting them, it will be HIM. He has been the one who has committed as despicable act basically as there is. Yet you are suffering and there is no reason for that. When the dust settles after the initial shock they will see that and be glad you told them.

Also in the mean time focus too on friends and hobbys as Always Tired has said, put your energy into things, activities and the people in your life who make you happy and are positive.

Gremlinertia

Mod note: Going to move this to Personal Issues as that forum would suit it better PI charter applies

rachelg1

Thanks guys. I forgot to say i took out loan to get my car & spend all my savings on rent during the last course. I was studying animal care so the only kind of level 7 option would be veterinary nursing & its very difficult to get into. I volunteer at a shelter & have dropped my cv in at various kennels etc. I have joined meetup & Macra but again not much going on in my area.
Feel been at home is slowly killing me yet I'm so attached to the animals especially the dogs/cats, it was also another reason why i found being away tough.
I already discussed situation with therapist. She obviously said it was up to me if i wanted to make complaint. It was so long ago....about 16 years! I feel i will not gain anything by making a complaint & in a way i could well turn my family against me.

Always Tired

My sister qualified as a vet nurse and had trouble getting work here, but then she did an add on or something to be a practice manager and after that she signed up with a recruiter who got her multiple offers in the UK straight away, and the job she took they paid for her flight over + deposit and 1st month rent in accommodation. She was also a single mom.

But I feel like it's sort of pointless to tell you this because what I'm hearing is that the advice you're getting is pretty much things you've thought of but you feel like theyre not possible. And that's probably partly due to feeling depressed but also possibly valid and true. Nothing makes me more annoyed than "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" talk so I don't want to do that just mentioned it since you said you are interested in that field.

I know how you feel. Being stuck in a rut like that sucks, I know firsthand. I actually worked with animals myself years ago at an SPCA in the US, and would love to get into that line of work again but most of that work is volunteer over here not paid. I saw a paid job somewhat near me recently that was for animal care assistant recently at the ISPCA, but you need a driver's license AND a horsebox license. Like, where are you going to find someone who isn't already working on their own farm who has that? not many people, especially considering it's minimum wage/entry level.

I have no other advice but just know you are not alone. The way this country is configured right now there are a lot of people who are being left to rot, stuck living at home on the dole in crap towns with no jobs available, who can't afford to move to cities where there are jobs, because those cities are ridiculously expensive and we aren't all coders and IT whizzes or engineers, and entry level jobs don't pay enough to keep you going. Basically if you don't have parents well off enough to set you up somewhere else (usually another country) it's tough.

Maybe try and get the loan paid off as fast as possible and then try to link up with someone who also wants to relocate/ house share?

I also saw that Air Emirates were having recruitment fairs around the country recently, they pay for you to relocate to Dubai and you live rent free over there as well. I know that seems like a big leap but in a situation like that you could actually pay off the car, save up some money and then shoot off wherever you wanted.

rachelg1

I guess there's no harm in applying thru the cao for veterinary nursing. I would be amazed if i got in to be honest but do think it would be very interesting.
Just getting out of the house everyday now even for a while has become very important to me. So very lucky I've got my car

antix80

Op, you know that car can be used to drive a lot further... Cork, Belfast, Donegal, Waterford. You could even sell it and move to a city, sure you'll still have a car loan but you'd also have a ball of cash to start a new life.

"Home" has a certain pull to lots of people, even though it's detrimental to your health.

I'm not sure if doing a level 8 is a good idea if you struggled with a level 6. Figure out what you want first, then see where a degree fits in.

TheBoyConor

Your being abused by your brother is probably a majjor factor in your anxiety and depression problems which are holding you back.

You need to speak to your parents and bring the accusation up. You should also go to one in four and the gardai who will take this very seriously. If your parents can be convinced that their beloved son is a child abuser then he might not be given the farm and it might potentially pass to you instead.

Another thing, does you brother have a wife and kids? Or is he likely to have in the future? if he has then he is very likely to be a potential abuser to his own kids or may potentially abuse future children. You need to confront this and make the accusation.

rachelg1

Yes he's married but they have no kids. He doesnt work around kids or anything either. Feel i kinda need to focus on myself rather than drag up the past. I just really don't know what to do as i can't get any job

antix80

rachelg1 wrote: »

Yes he's married but they have no kids. He doesnt work around kids or anything either. Feel i kinda need to focus on myself rather than drag up the past. I just really don't know what to do as i can't get any job

Op, I did the maths and whatever traumatic thing happened when you were about 14? When you say abuse, do you mean rape or bullying, was it over a long period or once-off?

Op, I also fear a little you're putting too much of your future happiness on having a job. Control your expectations. You don't want to get a job, only to fall back into bad habits like returning to your parent's every weekend because it's a comforting thing to do.

Why didn't college go well? You say you hated it. Was it the workload, the fact you'd less free time, the new environment, were you lonely? Learn what went wrong so you don't repeat the same mistakes in the future.

rachelg1

Abuse was a one off. I get what your saying but i need something to get me out of the house so i don't slip back, ideally a job.

The last course was incredibly boring, I've since learned the college has a really bad name for itself & i really dont even think the tutors are qualified to be honest. Yes i am lonely & did find it lonely at college too. I was the oldest in my class & everyone was only interested in going out getting drunk etc

rachelg1

I've probably only ever had about 2 drinks in my life and since i started on my medication haven't had a drop & don't intend too.

Strumms

rachelg1 wrote: »

Yes he's married but they have no kids. He doesnt work around kids or anything either. Feel i kinda need to focus on myself rather than drag up the past. I just really don't know what to do as i can't get any job

Thing is... the past is obviously something that is holding you back and making you unhappy. It could be that addressing this can implement a clean path forward. It must be difficult him showing up, acting like butter wouldn’t melt and ‘massaging’ his inheritance... but just having to be around him and him acting the good son routine. To be honest I’d have some respect and I mean ‘some’ if he apologized, acknowledging his wrong doing, committing to counseling etc... take WHATEVER step enables you towards happiness and achieving your goals, his wellbeing in relation to this is wayyyy down the track.

JustAThought

Very sorry to read about your past and unhappiness op. Did you hate the course and content or the class and isolation? Perhaps the solace of animals is comforting for you but the science of the subject is of little interest? Would it be possible to get a job outside the field and then vilunteer in the area of animals after work? Perhaps this might give you the opportunity to explore more options ? Best of luck.

zapper55

Can you tell a trusted family member first? I'd be afraid that you'd tell your parents and they wouldnt believe it or that your brother would manipulate them like he has done to you. As I hope you realise now, none of it was your fault.

What he did is horrific, and I am very sorry. It must be very painful to see him regularly. Is there any way at all you can move out? Even work a loan from your parents perhaps.

rachelg1

I'm not close enough to my family. As weird as it sounds I'm more attached to the animals ha.
So they certainly wouldn't give me a loan. Ideally id love to rent a flat not too far away so i could easily come home if needed.
Everyday here is getting tougher. Brother was here again yesterday!
I have been looking into a career as a care assistant. So its something to apply for

isohon

Hi OP,

My heart breaks for you. Abuse, particularly of the sexual kind, has many more difficulties when it is the family context. You have made it 16 years and survived. You will make it past this current difficulty too.

Seems to me the most urgent matter for you is finding yourself something to do that will get you out of the house, provide social opportunities and hopefully lead you towards better circumstances and prospects generally.

Have you considered CE schemes? I have relatives you used these schemes for a few years and ultimately graduated onto full employment. Have you considered starting a dog walking, or grooming business? Dog sitting? I have a friend who is currently effectively homeless but she manages to avoid returning home by being a house sitter and a pet sitter? Its not easy and their isn't a manual but it also doesn't take much of an outlay and you can do it by yourself.

As regards your family and brother. Many might tell you that no matter what you must report, you must confront, you must tell your other relatives. They may be right, I honestly don't know. I do know that things are often at lot more complex than such recommendations would portray and I would respect what you feel you have to do in your situation. Do you feel your brother remembers what happened? If so is there a way you could let him know that you do too?

TheBoyConor

I think you should confront your brother about the abuse and shame him. Tell all your relatives so they are aware and can protect their daughters against him.

wiggle16

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I think you should confront your brother about the abuse and shame him. Tell all your relatives so they are aware and can protect their daughters against him.

It isn't that simple. The OP has already outlined their position on this, it's something they need to do when they are ready and they have said as much. They're not in a position to address this or handle the potential fallout. They've only just begun to deal with this, it's not something that can be rushed. The OP isn't responsible for anyone else and is under no obligation to confront their brother.

OP fair play to you for opening up to your therapist. To be fair, all courses have a level of tedium to them and it's something you just need to slog through.

If you're not sure what you want to do, I would suggest doing something practical which gives you a lot of options - by that I mean courses to do with things such as childcare, beauty therapy, social care, hairdressing etc (regardless of whether you are male or female). The reason being that you can find work anywhere in Ireland once you have one of these under your belt.

Keep applying for jobs, and if you get turned down, apply again. Citizen's Information, Intreo or your nearest library will be able to direct you to courses which can assist you with making sure your CV is as good as it can be and your cover letter sells you well.

TheBoyConor

wiggle16 wrote: »

It isn't that simple. The OP has already outlined their position on this, it's something they need to do when they are ready and they have said as much. They're not in a position to address this or handle the potential fallout. They've only just begun to deal with this, it's not something that can be rushed. The OP isn't responsible for anyone else and is under no obligation to confront their brother..

I disagree. The OP has a moral duty of care towards anyone, especially a child relative, niece etc that might be in danger. The brother has already abused once and therefore is a high risk of abusing again. If there are other female children in the extended family to which he may potentially have access to then they are in danger from him. She is aware of this danger and so she is morally obliged to act on it. Ignoring or letting it slide and then for something to happen then puts her in a seriously morally bankrupt position having known the risks and then knowingly and deliberately doing nothing to prevent and incidence of abuse.

How would OP feel inside if it later turns out that a niece or other relative was abused or raped and that she could have prevented it by disclosing prior paedophilic abuse in the family home.

At the very least if she doesn't want to come out with a family/public revealation then she should tip him off and inform him that she is aware of what he has done, the abuse he is capable of, and will be keeping a close eye on him and keeping a watchful eye on child relatives that he might have access to.



This turning a blind eye and sweeping under the carpet is exactly the rot in this society that ignored and thus facilitated and enabled the kind of institutional child sex abuse that happened the length and breath of Ireland up until very recent times.

rachelg1

Yes I've thought about it all a lot. He has no excess to any young children. I would never let it happen to another child.
Ce schemes...yes it will be possible but i have to claim benefits for over a year before I'm eligible.
I do think if i could hint that i still remember in some way. It may rattle him.
Then maybe he won't be so smug when he does visit.
I'm trying to focus more on what i can do to improve my life. I was looking at flats but all too expensive, maybe i would be entitled to rent allowance but even with that i don't think i could manage

rachelg1

Forgot to say i called irish homecare today, they have a vacancy & said they would callback. They didnt but I'll try again tomorrow

Tokyo

TheBoyConor wrote: »

This turning a blind eye and sweeping under the carpet is exactly the rot in this society that ignored and thus facilitated and enabled the kind of institutional child sex abuse that happened the length and breath of Ireland up until very recent times.

Mod: You're welcome to give advice, but the soapboxing ends here.

zapper55

Rachelg1 you have to do what you are comfortable with. God forbid he did abuse another child it would not be your fault, it would be his.

Theboyconor your ignorance of reporting childhood sexual abuse is breathtaking. There can be many reasons why the op may not feel comfortable doing telling her family. Unless you've walked in her shoes dont presume to judge her

SirChenjin

OP, I hope that something good comes your way soon. You have been through a lot.

Would springboard courses be worth a try? I have heard good things about employment opportunities from doing them.

All the best.