I hate my therapist

LegacyUser

I was referred to a therapist through the hse by my doctor, I was a year on the waiting list before getting my appointment and I understand its very difficult to change therapists and can take another year to get an appointment with someone else.

I just really dont connect with her, I find her to be judgmental, very very patronizing and clearly comes from a privileged upbringing as she cant understand or relate to allot of my problems, particularly those relating to money.
Our conversations go around in circles, we havnt talked about anything significant, this is partly due to me feeling unable to open up to her but also her questioning is off, she just comes across so patronizing. She also keeps trying to make jokes that arent funny and I have to fake laugh at them and its awkward and annoying.
She tells me things that I already know and it feels like she's preaching sometimes, its a waste of my time, im getting nowhere.

I really need counselling and I need to work through the issues ive been carrying around with me as they interfere with my life everyday, they effect my relationships, ability to work but ive just found it impossible to find adequate therapy.
I had been sent to a therapist through the HSE before who was brilliant, within a couple of weeks I was seeing huge changes in myself but she stopped seeing me after 4 weeks, we were supposed to have 10 sessions. I was given no explanation but she referred me to the long term counselling.

What can I do? Should I try to change therapist? I dont want to have to wait another year to see someone.

ILoveYourVibes

Well I would say change your therapist. But you say that might take a year etc. And going on in this way for a year or not seeing a therapist for a year etc doesn't seem to the option you want.


Tell her exactly what you think of her. In a nice way.

She needs to know.

Then see if she changes.

Write a letter.

Dear Miss Therapist. I feel the need to express this for the sake of my relationship with you and to help your in your role with other patients too. I feel you patronize and judge me. I want our relationship to be one where I can be honest with you. I will be honest with you in saying that I have no money. I came from poverty. I am frustrated in your lack of insight and perception into people like me.

Do you see me at all?

I think to a certain extent the therapist needs to be malleable or have the ability for growth. We just seem to talk about the same things over and over and over.
I don't want it to be this way.

Or however you mean to put it.

I heard a story once of a guy who wrote a letter to a rabbi. But he felt guilty because he slid it under the door and the Rabbi was old. He felt bad the Rabbi would have to bend to get the letter at his age. So he apologized after in person for that.

The Rabbi answered. 'What kind of Rabbi am I if i can't bend for you?'.

She needs to learn to bend for you. This could be one of the most important lessons in her career.


If you can't change your therapist, change your therapist. I'm sorry I had to! :P

Hoochiemama

Where are you based OP. There are a good few places around that country that will offer free or subsidised counselling with therapists that are in their training. Might be an option for you

irishgirl19

Change therapist. She won't be offended at all.
Its very important to find a therapist that you click with, otherwise the sessions are pointless

LadySkunk

OP it’s so important that you click with your therapist otherwise you won’t completely open up to them.

Could you ask your doctor for a referral to a different therapist and in the mean time while waiting look into a counselling service with subsidised fees?

I don’t know your exact situation whether you need specialised therapy or not but the counselling in the mean time will certainly help get you through until you can get an appointment from the HSE.

It’s okay to not click with your therapist. Don’t be disheartened, sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find “the one” so to speak but once you do you won’t look back.

Good luck on your journey, you’ve taken the biggest step already so well done!

Always Tired

Writing a letter as was suggested by another poster is a non runner IMO. A letter isn't going to magically make her useful. And someone in need of help shouldn't be having to provide some kind of epiphany or turning point for their therapists career.

Ask to change. Some of them are just bloody terrible. I had one who insulted me and told me I wasnt depressed because I was able to still do certain basic things even though I expressed how much of a struggle it was to do them. I have generally a low opinion of talk therapy anyway because I rarely see people get better from it, those that do say it helped them I often wonder why they still have to keep going seemingly indefinitely, but they seem to do it because they like their therapist and believe it is worth it, have to keep working on themselves etc.

I know it must suck to have to wait so long only to find that the person you have pinned your hopes on isn't able to relate to you let alone provide answers or help to your difficulties. But this is Ireland, we love giving good jobs to people who are brutal at them.

ILoveYourVibes

Always Tired wrote: »

I had one who insulted me and told me I wasnt depressed because I was able to still do certain basic things even though I expressed how much of a struggle it was to do them.

That's horrible. Im so sorry that happened to you. I hope life is better for you now.

SirChenjin

LadySkunk wrote: »

OP it’s so important that you click with your therapist otherwise you won’t completely open up to them.

Could you ask your doctor for a referral to a different therapist and in the mean time while waiting look into a counselling service with subsidised fees?

I don’t know your exact situation whether you need specialised therapy or not but the counselling in the mean time will certainly help get you through until you can get an appointment from the HSE.

It’s okay to not click with your therapist. Don’t be disheartened, sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find “the one” so to speak but once you do you won’t look back.

Good luck on your journey, you’ve taken the biggest step already so well done!

Completely agree.

Ask your doctor for a new referral. I'm sure they will have come across plenty of situations where a therapist and client have not 'clicked' for one reason or another.

Also as has been mentioned, some areas do have low cost counselling, that might help while awaiting a new referral.

All the best.

Graces7

Always Tired wrote: »

s career.

Ask to change. Some of them are just bloody terrible. I had one who insulted me and told me I wasnt depressed because I was able to still do certain basic things even though I expressed how much of a struggle it was to do them

Been there suffered that.. seems to be a stock response.. grrr along wit "WELL YOU CAN STILL TALK!"

many years ago thankfully and i a different life

Church on Tuesday

Like any profession, some counselors are just not not good at their job, a lot are well meaning but not realistic in their expectations of you.

Seek a referral, I'm sure your GP will have encountered this before, will understand and there is a good chance your GP has heard similar complaints from previous patients.

Take care OP.

Wanderer2010

OP, can you not just check online for a list of therapists that are registered on the IAC.ie and scroll down to see what issues they deal with, throw them a text and ask them when they are available and a brief synopsis of your issue and see what they say. It might take a few tries to find one you click with, but give yourself 3 therapists to get a chance to find one. Many are reasonable and a lot of them don't require a referral from a GP.


Isnt that a better chance to take rather than being at the mercy of the HSE waiting up to a year, all the while you are suffering, seems crazy when you can just google a list of therapists in Ireland and go from there.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Ive been to a low cost counselor before, she was a student in training, it was a waste of time for me. I have an anxiety disorder and clinical depression, she wasn't trained to deal with my issues and wasn't even really listening to me. I just left sessions frustrated and feeling even more hopeless. I dont think that student counselors are suited to deal with anything more than temporary/mild anxiety or depression and sudden life events.

Registered therapists cost 50 - 100 per session, I dont have that money to pay weekly and there is every chance I wont click with the therapist.
The therapist im currently seeing is fully registered and qualified, thats not the issue. As I said the previous therapist I saw from HSE was brilliant, but she only does short term counselling, she doesnt see clients long term.

Wanderer2010

OP, some registered therapists only charge 50 per session and you could always say to him or her that you couldn't afford weekly, maybe once or twice a month you could stretch to? At least that would be better than nothing and languishing on a list for up to a year which seems madness to me.

Can you speak to your GP again and ask does he/she know anyone who has been recommended by a number of clients, someone who may be very good? Clicking with someone may just take a while just like everything else but you also might get lucky.

irishgirl19

Ask her is it possible to refer you onto a colleague, that you don't feel you have a good rapport

chicorytip

Ihatemytherapisthelp wrote:

I just really dont connect with her, I find her to be judgmental, very very patronizing and clearly comes from a privileged upbringing as she cant understand or relate to allot of my problems, particularly those relating to money. Our conversations go around in circles, we havnt talked about anything significant, this is partly due to me feeling unable to open up to her but also her questioning is off, she just comes across so patronizing. She also keeps trying to make jokes that arent funny and I have to fake laugh at them and its awkward and annoying. She tells me things that I already know and it feels like she's preaching sometimes, its a waste of my time, im getting nowhere.

Ihatemytherapisthelp wrote:

I was referred to a therapist through the hse by my doctor, I was a year on the waiting list before getting my appointment and I understand its very difficult to change therapists and can take another year to get an appointment with someone else.

Counselling should not be about the therapist telling clients what they want to hear about themselves. Quite the contrary. The client needs to be challenged in ways that may alter their behaviour and thought processes and this may be uncomfortable in the sense of facing home truths and hearing criticisms about themselves they simply do not want to hear and will not accept. You need to persist with this particular therapist, be less passive and more open in your dialogue with her and, bear in mind, if you are not fully committed to the process it will not work for you regardless of who your particular counsellor is.

Church on Tuesday

chicorytip wrote: »

Counselling should not be about the therapist telling clients what they want to hear about themselves. Quite the contrary. The client needs to be challenged in ways that may alter their behaviour and thought processes and this may be uncomfortable in the sense of facing home truths and hearing criticisms about themselves they simply do not want to hear and will not accept. You need to persist with this particular therapist, be less passive and more open in your dialogue with her and, bear in mind, if you are not fully committed to the process it will not work for you regardless of who your particular counsellor is.

I agree with all of that, but for all of the above to actually happen, you need to have some kind of rapport with your counselor to start off with and not someone who seems to be going through the motions and can't identify with the OP.

ILoveYourVibes

Counseling should not be about the patient telling the counselor she is the greatest thing since Freud all the time or telling her she is the wisest person since King Solomon.

Bounce that so and so back down the earth OP.

You both need to be honest with each other. It doesn't sound like the OP has been.

And a lot of people are overly polite in therapy sessions and not at all themselves.

They have to see you at your grouchiest and at your best.

Your relationship could be way better and more enriched after it.

And if a counselor doesn't want her patients to be honest and put up a front there is something really really wrong with her.

SaltSweatSugar

Having a rapport with your therapist is so important OP. If you feel like you really can't do that with your current one then maybe you are as well off to try and change. They are not there to be an echo chamber and tell you what you want to hear but if you feel like you really can't talk about what you need to talk about then it's not good.

I have a wonderful therapist now but she is the second one I went to. The first one, while good, just reminded me too much of my mother (one of my main reasons for going to therapy in the first place) and I felt like I couldn't fully open up to her. When I decided to stop seeing her, I was honest with her about why I wanted to change and she was completely understanding of it.

I would hope that any therapist would rather know if they are not right for someone. I would also hope that they would like to know if they are not meeting a clients needs. At the end of the day, they are there to help. But it's your mental health, and you need to look after yourself first.

Maybe have a look on the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website of the Pyschological Society of Ireland website and see who works in your area. That's how I found mine.

RhubarbCrumble

Ihatemytherapisthelp wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

Ive been to a low cost counselor before, she was a student in training, it was a waste of time for me. I have an anxiety disorder and clinical depression, she wasn't trained to deal with my issues and wasn't even really listening to me. I just left sessions frustrated and feeling even more hopeless. I dont think that student counselors are suited to deal with anything more than temporary/mild anxiety or depression and sudden life events.

Registered therapists cost 50 - 100 per session, I dont have that money to pay weekly and there is every chance I wont click with the therapist.
The therapist im currently seeing is fully registered and qualified, thats not the issue. As I said the previous therapist I saw from HSE was brilliant, but she only does short term counselling, she doesnt see clients long term.

Hi OP,

I went for counselling a couple of years ago through MyMind and the lady I saw was actually a qualified psychotherapist and not just someone in training.
I wasn't working at the time and the reduced fee was €20.

That was about two years ago so it may be slightly more now, but it might be worth having a look at their website.