Father took his own life last month - it doesn't make sense to me.

Gamer Bhoy 89

Bit of a short background of me.

I'm Scottish, and I moved to Ireland in 2004 with my mother's side of the family, my father and mother were divorced 4 years at this stage. My relationship with my father was good. Obviously I had bitterness towards him after the breakup but in the long run we had a lot of good memories together - fishing, outdoor trips and as I came into adulthood we would share a good few laughs over a pint.

Last year I visited him in Scotland as a surprise - it was horribly timed, as he was working away during two of those days, so to make up for that, he put me and my girlfriend up in a fancy hotel in Glasgow and when he came back afterwards - for the rest of that week we just spent time shopping, drinking and generally having a good time in each other's company. He introduced me to a new musician he discovered and to this day he remains one of my favourite singers - Gerry Cinnamon

My girlfriend loved my dad, despite only really knowing him a few years - he brought her in as part of his family - made her feel at home and welcome.

He was with his partner for 19 years before they got married out of the blue in March this year, and on the final week of May, I sent him a text telling him I booked flights to go over in late July for my 30th - I wanted to be around him and his family when my birthday came, because he didn't get to see me for my 16th, 18th, or 21st.

He sent me a text back saying "no bother son, I'll book my holidays for those dates you're over"

One week later my brother rang me and told me the news, I was in my girlfriend's house at the time. He was in a hotel down in England, where he was working, and his friend was the one that found him in his room.

To this day, even though I have come to terms with him being gone, (by that I mean I'm trying to get on with my routines) I still don't understand why he would do this.

His twin sister - my auntie, who suffered from depression for 20 years, couldn't make heads or tails. They say you always get an idea of their mental wellbeing by looking in their eyes, and in every photo she went through, she couldn't see anything that would have given her a hint that something was wrong -- he always seemed so happy in himself.

I try to hold back the anger I have towards him for leaving us like this, but at the same time: if you're suffering, it's not your fault. He was obviously not well, and we couldn't see it.

I'm devastated that when I go over in 4 weeks, he's not gonna be at the airport.
I'm devastated that when I visit my stepmother, he's not going to be in that house.
I'm no longer going to get random funny texts from him slagging off Rangers FC (big Celtic fans, the two of us)
No more random phone calls asking me how I am and how my mother and siblings are - how my girlfriend is.
My sister no longer has her father to walk her down the aisle when she eventually gets engaged and married.

Going to his house will be the one I reckon that'll hit me the worst. His shed, his tools, his belongings - they will all still be there, and it's going to break me.

I thank him for a lot of things;
- He got me into video games
- He bought me my first bike, my first phone
- Brought me fishing up in Loch Earn
and was, ultimately, the main reason I decided to go to my first concert this year (Gerry Cinnamon was in Dublin a few months ago).

He was only 49.

I'm sorry if I spoke too much about this, but I already said, on social media, that I would write on so many other things to make it feel like I can still talk to him in some manner. Writing here on Boards is one of those coping mechanisms for me.

If you read this, I'm grateful, and I know I have plenty of good people here on this entire forum to keep me sane - I've been on Boards for well over 10 years now and everyone here is really nice.

dazed+confused

Wow that is a really heartbreaking situation to be in. I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling so all I'll say is I'm sorry for your loss and remember that that the biggest complexity of mental illness is the complexity itself.

No two people show symptoms the same way (not even twins) so it is impossible to tell what someone is going through inside.

You mention alcohol a number of times in your post and you will probably say that he only drank socially and in moderation. However the Irish and Scottish tradition of social drinking is way more damaging than any of us care to admit (and I include myself in that).

Aglomerado

Sorry for your loss Gamer Bhoy 89. Your dad sounded like a good guy.
Wishing you the best.

SandyMac1234

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm 46 dad of one. If you don't mind I'll copy this to read again.

I've had no deaths due to suicide in my life but realise it's in our society, and people do think about it at times. To those I hope they seek out help. Thanks to the people who try to prevent it

I'm glad you have good memories of your Dad but you may never know Why?
Good luck to you and your family in the future.

Gamer Bhoy 89

dazed+confused wrote: »

Wow that is a really heartbreaking situation to be in. I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling so all I'll say is I'm sorry for your loss and remember that that the biggest complexity of mental illness is the complexity itself.

No two people show symptoms the same way (not even twins) so it is impossible to tell what someone is going through inside.

You mention alcohol a number of times in your post and you will probably say that he only drank socially and in moderation. However the Irish and Scottish tradition of social drinking is way more damaging than any of us care to admit (and I include myself in that).

I will say he never had a problem with drink. He would have a glass of wine with his partner every night - that was just their thing, as posh as it was. He was a hard-working man with his own business. I didn't mean to excess in my use of the term.

fits

So sorry GB. That's an awful thing to happen.

SirChenjin

I'm very sorry for your loss, that is very sad.

Sorry about that

So sorry for your loss op; you have just written the most articulate, moving and heartfelt tribute to your Dad, and he was a lucky man to have you as a son.

smokingman

Being a dad of three and someone who tried to take my own life, I can relate. My own marriage broke down and when I finally realised that it was over and I couldn't do anything else to try and save it, everything else important in my life became blinkered to my own mourning, my loss of my best friend, my loss of myself. I know now what I would have lost but it took nearly three weeks of multiple daily private breakdowns before I hung myself. No-one outside of my own head saw any of the signs as I kept it together when in company of others. I wish I had been more open with what i was going through. I wish I had realised I wasn't utterly alone. I look back and wish a lot of things. It's hard to see the signs when you're determined to hide them so OP, don't beat yourself up about what you could have done or what signs you might think were actually signs looking back. Just know that you were obviously a big part of his life story and celebrate every giggle you ever had with him. I'm pretty sure he would have wanted that.

Tell me how

Sorry to hear you lost your father in this way Gamer Bhoy 89.

Maybe consider counselling for a period to talk through the questions you have rather than have them going around your head. Counsellor probably won't be able to give you any answers directly as such but the conversation might allow you to deal with the questions you have in an appropriate timeframe and manner.

Be thankful for the positive memories, you wrote a lovely tribute.

Billyo66

What an absolutely beautiful tribute to a man that sounds like a very good person and a wonderful father.

It is painful to read, goodness knows how difficult to write.

I feel so sorry for you.

These are very, very early days for you.


Speaking to someone could be a source of great comfort for you.

Your father was very much loved, appreciated, and honoured by his son, which is a marvelous achievement in any man's life.

I wish you the very best.

irishfrench

Hey,

I came here as I lost my Dad in February, I know it was due to alcohol but it was sudden and unexpected, he was 54, and like your sister he will not walk me down the aisle if I get married.

I have so many unanswered questions too, while it was not suicide, he drank himself to here.

Im so sorry you are going through this awful grief too, I never understood the deep pain a loss causes.

Sorry, I couldn't go on without commenting on your post, I am happy you have such fond memories and like the poster above mentioned, he was lucky to have a son like you.

Corvo

That was incredibly hard to read.

All I can say is that he sounds like a great father, and I can already see you cherish the memories you had with him and it seems he set you up to be a great person too.

I hope you can find some peace.

Gamer Bhoy 89

I did not expect this level of support - I'm overwhelmed.

Thank you all for being so kind and lovely, this is really what I needed.

I have my girlfriend and my family, but to also have so many complete strangers show this much support is too much. You all have my gratitude.

Thank you.

Tina82

Sorry to hear your dad died by suicide Gamer Bhoy 89... he sounds like an amazing dad and you are lucky to have had such a great relationship. Try to keep the good memories to the forefront of your mind and not his final moments. You will never find the answers why so dont torment yourself looking for them. I'm sure your dad would be very proud of the man you have become. Take care x

sweetie

So sorry for your loss.

gerrybbadd

Hey bro, sorry to hear of your loss.

Don't apologise for your words, or the length of your contribution, they are a touching tribute to your dad, sounds like you had a great relationship, and he was a top man.

Feel totally free to vent on here, or indeed, if you want, shoot me a PM and let loose with it, I really don't mind (as i'm sure many here wouldn't either).

Good luck to you & your close ones.

ILoveYourVibes

He was an awesome dad op.

He must have thought you were the best son.

xx

two wheels good

That is so sad. I'm very sorry for you and all the people close to your father. I hope you can lodge those happy memories to the memory banks forever.
At a time of a similar bereavement I came across this poem by Brian Patten that meant a lot to me. Maybe at some time in the future you'll find something comforting within it. Best wishes.

So many different lengths of time. Brian Patten

How long does a man live after all?
A thousand days or only one?
One week or a few centuries?
How long does a man spend living or dying
and what do we mean when we say gone forever?

Adrift in such preoccupations, we seek clarification.
We can go to the philosophers
but they will weary of our questions.
We can go to the priests and rabbis
but they might be busy with administrations.

So, how long does a man live after all?
And how much does he live while he lives?
We fret and ask so many questions –
then when it comes to us
the answer is so simple after all.

A man lives for as long as we carry him inside us,
for as long as we carry the harvest of his dreams,
for as long as we ourselves live,
holding memories in common, a man lives.

His lover will carry his man’s scent, his touch:
his children will carry the weight of his love.
One friend will carry his arguments,
another will hum his favourite tunes,
another will still share his terrors.

And the days will pass with baffled faces,
then the weeks, then the months,
then there will be a day when no question is asked,
and the knots of grief will loosen in the stomach
and the puffed faces will calm.
And on that day he will not have ceased
but will have ceased to be separated by death.

How long does a man live after all?
A man lives so many different lengths of time.

Abba987

My Dad did the same. I hate him and love him and miss him. It was a complete shock. I'll never get over it. And I'll never trust anyone else not to do it.
I regularly pass the place where he died.
I have my own children and I can't understand how anyone could make the decision to go and leave their kids behind no matter what age.
I have posted about my teen daughter who is now suicidal (not today, were ok today). Is this just a genetic disease?

holliehobbie

My first cousin committed suicide 3 years ago. So did my ex husband's first cousin and then her father a few years later. Another first cousin of mine attempted suicide and very nearly succeeded in doing so in her mid teens years ago. A lot of Irish families are touched by suicide. But at least there is a bit more talking about it now. And more helplines etc.

SaltSweatSugar

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, suicide is devastating. Don’t worry about writing too much, if it helps you then that’s all that matters. Sometimes it helps to just write everything down and get it out of your head. No-one here is going to judge you for that. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your father, and I’m sure he loved you very much. Never doubt that.

I lost my mum to suicide nearly ten years ago, so I’ve been in your shoes. It sucks. And it’ll never make sense no matter how much you try to figure it out. You can go round in circles trying to understand but only your father knows why he did it.

Take as long as you need to grieve and mourn your loss. Suicide is complicated, and really hurts the people left behind. One thing I would recommend, from my own experience, is when you feel ready, consider attending counselling. I was advised to go after my mums death but only went to one session as it was too soon after her death and I wasn’t ready to open up about it. I finally started counselling late last year and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I had so much grief and hurt that I had pushed down deep for 9 years and hadn’t dealt with it and I hadn’t realised how much it had affected me. Only through counselling have I figured it out and the extent of the effects for want of a better word. There are counsellors out there specifically trained in suicide bereavement.

Look after yourself, and try and remember your dad the way he was and the relationship you had. Don’t let his death be what he is remembered for. He was your dad, and he loved you. Take care.