Sister's drinking tearing family apart

dickangel

Hello,

This situation is probably nothing new but anyway I'm quite lost. Our sister used to live in a foreign country and was filling us with lies about the successful life she was leading until a concerned friend got in touch that she was critically ill in hospital from alcohol abuse.

My brother went out to help her, spent thousands and took a lot of time off work and brought her home. Things were going OK, she was living with our Dad and helping out, rebuilding her life until she fell off the wagon.

Fast forward to now it's a constant cycle of lying and verbal abuse and heavy drinking. She abuses my Dad, says extremely hurtful things to him about our mother who has passed away, and is refusing any and all treatment or help. She is self destructing and doesn't want to get better. My father refuses to kick her out as be believes it will mean her death, and he's probably right.

At the moment we are all taking turns keeping and eye on her to give my dad a break, sitting through verbal abuse and belittling comments, listening to lies she spins about all of us to turn against eachother (with some success in the past). She sneaks off for drink, bar physically restraining her I'm not sure how we can stop her. She is getting the dole and blows it all on booze.

Has anyone experienced similar, is there any way out of this loop?

dartboardio

Jesus that sounds awful.

Tbh i dont know what to tell you as any alcoholic i have ever known has either gotten so sick of the way they are living emotionally or physically and ended up going to AA, or else just going down the worse road imaginable.


Has she ever touched base? As in do you know she wants to stop, does it make her depressed, her being like this?

With an addict, the only way they will ever stop is when they want to.

My mum started going to AA when she felt alcohol was affecting her negatively in any way, which you could call a positive story in targeting alcoholism..


Then again an old family friend drank and abused people until her whole family left her and she died because she hit her head in the pub drunk.

Unfortunately your sister will only go for help when she has enough.. Maybe it would take your father kicking her out to feel that she has had enough, and maybe give her a scare or kick up the arse into going to AA meetings or rehab.


Cant be easy for any of ye.

Ye need to make a plan to give her a scare into getting her life back on track, or start steering away from her. She cant dominate all of your lives forever...

dickangel

dartboardio wrote: »

Jesus that sounds awful.

Tbh i dont know what to tell you as any alcoholic i have ever known has either gotten so sick of the way they are living emotionally or physically and ended up going to AA, or else just going down the worse road imaginable.


Has she ever touched base? As in do you know she wants to stop, does it make her depressed, her being like this?

With an addict, the only way they will ever stop is when they want to.

My mum started going to AA when she felt alcohol was affecting her negatively in any way, which you could call a positive story in targeting alcoholism..


Then again an old family friend drank and abused people until her whole family left her and she died because she hit her head in the pub drunk.

Unfortunately your sister will only go for help when she has enough.. Maybe it would take your father kicking her out to feel that she has had enough, and maybe give her a scare or kick up the arse into going to AA meetings or rehab.


Cant be easy for any of ye.

Ye need to make a plan to give her a scare into getting her life back on track, or start steering away from her. She cant dominate all of your lives forever...

Thanks for that. There is resentment to our mother which seems to be the main topic whenever she's drunk. That she didn't receive as much attention or affection growing up.

Never anything I was aware of in terms of depression, though it could be possible, she had potential, she can't be happy with how things are. Shes 50 now and maybe feels it is too late. She always partied hard, was the wild one, but always told lies. There was a willingness to get better after the hospital, she was nearly gone. And she did do well but threw it all away in one night. My poor dad suggested she go visit a friend for a weekend, thinking she was ready.

But now it's a complete unwillingness to make an effort. We've had heart to hearts, tough love, pleading and ultimatums and it's clear now she resents us and our words don't hold any water any more. I would be in favour of booting her out for the sake of my dad, but I know he would worry himself to death and blame himself. The only reason we have contact is because when we visit Dad it inevitably means seeing her.

Could you tell her she either gets into a treatment programme or she's out on her own?

Sincere sympathies OP, this is a horrible and distressing problem.

SusieBlue

I have more personal experience with this than I care to admit but until she accepts she has a problem and looks for help, your pissing in the wind. She doesn't see her behaviour as problematic, probably blames you all for it, and feels her actions are justified. Until there is a change in her mindset, she won't get better.

I would advise yourself, your siblings and father attend either counselling or a support group for relatives of alcoholics. I've found it invaluable, it teaches coping skills and how to switch off when the verbal abuse starts. When to react, and when not to.
And most importantly, it'll give you the support you need yourself to get through this.

Kicking her out is the obvious answer but its easier said than done.

SozBbz

Hi OP,

Firstly, my sympathies to you and your poor family, this is an awful situation for everyone involved, including your sister.

I've no real knowledge of this situation but just wanted to leave this information with you.

Al-Anon is support for the exact situation you're going through. Please contact them and get some help.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

dickangel

SusieBlue wrote: »

Kicking her out is the obvious answer but its easier said than done.

Thanks for the rest of your message. I'll look into that.

I agree, but I don't think it will happen. My Dad is 80 and had an estranged brother who died an alcoholic while homeless on the streets of London. He didn't find out until years after, they had a falling out and didn't speak for years, but last he heard my uncle was running a business and doing OK. I think he feels guilty.
Basically he says it's better to have her there otherwise she will die. Which to be fair is probably true, last time she was left to her own devices she nearly drank herself to death. So for now it's a cycle of us heading down home and letting my dad have a break, while the resentment increases towards my sister as she won't make an effort and hates us anyway.

dickangel

SozBbz wrote: »

Hi OP,

Firstly, my sympathies to you and your poor family, this is an awful situation for everyone involved, including your sister.

I've no real knowledge of this situation but just wanted to leave this information with you.

Al-Anon is support for the exact situation you're going through. Please contact them and get some help.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

Thanks so much, I will contact them now.

SusieBlue

dickangel wrote: »

Thanks for the rest of your message. I'll look into that.

I agree, but I don't think it will happen. My Dad is 80 and had an estranged brother who died an alcoholic while homeless on the streets of London. He didn't find out until years after, they had a falling out and didn't speak for years, but last he heard my uncle was running a business and doing OK. I think he feels guilty.
Basically he says it's better to have her there otherwise she will die. Which to be fair is probably true, last time she was left to her own devices she nearly drank herself to death. So for now it's a cycle of us heading down home and letting my dad have a break, while the resentment increases towards my sister as she won't make an effort and hates us anyway.

No and I can fully understand why it won't happen too. We haven't washed our hands of our alcoholic family member either, even though we really should.
Its usually not so simple as cutting someone out, as you have said.

A lot of it is about control. She knows that when she drinks you will all have a reaction and she thrives on that, it also feeds into her victim complex because with beer goggles on, she probably assumes any innocent comment or gesture is someone trying to pick on her.
This reaffirms her attitude that everyone is against her and thus makes her more confrontational and aggressive the next time she gets drunk, because that's what happened the last time (in her head).

It will take time and it will be a work in progress but the best advice I can give to you is to try to stop reacting to her. If she says something nasty, ignore her. If she won't stop, go into a different room. Refuse to engage with her and do not lose your cool.
Do not give her the power to control your anger and your emotions. She is only looking for a fight and the only person that hurts is you/your dad/your siblings.
She certainly doesn't give a sh*t or she wouldn't be doing it, so you need to protect yourselves and ignore ignore ignore.

The next day when she is sober, let her know the things she has said and done, in a calm, non confrontational manner. Do not engage in discussion about it, but say something like "Just so you're aware, last night you said ____ about mam so I went into a different room to read my book."
Cold hard facts, no begging, pleading, or anger, just make her aware.

My relative now knows that no matter what she says or does, or how manipulative she may be, no one in the house will acknowledge her nastiness when she's drunk. You can't reason with someone whose got an addiction and who is drunk, so you're only wasting your time trying to.

She now drinks alone in a specific room ranting away to herself and pretty much leaves everyone alone for the most part.
Its a pathetic existence but she will not accept help and this is the only arrangement we can come to that allows the rest of us a semi-peaceful life without kicking her out.

Before we all used to fly off the handle at every unkind word and it did no good. She would just get nastier, then the next day she would remember it happening entirely different, with herself being the victim, because she was smashed when it happened. The end result would be her taking no responsibility and the rest of us being upset.

If you really cannot cut her out (and I can't either, so I know the struggle) you are going to have to work really hard at coping mechanisms so that you can protect yourself as best you can. Al-Anon will really help with that and its something you should really consider doing.
Good luck.

dickangel

Thanks SusieBlue for a very insightful and informative post. It's really appreciated.

Big Bag of Chips

SusieBlue wrote: »

The next day when she is sober, let her know the things she has said and done, in a calm, non confrontational manner. Do not engage in discussion about it, but say something like "Just so you're aware, last night you said ____ about mam so I went into a different room to read my book."
Cold hard facts, no begging, pleading, or anger, just make her aware.

This might not work depending on the type of person your sister is. If she's an embarrassed drunk it might work. If she has a victim complex, and it seems she has strong issues with your mother, then saying this might be only poking the bear.

Your best bet is Al-Anon, for you and your dad. Nothing you do or say will change your sister. Ever. By going to Al-Anon you will learn strategies to help yourselves live with her behaviour. You won't learn how to 'fix' her.

Sephiroth_dude

I have no real advice to give only to say you're not alone, I am in the same position except with my 40 year old brother, he's an alcoholic and a nasty one at that, can be so hurtful with his comments, he's so ignorant and selfish only thinks about himself, slamming doors during the night waking everyone up, he's so nasty to my parents, he'll turn on you in a second, it breaks my heart, I've gotten involved when he got nasty to my parents and such was the drama that came after that I just avoid him now at all costs, he did go into rehab but only after my mother went into hospital and he was told to go to rehab or leave, she had a mini stroke from all the stress and upset caused by him, I was bawling down the phone to the dispatch operator, within days of coming out he fell off the wagon and was back drinking heavily again and was trying to hide it and I confronted him about it, he didn't like that and ww3 broke out. I've come to terms that I will never have a brotherly relationship with him again, drink will always come first, I feel so much resentment towards him and hatred for what he has done to us. You can't change your sisters ways only she can, this part of your post stuck out to me

dickangel wrote: »

My father refuses to kick her out as be believes it will mean her death, and he's probably right.

My mother says the same, that if she kicked him out things would be 10 times worse as she would be always worried about him and I can understand that to degree but she's miserable and hurt because of him. Get your dad into Al anon and get yourself some counselling.

ILoveYourVibes

I am sorry OP.

I don't really have advice other than for you guys to take care of each other.

Your father being so elderly means its possibly not so long until she will be alone again.

She will either recover or drink herself to death eventually. I have seen both.

She knows you love her..the best of her loves you.

ILoveYourVibes

SusieBlue wrote: »

No and I can fully understand why it won't happen too. We haven't washed our hands of our alcoholic family member either, even though we really should.
Its usually not so simple as cutting someone out, as you have said.

A lot of it is about control. She knows that when she drinks you will all have a reaction and she thrives on that, it also feeds into her victim complex because with beer goggles on, she probably assumes any innocent comment or gesture is someone trying to pick on her.
This reaffirms her attitude that everyone is against her and thus makes her more confrontational and aggressive the next time she gets drunk, because that's what happened the last time (in her head).

It will take time and it will be a work in progress but the best advice I can give to you is to try to stop reacting to her. If she says something nasty, ignore her. If she won't stop, go into a different room. Refuse to engage with her and do not lose your cool.
Do not give her the power to control your anger and your emotions. She is only looking for a fight and the only person that hurts is you/your dad/your siblings.
She certainly doesn't give a sh*t or she wouldn't be doing it, so you need to protect yourselves and ignore ignore ignore.

The next day when she is sober, let her know the things she has said and done, in a calm, non confrontational manner. Do not engage in discussion about it, but say something like "Just so you're aware, last night you said ____ about mam so I went into a different room to read my book."
Cold hard facts, no begging, pleading, or anger, just make her aware.

My relative now knows that no matter what she says or does, or how manipulative she may be, no one in the house will acknowledge her nastiness when she's drunk. You can't reason with someone whose got an addiction and who is drunk, so you're only wasting your time trying to.

She now drinks alone in a specific room ranting away to herself and pretty much leaves everyone alone for the most part.
Its a pathetic existence but she will not accept help and this is the only arrangement we can come to that allows the rest of us a semi-peaceful life without kicking her out.

Before we all used to fly off the handle at every unkind word and it did no good. She would just get nastier, then the next day she would remember it happening entirely different, with herself being the victim, because she was smashed when it happened. The end result would be her taking no responsibility and the rest of us being upset.

If you really cannot cut her out (and I can't either, so I know the struggle) you are going to have to work really hard at coping mechanisms so that you can protect yourself as best you can. Al-Anon will really help with that and its something you should really consider doing.
Good luck.

I just want to say this struck a chord. I'm really sorry.

Esp the morning switch.

dickangel

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

This might not work depending on the type of person your sister is. If she's an embarrassed drunk it might work. If she has a victim complex, and it seems she has strong issues with your mother, then saying this might be only poking the bear.

Your best bet is Al-Anon, for you and your dad. Nothing you do or say will change your sister. Ever. By going to Al-Anon you will learn strategies to help yourselves live with her behaviour. You won't learn how to 'fix' her.

She used to be embarrassed, but it's like that has eroded completely now.

My sister was always very proud, one of the running topics when she's drunk is how she was much more intelligent than the rest of us and the first one to get a college degree etc. but I think she's built up a tolerance for shame now. She knows she hasn't got a leg to stand on anymore and seems to have come to terms with that.

I've been in touch with Al-anon, I really appreciate the help everyone.