Help leaving husband

LegacyUser

So it looks like I have no other choice but to leave the relationship I am in. I have previously posted about the problems I was having with my husband and the advice overall was that a breakup was probably inevitable.
I can't make enough progress in the rel despite colossal efforts and a lot of self-sacrifice. The issues remain, like his bad temper and laziness ... despite throwing so much positivity and help his way. We have been married for 4 years, together for 5.5.
I have money put by, about 20k. It isn't a huge amount to start afresh, but it is something. I would like to move to a cheap but safe place to live and just keep a low profile for a few years. I don't have many friends and my parents have passed away so it's not a big deal for me to move country. I just cannot figure out where I can go and use the next year to plan the rest of my life out. My husband is also prone to aggressiveness, shouting for no good reason, and I am afraid he will pursue me when I leave. He is that type, very clingy and needier than I would be.
I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Neyite

Is your work something that can transfer easily to another country in terms of job vacancies, opportunities, qualifications?

If so, why not? Work abroad for a year or so. No reason why you can't come home if you feel like it.

Depending on your age, it may be possible to get working visas in some countries such as Canada - not sure if Australia or New Zealand have similar but worth checking out - especially if you've a skill set or trade that is in demand. I think personally I might avoid the UK due to the Brexit issue but others may think that there is no risk there.

Then, anywhere in Europe might be an idea. Find somewhere cheap, sign up for a language course in the mornings and a part time job in the evenings and just enjoy the experience. (that's what I did some years ago when I needed to put someone out of sight and out of mind - it was very liberating in more ways than one) Me? I'd probably choose Italy or Spain.

Like I say, you can always come home if it doesn't work out - especially if you go somewhere in Europe, an hour or two on a Ryanair flight and you are back home.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your sound advice. Sad it has come to this but am currently preparing my belongings and I just don't know how to do it. Do I tell him in person but have the police there, or do I just do it alone regardless of this reaction? I tried to break up with him before and he shaved his hair off, ripped his t.shirt, etc. and I obviously want to avoid this.
Also would you have any ideas on how to avoid him stalking or following me? Is there anything smart and strategic I can do in advance?

ILoveYourVibes

op+again wrote: »

Thank you for your sound advice. Sad it has come to this but am currently preparing my belongings and I just don't know how to do it. Do I tell him in person but have the police there, or do I just do it alone regardless of this reaction? I tried to break up with him before and he shaved his hair off, ripped his t.shirt, etc. and I obviously want to avoid this.
Also would you have any ideas on how to avoid him stalking or following me? Is there anything smart and strategic I can do in advance?

I would not have done it that way. Say you want to go on a trip for a month or two weeks tell him a place but go somewhere else. Contact him as normal. Then at the end of that period say you have fallen in love with the place. Someone gave you the opportunity to stay longer.

Keep in contact with him now and again. Don't tell him where you are or make something up.

At the end of the month say you want to be separated for a while. But you will keep in touch.

If you drop all contact he will try and find you. If he tries to contact you reply at first. Then less and less. Keep him sweet etc.

I wouldn't do it all at once. say you are going on a trip...a long one ...

All during this time you can encourage him to go out and have fun. Remind him of the fun of being a single guy. Tell him he can date people.

Don't tell him where you are really going.

Then at some point when its time you will have to tell him its not working. And he will also see its not working and maybe at that time he will want to separate too.

By the way if you don't tell your friends to keep a distance from him when he first realizes you are staying longer away he will try and contact them.

I would let them know you are making changes in your life and ask them to remain distant.

PCX

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I would not have done it that way. Say you want to go on a trip for a month or two weeks tell him a place but go somewhere else. Contact him as normal. Then at the end of that period say you have fallen in love with the place. Someone gave you the opportunity to stay longer.

Keep in contact with him now and again. Don't tell him where you are or make something up.

At the end of the month say you want to be separated for a while. But you will keep in touch.

If you drop all contact he will try and find you. If he tries to contact you reply at first. Then less and less. Keep him sweet etc.

I wouldn't do it all at once. say you are going on a trip...a long one ...

All during this time you can encourage him to go out and have fun. Remind him of the fun of being a single guy. Tell him he can date people.

Don't tell him where you are really going.

Then at some point when its time you will have to tell him its not working. And he will also see its not working and maybe at that time he will want to separate too.

By the way if you don't tell your friends to keep a distance from him when he first realizes you are staying longer away he will try and contact them.

I would let them know you are making changes in your life and ask them to remain distant.

Sorry but I think this is not great advice. OP I'm not sure of the best way to do things but this is not it.

In most relationships it would not be normal to say you are going away by yourself for a few weeks anyway - is a clingy husband likely to say "ok no problem, just give me a call when you land in Barcelona"? The answer to that is no.

Creating a whole pack of lies and stringing him along for months and starting to ghost him in the expectation that he will have come around to your way of thinking by the time you eventually tell him what is really going on is highly unlikely. He is far more likely to realise that he is being messed around and get really confused and angry.

My advice is that if you are leaving him then tell him that you are leaving because it is not working for you and either that you want to end the marriage or that you need space away from the relationship to think.

If you are afraid of violence etc maybe do this by phone soon after leaving or by leaving a note explaining you will be in contact but need space to think for now.

Mrcaramelchoc

I don't really have any advice except to say i wish you the best of luck.its not an easy road you are taking but you sound like a strong person.i really hope it all goes well for you and for what it's worth you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Triangle

I reckon if you worried about aggression/shouting then do it in a public space like a cafe. Find a corner spot and have the discussion there.
But just lay it out, and don't ghost. There's nothing worse than ghosting imo

hairyprincess

Because you fear him I’d leave when he’s at work and then phone or have left a letter somewhere in the house for him.

Also maybe consider going to Women’s Aid and get a plan made. You need support in this. Best of luck to you.

Mongfinder General

Dump this bozo now. And get a barring order.

zapper55

The most unsafe time for a woman in a violent/ unstable relationship is the time she is preparing to leave. I would definitely have someone there when you tell him.

I missed it but do you have kids?

Another day

Best of luck. As others have suggested, be up front and honest.
Turn off location on your phone or get a new number /phone. You can always pop old sim in for messaging him.

eviltwin

Make sure your passport, birth certificate and other important documents are in a safe place. I'm assuming he doesn't have anyway of accessing your money?

SirChenjin

zapper55 wrote: »

The most unsafe time for a woman in a violent/ unstable relationship is the time she is preparing to leave. I would definitely have someone there when you tell him.

+1.

As has been mentioned, a call to Women's Aid for advice could be very useful.
Take care.

ILoveYourVibes

PCX wrote: »

Sorry but I think this is not great advice. OP I'm not sure of the best way to do things but this is not it.

In most relationships it would not be normal to say you are going away by yourself for a few weeks anyway - is a clingy husband likely to say "ok no problem, just give me a call when you land in Barcelona"? The answer to that is no.

Creating a whole pack of lies and stringing him along for months and starting to ghost him in the expectation that he will have come around to your way of thinking by the time you eventually tell him what is really going on is highly unlikely. He is far more likely to realise that he is being messed around and get really confused and angry.

My advice is that if you are leaving him then tell him that you are leaving because it is not working for you and either that you want to end the marriage or that you need space away from the relationship to think.

If you are afraid of violence etc maybe do this by phone soon after leaving or by leaving a note explaining you will be in contact but need space to think for now.

This is probably the mature big girl way to handle the situation. :P

ILoveYourVibes

zapper55 wrote: »

The most unsafe time for a woman in a violent/ unstable relationship is the time she is preparing to leave. I would definitely have someone there when you tell him.

I missed it but do you have kids?

Been there done that was the other person there as witness plus a big strong guy. It backfired. And we had informed the guards in advance.

Windows were broken. He hurt both me and her. He ended up accusing the guy that was with us of starting it.

I don't know if her husband is THAT dangerous. If so it might be best if she physically left when he isn't there. Then call him.

suicide_circus

does he have any money? if not half of that 20k might be his

PCX

suicide_circus wrote: »

does he have any money? if not half of that 20k might be his

She says she has put the money by so presumably she earned it. She is the one who is leaving and she will need some money to do this. Why should she not use the money she earned?

If they go through a divorce then the final financial arrangements will be sorted out during the process. Presumably the 20k will form part of the overall picture of joint assets each took away from the relationship and be taken into account in any final settlement.

No-one should be trapped in an unhappy relationship by money worries.

TheBoyConor

He sounds mentally ill if he ripped off his shirt and shaved his head as a response to you trying to split up with him. To hell with that crap. Who needs that drama i their life. Dump this piece of crap.

That is terrible advice above about spinning this big elaborate yarn about a long trip away and then doing a slow fade. Nuts. And it doesn't get the message across to him that ye are broke up. The slow fade is for offloading someone you are only seeing, it is not going to work for a husband.

If he is aggressive and likely to cause trouble or become violent then handiest way of getting rid is just not to do it in person. Tell him over the phone or by text if you want a record of it. And tell him you breaking up by phone/text is his fault because you know he will become aggressive and dangerous.

Secretly get together anything you need - Passport, drivers licence, birth cert and any other documents that you might need.
Sort out our money situation.
Sort out an alternative job and accommodation
Tell your most trusted friends and family the situation. Tell them that you absolutely cannot give away your new location to anyone at all without your permission and tell them this is serious because your ex is dangerous and unpredictable. Tell them to stay away from him and avoid him.
Make your move. Leave to go to the shop or whatever and simply don't come back.
Phone / text him and tell him ye are separated, broken up, yada yada.
Then block and delete him from all communication.
Make sure your facebook/snapchat linked etc are all locked down location wise and that there is nothing posted that he could ever figure out your location from.

Initiate the formal separation / divorce process.

If he makes threats of violence you may be able to get a barring/safety/protection order against him. I would say it is important to organise this since he has been dangerous and violent before. Maybe get a letter from womens aid or something.

And I'm just wondering why ye got married after only 18 months together. That was a big big mistake. What were you thinking?

suicide_circus

PCX wrote: »

She says she has put the money by so presumably she earned it. She is the one who is leaving and she will need some money to do this. Why should she not use the money she earned?

If they go through a divorce then the final financial arrangements will be sorted out during the process. Presumably the 20k will form part of the overall picture of joint assets each took away from the relationship and be taken into account in any final settlement.

No-one should be trapped in an unhappy relationship by money worries.

i never told her not to leave, clearly she needs to leave asap, just saying not to count your chickens yet as a divorce may split assets.

ElizaBennett

Would you consider a year away somewhere that your money would go a really long way e.g. far east? Maybe Cambodia or Vietnam. Have a wonderful adventure and feel good knowing you're on the other side of the world.

ILoveYourVibes

Maybe it doesn't even have to be a big long trip.

Say you are going to a friends for the night or a weekend.

The whole goal should be to keep things and him CALM.

LegacyUser

Please do not put yourself in a position where you may be subjected to violence. Leave a note and go and start a new life abroad. Be excited. Life restarts now for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the words of advice. Just to say from the outset, we don't have any kids so that sure as heck simplifies things. He also isn't a violent person so I don't feel in any danger that way. It is more his reaction that can be scary as I described before and I don't want any shouting or conflict. Also someone asked about the money, he has his own, far more than me, so this won't be an issue.
There is a lot going on for both of us these next few weeks in our jobs so I have started to phase him out. It sounds cruel but it is better than snapping it off, which he would perceive as coming from nowhere. So I am establishing my own bed to sleep in, on the grounds that he keeps me awake most nights, and I am distancing myself and preparing mentally. I have to work out where to keep my belongings, what to get rid of, etc. It is really quite a big ordeal.