How to recover from emotionally abusive relationship

LegacyUser

Longtime poster but going anon for this for obvious reasons. I have recently ended a two year relationship after uncovering so many skeletons in my oh’s closet that it puts a cemetery to shame. I was warned but I just couldn’t see the truth. Then I uncovered one lie and all the pieces started coming together. He emotionally abused me. He is a textbook covert narcissist. He is abusive and can be violent yet everyone thinks he is just the best. He gaslighted me, mocked me, belittled me, played mind games, lied about absolutely everything, cheated…. I changed so much of myself and my life for him.

I am concerned that he will try to discredit me and ruin my reputation now he knows that I have uncovered all his lies and his other lives (he has three separate lives which he tries to juggle without any of them finding out about each other). I can live with this once he does not become violent with me.

My biggest issue is, now that the anger is wearing off, how did I let myself get into that position. How do I rebuild myself? How can I learn to trust my own judgement again let alone trust another person? Where do I even start? How can I forgive myself? All the signs were there right from the beginning. Enough red flags to look like a poppy field and that “off” feeling in my gut the whole time. I saw them all but I chose to justify/excuse/ignore them all. I know that people like him are skilled at this and he has quite honestly fooled everyone except those who are closest to him – and those closest to him are too afraid to step out of line - but do I really think so little of myself that I would chose to put myself in that kind of a situation?

Dial Hard

Anon_2019 wrote:

do I really think so little of myself that I would chose to put myself in that kind of a situation?

You didn't choose to put yourself in that situation, you found yourself in it. And managed to get yourself out of it within a relatively short space of time, so really, you deserve kudos from yourself, not a hard time.

As for how you begin to deal with the aftermath - counselling. The sooner the better. And in the meantime, if you haven't told your friends and family the reality of what your relationship was like, do it now. You have nothing to be embarrassed about it and it will completely dismantle and disempower any potential character assassination he may attempt before it even gets off the ground.

Best of luck, OP. You've done an incredibly brave and difficult thing.

santana75

Anon_2019 wrote: »

My biggest issue is, now that the anger is wearing off, how did I let myself get into that position. How do I rebuild myself? How can I learn to trust my own judgement again let alone trust another person? Where do I even start? How can I forgive myself? All the signs were there right from the beginning. Enough red flags to look like a poppy field and that “off” feeling in my gut the whole time. I saw them all but I chose to justify/excuse/ignore them all. I know that people like him are skilled at this and he has quite honestly fooled everyone except those who are closest to him – and those closest to him are too afraid to step out of line - but do I really think so little of myself that I would chose to put myself in that kind of a situation?

Op people can be very deceptive and initially very charming. They can try to convince you that they are one thing but in reality are another. Don't beat yourself up about it, but do learn the lessons. I think the biggest take away here is to listen to your intuition. Don't let your head over ride your intuition. No matter how hard people try to put on an act, they will slip up and tell you who they really are. Plus their actions will scream louder than anything they say. Watch the hand not the mouth. But also but brutally honest with yourself. Sometimes the reason people ignore blatant red flags is because deep down they fear being alone.

zapper55

I was in a very unhealthy relationship a long time ago. It started with small stuff and ended up being pretty horrific. Its hard to even see it when you are convinced you are the problem. To get out of it is a huge achievement.

Time and counselling helped me over it. He badmouthed me to people but the ones who counted ignored him and the others realised what a manipulative jerk he was in time.

You've got this. The worst is over with

Goodigal

You are lucky it was only 2 years. You will just have to rebuild your confidence, and most likely you will need counselling to see a different future ahead of you. Don't look back and blame yourself. His actions were his responsibility. Unfortunately, he has treated you so poorly, you will naturally blame yourself. But look forward to each day away from him, get stronger, mentally and physically and see it as a life lesson. Best of luck to you. You are starting a new part of your life - good luck with it.

Witchie

Op, I could almost have written word for word what you did 20 years ago, only that I was married to him and by then had 2 small children.

It was tough, I won't lie. It took me a long time to get back to who I was before, and if the truth is told, I probably never did fully become who I was but I am a stronger, better person now.

Now, I am living my dream life. I live in Asia, have a wonderful boyfriend and couldn't be happier. I probably would have arrived at this point earlier in my life but I wanted to dedicate myself to raising my sons. So you don't have anything holding you back but yourself.

Please just learn from this and don't allow anyone to dim your bright light again. x

Monife

Been through a similar situation although I married him (we were together 10 years). All came to a head last November and I have to say I think I am pretty much recovered now. What helped me the most was counselling (about 5 months of it), journaling and the following books:

"Leave a cheater, gain a life" by Chump Lady,
"In sheep's clothing" by George K Simon, and
"Don't forget your crown" by Derrick Jaxn.

Also, if you have not done so already, cut all contact with him and anyone associated with him (friends/family). Block them all on social media, phone numbers etc.

And like others have said, confide in your friends and family and start revealing all the truths about him.

Wish you all the best, it's one of the hardest things to go through, but these experiences can shape and make you if you do the things you can to heal and recover. I am happier now than I ever was with him, know my core values and know that I will never let another red flag slide and am definitely a much stronger person as a result.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I read your post and had to reply. I am coming out of the other side of an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist, I know it's very hard to comprehend what went on...a few things that really helped me was researching what narcissism means, what are their traits and what motivates them to try understand how it applied to my relationship and his behaviour, it helped me. That also made me realise they are very likely to come back and try Hoover you back up as a source of supply, so it's critical that you end all contact and block them on everything, remove them from all your social media.

The next thing that helped me was realizing you can't blame yourself, they are skilled are fooling people and building up an image of themselves that is so far from reality, they fool so many people. I agree with the last poster get some counselling, you will able to talk about it with them , focus on the stuff that your upset about and that will help you realize what you have learned and that you won't let it happen again.

My final two things that have helped me are focusing on me, getting to know myself again, what are things that are important to me and what do I like doing, I kind of forgot all of that by being so caught up in the crap of my relationship and the aftermath. My final tip would be talk to your family and friends, even if you only tell one or two of them the depth of it, don't bury it, you need to process what happened and the way you were treated. It helps you to move out. The way I think of it now we were very unlucky to come across narcissists but we won't be caught again, learn your lessons from the last and move forward towards you big bright awesome future that you will build for yourself. Time does help and remembering how awesome your family and friends are.

Best of luck OP!

WIZWEB

Hi OP,

You've got great advice here from the posters above. I finally escaped 'my' covert Narcissist partner last year after four years of toxicity and drama and a month later a 'best friend' overt of over twenty years.

Over a year later unsolicited I learned of the smear campaigns both separately attempted to make about me. At this stage I am well on the road to recovery so informed the latest 'victims' (flying monkeys) of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and how the only solution is a complete cut off of communication with the Narcissist to recover. basically total No Contact. Its the only way to heal. There is never closure. Only by you. If you were a good source of supply (attention) you'll be guaranteed future hoovering by the narc when it destroys other relationships. Typical 'lovebombing, devaluation and discard', a vicious ongoing circle really unhealthy for your mental health.

You appear to have a good knowledge of narcissism so the quicker you concentrate on you the faster you will recover. Reflect and work on your personal boundaries, tolerance levels of disrespect and repairing your inner-child. Counselors can be invaluable but be careful of getting invalidated by one with no professional or personal experience of NPD as I was. There are some good Facebook groups too but be careful of getting engrossed in some of the pity parties as they will hold you back ultimately.

I recommend this book too among others that have been suggested.... Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00SA4ZTWM/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you for all your posts.

In some ways, I want to talk about it to get all the thoughts out and clear my head but, at the same time, that is only giving him head space.

It has been strangely easy so far - maybe I'm still in shock - but I've uncovered so much that I can't really process it all. There is nothing to be heartbroken about. I can't miss him because I never really knew him. It turns out the man I fell for was an illusion.

I don't want to say too much in case I identify myself but, aside from the cheating, mind games, gas lighting, lies abut everything, etc., I found out that he had a child with someone behind my back.

I didn't realise how much of myself I had lost, how much I have been on eggshells since I met him or how unsettled/uneasy I always felt around him until I walked away. It feels like a weight has been lifted off me. It's a relief to be honest.

I am a little concerned that he will start a smear campaign. I have cut him out of my life but we compete in the same niche sport and have a huge circle of mutual friends. It is inevitable that we will bump into each other. I intend to take a break from competing for a while.

Ursus Horribilis

Abusive relationships can be like the boiling frog analogy. If a frog hopped straight into a pot of boiling water, it would leap straight out again. In the other hand, if it gets into a pot of cold water that's being slowly heated up, it won't notice it's being boiled for ages... Your abusive relationship crept up on you too and it's to your credit that you got out.

You will probably lose some mutual friends through this, unfortunately. But if I were you, I wouldn't be slow to tell anyone who asks why you broke up. Get your retaliation in first, so to speak. You don't have to go into the gory details (he said /she said territory is dicey at the best of times) but if he had a child behind your back that says a lot about him.

Neyite

Anon_2019 wrote: »

OP here. Thank you for all your posts.
In some ways, I want to talk about it to get all the thoughts out and clear my head but, at the same time, that is only giving him head space.

It's not giving him head space. What I found was that counselling showed me the reasons I myself ignored the red flags or failed to spot them when they would be glaringly obvious to others. It was for me. It sorted me and my head out, he's still the sh!thead he always was but the counselling helped me detach and view it objectively. In lots of ways my life improved immeasurably and permanently thanks to counselling.

wrote:

I am a little concerned that he will start a smear campaign. I have cut him out of my life but we compete in the same niche sport and have a huge circle of mutual friends. It is inevitable that we will bump into each other. I intend to take a break from competing for a while.

Let him. My ex did that too. And some of it stung - like a colleague I really liked as a friend clearly swallowed the lies and I was sad that she did. But the vast majority had him pegged and had been more or less waiting for me to see sense. The amount of people who told me afterwards that they never really warmed to him even though to me they looked like they got on great with him - they saw a red flag or two and had an idea of what kind of person he was.

You'll do fine. Better than fine even. You got out of it relatively early, you are observant enough to have spotted his real side, and you should be proud of that. Recently I read a post elsewhere by a woman who said that her ptsd therapist said that she can pick out who her patients would be in a waiting room of people she never met before and if she could, then so could people like your ex and mine, or more serious predators. That really got me thinking that there's something - a vulnerability or insecurity they can sniff out even subconsciously. It also helps explain why often people may lurch from one abusive relationship to another even if it is a different method of abuse in each relationship. And I also believe that a lot of our relationship health can stem from what our parents or other adults in our childhood modelled for us in their relationships and sometimes they were flawed lessons ingrained in us a bit. So this is another reason for counselling for you.