Holiday Dilemma

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'm just looking for some advice on this, I know it won't seem like a massive problem or issue in some people's eyes but I'm really stuck on what to do.

So I am planning a holiday at the start of september with 3 friends from college, we all started graduated college this time last year and have been working ever since and want a break in the sun. We were thinking about Athens and then going to one of the greek islands after.

The thing is that earlier in the year I was trying to plan a holiday with 3 of my school friends and it effectively fell through. We couldn't agree on a time to go or where to go to. 2/3 of my school friends have boyfriends and they are going on separate holidays with them at some point in the summer. My other friend (lets call her Anna) is single and has no other summer holiday plans. Anna has also said in the past she would really like to go to Athens and it is on her bucket list.

In any other circumstance I would just ask my college friends if she could just come along but I would really worry that they wouldn't get along. My college friends and Anna are very different. My college friends are early risers, love doing active things on holidays like walking tours and renting bikes, swimming etc, they like a good night out but wouldn't tend to stay out past 2am and would be just as happy going out for a nice dinner having a few glasses of wine and going home for the night. Whereas Anna sees nights out that don't finish at 4-5am as a failure, is not sporty at all and likes to lie in in the morning.

I realise I'm sounding quite negative about Anna but it's more just that these are her qualities that won't match my college friends.

Basically I don't know whether I should ask my friends if she could come along as she's always wanted to go to Athens and take the risk that they'll clash a bit. Or do I not ask them as it could potentially cause issues when we are on holiday.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

rolling boh

could you all meet socially and you may well get an idea how you would get along if they are so different it would not seem a good mix for a holiday.

irelandrover

How about meeting Anna for a drink and telling her it will be a different type of holiday. Explain that ye won't be out all night and are more interested in exploring during the day.

Leave the decision up to her.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm not so sure you should invite Anna. I assume she has never met your college friends? Straight away she is going to be the outsider. You and the others have built up your own friendship and way of getting along. Your own in-jokes, your own social circle. That's hard to break into, even if they make an effort to include her. There's a possibility you will find yourself caught in the middle here too, trying to keep both sides happy. And as many a person will tell you, not all their friends get on if they're put in the same room. Sometimes it is better to keep your different groups of friends separate.

It's unfortunate that Anna has no plans for this summer but would you be even considering asking her if it wasn't Athens you were going to? I don't see what's in it for her, given the holiday you are hoping to have. I'd go as far as to say it'd be a rubbish holiday for her. Even with the best of intentions, she might come to resent you and your friends, even though she had been told what it'd be like. Walking past pubs/nightclubs during her time there, knowing you'll all be tucked up in bed when she'd love to be out partying. Maybe it's better for her not to be given the choice in the first place. She can always visit another time on her own terms.

Purple Mountain

I have a few girl friends who I can ask to go on holiday with me.
I don't have one big group of friends, I have a variety of different ones from different parts of my life.
One for example loves a good knees up, another loves shopping and meals out.
Depending on my mood, I could do either but not all the time.
I am so lucky, that I have an unwritten agreement with these girls.
If I'm not in the mood or they're not in the mood, we do our own thing.
I remember bring in Portugal one year with one of those girls and another mutual friend of ours.
I wanted to do a boat trip, my friend wanted the markets and the other girl wanted to sunbathe.. So we split up for the whole day.
I guess I'm lucky like that, I don't mind my own company.
Then we all met up that night for a nice meal and cocktails and were going back to the same hotel room.
Another holiday with 2 other girls on a city break, I just couldn't stand the drinking pace and went back to the apartment on my own while they carried on.
Maybe talk to Anna like that?
Tell her you envisage an active holiday with these girls and that she can opt in and out of things as she pleases but that you have the freedom to do your own thing too.
Unless of course, your gut is telling you that you just don't want her there.
In that case, don't ask her.
It's not fair on any of you and it'll leave an atmosphere.

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you all for your responses, I think I am leaning towards not asking the girls if they'd be ok if she came. I just don't think they'd mix very well and I would hate if it ruined the holiday.

I just feel bad for Anna and I am also slightly nervous as to how she will react when I eventually tell her I am going to Athens with my college friends. She is someone that takes things very to heart and gets hurt over the slightest thing. I'm just a bit worried that she'll resent me going with my college friends and not her, after we discussed going to Athens with my school friends but a couple of the others didn't want to go there so it fell through. It was just a disaster and I gave up in the end because it wasn't worth the stress as Anna and one of my other school friends are very stubborn and couldn't agree on anything.

antix80

Athens sounds great but it sounds like a bizarre coincidence that holiday that fell through with you and your school friends is now happening with you and your college friends. Would it be right to say that your'e sort-of organising it and sort-of suggested Athens and sort-of don't really want Anna to go?

I take it you haven't travelled with friends before.
1. These plans often fall through without a good organiser: some one who get "buy in" with a core group, get deposits early, and be shrewd enough to say "no, I can't wait for your exam results, or to plan things around your work, or to see if you dad gets better." You can't suit everyone, but at least by being active in organising it you can at least suit yourself.
2. On holidays, the people you think you'll get on with can be the biggest nightmare, the people you're worried about can be the best craic.

As for the Anna situation. She's not in that circle and it's absolutely fine to leave her out. That being said, if your friends are open to it there is nothing stopping you from telling her the plans and inviting her along - once she's aware that she's not an organiser and won't have input "Anna, we're ready to book, can you give me your €300 deposit by Friday?"
I'd guess she'll hit it off with at least one other person in your party. Sounds to me like you're afraid Anna could influence the holiday and make it into something you're not looking for.

Graces7

Forgive an older person please but does going on holiday together mean that you are well, kind of joined at the hip?

I can remember holidays with a close friend when we simply went different ways for a day as our interests differed?

Anna wants to see Athens where you are going. Can this not be worked out as others have outlined?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I think if I'd said to a good friend that I'd love to go to a certain place and then later found out they'd gone on a group holiday there and said NOTHING to me about it, I'd be hurt and I'm not a particularly sensitive person, which you say Anna is.

I think you should talk to her but clearly lay out what kind of holiday it's going to be, and that things like dates and flights are fairly well organised by now and won't be changing to suit her.

Do you like holidays focused on big nights out and going mad? If so maybe float the idea of the two of ye taking a girls' trip later in the year since the other two are occupied with boyfriends?

A holiday with three people she doesn't know, who won't be partying like she wants to, will be getting up early etc, surely that won't sound appealing to her?

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should tell Anna sooner rather than later. If she is under the impression that you might be still taking a holiday with her, delaying it will make it seem like you're hiding something from her. It'd give her the option of making her own plans too.

kunst nugget

You sound a bit snobby about your mate Anna and you don't really sound like friends at all. It sounds less you're worried that they won't all get on and more like you're worried she might embarrass you.

If you don't want her there, have the courage to say it to her face and don't let her find out from other people.

zapper55

The kind of holiday you describe would be my idea of hell 20 years ago and its perfection now.

If she hears about the Athens holiday or sees it on social media I could understand her being pissed off.

Br honest with her. Say you fancy an outdoors, early morning's not much drinking kinda holiday and you are going to Athens for one. If it was me I'd say I'm not sure it's your thing, why dont we do something later in the year.

zoobizoo

Tell Anna that your college friends have decided to organise a holiday and that you're going too because the original holiday fell through.

Explain to her that they're not party people and it's going to be a cultural, exercise filled trip with early rises, tours of ancient sites and quiet drinks in the evenings.....

Then it's up to her to say yay or nay.

Not telling her and her finding out, which presumably she will, would be a ****ty thing to do to a pal.

bertsmom

They are two different groups of friends I doubt their would be any expectation at all on Annas part to go on the holiday.
My best friend went on a holiday to France with a friend she knows from her kids school andit was to small town I adore, never would I have thought that I should be asked just because I have a love for that region.
Im sure as an adult she can appreciate that there are different types of holidays for different groups of friends and different dynamics work and sometimes don't work.
I'd mention it to her incase she was thinking ye could make plans together but I wouldn't invite her as she isn't part of that particular friendship group so it would be strange for her listening to all the chat of yere friendship group and not having been part of it you'd be wrecked trying to keep it all smooth sailing for everyone.
I wouldn't feel bad either op, that's life shes not excluded because shes not part of the group anyway. Go and enjoy your holidays

LegacyUser

Soph12 wrote: »

I just feel bad for Anna and I am also slightly nervous as to how she will react when I eventually tell her I am going to Athens with my college friends. She is someone that takes things very to heart and gets hurt over the slightest thing.

Anna is grown up and well able to organise her own trip to Athens if she wants to go. Why is it up to you to organise a holiday for her. If your other school friends are in relationships and you are going with college friends then maybe this is the wake up call for Anna to go on her own and stop waiting for other people. That's what I did as it proved impossible to get everyone on the same page.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks again for all of your advice.

Just to clear a few things up... I have been on plenty of different holidays with various people. Sometimes I have been the core organiser, sometimes I have not. The trip with Anna and my school friends fell through not because there was no core organiser it was because no one could agree on anything ie destination or the time to go.

And it was a pure coincidence that I’m going to Athens with my college friends. I had accepted that I might not go away this year and then one of my college friends suggested a holiday to Greece.

Also, I’m not sure if my posts came off this way but I am not snobby towards Anna in the slightest, she has been a good friend of mine for over 10 years. And I don’t think that she’d ‘embarrass’ me in the slightest. I was just conflicted about leaving her out of a holiday vs inviting her on one that she probably wouldn’t enjoy.

I think I’ve decided I will ask her, she probably won’t want to go when I tell her our plans but she might want to and do her own thing if we want to rent bikes or something. The last thing I would want to do is seem like I’m going behind her back and planning a holiday to her dream destination without her.

woodchuck

I think I’ve decided I will ask her, she probably won’t want to go when I tell her our plans but she might want to and do her own thing if we want to rent bikes or something. The last thing I would want to do is seem like I’m going behind her back and planning a holiday to her dream destination without her.

OP I think this is a good idea to ask her and to clearly outline what type of holiday it's going to be. However before you do that, it might be worth mentioning to the friends you're going away with first! On the off chance that Anna does want to come, I'm sure you college friends would appreciate knowing that it's a possibilty before you extend the invitation.

Ursus Horribilis

Going by the reactions so far, I think only one person feels you were being snobby about Anna. For what it's worth, I don't think you have been either. You simply outlined to us what she's like as a person and the sort of holiday she likes to have.

I agree with the advice to run it by your friends first. They probably won't want her coming along (if they're being honest with themselves) but it's better to forewarn them.

i think you're allowed go to athens without anna

youve organised a trip with other people and its a bit much to ask them at this stage about anyone else

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

OP I think this is a good idea to ask her and to clearly outline what type of holiday it's going to be. However before you do that, it might be worth mentioning to the friends you're going away with first! On the off chance that Anna does want to come, I'm sure you college friends would appreciate knowing that it's a possibilty before you extend the invitation.

Oh of course I asked them first!!

By the way, I asked them, they said of course invite her, I invited her and outlined the holiday and she said may not be able to take leave in work that week, but she very much appreciated being asked. So overall I'm glad I asked her and thank you all for your advice

Graces7

Soph12 wrote: »

Oh of course I asked them first!!

By the way, I asked them, they said of course invite her, I invited her and outlined the holiday and she said may not be able to take leave in work that week, but she very much appreciated being asked. So overall I'm glad I asked her and thank you all for your advice

Perfect!