Boyfriend’s brutal honesty is tearing us apart

ratatouille99

We’re heading into second year of the same college and have been together almost 9 months. Things have been practically perfect from the get-go, entirely different from our other short-lived school flings. We’ve never even had a proper fight. We’re best friends, we talk hypothetically about traveling, marriage, kids etc. in a few years time, mostly him. We are very young, but we think we love each other.

My boyfriend is prone to overthinking and anxiety. He has it in his head that he needs to tell me quite literally EVERY bad thing he’s ever done. This started about a month ago and it’s becoming so so draining. He feels as though he’s “living a lie” if I don’t know about some mean thing he did at school or weird porn he watched as a 13 year old? Some of its gross and puts me off him a little, but he hasn’t done anything that bad. He worries I’ll find some of these things out further down the line and I’ll freak so he may as well say it now?? He cries over guilt telling me stuff.

I keep telling him to stop, but he won’t because he wants to clear his conscience. I feel bombarded with old baggage. He’s taken to sharing all his doubts about me, and while most of it is normal, and maybe I’ve felt the same, it still really hurts to hear. He’s said that sometimes he doubts if he loves me or if I love him, that he finds our friend’s girlfriend prettier than me, that he once thought he missed being single, might have loved a girl he was with for 2 months more at the time than he does me? The worst of these is that he said he doubted or thinks he doubted, that he’s still attracted to me and wanted to see me dolled up again, as we haven’t gone out in nearly 2 months, almost to make sure he still finds me attractive? He took this back almost instantly but I’m really hurt. I’ve actually lost weight since we started dating and I still wear makeup most days, and cute skirts around him so that really hurts, and other lads still hit on me all the time when we’re not together?

What should I do? I’m not his mammy or his therapist. I’m the last person that needs to hear the stuff about his feelings. He honestly seems like a bit of a mess, his mam is worried about him and has even said so to me. I’m fairly sure he still loves me as I’ve said he should just dump me if his doubts are that real, but he ends up crying and reassuring me it’s just his anxiety and that he could never leave me etc

MastiffMrs

He sounds a bit unstable and like he needs professional help. Like you said, you're not his mammy and it's not up to you to fix him. I think it's good of you to have stuck with him this long, as I'm not sure too many college students would be as patient.
If I were you, I'd tell him that you would like him to get professional help and maybe see if he improves? Obviously it depends how long you're willing to wait. But you'd be doing him a favour by encouraging him to seek help.
The fact that his mum even spoke to you about it, it's not something that is just going to fix itself.
You seem to be sensible enough to know that what he is saying to you is not reasonable. Explain to him that it's not acceptable in a relationship and if he's serious about staying with you, then he needs to work on his issues. You're too young to be dealing with that kind of thing.

leggo

That’s called unloading and it’s not okay. What’s going to happen eventually is you’re just going to get empathy fatigue and stop giving a ****. I suffer from anxiety too and, at one stage in one relationship, thought it was the right thing to do to just tell my ex about all the thoughts going through my head. All that did was take the pressure off me and put it on her shoulders. It’s not fair and not the right way to deal with anxiety.

Make this clear and don’t feel bad, draw a line and tell him that if he doesn’t respect that line, he runs the risk of losing you. What he has to do is develop his own coping mechanisms to deal with anxiety, counselling and the likes of Headspace are great for this. He’s pushing you away, and eventually he’s going to be successful in doing so (maybe soon), and then his anxiety is going to absolutely go off a cliff. It’s time to get this dealt with. And if you make this clear and he refuses? That’s a decision he’s making, not caused by his anxiety, and you’re then free to make whatever decision you’d like to make as a result guilt-free.

B0jangles

This is why people have therapists - because the therapist cannot be hurt by the unloading, can't be overwhelmed by it, can't take any of it personally. He has no business throwing everything that goes through his head at you and expecting you to just absorb it like a sponge.

He needs to learn to cope with his anxiety in a way which doesn't involve making you bear the whole burden of it.

osarusan

Explain to him that him telling you this stuff doesn't help you or your relationship, and that if he really needs to talk to somebody, it should be a therapist. Would he agree that this is something that has only come about in the last month or so?

Is he plagued by such uncertainty and anxiety in other areas of his life also?

LegacyUser

Walk. He's got a whole subscription of issues and he will destroy your confidence with his "honesty".

You're young, the two of you have only been going out a short while, you really don't owe him anything, but you owe yourself a lot.

The way he is behaving with you is not the same as being there for each other through good and bad times. He's made you his therapist and when that happens I really think it dooms a relationship as it completely unbalances it.

And the crack about finding the other girl prettier than you! FFS! That's a sh*tty thing to say to your girlfriend.

Look, with age and experience, your tolerance for this type of sh*te is going to nose-dive pretty quickly (it sounds like it already has, to be honest), which is a good thing! You do not exist on this earth to "fix" your partner or anyone else.

Supporting each other is fine, being an emotional crutch or punching bag is not.

wiggle16

ratatouille99 wrote: »

What should I do? I’m not his mammy or his therapist. I’m the last person that needs to hear the stuff about his feelings.

You need to tell him exactly this. He needs to realise that you have feelings too and that his behaviour is very unhealthy and distressing. And the stuff about finding other girls prettier than you... but then that he loves you and would never leave you? He doesn't sound stable at all. That's unbearable.

He sounds very unstable as well as suffering from anxiety. Whatever it is, it's not just anxiety.

It's not your problem he needs to constantly clear his conscience. It's not normal and he cannot use you as a cloth to wipe his conscience clean whenever he feels the need to.

He needs to get professional help, anything else is not going to help him. And I don't mean to be jumping the gun but OP you are too young for this carry on. Too many people spend their best years nursing a partner's issues (I did for much of my 20s) and it's draining. They have to learn to help themselves.

He needs professional help. I think you also need to consider if this is something you are willing to live with in a relationship at all. I wouldn't, OP, not again. You're too young for this carry on.

ratatouille99

I agree with most of what has been said here.

Thing is, I’m just not ready to let go yet. I love him and there’s still hope. I know it sounds like breaking up is the right thing to do and he sounds pretty horrible, but honestly he’s not. He’s treated me like a princess until the last 4 weeks or so- making the effort to see me everyday in college, meeting me once a week at least despite living an hour away, calling me everyday if we don’t meet, paying for me most of the time, not pressuring me into sex like most college lads would and proudly holding my hand and saying he loves me in front of the lads. I only came home from a month long trip to Canada a few days ago, and he surprised me with gifts the day I came home.

I have just said I’m not his mammy or therapist and I will leave if this doesn’t stop. He does feel terrible and has admitted he’s being horrible to me and hopes he hasn’t damaged the relationship beyond repair. I’ve decided I’m going to give it another month or so, as I want to make sure the situation is totally hopeless before I make a rash decision. If he just needs to read up on anxiety or see a professional, so he can learn to cope and go back to being my great boyfriend, I will be perfectly content.

Thank you all so much for your help.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Has there been some change in his external circumstances that coincided with this change? Family trouble, money, anything?

A sudden dramatic change in behaviour like that is concerning, you sound very copped on but as his girlfriend and as someone who's also very young you're probably not equipped to deal with this alone, nor is it something you should feel obliged to do. I'd start sussing out what mental health supports are available to him, there should still be a counselling service running through the summer in your college if you're close to it.

How is his drinking and to your knowledge does he smoke weed or take any drugs, particularly MDMA. I'm very far from a puritan on that front but they can act as massive accelerants for anxiety and other mental health issues and this is right around the time in his life that these things often first manifest.

It's possible that he just needs some help to come up with better coping mechanisms for his anxiety too. Either way his next step really needs to be to talk to someone about this who a) isn't you and b) is a GP or counsellor.

facehugger99

ratatouille99 wrote: »

My boyfriend is prone to overthinking and anxiety.

He's prone to being a dick more like.

I couldn't be dealing with the crap you outline - you're young and in college, don't waste you time on a loser or you'll regret it later.

Ursus Horribilis

It's good that you're setting a deadline here because this can't go on indefinitely. What you're being put through is above and beyond what's reasonable. It's way too intense. Hopefully your boyfriend will be sensible about this and go get the help he needs. If not, you should think strongly about walking away. You're still very young and should be having fun, not dealing with the sort of intense ****. Sometimes the demons that otherwise lovely people have ruin their lives and their relationships. Be careful not to get sucked in.

ratatouille99

Thank you all so much.

I am in total agreement that I’m too young for this nonsense and it is selfish of him. I stand by what I said that I’m giving it a month before I go. He must have realized how hurt I was as I said I didn’t feel like talking yesterday evening and I ignored any attempts at communication because I needed a bit of space. He phoned for almost an hour today apologizing for being an ass and how its really hard but he feels he can kick this, as he either continues to feel bad all the time and loses his girlfriend or he gets back to normal and he makes up for his behaviour.

I should add, he is under a bit of external stress. He just about passed his exams this year and needs to decide what subject to drop and he keeps double guessing. He isn’t getting as many hours at work and is worried about money. When I first met him he had taken a year out and had made close to 10 grand, which is a crazy amount for a 19 year old to have. Now he is expected to pay for his college fees and accommodation and feels awful that his parents are likely going to pay for a lot of it. Between spending too much in college and (he says he hasn’t but he definitely has) on me, paying for car insurance and going on holidays and a music festival, not being eligible for a grant as his dad is self employed, he is short right now and I know it stresses him.

leggo

OP you seem to have your head screwed on about this so just one final note:

ratatouille99 wrote: »

He’s treated me like a princess until the last 4 weeks or so- making the effort to see me everyday in college, meeting me once a week at least despite living an hour away, calling me everyday if we don’t meet, paying for me most of the time, not pressuring me into sex like most college lads would and proudly holding my hand and saying he loves me in front of the lads. I only came home from a month long trip to Canada a few days ago, and he surprised me with gifts the day I came home.

Everything you’ve outlined there is pretty standard for a decent partner. Some might even say the level of contact is a bit intense if anything, but that’s a compatibility thing and if it works for you then fine. Still, stuff like not pressuring you into sex: you shouldn’t give someone extra points for that, it should be expected, and if anyone does pressure you into stuff you’re not comfortable with they should be gone immediately. All I’m saying is that you seem to be listing off his good points as remarkable when, really, they’re just standard and his bad points seem quite a lot to deal with. Granted, when you have a click and are best friends and all it takes work to make a relationship work and it’s worth it, yes. But also have high expectations for yourself and realise you can get this kind of stuff from someone else if need be, and you don’t need to settle. If you settle for less, you’ll get it every single time.

ratatouille99

I guess to an extent, between my own crappy past experiences and listening to my friends, good boyfriends seem few and far between. I listen to single friends and think about how much better he is (until now). Finding someone you are attracted to, click with and who treats you well seems like no easy feat. Maybe it’s because I’m only 20 and most people don’t end up with who they’re with at that age anyway.

Seeing as he’s always made me happy, cared for me and done what a boyfriend is meant to do, until these last few weeks, I think it would be silly to throw it away unless he shows me he is unwilling to change before this deadline I’ve set for myself. You are right, I’m not allowing myself to settle for this behaviour, I can find someone better if this continues.

Thank you for your advice because it is true.

On an unrelated note, I will add that I feel like he has unrealistic expectations of love. He nearly has this “Disney-like idea” of what a relationship is. He seems to think he needs to feel as excited as he did at the start all of the time, that he should want to see me 24/7, that I should be the prettiest girl in his eyes and that any doubts, no matter how small, are a sign that it’s wrong.

SirChenjin

ratatouille99 wrote: »

I guess to an extent, between my own crappy past experiences and listening to my friends, good boyfriends seem few and far between. I listen to single friends and think about how much better he is (until now).

On an unrelated note, I will add that I feel like he has unrealistic expectations of love. He nearly has this “Disney-like idea” of what a relationship is. He seems to think he needs to feel as excited as he did at the start all of the time, that he should want to see me 24/7, that I should be the prettiest girl in his eyes and that any doubts, no matter how small, are a sign that it’s wrong.

As previous posters have pointed out therapists are trained and paid to listen to this type of thing and to help their clients to work on their behaviours/ thoughts/ whatever.

The line I bolded in your post stood out for me. I think you probably need to examine that statement about 'listening to single friends and think about how much better he is' ...

I would think being single is far preferable tbh, at twenty years of age, (or any age) with lots of exciting life adventures ahead than being used as someone's emotional punchbag.

Yes, he needs professional help and if he doesn't seek that out, my advice is walk away. I would also suggest examining some of your own thought processes about why this is a good relationship.

All the best and take care.

HamSarris

Unfortunately you’re probably right that there mightn’t be better options for a relationship in the short-term. The majority of normal guys at that age will be into casual and the guys searching for a serious relationship can often be either too paranoid/controlling or too clingy.

But you won’t be able to put up with your boyfriend in the long term. I think what your boyfriend is displaying is a type of compulsive reassurance seeking driven by anxiety. Specifically, every time he gets anxious about something, he has to tell someone. His anxiety temporarily goes back down when he gets reassurance but give it an hour or two it’s back up again and he needs to disclose more. It’s like the child before their first day of school asking their mammy 100 questions.

The key to reduce reassurance seeking is to not provide reassurance. The simplest way is to just ignore it or redirect onto another topic. Reassurance seeking is addictive so if you don’t provide him with reassurance and let him stew in his own anxiety, he won’t keep doing it. However, he will probably keep it up with his mammy who will fall into the trap.

With these types of personalities there’s unlikely to be anything seriously wrong mental health wise but they tend to drive other people around them to the mad house. It’s possible he may grow into an adult and live with his emotions but it’s possible his personality may be chronic. If it's the latter, being single will offer a much higher quality of life.

Ursus Horribilis

^^ Compulsive is the word I was looking for. There's something about the way your boyfriend behaves that's sending my "Uh oh" senses into overdrive. What you're reading as romantic and attentive, I'm seeing as over the top and needy. I doubt there are many 20 year old lads (or indeed, fellas of any age) who tell their girlfriends they love them in front of their friends. Do you not feel a bit stifled by him?

tara73

HamSarris wrote: »

The majority of normal guys at that age will be into casual and the guys searching for a serious relationship can often be either too paranoid/controlling or too clingy.

this is purely painting it black and white and not true.

OP, don't let yourself be dragged down and being hopeless by your experience with this young man (and the stories of the single friends), and don't accept strange, unacceptable behaviour as 'the norm'.

I'm pretty sure there are loads of decent guys out there in your age group, sometimes we're just unlucky.

ratatouille99

Hi all!

This will probably be my last post on this. I have good news. My boyfriend and I met for an hour today and had a serious final talk on the issue. His mam talked some sense into him, said he realizes now how silly he is being and that he’s being far too serious too soon.

I won’t deny that I am of a somewhat clingy disposition too so this kind of relationship probably suits me, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get grating or claustrophobic from time to time. He admitted that he felt the same way sometimes but was scared of hurting my feelings, though clearly I need my independence a bit more.

He’s admitted he was being ridiculous by looking for flaws or problems we could have in the future, because he’s happy now and it’s stupid to worry about stuff that could happen in 3 years or if “I’m the one” etc. At the end of the day, we’re 20, it hasn’t even been a year and we have no idea what the future holds or how we’ll change as we get older.

I am delighted. He has agreed not to speak hypothetically about things more than a year or so into the future. He knows how close he came to losing me and knows that I won’t humour it anymore. Essentially, we’ve decided to take it a bit easier. All that really matters at our age is if we make each other happy. If we’re meant to be, we’ll be, but we can’t be sure of that at this age and especially this early on.

woodchuck

OP that's a positive step, but I'm afraid the proof of the pudding is in the eating. While it's good to be cautiously optimistic, I wouldn't assume he's going to change overnight just because his mam told him to cop on. Those types of insecurities don't just vanish...

Give it some time and see if things improve, but if he slips back into his "old" ways, I think it's time to walk. You're far too young to be dealing with this type of relationship drama!

ratatouille99

Thanks woodchuck, couldn’t agree more with the last part of your answer. I’m all to aware that everyone has a certain amount of baggage and no relationship is perfect. The question is, is he definitely willing to or able to get over his issues for me?

I guess I’ll know the answer within a month or so, which is about as long as I’m willing to try.

Floppybits

Jaysus all this relationship drama and your only 20. It shouldn't be like this, you both should be carefree, enjoying life and learning. Give it the month but if it doesn't change then break up.

You are only young once, I can't believe that you have friends who are going on about how hard it is to find a decent boyfriend or girlfriend at that age. Why? This is the time of your life to work out what you want, what you like and don't lime, kiss a few a frogs and princes/princesses and then when you are old and withered like me look back on that time with a smile on your face and laugh.