What’s wrong with me??

Cali1978

Hi there. Once again I’m confused. Long time single and on the apps etc. I’ve met a nice guy for three dates but cannot decide if I want to continue or not. I’m 40 and it can be so hard to meet quality men. He’s a nice guy and has treated me better than most online. I thought I was attracted to him at first but now I don’t think I am. He’s a bit rough around the edges I think and maybe I’m looking for someone a bit more city/hipster. But he seems a very good guy and I have a tendency to be avoidant so I’m worried I’m self sabotaging again. Why can’t I trust my gut? Or does my gut even know?

Aufbau

Cali1978 wrote: »

Hi there. Once again I’m confused. Long time single and on the apps etc. I’ve met a nice guy for three dates but cannot decide if I want to continue or not. I’m 40 and it can be so hard to meet quality men. He’s a nice guy and has treated me better than most online. I thought I was attracted to him at first but now I don’t think I am. He’s a bit rough around the edges I think and maybe I’m looking for someone a bit more city/hipster. But he seems a very good guy and I have a tendency to be avoidant so I’m worried I’m self sabotaging again. Why can’t I trust my gut? Or does my gut even know?

Relax. You don't have to decide now. He's a nice guy and a good guy and it seems you like him a bit.Try a few more dates and enjoy them, and when you know him a bit better you'll know if you like having him in your life

Dial Hard

Cali1978 wrote: »

I thought I was attracted to him at first but now I don’t think I am.

There's a very simple way to figure out whether you're attracted to someone - can you see yourself shagging him? It sounds crude but it works. I was in a similar situation a few years back with someone I'd been on a few dates with and when I asked myself that question I went "Ew, no."

Emme

OP give him a chance. Go on a few more dates and see how it goes. It's early days so if you like him go with the flow and enjoy the dates.

There's a saying that a diamond in the rough is better than a polished coal and I would agree with that. At 40 you should be dating "outside the box" and not letting small differences get in the way. A decent man who is a little rougher round the edges is better than a cool hipster who is immature and doesn't treat you well.

Ursus Horribilis

When you find yourself trying to talk yourself into going out with someone, you're in trouble. While I agree that by the time you get to 40 it's harder to meet available men, it doesn't mean you should settle. You don't have anything to lose by going out with him again but I think Dial Hard's "shagging" test is a good one. That or how would you feel about introducing him to your family and friends? Would you be proud to have him on your arm or is there a "but"?

Cali1978

You’ve got it in one Urris Horribilus!! The shagging test is good and the feeling proud thing is definitely something I’ve thought about. I feel it is so hard to meet someone decent at my age, but I’m not putting myself under pressure. I still think it can happen. We had provisional plans to meet up this week but we haven’t been in touch the last date. I feel like I’m ghosting which I don’t want to do but is leaving things the way they are the best way to manage it now? I’ve seen him the dating site quite a bit..

Idle Passerby

Your gut is saying you don't fancy him. I know it's tough finding someone theres mutual click with, Ive been there. You could try to ignore the fact you aren't attracted to him, or convince yourself it's not important, or tough it out in the hope that attraction grows and who knows, it may. My litmus test would be do you look forward to spending time with him? In my experience, the guys that were nice but not quite ticking the boxes became dull company very quickly.

Xterminator

3 dates seems short. You dont have to make serious commitment yet, but do your think you have explored this relationship as far as you want to?

if you believe is there is no spark and its a dead end, go with your gut.

But if you are just unsure, why not explore a little further? Nothing to be lost by going on another few dates and deciding then.

Ursus Horribilis

If you're not feeling it, then the most courteous thing would be to send a text and end it. It has only been 3 dates so I wouldn't read too much into him still being on that dating site. You say he treated you well so not ghosting him is only fair.

Emme

Cali1978 wrote: »

You’ve got it in one Urris Horribilus!! The shagging test is good and the feeling proud thing is definitely something I’ve thought about. I feel it is so hard to meet someone decent at my age, but I’m not putting myself under pressure. I still think it can happen. We had provisional plans to meet up this week but we haven’t been in touch the last date. I feel like I’m ghosting which I don’t want to do but is leaving things the way they are the best way to manage it now? I’ve seen him the dating site quite a bit..

He's keeping his options open so. I know I advised you to give him a chance but keep your own options open at the same time.

You're not ghosting any more than he is unless it was specifically up to you to contact him. Who usually initiates contact?

There's no point in stressing during the early days of dating someone, particularly if you haven't had the talk where you become exclusive and agree not to date other people. It seems like he is dating other people and you should be too. At the same time it's still a good idea to give men a chance if you like them even if they don't fit your usual mould. It's harder to meet men at 40 so you have to cast your net wider. This includes not dating one guy exclusively if you haven't both agreed to do so.

Cali1978

I sent him a nice text today to end things but he hasn’t replied and deleted me off the app. I feel bad as I don’t want to have hurt him. But it’s better in the long run. ☹️ Thanks everyone.

Emme

Cali1978 wrote: »

I sent him a nice text today to end things but he hasn’t replied and deleted me off the app. I feel bad as I don’t want to have hurt him. But it’s better in the long run. ☹️ Thanks everyone.

I don't think you have hurt him. He seemed to be keeping his options open anyway so once you let him know you definitely weren't interested he moved on to his other hopefuls.

Onwards and upwards for you.

Idle Passerby

You haven't hurt him. If anything his reaction shows how disinterested he was.