A strange and specific problem

LegacyUser

Going anon for this.

I’m female, been with my partner nearly 8 years now. Own a house together, no kids

We are very very happy together. He is wonderful. We have had our fair share of ups and downs but have always emerged stronger as a result. I’m excited for the future and optimistic.

We argue occasionally over small things, like all couples do. We are both very intense people, very sensitive and so even the smallest arguments can effect us both a lot. Over the past year and a half or so,(and this is the reason why I’m posting), I have literally developed an inability to sleep any evening we fight.

It doesn’t matter how small the argument was, or if it was resolved before bedtime. It’s just become a fact that if we argue, I don’t sleep. I sweat, have heart palpitations, become absolutely furious at whatever fight we had, get symptoms of anxiety and panic.

This inevitably results in a disaster of a following day , with exhaustion, headaches, no work being done, no enjoyment out of anything. I usually sleep very soundly and don’t overly struggle with anxiety that much in general.

It’s become such a big issue that I have developed an irrational fear of even the smallest argument or disagreement now because I know what’s going to happen that night when I try and sleep. Even if I go to bed somewhat calm, not thinking of the argument, I simply don’t sleep that night.

We have had a stressful time recently due to some family and work issues with him and so he arguments have increased a bit. A sleepless night like what I’ve just described knocks me out for days. I’ve tried meditation and herbal tea etc and they help a bit but unfortunately not much.



I know it’s a weird problem so would be grateful for any insight.

strandroad

Is it just arguments that you react to or any other upsetting events? Such as missing a train, friends bailing on you etc?
It might be some sort of purely physical issue, such as creeping hypertension. Do you take any medication at all? I'd go and have a talk with your GP.

lawred2

Reads like you both argue a lot. Personally I'd be more concerned about that. The not sleeping could be a subconscious reaction to the discord. A symptom.

LegacyUser

strandroad wrote: »

Is it just arguments that you react to or any other upsetting events? Such as missing a train, friends bailing on you etc?
It might be some sort of purely physical issue, such as creeping hypertension. Do you take any medication at all? I'd go and have a talk with your GP.

This is literally the only scenario where I react like this. I do have borderline hypertension however (genetic)

Redser87

lawred2 wrote: »

Reads like you both argue a lot. Personally I'd be more concerned about that. The not sleeping could be a subconscious reaction to the discord. A symptom.

I agree totally. Our bodies have a way of telling us that something is not right. The not sleeping could be your body's way of protecting you, stopping you from being in a vulnerable position. I tend not to go with the "end it immediately" view, as a lot of care and emotional energy goes into relationships. However, it could be worth calmly exploring your communication styles and see what triggers the arguments. There are loads of online guides to various communication styles and how they interact if you don't want to go down the counsellor route.

ElizaBennett

What immediately occurred to me is that CBT could really help you as this is such a specific problem that sounds like a 'learned behaviour' that has crept up on you and occurs in only this one scenario. A good practitioner could really help you. BUT, as others have said, is the problem much deeper? Are you arguing quite a bit more than is normal. Every couple is different but you react very badly to arguing whereas some others would be water off a ducks back about it. I think you might really need to explore some sort of counselling as a couple also. To my mind, minor arguments / robust discussions every couple of weeks would be ok but serious ones should be very rare.

Neyite

What was the arguments between your parent's like?


Not trying to be an armchair psychiatrist or anything but when I began to realised that I had a disproportionate response to conflict I realised that much of it had it's roots in what I saw as a child, and the anxiety I felt as an adult during a fight was very similar to the anxiety I would feel when as a kid my parents fought. We learn so much from our parents unconsciously so if you had an overly dramatic or hysterical parent for whom every small fight was a major catastrophe then it may be that you learned to associate that feeling of anxiety with relationship rows.


If it's not that then it could be that you yourself are catastrophising over minor things and work on that. I found that once I understood why my reactions to situations were happening, I was able to moderate and control them and even get rid of that feeling before it took hold. Now some years later the new learned responses I have to conflict are now my normal default and it's much better.