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A Big Mess

  • 25-06-2019 11:23am
    #1


    Hi guys,

    Looking for honest opinions and advice. Apologies for the essay.

    In a relationship with a guy for almost 13 years. Everything seemed fine and then an awful chain of events started in April.

    Mid April -

    I got the news that I was being let go from my job. I was devastated. I'm still looking for work since then and even that alone is crushing me at the moment. Within a week of being let go, I started to feel something was off. It must have been the extra time I had to spend at home that things became more obvious.

    One night, I just couldn't shake whatever was nagging at me. I did what you never want to do and I looked at his phone. I slid it out from under his pillow while he was asleep next to me, Then there it was, a betting app, with over 14k spent on it. I said nothing as I was so in shock, I went downstairs and slept on the couch that night.

    The next day I was due to travel home (I am from a different county to where I am living now) I didn't know what his state of mind was and I didn't feel right him being alone for the weekend so after a couple of hours of going back and forth and half crapping myself about doing it I plucked up the courage to call his mother and let her know. She was upset but was thankful for making her aware incase he was in a bad state of mind. I spent the weekend at home, pretending everything was okay. I said nothing to my family. I was still in shock. His mother and I agreed she would speak to him over the weekend and break it to him that we knew.


    I came back after the weekend expecting to have a conversation and hoped he would explain everything, after all, as far as I was concerned he had done wrong. I let it to him for the first day or so to come to me to explain himself. I got nothing. He just avoided me. I stayed sleeping on the couch. After another day or two I got a text. The text was his online banking details so that I could log in and see what he had done.

    When I did there was much more than just the betting app. There was thousands more on the lottery app, and three loans I didn't know about, his credit card maxed. I took another look at the betting app, It wasn't even bets it was a casino game. It had been going on since Dec/Jan. He had even won over 26k one day towards the end of February but it went back into the casino game. I felt upset, betrayed, deceived, angry, and didn't and still don't know where to go from here....He could have cleaned up his mess when he won that money, why did he continue....why...

    When I managed to have a half decent conversation about it he snarled at me and said "sure it doesn't affect you".. I let him know how it did, I think he realised then to some extent the hurt he caused. He hadn't even considered the consequences he was so deep in it. I asked him why, he said he works hard and felt his money didn't go very far (he has a good job - no excuse) He said he wanted to get money to pay off loans for the house quicker. He said he knew he could win the money and that he spent the money he won because there was a bigger jackpot he "knew" he could win after the first. I couldn't believe the delusion I was hearing.

    Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was going to give him another chance, I stared him straight in the face and said if I am doing this I need to know everything, nothing hidden going forward, an opportunity to wipe the slate and try to move forward and deal with this somehow. He said there was no more but he "could be forgetting something" unintentionally. I said no, there either is or is not more. He said there was no more. Within a few days I found more. I flipped my lid. I just couldn't believe it. At that moment I just could take anymore and my thought was I cant trust this person ever again. I thought thank god we don't have kids.

    Within 24 hours of this he began talking to women on dating apps. I was so upset. How could someone do this? I was still sleeping on the couch, he offered it to me but I just couldn't sleep in that bed. Ive been spending most days since so upset that I cant leave the house some days. I have no idea what to or what I should do. Whats the right or wrong to do.... I cant stay elsewhere as I have no job. I cant move home as there is no room for me there. The letters for failed direct debits and money owed are coming thick and fast through the door at this stage..

    He isn't one to open up and show/speak his feelings but he hasn't done much to show remorse, I don't feel he has spoken any heartfelt words when we have spoken. He seems to be just accepting that things are screwed. At this point we ignore each other in the house, I've never felt so alone. I just feel like he should have been on his hands and knee's showing how sorry he is, I haven't even seen him visibly upset but here I am upset everyday.

    All of this and even though I think I just need to get back on my feet and walk away, but I still have that voice in the back of my head saying stay, give him a chance.


    What would you do?


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Your partner is an addict. He's not going to change without serious professional help. As he appears to be in denial, that's unlikely to be a process that will start any time soon.

    So it's time to get brutal with yourself about what you're willing to accept in this relationship. Can you support an addict who is unwilling to get help? What are the longterm repercussions for you?

    As overwhelming as all of this feels, try to start with baby steps. It's abundantly clear you can't be in that house with him at the moment. How can you tackle that first step? Is there a friend or relative who might have a spare room for you for a few weeks? I know it's not ideal, but is the family home a temporary option for you?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So 14 k spent on app plus 26 k winning put back in, 40 k tip of iceberg and he thinks this has no affect on you and none of your business.
    Walk away. His relationship with his addiction is more important to him than his relationship with you.




  • Thanks for the reply ginandtonicsky, Its really tough, its only in the last year or so that he has done this kind of thing. I dont know which is worse to be honest, what he did or what his actions have been since I found out.

    I literally have nowhere else that I can stay, I dont have any friends or family where I am living which is where he is from. I cant go home as there is no space and issues at home also. I am also tied to this area for at least another year due to other reasons.

    I also was advised that I would need to be here if I am to pursue my rights to the house as a cohabitant. I have to look for work here too as I cant bear not working mentally and financially.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 88 ✭✭Aufbau


    I'm sorry you're in this trouble, OP. It's going to take some time to deal with, and it won't be easy, but you'll get there.

    If you really have nowhere to go then the first thing you need to do is secure the roof over your head. Make sure you get proper legal advice from a family law solicitor - you should be able to get an initial consultation for no charge. You need to ensure that if his debt falls against the house that your portion is safeguarded.

    For the moment, can you move into some other room in the house? Move the couch in as a bed if you need to. When you have your own space and feel secure in the house, you'll be better able to deal with things.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    Theres a lot to process here.

    First of all, your partner has an addiction problem. Its unusual for a problem like to suddenly develop out of nothing, they tend to be more gradual and progressive in nature. It would seem odd that someone who never had any interest in gambling suddenly went into massive debt from it in a short period of time. So I would suggest that he has possibly been hiding this activity from your for a long long time. Or perhaps you knew that he enjoyed a "flutter" but never realised he was involved more deeply than that. Anyway, the point is - however bad you think it is and however bad he has come clean to - its probably worse. Addicts only ever admit to what they have to.

    So, unless he is willing to get help, proper medically advised help, and then go cold turkey and go to weekly meetings/support for this - AND show remorse to you - well without all of that - nothing is changing. So YOU have to decide if you want to stay with an addict. Or if he does try to reform - you have to decide if you want to stay with a recovering addict. This particular type of addiction has a lot of fall out for a partner because if you marry you end up being financially responsible for half the debt and it affects your whole life, any loan or mortgage or credit you go for will be affected by his bad financial behaviour. You can never trust that he hasnt lost your home in a card game. Even recovered addicts can lapse and a lapse for a gambling addict can mean losing your life savings in one evening.

    About the house you now live in. You mention cohabitation rights so is it correct then that this is his property that you moved into? You need proper legal advice on this but I dont believe your physical presence is necessary if you are named on the mortgage and deeds, although it might be the case if you moved into his property. Speak to a solicitor about this before you move out. If he is in enough debt though it might be a moot point - a judge cannot take what isnt there and his debts to financial institutions are going to take precedence here - he may be forced to sell the property to clear debt, so having a cohabitation claim may be meaningless here anyway.

    Above all, look after yourself and get support from your friends and family.

    In your position I would try to get a job, break up, move out and move on. But I understand a 13 year history is difficult to let go of just like that.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,035 ✭✭✭kg703


    Contact the companies he is gambling with and inform them. They are obligated to investigate and will likely close him down if he can’t afford to bet like this or is showin signs of problem gambling.

    He can self exclude from gambling websites individually or all of them.

    Let your local shops know as well


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    He is a gambling addict. He won't change. He can't.

    If you stay with him there will be a rollercoaster up remissions and relapses and blow outs. It'll be an expensive life of debt and stress.

    I can tell you, you are flogging a dead horse trying to get a gambling addict to change their ways. You could never trust them with anything. I wouldn't.

    Dump him. Move out. move on.
    It is as simple as that.

    /story


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,818 ✭✭✭jlm29


    Are you tied to him financially? Joint loans? Joint mortgage etc? It’s not clear from your posts if you own or rent?




  • Hi guys,

    Thanks for all of your responses. I really appreciate it.

    To answer some of the questions. He owns the house, my name isn't on it, however I sought advice and was advised that cohabitants have rights if you have been cohabiting for at least 5 years. I was advised he could at worst be forced to sell the house. If I go down that route neither he nor myself would get to decide the outcome.

    I have one loan in my name belong to the house from over 2 years ago that we got to fit a new kitchen. I felt uncomfortable about getting it at the time but felt I had no other choice. He said he would get rid of that if he can, he is expecting money to come through from an accident he had late last year. However, there are complications with it so I am not holding my breath.

    I took back the bedroom a week ago after 2 months of sleeping on the couch and I have some organisation and respite back. I couldn't hack being on the couch anymore.

    Since finding out about what he was up to he has as far as I can see stopped spending money in the fashion he was. However, he changed all his passwords so I no longer have any view on anything which is fair enough I suppose in a way since we are broken up at the moment but I cant say 100% now if he is or isnt still gambling.

    What I am finding hard really is just feeling like a ghost in the house, Im sure he sort of feels the same but I have to tough it out until I get a job and get back on my feet. I tried to be "normal"/civil around him for a few days just to make things easier, like cooking meals and eating at the table together, going for a walk with the dog... but it wasn't working, I have too much anger in me at the moment.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭tara73



    Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was going to give him another chance, I stared him straight in the face and said if I am doing this I need to know everything, nothing hidden going forward, an opportunity to wipe the slate and try to move forward and deal with this somehow.

    Within 24 hours of this he began talking to women on dating apps.

    I think your title sums it up pretty accurately. I really hope you gave up on thinking of giving him a second (third?) chance after this.

    But as I read in your last post it seems so, thank god. Very good move you got legal advice. It's a tough one trying to weather it out and claiming your legal rights staying in the house with him.

    Be careful, I would always say physical and mental health is worth more than any money in the world. Be prepared he can get nasty if he senses you are on on claiming your rights. I would try to keep it hidden from him as long as possible.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Sorry if I missed it but do you have a joint account? If so I'd be closing it asap. The last thing you want is him to take out debt in your joint names. Funny you should mention a kitchen loan. I wonder could he not get one due to his gambling?




  • zapper55 wrote: »
    Sorry if I missed it but do you have a joint account? If so I'd be closing it asap. The last thing you want is him to take out debt in your joint names. Funny you should mention a kitchen loan. I wonder could he not get one due to his gambling?

    We do have a joint a/c.. will be talking with the bank anyway so will ask them about this




  • Yesterday and today have been tough, been upset most of the time. Its really hard to swallow everything.. We've been together so long. His family are pretty much mine too at this stage. I lost it last week when his grandfather so kindly gave me a belated birthday card, he doesn't know anything is wrong. All of the relationships ive built are going to be gone. He wont talk to his family about things either, he wont talk to his sister who also unknowingly gave him a loan of money back in January that went back out into the betting app. He is pee'd off at me for telling them. If he could have it his way nobody would know about it.

    Its so bad that I noticed online that his exam results were due out last week for an evening course he was doing for a degree and he never told anyone. I text his mum to tell her incase he hadn't and she wanted to ask him how he got on. She rang his phone and he wouldn't answer, she rang mine to get to talk to him, I answered and just passed it straight over. He is treating everyone like crap instead of accepting any support. He complained a while back about his mum asking him how he was everytime he spoke to her. He just wants to run away from his mess.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 88 ✭✭Aufbau


    Sounds rough. Also sounds like you've a head on your shoulders, well done to you. It's good that you're getting legal advice and talking to the bank. It's good too that you're not hiding anything from his family. I hope you're not hiding anything from your own family either. The relationships you've built with his family will stand to you and give you support. If it does end up that you don't see them as frequently, they'll still be there when you do. Hang in there, OP.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    You've offered to be there for your boyfriend and he's treating you so awfully.. yes, he has issues but you can't let him drag you down with him. Whatever about ignoring you, being rude to you, lying to you, making you sleep on the couch.. using dating apps is just the lowest of the low. There is no reasoning with someone like that. You need to look after yourself.

    You need an exit plan. Google it. It might take a few days to put things in motion so stay strong in the meantime.

    Get on top of the joint account. Is there are few thousand in it? Split it 50-50. Do you have any money yourself, even a few thousand? Use it to rent an apartment immediately* (on second thoughts, might be best to see if you can live with a friend til the dust settles but DON'T STAY WITH HIM in his toxic environment). Take a bit of space to yourself, get some counselling, and when you're in a better position you can consider things like job-hunting. This will pass but take care of yourself. Be resilient and don't let depression take hold.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Yesterday and today have been tough, been upset most of the time. Its really hard to swallow everything.. We've been together so long. His family are pretty much mine too at this stage. I lost it last week when his grandfather so kindly gave me a belated birthday card, he doesn't know anything is wrong. All of the relationships ive built are going to be gone. He wont talk to his family about things either, he wont talk to his sister who also unknowingly gave him a loan of money back in January that went back out into the betting app. He is pee'd off at me for telling them. If he could have it his way nobody would know about it.

    Its so bad that I noticed online that his exam results were due out last week for an evening course he was doing for a degree and he never told anyone. I text his mum to tell her incase he hadn't and she wanted to ask him how he got on. She rang his phone and he wouldn't answer, she rang mine to get to talk to him, I answered and just passed it straight over. He is treating everyone like crap instead of accepting any support. He complained a while back about his mum asking him how he was everytime he spoke to her. He just wants to run away from his mess.
    I hate to say it and sorry if this sounds harsh but even if there were no gambling issues, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Why are you involving his mother and getting her to talk to him instead of doing it yourself? His mother broached the gambling with him and also the exam results. That's not normal. You should be able to openly communicate with your partner without involving his mother.

    This isn't going to get better. Do you think you'll be able to get a job soon so you can get the money to move out? Would your family be able to help you? Staying in that environment, especially when you don't have work to distract you is going to eat away at your mental health.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,438 ✭✭✭topmanamillion


    OP. Walk away now.
    You say you're considering giving him a second chance. It doesn't seem like he's looking for one.

    You need to start the wheels rolling on getting your share of the house before he remortgages it and gambles that away. A portion of the proceeds will be better in your pocket than a Bookies.

    He is 100% still gambling. That's why he's changed his passwords.

    Get yourself any sort of a job and get out now.
    It mightn't be in an area you'd like for the next year or so but it'll be a stepping stone.




  • Paddy Cow wrote: »
    I hate to say it and sorry if this sounds harsh but even if there were no gambling issues, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Why are you involving his mother and getting her to talk to him instead of doing it yourself? His mother broached the gambling with him and also the exam results. That's not normal. You should be able to openly communicate with your partner without involving his mother.

    This isn't going to get better. Do you think you'll be able to get a job soon so you can get the money to move out? Would your family be able to help you? Staying in that environment, especially when you don't have work to distract you is going to eat away at your mental health.

    Im not sure what you mean, I think you have misinterpreted what I have written. The reason I spoke to his mum was because I was not going to be there to talk to him. I was due to leave to go to my parents house the day after I found out about everything, he wasn't there in the morning, he was gone to work. I told his mum as I wouldn't be sure what his state of mind was and if anything happened and I hadn't confided in someone about it then it would be bad. His mum asked me to not say anything, she wanted to speak to him first. I had no issue with that.

    As for the exam results, He never tells his family these things, barely answers the phone to them. It was with good intentions that I wanted to give him the feeling that they care. He has been avoiding everyone so it was a good way for his mum to show she cares and for her to get to talk to him.

    It has nothing to do with communicating with him. He chooses to ignore everyone. Including me. Ive tried talking to him umpteen times at this stage.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    OP - sorry to hear what you're going through. As someone said, I think your relationship problems (as bad as they are) are bigger than just the gambling. His dealing with you and his family shows someone who lacks empathy and emotional intelligence. Maybe he had had issues from the past that has manifested it's way into gambling. Maybe, he doesn't want to communicate with his family as he is forced to tell lies all the time to shield his bad habits.

    As the economy is doing well at the moment and with low unemployment, can you look to distract yourself and focus all your energy for now on finding a new job? At least when you get money starting to trickle in, you have more options to either rent elsewhere or move out of the area completely. I know you are waiting on co-habit rights to give you entitlement with the property but if that means both of you living under the same roof indefinitely, I'd carefully consider what is the lesser of two evils.

    I feel this relationship is beyond salvaging. Gambling is the worst sort of addiction and disease as it destroys you and your loved ones financially. Maybe he can change as gamblers can reform but he needs to accept he has a problem as the first step but that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. You can only look after and be responsible for yourself. Best of luck.




  • Thanks again for all the replies guys I appreciate them so much, its helping me to process things a bit at least.

    I closed the joint account today. Meeting with a recruitment company on Monday and also providing my documentation to the legal aid board on Monday to get some free legal aid to go ahead with my cohabiting rights.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    There is so much wrong with this relationship that I doubt it can be salvaged and even if it could it shouldn't be.

    His gambling is a massive issue, no doubt but in my mind, the fact you checked his accounts is not right and that fact you contacted his mother is a huge NO. I would immediately dump anyone who thought contacting my mother was a good idea to address issues within our relationship.

    Prioritise getting a job and rent elsewhere. I feel it bizarre that you are looking at cohabitation rights - it's his house which you have already benefited from by living there 13 years and yet you still want more? There'll be very little left of it in any case given the gambling and other debts.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 88 ✭✭Aufbau


    I would immediately dump anyone who...
    That's a relief.

    OP, you're doing great. Good luck tomorrow!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Aufbau wrote: »
    I would immediately dump anyone who...
    That's a relief.

    OP, you're doing great. Good luck tomorrow!

    What's your problem?

    I am as entitled to my opinion as you are yours. You don't make to agree with it but you don't have to be an asshole either.


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