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Who's in the wrong here

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  • 19-06-2019 5:51pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    For the past year I have really gotten into exercise. I originally joined a gym to lose weight but now it's just more for fun. I really like going. I lost a ton of weight. Not just using the gym but through diet as well.

    I do have to drive to the gym as it's about 10 miles away. I have a sister who saw how well I was doing and she too joined the gym except she doesn't have a way in. She can use a bus but if I'm free, I don't mind taking her. We do work opposite shifts, so I'm free in the morning and she's free in the evening so it doesn't always work out that we're free at the same time.

    For the past year I was obsessed with going into the gym, three times a week. However last week I only went twice. I managed to catch a cold and I still went into the gym.

    I was going to go again on Saturday and keep up my routine. My sister was also free at the same time and my sister decided she wanted to go as well and since I was going anyway I didn't mind bringing her.

    However, due to having a cold and working half day, I changed my mind. I thought I could skip one day in the year from my routine. That's allowed isn't it?

    My sister turned on me saying I just didn't want to bring her to the gym and I didn't want her to lose weight. That's not it at all. She didn't care that I had a cold.

    We're not talking because I think she should be apologising for her angry tone towards me but she isn't. I wasn't stopping her from using the gym, she could have used the bus to get in. But she's putting the full blame on me, yet when losing weight it's 80% down to your diet. How is this my fault?


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    #2
    antix80
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    The only wrong thing you did was to promise a lift to your sister, and then letting her down. These things happen, but can't you see why she'd be disappointed?

    I'd guess it wasn't all about the lift, either. She probably feels like she relies on you for emotional support, and for you to motivate her to go to the gym. That's her mistake because it's not what you're offering.

    Be careful about making promises. If you agree a day or time, try to stick to it and don't let her down at the last minute.


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    #3
    InPsyDer
    Registered Users Posts: 62 ✭✭InPsyDer


    The OP said in their post that the sister can use a bus to get to the gym, she just gives her a lift when she's already going so how is her taking a day off preventing the sister going? Seems a big overreaction by the sister especially if part of the reason for not going was having a cold so not feeling great, a bit of sympathy seems called for in that case.

    OP your sister is being a bit dramatic in my opinion, you would know her well enough to know if this is normal behaviour for her or out of character.

    If it was my sister I wouldnt be apologising but if you don't want to be in a fight with her you could just say "it was a shame we got into a disagreement over something that is meant to be positive for both of us, but I don't understand your comments given I've helped you out loads of times with lifts before and the bus is there if you want it." Maybe something else is bothering her?


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    #4
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    I wonder is she a bit envious about the weight loss and its manifested into this. I suspect this isn't really about the lift at all.

    Maybe chat to her face to face in a non confrontational way. The worst thing would be if neither of you offered to and it blew into something bigger than it needed to be.


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    #5
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Just let it go.

    She is wrong. But maybe she just had a bad week etc or is feeling low.

    You guys will be best friends again in a day or so and that is the main thing.

    Keep well OP and lots of love to you and your sister :)


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    This hasn't been the first time that she has had a go at me either. She has been learning to drive and one Sunday she wanted me to take her out on a driving lesson. I didn't mind taking her but at 11am, all I said was "later". We had all day for a driving lesson but it wasn't good enough for her and she turned around and said I never had any intention of bringing her. The time to have a go at me is at night if I never had any intention to but 11am seemed to be ok with her. I never did after that aggressive turn towards me. She badly wanted a driving lesson, but then wouldn't ask my brother who can also drive after she told everyone I let her down.


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    #7
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    People can be fully irrational without any help from steroids. I think that's reaching a bit. She's looking to lose weight according to the OP, not become a bodybuilder.

    OP I think your sister is completely in the wrong. Fair enough, she was bargaining on you giving her a lift and that didn't happen - that's life. If you rely on others for lifts and things, you have to accept that occasionally their schedule may not allow it, or they may be sick, or whatever - so deal with the mild disappointment if they cancel. To turn on you and accuse you of trying to sabotage her is completely OTT and she owes you an apology, especially in light of the fact that she could have got a bus (or went out for a jog!!) and also in light of the fact that she's saved a fair load on bus fares to date thanks to your help.


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    #8
    Bob Harris
    Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    People can be fully irrational without any help from steroids. I think that's reaching a bit. She's looking to lose weight according to the OP, not become a bodybuilder.

    OP I think your sister is completely in the wrong. Fair enough, she was bargaining on you giving her a lift and that didn't happen - that's life. If you rely on others for lifts and things, you have to accept that occasionally their schedule may not allow it, or they may be sick, or whatever - so deal with the mild disappointment if they cancel. To turn on you and accuse you of trying to sabotage her is completely OTT and she owes you an apology, especially in light of the fact that she could have got a bus (or went out for a jog!!) and also in light of the fact that she's saved a fair load on bus fares to date thanks to your help.

    My post was deleted by a mod so your steroids comment looks out of context. No steroids required for irrationality at all though her behaviour is typical of someone on steroids and it should also be remembered that steroids are often taken by people who have no need for them.


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    #9
    antix80
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    5stonedown wrote: »
    This hasn't been the first time that she has had a go at me either.

    Op, take the advice you're being given. There is no point in telling tales of woe about how your sister does you wrong. It's probably a dynamic from your childhood.
    She's probably insecure and is afraid of messing up either her exercise plan or her driving. It's a lot easier to say you're going to achieve something than to actually follow through, so she'll use anything as an excuse to give up.

    You can't control her behaviour, you can only control yours.
    Make sure to set clear boundaries. When you make a promise, make sure both of you know what you're agreeing to, then stick to it.


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    #10
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Does your sister have a history of having a go at you?


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    #11
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Sounds a like an overreaction based on what you've said. Is there anything you're not telling us?

    Would it be a semi-regular occurrence that you might change your mind at the last minute?

    Have you and your sister had words about weight loss before, has she had a go at you about it, or have you accused her of jealousy?

    My honest feeling is that you let her down. Even if you didn't want to go to the gym, it wouldn't have been much effort for you to give her a lift so that she could go.

    The plan had been made that you would both go, so you knew she was reliant on you for that day. It's one thing if you woke up unable to get out of the bed, but you just changed your mind. And in doing so, you forced her to either change or abandon her plans. Maybe she could have gotten the bus, maybe she couldn't because her plans for the day were contingent on getting to the gym at a given time.

    In your shoes I would have given her the lift regardless.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    seamus wrote: »
    Sounds a like an overreaction based on what you've said. Is there anything you're not telling us?

    Would it be a semi-regular occurrence that you might change your mind at the last minute?

    Have you and your sister had words about weight loss before, has she had a go at you about it, or have you accused her of jealousy?

    My honest feeling is that you let her down. Even if you didn't want to go to the gym, it wouldn't have been much effort for you to give her a lift so that she could go.

    The plan had been made that you would both go, so you knew she was reliant on you for that day. It's one thing if you woke up unable to get out of the bed, but you just changed your mind. And in doing so, you forced her to either change or abandon her plans. Maybe she could have gotten the bus, maybe she couldn't because her plans for the day were contingent on getting to the gym at a given time.

    In your shoes I would have given her the lift regardless.

    She wasn't reling on me for the whole day. I came home from work and said I was going to the gym. We didn't make plans before this. But I changed my mind because I had a cold and it was one day out of my routine. One day in over a year where I went three times a week without fail. Surely I was allowed to get over my cold before starting back.

    It was effort, 10 miles out of my way, after work and after an aggressive tone with me as well. It wouldn't have been much effort for her to hop on a bus either. The comments were very nasty from her towards me like I was trying to get her down from losing weight. She could have got the bus or went out for a walk.

    To another poster, yes she does have a history of having a go at me.


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    #13
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,382 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    She sounds like she just likes to create drama. I'd say something if you were a bit flaky and constantly making arrangements and cancelling on her at the last minute, but it doesn't sound like that.

    The comment about 'you don't want me to lose weight' sounds like an over the top comment. If she was pissed off about missing her lift, I'd be more expectant of something like 'if you'd told me that earlier I could have got the bus'


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