I feel stupid, or maybe its imposter syndrome?

.......

This is a difficult one to describe.

I get these feelings of inadequacy when it comes to learning something new. I worry that I wont be smart enough to understand it.

It doesnt make sense to me because I know I am smart. I have a string of academic qualifications in difficult subjects and in my work (which is quite technical) I have never met a problem I couldnt (eventually) solve.

But yet I am always worrying that I wont be able to understand the next thing.

Currently I am experiencing it because I am trying to spend the summer upskilling for career purposes. I am highly skilled and experienced in a particular thing, but its a legacy thing, and I need to get more modern knowledge and experience. I have it all thought out, courses lined up, and then a practical application I can do to "show" my work in interviews - I can build a project about something I study for separately so it ties in with both new learning and practical application.

Im not too far into the new course, and its easy so far. But im in a near state of panic that Ill reach a point where I just dont understand it anymore.

The above has always sort of plagued me. In my last job, I used to really really worry that they would find out that I didnt really know what I was doing. Or that I wasnt as good as they thought I was. I have experienced less of that in my current job, but it might just be because its not as varied. Ive never been that career driven and Im not ambitious in terms of moving up the career "ladder" in work. I like a technical role where I really bed in and get to know the systems very well and sort of become the subject matter expert.

I have been procrastinating for ages about upskilling, because underneath I am scared I wont be able for it.

I wish I understood these feelings and why this happens to me.

ongarboy

Sounds to me like a form of insecurity or else anxiety or both. Any of us who have an inferiority complex can feel from time to time that we are not good enough for something. Where you say you fear that you'll come to a point where you will no longer understand something, I think you are catastrophizing somewhat. You have no proven evidence that this will happen so you're fearing the worst - anxiety in other words.

You've already proven you have a strong intelligence due to the number of difficult academic qualifications you acquired so you've demonstrated your ability to retain information and apply critical thinking - core competencies in any job ( and which plenty of full time workers in responsible positions with good salaries do not have from my experience).

You're being too hard on yourself. Try downloading an app like Headspace that allows you to perform 10 minutes of mindfulness daily which teaches you to free up your mind of all the negative or damaging thoughts going through your head. It would be a shame to harm your career prospects (or even just your daily happiness and peace of mind) because of such negative thoughts. Unless others (ie your manager) or calling out some issues with your work, then there is no need to self criticize.

antix80

You like being an expert, because that means you know every detail. So "know it all" is basically your outward identity.

With a new technology, it would take a while to get to the same level of expertise.. In the meantime, there's uncertainty. If you don't get to grips quick enough it could make you look silly, or might result in mistakes, unacceptable delays, criticism, failure, inadequacy.. you'd be found out - at least that's the fear.

The varied role you mentioned was perhaps too busy and random (things outside your control). By not having the time to be an expert in something there's a high risk of making mistakes, with the alternative of taking an unacceptably long time to do something right while other similar work builds up. In a varied or fast paced job, both if those scenarios would create a lot of stress.

I think you're in your comfort zone when you're an expert. Training and new jobs naturally take you out of your comfort zone, which is good because that's where you avail of opportunities.
Try to figure out what makes you so anxious, and why you catastrophize non-existant future outcomes like you do. Therapy might help you understand, but counselling or breathing exercises/mindfulness can also help you overcome the anxiety you're experiencing.

seamus

^^ I think the man above has hit the nail on the head.

Your story is far more common than you think tbh. People get embedded in the work that they do, they know it absolutely inside and out. And before they know it, it's a decade later and they haven't really learned anything else.

It can be especially hard when you are a subject matter expert in something that the world has moved on from. Not only is your specific knowledge of little use to an employer, but you're so far behind the industry that it can't really be applied in a more general sense either. So you feel like you're starting from scratch and you'll never catch up.

Learning is muscle that needs to be exercised to keep it limber. When you go from not doing any formal learning for a long time, back into a course, it's daunting. You know you're not the expert anymore. You want to click your fingers and be at the end of the course with the content absorbed, because then you're more comfortable. But you can't. So you have this deeply uncomfortable period where you know just how little you know and you fear that you'll never know enough.

If you train and learn new ideas more continuously, this feeling gets easier. Especially if you're learning something that's cutting edge.

They estimate about 70% of people experience the imposter phenomenon at some point in their lives. However, if it's a continuous thing for you, causing actual worry (as opposed to fleeting thoughts during the day), then speaking to someone about it might be the answer.

It's my personal opinion that this "fear of learning" is very common as people get older. Older people often remark about how they "can't" learn X, Y or Z and most of the time just refuse to even begin. And IMO, this is because they've such a bedrock of life experience and expertise below them, that new concepts and training really brings them to an uncomfortable place, that many just flee from. The brain is known to become less plastic as you age, but not by that much. The brain can continue creating new pathways and storing new information well into the 80s, 90s and beyond.

.......

I enjoy the kind of knowledge that comes with experience - you know , the kind of - oh yep, Ive seen this before, it took weeks to figure it out last time!

I wouldnt say Im the subject matter expert in the sense that I know the answers immediately, far from it, the skill is more about tracking down the issue and figuring out what caused it - after the fact. So I think Im less the "know it all" and more the "problem solver". There used to be a joke in the last job that I was the person who knew where to look for the answers.

But thats only one aspect of the work. Im not outdated technically in the sense that my knowledge is limited and not useful - its extremely useful and I could pick up a job very easily because I have a variety of technical skills - some more modern than others. But theyre old to ME. I am upskilling more because I dont want to just do the same technical thing in the next job.

When you work with systems, you do get to know them very very well over time and its much easier to maintain them when you really understand them. Yet one of the aspects I really enjoyed about this job when I first got it was NOT being the person who people would go to for the answers because I was new and didnt have the answers - which seems like a contradiction!

Just to add this doesnt just affect my work life, I study part time and every September I go through a sort of "oh no - THIS is going to be the module that Im not able for".

Re whether the worries are fleeting or now. I can usually talk myself out of it. Generally by making a plan, reasoning with myself that Im not stupid etc... So Im not constantly plagued, but its regular enough that I just wish I didnt have to keep on talking myself down!!

In my childhood I used to be a TERRIBLE worrier and would lie awake for hours categorising and catastrophising my various worries and talking myself down - I mean of course it was all pretty stupid stuff but at the time it was a big deal to me.

I am not a worrier to the same degree now, but yet I get this sort of regular occurring feeling that I am somehow stupid. Its possible my hormonal cycle affects it as well - it might be an idea for me to track the worries, and if it turns out that its once every 4 weeks it hits me (which does happen me with other emotions), then that might help me to just throw the thoughts away when they happen.

Even just talking about it here has helped - thanks for the replies.

ILoveYourVibes

antix80 wrote: »

You like being an expert, because that means you know every detail. So "know it all" is basically your outward identity.



The varied role you mentioned was perhaps too busy and random (things outside your control).

I think you're in your comfort zone when you're an expert. Training and new jobs naturally take you out of your comfort zone

I think this poster is on to something.