Crippling social anxiety

Matthew Gleeson

Hi folks

Over the last few years I’ve developed pretty bad social anxiety and it’s starting to really impact my life and even job at times. It’s at the point where I’m sick to my stomach before parties and even some family social occasions. My nerves feel a bit shot sometimes.

I just find talking so hard and spend most of the time thinking about how much the other person is bored by me. I do my best to listen as much as possible but sometimes even this is hindered by the fear of the next pause which can be a vicious circle.

I know I’m not alone with this. Putting this thread up to share coping strategies and ways to make better conversations.

Many thanks!

Freedive Ireland

I think you have hit on something that usually works. There's an old saying that if you speak to someone about themselves, they'll listen all day. People are often not listening to you anyway, just waiting for you to finish speaking so they can start.
Ask them about themselves, repeat some of what they have said back to show you were listening. Forget the title but the greatest book on this subject is How to win friends and influence people.
Are you young or old? The older I get the less bothered I am of what people think about me, just what I think about myself and those people close to me.

SuperRabbit

There are a good few resources online on how to learn "active listening skills". They take the pressure off you to speak and give you an idea what you can say in the next pause.

You've expressed it pretty well in your post, there are two things you want to cope with: a. the social anxiety, b. the social skills

What resources have you got available or do you think you can access to help you with anxiety?

Matthew Gleeson

Freedive Ireland wrote: »

I think you have hit on something that usually works. There's an old saying that if you speak to someone about themselves, they'll listen all day. People are often not listening to you anyway, just waiting for you to finish speaking so they can start.
Ask them about themselves, repeat some of what they have said back to show you were listening. Forget the title but the greatest book on this subject is How to win friends and influence people.
Are you young or old? The older I get the less bothered I am of what people think about me, just what I think about myself and those people close to me.

Thanks a million. I’m in my mid 20s. The strange thing is I have great friends that I’m relaxed and look forward to hanging out with. But when I’m heading to family parties or if my girlfriend wants me to spend time with her friends I just really struggle.

As with anything like this each time it gets worse. The issue with asking them about themselves is I sometimes find they give one word answers. They may have spent a month or two traveling and when I ask how that was it’s usually a one word answer. I’m reluctant to talk about myself cause no one wants to be that asswhole who doesn’t shut up about themselves 😂 but I’m happy to stand and listen to others talk. Just to get through an evening.

I see social interaction as something to survive and not enjoy. That’s my big issue.

The anxiety I haven’t any real strategies. Alcohol can be successful but it’s not always a healthy thing to rely on. Especially given I find myself at these types of things more often now a days.

Anyway many thanks for the comments ðŸ‘🼠All help is appreciated!

MetzgerMeister

Matthew Gleeson wrote: »

Thanks a million. I’m in my mid 20s. The strange thing is I have great friends that I’m relaxed and look forward to hanging out with. But when I’m heading to family parties or if my girlfriend wants me to spend time with her friends I just really struggle.

As with anything like this each time it gets worse. The issue with asking them about themselves is I sometimes find they give one word answers. They may have spent a month or two traveling and when I ask how that was it’s usually a one word answer. I’m reluctant to talk about myself cause no one wants to be that asswhole who doesn’t shut up about themselves �� but I’m happy to stand and listen to others talk. Just to get through an evening.

I see social interaction as something to survive and not enjoy. That’s my big issue.

The anxiety I haven’t any real strategies. Alcohol can be successful but it’s not always a healthy thing to rely on. Especially given I find myself at these types of things more often now a days.

Anyway many thanks for the comments ðŸ‘🼠All help is appreciated!

This shows me that they are the ones with the problem talking to people. You are the one making the effort to engage them in conversation and they can't give better than one word answers.

Fathom

Matthew Gleeson wrote: »

I know I’m not alone with this. Putting this thread up to share coping strategies and ways to make better conversations.

Feared public speaking. Coping strategies? What I did. The Nike motto? "Just do it!" What they call experiential learning. Learn by experience. I took baby-steps. Gradually achieved systematic desensitization per CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) over time. Now you can't shut me up before a group.

LLewellen Farquarson

Matthew Gleeson wrote: »

. The issue with asking them about themselves is I sometimes find they give one word answers. They may have spent a month or two traveling and when I ask how that was it’s usually a one word answer.

Learn how to ask open-ended questions
Instead of "How was your holiday ?" ask "what was the best thing you did?" "Who were the friendliest people "? "What didn't you do that you regret not doing?"
Maybe they give one word answers because they don't want to appear to be talking about themselves. Asking them an open-ended question is like giving them permission, and showing that you are actually interested.
And it's easier to keep the conversation going if you then listen ask further questions on their answers, e.g. "that's really interesting, why do you think that was?"
Here's a link to examples
https://www.gentlemansgazette.com/how-to-get-to-know-someone/

Matthew Gleeson

LLewellen Farquarson wrote: »

Learn how to ask open-ended questions
Instead of "How was your holiday ?" ask "what was the best thing you did?" "Who were the friendliest people "? "What didn't you do that you regret not doing?"
Maybe they give one word answers because they don't want to appear to be talking about themselves. Asking them an open-ended question is like giving them permission, and showing that you are actually interested.
And it's easier to keep the conversation going if you then listen ask further questions on their answers, e.g. "that's really interesting, why do you think that was?"
Here's a link to examples
https://www.gentlemansgazette.com/how-to-get-to-know-someone/

This is awesome! Really helpful!

Many thanks!!

SuperRabbit

Just to say, I'm sure you know this but just in case, and because these threads tend to get read by people with similar difficulties who find them on google, occasionally persistent one word answers can be a signal "This is not a good time to talk"