Sibling issue

LegacyUser

Im going Anon for this.A bit of background. I have a number siblings whom I love a lot. All have families of their own as do I albeit I’m divorced and living in my old family home alone as it was lying idle for a number of years with our father in a nursing home, one of our siblings passed away around this time.
One sibling has been hard to deal with in the last number of years, as they have had issues with almost everyone whom in my eyes has done nothing wrong except that they don't see life the way that she does. Example: The other sibling is great, their spouse is fantastic and is always welcoming and pleasant and myself and partner see frequently and never any issues, yet the other sibling doesn't like the spouse and has bitched and moaned about them behind their back for no reason. I have raised this with the sibling and I just don't like XXXX but no explanation which I get as everyone doesn't have to fit into others lives. I have extended family members, aunts and cousins whom have been taught as the same yet again they have done nothing wrong.
There were times id visit this sibling whom doesn't live too far, what I will say is that the home is not a nice place to be..totally dysfunctional and they don't seem to have respect for each other as in a lot of hostility and from what I can see its treated as normal!! and on each visit I would either be somewhat ignored to a certain extent or lead into a conversation that you know is going to develop into an argument by the spouse whom is very condescending. I explained that I don't feel comfortable putting myself into a position where I'm either ignored or lead into a confrontation and I got no reply. I have suggested to this sibling to try some form of counselling or therapy to find out where they are in life and see if that works but "I'm ok, I don't have any issues"
As I'm living in the old family home I feel that when our father does pass away there could be an issue with this sibling about my taking over the home as what we agreed before I move in. The remaining family do believe there are problems with the sibling yet we don't have the answers and it is taking a toll on us.

wiggle16

Hi OP

Well you've two separate issues really that are not connected - except you've connected them and identified a problem for you. Not for your sister.

Your sibling sounds difficult, and doesn't sound like a nice person, but she doesn't sound like she has any issues to be treated. She just sounds rude, sly and a bit of a bitch. A doctor can't treat any of these things unfortunately.
OP if you don't like your sister or enjoy her company and she treats you badly then limit your contact with her. If you are made feel unwelcome when you visit, then clearly you are unwelcome as a visitor - don't visit. She doesn't want you there, neither does her partner and why should you put yourself in a position where you are being treated like that?
You explained you don't like being put in a position like that, but, with respect, you know prior to visiting that this is going to happen.

Your sister doesn't sound like a nice person, but there's nothing you can do about that. You either learn to tolerate it or you reduce your contact with her.

You referred to it as "my taking over the home" - has your father left the house to you in his will? Or has it been agreed that you will buy your siblings out when he passes away? Because unless he's made provision for that then you have no more right to be in his house after he passes than I do. Unless he's left it to you and you only then any agreement you have with your siblings means nothing.

I'll be honest OP, it comes across like you want to start "working on" your sister now to make her more agreeable, to pre-empt any trouble from her when your father dies and the question of what happens with the house comes up.
I don't see any other reason for medicalising her bad behaviour - cos that's all it is. Talking behind people's backs is bad behaviour. Being rude and difficult is bad behaviour. She's a bit of a bitch and she says she doesn't have any issues - and she's probably right.

You say that the rest of the family agree she's "a problem" - why are they allowed to talk about her behind her back but she can't have the same privilege?

People are funny when it comes to property and money. A sibling or relative you're close to can turn on you if there's a difference of opinion over inheritance. Your nice sister could change her mind after the fact. You'd be better off making sure that there is legal provision made in your father's affairs for what you and your siblings have agreed, than "working on" your sister.

Tell me if I'm being harsh, but I'll be honest, this all sounds way more like yourself and relatives beginning to circle the wagons against your difficult sister because you think she is going to be a problem for you after your father passes away. Otherwise I don't see how the issues are connected.

Gerianam

Surely your siblings have the same rights to the family home as you do.

zapper55

You tell your sibling their home is hostile and dysfunctional and you wonder why there's a problem? You sound quite condescending OP.

Also you living in your dad's house doesn't give you any more rights than the others. I suspect your "nice" sibling just tells you what you want to hear.

What should you do? Stop visiting the sibling you don't like and realise that when your dad passes you'll have to either buy out your siblings or take your share and rent or buy elsewhere.

Also, it's quite grubby and entitled to be so concerned about your inheritance before the person even dies.

I hope my parents leave their kids nothing when they pass (which I hope is a long time away) as I hope they spend it all having a bloody great time.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

Hi OP

Well you've two separate issues really that are not connected - except you've connected them and identified a problem for you. Not for your sister.

Your sibling sounds difficult, and doesn't sound like a nice person, but she doesn't sound like she has any issues to be treated. She just sounds rude, sly and a bit of a bitch. A doctor can't treat any of these things unfortunately.
OP if you don't like your sister or enjoy her company and she treats you badly then limit your contact with her. If you are made feel unwelcome when you visit, then clearly you are unwelcome as a visitor - don't visit. She doesn't want you there, neither does her partner and why should you put yourself in a position where you are being treated like that?
You explained you don't like being put in a position like that, but, with respect, you know prior to visiting that this is going to happen.

Your sister doesn't sound like a nice person, but there's nothing you can do about that. You either learn to tolerate it or you reduce your contact with her.

You referred to it as "my taking over the home" - has your father left the house to you in his will? Or has it been agreed that you will buy your siblings out when he passes away? Because unless he's made provision for that then you have no more right to be in his house after he passes than I do. Unless he's left it to you and you only then any agreement you have with your siblings means nothing.

I'll be honest OP, it comes across like you want to start "working on" your sister now to make her more agreeable, to pre-empt any trouble from her when your father dies and the question of what happens with the house comes up.
I don't see any other reason for medicalising her bad behaviour - cos that's all it is. Talking behind people's backs is bad behaviour. Being rude and difficult is bad behaviour. She's a bit of a bitch and she says she doesn't have any issues - and she's probably right.

You say that the rest of the family agree she's "a problem" - why are they allowed to talk about her behind her back but she can't have the same privilege?

People are funny when it comes to property and money. A sibling or relative you're close to can turn on you if there's a difference of opinion over inheritance. Your nice sister could change her mind after the fact. You'd be better off making sure that there is legal provision made in your father's affairs for what you and your siblings have agreed, than "working on" your sister.

Tell me if I'm being harsh, but I'll be honest, this all sounds way more like yourself and relatives beginning to circle the wagons against your difficult sister because you think she is going to be a problem for you after your father passes away. Otherwise I don't see how the issues are connected.

Thank you for reply. I should have stated that our fathers will states that the house is left to all the siblings, when my marriage broke down and homeless I did ask could I move into the house and eventually buy the home from the precedes of my marital home and it was agreed I could by all siblings.
The "Talking behind her back" is not true, if you or anyone see a family member slowly distancing themselves from everyone, their attitude and demeanor changing would you not ask another family member had they noticed something different about XXX?