Relationship Mess

LegacyUser

Posting annonymous for this one

I'm a woman in mid 40's - been with a lovely guy for last 8 years.
We are both separated and We live an hours drive apart
Between shift work and kids we only see each other about once every 2 weeks

A couple of years ago i found out he likes to wear womens clothing, makeup, heels etc.

Whilst I was surprised initally, I thought - hey why not embrace this new side of my partner. He won't dress for me, although says he will - he never follows it up.

However i've found him on websites with a crossdresser profile looking to 'engage' with other cross dressers. I found him on these sites, by setting up a 'fake' account and bingo - he messages me

So we had it out. He promised to delete profiles. I promised the same but have recently found out he hasn't deleted them all.

He has assured me he hasn't met anyone. He maintains he is straight.
I maintain its cheating, albeit online cheating, he says its not cos he's not physically touching them. He's distracted and not giving me the attention that he always used to give me.

He argues that i'm snooping

I wasn't snooping - i merely added his email address to the password reset window and bingo, he gets the password reset link and goes mad as hes thinking i'm trying to hack his cross dresser account.

I argue that he shouldn't be on these sites if he is sexually happily with me. He won't answer me when I ask him 'why are you on these sites'.

Now he's threatening me with 'i won't talk to you for a bit if i have to delete these accounts'
Is this not infantile behaviour ??

He never drives the hour to come and see me - its always me doing the driving up to his because i'm still in the 'family home'

There's no plan of commitment despite me asking

Just feel very betrayed, very unloved

I actually can't believe i'm writing this!!
We both promised each other at the start there'd be none of this given the awful marriages we were in

antix80

Partner is a CrossDresser wrote: »

We both promised each other at the start there'd be none of this given the awful marriages we were in

I think you found out the reason his marriage was awful.

He has issues with his sexuality and fantasises about dressing like a woman while meeting other men dressed as women to fulfil his sexual fantasies. (Have I got that right?)

He's also emotionally blackmailing you that if you do x he'll do y.

LegacyUser

You've been quite open-minded and supportive, and yet he still went behind your back to message other people. You've expressed that you aren't happy with him doing this, and he won't support you or even try to engage with you like an adult.

If it were me, I would feel like this is a betrayal and I would cut my losses now. You deserve better, and I hope you know that. Even if he changed his tune and promised to stay off the websites, would you trust him?

ILoveYourVibes

Most crossdressers hang out with other crossdressers as their other persona. There is usually nothing sexual in it.

They do 'engage' in life and online on crossdressing specific websites...but they just chat usually non sexually.


Like they go out for dinner with each other etc. They don't shag though.

If he says he is straight he probably is.

Also because crossdressing is kind of pushed into the area of kinks etc a lot of the websites can be put on sexual websites ...like kink websites or sites for drag queens ...it still doesn't mean crossdressers get a sexual kick out of it or are there for sexual reasons.

Just thought i would say.

SusieBlue

Take away the cross dressing element and look at it for what it is. You have caught your partner attempting to engage sexually with other people online. Doesn't matter if its other cross dressers, a man, or a woman.
He has betrayed your trust and been extremely disrespectful. I think your course of action would be a lot clearer if you had found him on Plenty of Fish or Tinder, the cross dressing element is muddying the waters.
But the principle is the same - he has betrayed your trust.

FWIW I know of a couple who went through a similar thing and he ended up guilt tripping her into forgiving him by implying she was bigoted against his cross dressing for having a problem with it. I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but he shouldn't get a free pass just because of that aspect of his life.

Attempting to cheat is attempting to cheat and its unacceptable.

That's a tough situation. Particularly if there was lying/hiding things in your marriage, I can see why this would be driving you crazy.

At the same time, he's entitled to have his own private interests and you can't force someone to expose personal things they don't want to. In my experience, when someone in a relationship hasn't been open with you, then even when they do tell you what you want to know, you won't believe them anyway.

Can you imagine any resolution that ends up with you trusting him? When you checked whether his email address was listed or not, surely you knew the truth already. You knew he wasn't being honest. Once you've had that feeling, I can't see how you'll ever feel 100% assured that he's telling you everything.

JustAThought

Ok so your partner is a cross dresser and likes to involve himself in that - privately. You are being supportive and would.like.him to.dress for.you but he has not engaged with that - you are being open and honest and in fairness fairly openminded about it all, but he prefers this aspect of his life to be something he does seperate you your relationship.

Now you find he is wanting to get more involved in the cross dressing scene rather than 'just 'do it privately. There is a big cross dressing scene with places you can meet & be dressed up,be taught to do make uo,dress up in 'hired' clothes and hang out in private 'club' areas with others also cross dressed, or go out with others in the attire. He may be dabbling in some or want to expand into different aspects of this and share and discuss this with other crossdressing men. You have to admit its not a typical hobby. He dosn't want to share this with you (which you already know) or for you and your perspective to be part of his hobby. Which is fair enough. I imagine if.it was flyfishing or rugby you probably wouodn't be as concerned or interested.

You possibly see or fear it as a sex thing or possibly see it as a threat or think it may become one. This is not necessarily the case and an interest in cross dressing dosn't necessarily meanthat he is gay or a supressed gay or wants to be physically be with another man in that way.

He is right about you snòoping and I guess in something like this its normal to be worried and to want to see whats going in and know where you stand. I wonder how did.you find out in the first place? I would imagine it would be a fairly well hidden secret and not one he would want others to know about . This may be part of his reaction to your digging as would be for any private matter or secret you want to keep.

As regarding both of your ultimatums I can't imagine he would want to.give it up or in the circumstances you describe in your living conditions- have to - he can carry on without you knowing or it being part of.your life. All he has to do is set up anew email and clear his history. It's obviously important to.him and he want to meet and share it with like.minded men and share/discuss/swap clothes/ male makeuup/techniques whatever. It must be very hard but I would apologise and say you are sorry and say you don't want him to give it up or share it with you but that are worried about sexual infidelity and this underpins your worry and reaction to it. See what he says. There is no guarantee it will never happen as part of his experimentation but equally cross dressing is not necessarily a sex thing - he may have zero interest in that aspect at all - but I expect you need to have this expressed and confirmed.

As regards your relationship after 8 years and all of your 30's spent with one person I would have imagined you might have evolved into something more than sex and a visit once a fortnight and him never making the effort. Ypu say he is a lovely man. No doubt he is. But in terms of a long term relationship perhaps you are worth more than no effort to meet up and sex twice a month... Maybe your relationship is somewhere for you both to hide and be confortable rather than evolve into a mature long term loving shared household and partnership. Perhaps its time to be friends and find someone who you can have a more typical loving relationship with and not just visits for sex with a lovely man occasionally - seperate to the entire crossdressing factor.

Dial Hard

SusieBlue wrote: »

Take away the cross dressing element and look at it for what it is. You have caught your partner attempting to engage sexually with other people online.

Was he trying to engage sexually with them, though??? To me, that wasn't necessarily clear. It sounds very possible that he may have just been trying to link in with other people in the community as a "shared hobby" kind of thing. I think the OP needs to establish which it was, first and foremost.

SusieBlue

Dial Hard wrote: »

Was he trying to engage sexually with them, though??? To me, that wasn't necessarily clear. It sounds very possible that he may have just been trying to link in with other people in the community as a "shared hobby" kind of thing. I think the OP needs to establish which it was, first and foremost.

I would imagine if he was using them to make platonic connections he would have been clear about it, but OP said:

I argue that he shouldn't be on these sites if he is sexually happily with me. He won't answer me when I ask him 'why are you on these sites'.

His intentions don't appear to be honest and innocent if he won't even discuss why he's using the sites.

OP will need to clarify to be sure though. My advice would be completely different if he was using them for friendship purposes but that doesn't appear to be the case.

Neyite

Was the chat inappropriate or crossing a boundary on these sites? The answer to that I think should guide your decision. If it was flirty chat then regardless of a shared interest, I wouldn't be happy with it, especially if you are being specifically compartmentalised out of that part of his life.


You can't force him to give up these groups, he doesn't want to. So he will either dump you and continue, or find ways to be more secretive behind your back and that's not good either. And unless he's sat ignoring you while talking online to his friends you can't dictate who he speaks to outside of your time together - you can take exception to the kind of chat that could occur but not the former.



Those things aside, you seem to be making all the effort in the relationship, you are still at the dating stage after 8 years together so maybe ask yourself is it all worth the bother.

TCM

Having read the OP, I simply say that you need to get drop this gent post haste.

Emme

OP we'll forget about the cross dressing for the moment.

You've been with this man for 8 years and he never drives to see you. That doesn't reflect well on him even if you do live in the family home. Have you been for weekends away or on holidays together?

After 8 years why haven't you moved the relationship on from seeing one another every two weeks? Are you tied down with duties such as caring? Has he got similar ties?

If you are happy seeing each other every two weeks that's fine. Dishonesty isn't fine and neither is you doing all the running.

Seeing you every 2 weeks probably suited him because he could live his other crossdressing life in the meantime. Plenty of couples have happy relationships when one partner is a crossdresser. If he is not willing to share that part of his life with you and be honest with you it might be time to question your arrangement with him.

You have no plan of commitment after 8 years. You do all the driving to see him. He threatens not to talk to you if he has to delete his online life that doesn't include you. What are you getting out if this relationship apart from not being single?

Even if you are on your own it is better than being with somebody who doesn't respect your wishes.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies folks and i really appreciate the input and feedback

The first profile was on a porn site with photos of him dressed - so whilst i didn't go logging into his account, the very nature of the site suggests there is more than talking about makeup

The second profile was on an account dedicated to transgenders, crossdressers etc.

I just don't get it. If I was in an online an account and it upset him, I would just delete it. End of. I don't want to upset him. Simples.
But he argues with me, as to why. Says I'm 'pushing & probing' when ironically he appears to be doing the 'pushing' of boundaries - hes very lucky to have a woman like me that is so accommodating and understanding of his hobbie but yet he's still online.
No commitment from him either etc

Our sex life was fantastic but he can't ejaculate inside me. Just another thing that makes me feel less valued as a woman.
Lately he doesn't even sit beside me on the sofa and is constantly distracted on his phone. I call on Tuesday after not seeing him for 2 weeks. I sat on the sofa on my own while we both watched a movie and while we engage in pillow talk, theres no physical closeness. Can't have sex as hes not well with his back and i have a kidney infection.
But ironically if theres a game of golf in the morning at the other end of the country, hes gone

As i'm typing this i think i have my answer.
Its me doing all the effort into this.
I don't ask for much and the little i ask for is not respected
I'm very sad but I deserve better

yosser hughes

Hello OP.
Have a look at this thread below. You will find it useful and it will give you some insight in to the issue. I strongly recommend you have a look at it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3101834-trans-widows-escape-committee

zoe 3619

You do deserve better,and you do need to get rid.
Sounds like the cross dressing isn't the biggest problem in your relationship.

cloudatlas

Partner is a CrossDresser wrote: »

Our sex life was fantastic but he can't ejaculate inside me. Just another thing that makes me feel less valued as a woman.
Lately he doesn't even sit beside me on the sofa and is constantly distracted on his phone. I call on Tuesday after not seeing him for 2 weeks. I sat on the sofa on my own while we both watched a movie and while we engage in pillow talk, theres no physical closeness. Can't have sex as hes not well with his back and i have a kidney infection.
But ironically if theres a game of golf in the morning at the other end of the country, hes gone

As i'm typing this i think i have my answer.
Its me doing all the effort into this.
I don't ask for much and the little i ask for is not respected
I'm very sad but I deserve better

Sex isn't all about penile penetration and ejaculation, if he is loving in other ways and pleases you in bed it shouldn't matter. The porn site doesn't equate to cheating it sounds like it is exhibitionism and that he is indulging his kink but in fairness if you put a limit on certain websites because of concerns then he should listen you have a right to your boundaries but I don't think it's fair to tell someone they can't indulge a kink because you aren't involved in it. Involving you may not be part of the fantasy. If he is doing it too much then he should cut back but you come across as quite controlling, it doesn't sound like he is withholding sex.

ILoveYourVibes

Partner is a CrossDresser wrote: »

The first profile was on a porn site with photos of him dressed - so whilst i didn't go logging into his account, the very nature of the site suggests there is more than talking about makeup

I know you won't believe this. But it really is because it's hard to find other places online not connected with sex for the community.

He probably wishes there were more options.

I am not telling you how to feel or what you are feeling is not valid.

But i know so many guys like this on those sites. Some are gay some are straight....for the straight ones its the only place they can go. They have no interest in men whatsoever they just like to wear women's clothing sometimes.

Sometimes when something is unacceptable to general society people get pushed into weird corners that is what has happened to the straight male cross dressing community.

Having said all that your feelings are your feelings. I don't think you mean to be controlling. I guess you are just worried about being hurt etc.

Ultimately its your decision on whether this relationship is right for you or not. And there is no right or wrong decision.

You can always talk to him etc and ask questions and then see how you feel. Maybe it will help you decide.

Good luck anyway OP. I hope you feel happier soon.

Bye.

suicide_circus

Partner is a CrossDresser wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies folks and i really appreciate the input and feedback

The first profile was on a porn site with photos of him dressed - so whilst i didn't go logging into his account, the very nature of the site suggests there is more than talking about makeup

The second profile was on an account dedicated to transgenders, crossdressers etc.

I just don't get it. If I was in an online an account and it upset him, I would just delete it. End of. I don't want to upset him. Simples.
But he argues with me, as to why. Says I'm 'pushing & probing' when ironically he appears to be doing the 'pushing' of boundaries - hes very lucky to have a woman like me that is so accommodating and understanding of his hobbie but yet he's still online.
No commitment from him either etc

Our sex life was fantastic but he can't ejaculate inside me. Just another thing that makes me feel less valued as a woman.
Lately he doesn't even sit beside me on the sofa and is constantly distracted on his phone. I call on Tuesday after not seeing him for 2 weeks. I sat on the sofa on my own while we both watched a movie and while we engage in pillow talk, theres no physical closeness. Can't have sex as hes not well with his back and i have a kidney infection.
But ironically if theres a game of golf in the morning at the other end of the country, hes gone

As i'm typing this i think i have my answer.
Its me doing all the effort into this.
I don't ask for much and the little i ask for is not respected
I'm very sad but I deserve better

"game of golf"

writing is on the wall OP

Ursus Horribilis

This sounds like a relationship begging for someone to shout Stop! Leaving aside all that cross-dressing/online stuff which would be a dealbreaker for me, there are even bigger red flags here. If someone had told you 8 years ago that you'd still be living an hour apart, meeting up once a fortnight and that you were the one expected to do the travelling, what would you have done? I think to a certain extent both of you have been using each other and this routine. How can a relationship grow or be meaningful when you're still at a half-hearted dating stage? If the pair of you were destined to make this work, you'd have managed it by now. Given the turn of events, it might be just as well that all of this has blown up. It might finally give you the push you need to put this out of its misery.

meeeeh

Forget about crossdressing part. You are together 8 years, you make all the effort meeting him and even after asking he didn't offer you any reply about further commitment. Does it matter if he cheats or not, you deserve better than this anyway. What you have would be fine for friends with benefits relationship but you don't even have sex anymore.