made a mess of stuff

LegacyUser

this time last year things were going great, I had a great job and was happy. Sadly my family got some bad news .
I took it particularly bad for 2 reasons, 1 although inevitable I didnt want it to happen, 2: I knew in the aftermath things could get very rough for me, as I am the family "fixer"

I started to sleep very badly and despite the doctors trying a multitude of prescriptions my sleep got worse and worse - as bad as 1 hr per night.
I started to have some not so helpful thoughts and started to take it out on my work colleague and friend.

The colleague was very forgiving, and told me they fully understood and was trying to help me out. ( I think part of the issue was they were enabling me, but I;m not making excuses )
Anyway, things very quickly went downhill after xmas and they went from being understanding 1 day to reporting me to our boss the next.
I have no issue with this, wrong as it is it was better for me to go anyway.

Also the timing was good as I needed time while the inevitable happened, and I was around for the family to sort some things.

I've started sleeping again (mostly), I've got a new job, (some would say a promotion) and I think I have bounced back well.
The thing is, I cannot draw a line under this. I am constantly thinking about the old job, the way things happened and the fact my colleague probably hates me - in fairness my being fired ( whether they wanted it or not ) must have been sh1t for them too.

Can anyone help me figure out how I can just let this go and move on ?

Emme

OP well done for getting through this. You're sleeping again and you have a new job.

I would advise you to forget the past. If your former friend/colleague had your best interests at heart he/she would have pulled you aside when you were difficult due to lack of sleep. They would have told you to cop on and asked if they could have helped. They might have told you to see if you could get support in HR. If you continued your sleep deprived behaviour they might have told you to get help or else they would go to HR about you.

From what you said they let things escalate while "helping" you and then reported you. You got fired. Not the actions of a friend. Definitely the actions of somebody you should avoid where possible. If you are in the same professional field and meet as a result be cordial with them but don't engage with them. Move on and leave the past behind.

Kenny B

Emme wrote: »

OP well done for getting through this. You're sleeping again and you have a new job.

I would advise you to forget the past. If your former friend/colleague had your best interests at heart he/she would have pulled you aside when you were difficult due to lack of sleep. They would have told you to cop on and asked if they could have helped. They might have told you to see if you could get support in HR. If you continued your sleep deprived behaviour they might have told you to get help or else they would go to HR about you.

From what you said they let things escalate while "helping" you and then reported you. You got fired. Not the actions of a friend. Definitely the actions of somebody you should avoid where possible. If you are in the same professional field and meet as a result be cordial with them but don't engage with them. Move on and leave the past behind.

I'll disagree with pretty much all this,

You clearly say they helped you (as they thought best I guess), but you remained on the same path and they finally snapped, after all it is a work colleague not a mate, so as far as I can see, they did enough for you.

Advice about moving on and leaving the past behind you or Forget the past is nonsense - when you were the one in the wrong and I think you accept that you were at fault.

Now you can see a bit clearer and getting on top of everything. I'd message saying no hard feelings etc..and then it'll let you move on,

Emme

Kenny B wrote: »

I'll disagree with pretty much all this,

You clearly say they helped you (as they thought best I guess), but you remained on the same path and they finally snapped, after all it is a work colleague not a mate, so as far as I can see, they did enough for you.

Advice about moving on and leaving the past behind you or Forget the past is nonsense - when you were the one in the wrong and I think you accept that you were at fault.

Now you can see a bit clearer and getting on top of everything. I'd message saying no hard feelings etc..and then it'll let you move on,

I think that colleague should have stepped in to stop things escalating so far. It's low to wait until things get so bad that you report someone in the OP's situation. Bullying and sexual harassment should be reported but you don't do a Judas and kick someone when they're at rock bottom.

The OP could message the former colleague if he or she really wants but keep it short and impersonal. This person sh@t on the OP when things were really bad. If they had gone to the boss earlier it might have helped the OP.

madeamessofstuff

madeamessofstuff wrote: »

I started to have some not so helpful thoughts and started to take it out on my work colleague and friend.

things very quickly went downhill after xmas and they went from being understanding 1 day to reporting me to our boss the next.

What did they report? That you were having "unhelpful thoughts" or that you weren't doing your job properly (or something like that).

madeamessofstuff wrote: »

I have no issue with this, wrong as it is it was better for me to go anyway.

Can anyone help me figure out how I can just let this go and move on ?

It sounds like you do have an issue with this. For you, does moving on involve mending the relationship with your colleague (on the understanding that they did no wrong) or something else?

LegacyUser

OP here again.
We had become very friendly over a number of years.
I had said I wanted to remove myself from the situation a number of times and they asked me not to, said it was nothing, and that we could get through it together. I had flagged to all involved that I wasn’t in a good place long before this. This was as far as the help went really.

They ultimately 'snapped' when I said I was going to talk to management and remove myself from the situation, it was an act of self-preservation and an attempt to get their side across before I did. They went nuclear effectively. I sat back, accepted all blame and was basically then fired without any real opportunity or mind to defend myself. So yes I do believe it was wrong.

I have no intention on making an issue for anyone or any organisation, yes I messed up, and I paid the price.

Either way, I am not really looking to apportion blame or look for revenge. I understand people will have done much worse, and have had much worse done to them and been able to move on.

What I am asking for advice on is how do I walk away and let this go,? I want to get back to where I wasn’t thinking about this regularly and feeling sh*t about it.

2 fast

Firstly, you need to forgive yourself and the other people involved. You might think you've done this but deep down you probably haven't. There's some great minful technique out there to help you reflex and move on. Would you try some counselling to help you move pass this block? If you're into spirituality and healing, people have found things like reiki or pranic healing helpful.

Congrats on coming around and getting back on your feet, that is an amazing thing to do after a situation like this, everything is relative none of us can compare, things affect us all differently. best of luck

Emme

madeamessofstuff wrote: »

OP here again.
We had become very friendly over a number of years.
I had said I wanted to remove myself from the situation a number of times and they asked me not to, said it was nothing, and that we could get through it together. I had flagged to all involved that I wasn’t in a good place long before this. This was as far as the help went really.

They ultimately 'snapped' when I said I was going to talk to management and remove myself from the situation, it was an act of self-preservation and an attempt to get their side across before I did. They went nuclear effectively. I sat back, accepted all blame and was basically then fired without any real opportunity or mind to defend myself. So yes I do believe it was wrong

So they went to management first to cover their own ass before you went to management to seek help. From what I understand they tried to stop you from talking to management about the issue.

Did you work in a team together? Often in work teams there is one very competent person who "carries" the rest of the team or deals with more complex tasks and challenges more effectively. If you were that person and you felt you weren't able to do that any more it was perfectly understandable. Perhaps it was time for you to move on to better things anyway.

If you think it would help by all means send your ex-colleague a card saying what you want to say. Be sure to tell them that things have worked out well for you and you now have a better job. It might be best not to give them much other information such as where you work now or other contact details they don't have already.

Don't worry about what the company thinks of you having fired you. Now that you are gone they might see things a bit differently. That doesn't matter now, you have moved on to better things.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

So they went to management first to cover their own ass before you went to management to seek help. From what I understand they tried to stop you from talking to management about the issue.

Did you work in a team together? Often in work teams there is one very competent person who "carries" the rest of the team or deals with more complex tasks and challenges more effectively. If you were that person and you felt you weren't able to do that any more it was perfectly understandable. Perhaps it was time for you to move on to better things anyway.

If you think it would help by all means send your ex-colleague a card saying what you want to say. Be sure to tell them that things have worked out well for you and you now have a better job. It might be best not to give them much other information such as where you work now or other contact details they don't have already.

Don't worry about what the company thinks of you having fired you. Now that you are gone they might see things a bit differently. That doesn't matter now, you have moved on to better things.

thank you.

it was a personal issue between us. Things got a bit nuts, and I ballsed it up.

Part of my issue is I have a huge sense of loss for the position and the friendships I made there, including theirs.
I dont know what would help, the truth is that person could have 10 ways they could contact me if they want to. They didnt after some stuff happened me since I left - everyone else in the company reached out, they didnt.

I could write an anonymous letter and apologise, but if I wrote and they didnt come back with something I would be way worse than I am now.

I just want to be able to see it for what it really was, a job, and a few acquaintances. It's over, I've got to move on.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I can't follow this at all.

What situation were you talking about removing yourself from? A work project? What was the reason you were fired, what did they report to the boss?

Emme

madeamessofstuff wrote: »

thank you.

it was a personal issue between us. Things got a bit nuts, and I ballsed it up.

Part of my issue is I have a huge sense of loss for the position and the friendships I made there, including theirs.
I dont know what would help, the truth is that person could have 10 ways they could contact me if they want to. They didnt after some stuff happened me since I left - everyone else in the company reached out, they didnt.

I just want to be able to see it for what it really was, a job, and a few acquaintances. It's over, I've got to move on.

OP it seems like that person didn't care about you and only wanted you for what you could do for them in work. Your other colleagues reached out to you, they didn't. Once you were no longer of use to that person they didn't want to know.

Perhaps some counselling would help you get things in perspective. You seem to be mourning a "friendship" that was nothing but a work acquaintanceship.

It's important to have a life and friends outside work. Often people who work hard and are good at their jobs don't do this. You said you didn't want revenge but even if you don't it is best for the other person to see you living well. Move on and forget the past

rainbowtrout

Your employer had to have fairly concrete grounds to fire you. What exactly happened? Because your description says you were having personal issues and they were affecting your work, and initially your colleagues were understanding, but the reason you got fired seems to be something unrelated to this.

Ursus Horribilis

Now that you're back on your feet, I think you'd be better served trying to work on yourself. This all stemmed from you being a "fixer" and going to pieces in a major way. I get the impression that this isn't the first time this has happened but that this time around, things spiralled out of control. You need to work on your boundaries (why are you the self-nominated "fixer"?) and to develop a better way of dealing with problems. You clearly lack the tool set and a support system for dealing with major problems. Even now, after the event, I'm picking up on your fragility.

You can't change what happened but you can take steps to try and ensure there is no repeat of this. That's what you should pay your attention to, not raking over old ground.

I have to admit I'm a bit confused as to what actually happened with your colleague as well. It does sound like you sought help in the wrong places and were let down. Is this another boundaries issue?

AulWan

madeamessofstuff wrote: »

I had said I wanted to remove myself from the situation a number of times and they asked me not to, said it was nothing, and that we could get through it together. I had flagged to all involved that I wasn’t in a good place long before this. This was as far as the help went really.

They ultimately 'snapped' when I said I was going to talk to management and remove myself from the situation, it was an act of self-preservation and an attempt to get their side across before I did. They went nuclear effectively.

An act of self-preservation, on their part, or yours?

I could be reading this wrong, but it sounds like they tried to support you (you mention you think they enabled you) and in doing so they may have put themselves in a compromising position. Would you going to management have backlashed on them also? Were they covering for you in some way?