Sister In Law issues

LegacyUser

Not sure who to turn to. Am regular poster but want to stay anon for this one. Married (happily) a long time with an adult "child". My better half is the eldest of three children. He has never been overly close with his family - not necessarily his doing - just the way they are in general as a group. For a long time his youngest sibling has not engaged with any of the family. He has some "issue" that he has on very rare occasions eluded to his mother, with his siblings and extended family and the result is he doesn't speak to any of them. He won't say what the issue is and won't broach it with them. It's a stalemate.

A few years ago the father in law died. This left the MIL living alone. The funeral went as these things should with no significant difference to any other funeral. However, at the months mind we noticed that the middle sibling was very abrupt in any discussions. My husband decided to ring in the following weeks to resolve things. It was a this point that he was told I (as his wife) had somehow caused this situation - how I caused it was not explained. The result has been that the second sibling, along with their adult children, have completely stopped all contact with us - this includes god-children and great nephews/nieces. I have never been told what the issue was/is.

A considerable period of time has now passed with the situation remaining at an impasse. I feel bad for my husband but don't know how to try to resolve things or if I even should ………..

antix80

It's up to your husband if he wants to find out. Not a lot you can do.

Flash dance

antix80 wrote: »

It's up to your husband if he wants to find out. Not a lot you can do.

I'm not sure I agree. If I was being blamed for a big family fall-out I would sure as shít want to know what I was supposed to have done.

amcalester

The sister in law is making a play for the full inheritance.

wiggle16

Have you attempted to contact them yourself?

What does your husband think? What would he think about contacting them now?

I don't know if there's much you can do but if it were me and I was told I had "caused" so much upset I would want to know what it was.

It doesn't sound hopeful really... plenty of people don't get on with their in-laws but it seems extreme to cut off all contact with your sibling over something their partner did or apparently did. It doesn't sound like a rational or reasonable decision and maybe that just how these people are. Is the MIL aware of all this?

What exactly did your sister-in-law say? She has to have said something more than "your wife is the problem, goodbye forever" and then cut off contact with her brother, and have her family all follow suit??

.......

This sounds like the kind of toxic parenting that I was also exposed to.

Lots of huffs, perceived offences, acting the vicitm and refusing to speak to people without telling them what they did wrong because if they cared they would "know".

Its nonsense. Usually peddled by attention seeking fools who are trying to control people.

I would bet that middle sibling is trying to disinherit the other two.

wiggle16

....... wrote: »

I would bet that middle sibling is trying to disinherit the other two.

In the absence of any inklings about the perceived slight, this would seem likely to be the case.

I assume your husband is still in touch with his mother? What does she make of it?

pwurple

Funny isn't it, how the youngest and middle sibling and their children can all talk among themselves about this "issue", but it cannot be spoken to you or your husband. This is most likely because it is either hugely exaggerated, or just plain made up.

They seem like utter cowards. Taking this action of excluding you all, without even a discussion, because of what can only be described as gossip?


If it was me, I would confront them about it, banging on their door if needed, because I think you are being very unfairly treated here.

heretochat

I would go with the possible disinheriting angle as well.

I am speaking from unfortunate experience where there is a sole parent left alive and other siblings have cut me out and basically blackened my name with extended family etc.

I see it for what it is but am comfortable enough that it doesn't take over my life.

No advice on what to do. It's your husband's battle in my opinion.

That's terrible OP, but I'd just stay out of it.

If your husband wants to do something that's up to him.

Xterminator

true-or-false wrote: »

I'd just stay out of it.

i agree. OP it really is only an issue for you, if you let it become one.

the saying 'no skin off my nose' comes to mind.

If hubby is upset, he should discuss with his mum, and reasonable siblings.

seamus

I would tend to agree with the assessment that the middle child is monopolising the mother so as to be the only one perceived to care about her, and inherit everything.

She may or may not have told the mother what this made-up offence was.

Either way, the mother is the key here. No point in trying to broach it with the sibling because she's not interested in resolving a problem she invented.

Your husband should go see his mother, just to see how she is. Without you.

Call her, tell her he's going to be "in the area" later on and is planning on calling in to see her.

Aside from trying to sort out the issue, she is still his mother and won't be around soon enough, so for his own sake he should go see her.

Once that contact has been re-established he can try and figure out WTF is going on. Once your mother in law knows that nothing actually happened, then the sibling has no ground to stand on and will look like an idiot.

pwurple

The posters here are very tolerant altogether. There's a quiet life, and there's being a doormat.

If someone was sneaking around behind my back telling people I was the cause of breaking up a family, I'd go through them for a shortcut.


Don't mind getting your husband to do the talking, that's only more Chinese whispers. Stand up for yourself and go have a good chat with that mope.

seamus

pwurple wrote: »

The posters here are very tolerant altogether. There's a quiet life, and there's being a doormat.

If someone was sneaking around behind my back telling people I was the cause of breaking up a family, I'd go through them for a shortcut.

I think the reason people are pushing a softer approach is because of the OP's position.

Every family differs of course, but by and large if it's child-in-law versus biological child, then the family are always going to side with blood. So if the OP goes in all guns blazing, she risks validating whatever lies the in-law has been spreading.
At that stage truth is less relevant, the "problem" becomes the fact that the OP "attacked" the in-law.

Ideally it's the husband who would have exploded over this and called his sister to task, but since he hasn't I'm guessing that's not who he is, or it's not the family dynamic. So a more backdoor, less confrontational approach might be more his style.

pwurple

Yes, I hear you Séamus, softly softly would probably be good, especially as there are sensitive souls here. Damage is already done though... being blanked and excluded. Long term, what way out is there other than facing it? I don’t think it will blow over given the recent progression.

I am talking about being upfront, truthful and straightforward. Which in my experience is a pretty good way to resolve these. Festering and not talking gets disputes misremembered and overblown.

Something like this.

“Hey John, I hear I caused a problem for you. Can you tell me about it, let me understand “

Neyite

I think it's up to your husband to get to the bottom of it, and he should be doing that for you.


Unless he does know the reason and is keeping it from you? Something that he did or said but he's blaming you so he doesn't get flack from his sister?