Not over him?

LegacyUser

The story starts in the middle of spring 2014. I met a lovely guy, who I thought was everything I wanted and needed. We dated or so I thought for about 1 year and a bit...I say dated as I am not sure what that was. We would spend time together, but because of his job (cop) he would at times "disappear". He would keep in contact with me every other day and meet me but not too often. Over the course of the so called "relationship" I wanted a bit more...however at one stage he disappeared for about 3 months only to return...by calling me at night when he was drunk. It wasn't a booty call.
I asked him what does he want from me since he disappeared for 3 months without contact - he said nothing and that there's nothing between the two of us, I am just his call buddy.

Anyway this happened towards the middle of 2015 and shortly after I ended things with him by text, asked him not to contact me again, as it was obvious he wanted other things compared to what I wanted plus it was hard to forget his drunken call to me. When we met he lead me to believe he was looking for something serious.

So we said our goodbyes by text - he's reply to me was "i don't know what to say" and never heard from him again. I moved on (or so I thought) until yesterday when I found out he is married, and married since 2017. I was shattered - I felt my heart broke once again there and then - even though I am with someone else, at times I think about him and what it could have been.

Ursus Horribilis

So what exactly do you think "could have been"? It takes two people to make a relationship work and it's plain as the nose on your face that he wasn't into you. You know and I know that when you end up "dating" people people who disappear, don't reply to your texts and have you unsure where you stand, you're not going to live happily ever after. I've got a fella like that in my past and while I cringe at how naive I was, I'm glad it happened. It was a great lesson to learn. It's amazing how you can lie to yourself, make up excuses for why he's not making contact and fill in those blanks when you like someone. I get the distinct impression that you never ever moved past that fantasy stage. Even though his actions were telling you he wasn't really all that pushed. Even though he told you to your face that there was nothing between you and that you were just his call buddy. At least he was being honest - you just didn't want to hear it.

And as you've found out, he didn't wait around too long when he did meet the woman he liked enough. I would bet every penny I have that once he met his now wife, his job didn't cause him to "disappear" or be too busy to text/call/meet up. You know it and I know it. Hopefully this kick in the teeth will finally put paid to this little fantasy that you've been carrying around with you. Even if you didn't know you were.

As to what to do next, that's up to you. Looks like you've got some thinking to do about your current relationship and how you really feel about him.

zapper55

Op he could have easily been with someone else at the time by the sound of his flakiness. Why are you obsessing over a relationship that ended 4 years ago? It's incredibly unhealthy.

Rubberchikken

what ifs and if onlys are a waste of time and life.
tbh its sounds like you're better off without him.
decent people dont disappear for lengths of time like you describe regardless of their job.

grieve for what might have been if you like but then move on and get on with your life.

Hannibal_Smith

I think the last text messages between you left things quite open and weren't 'closure'.

Maybe in your head by not replying you thought the door was open to you to go back at some stage. Now that door has been firmly shut?

If that's true then it's not abnormal for the grieving to have been delayed.

At the end of the day though, by the sounds of things there wasn't really much of a relationship there. You were up in the air a lot of the time.

Give yourself a moment and then move on. It's a good thing that he's married and there is now a full stop to it.

qwerty13

I think it sounds like he was in a relationship all along OP, while he was ‘with’ you. I’m sorry to be harsh, but was he ever really ‘with’ you. I’m afraid I get the feeling that he saw you during the down period of an up and down relationship. I don’t think it was ever a real relationship between you two.

I don’t say that to be cruel, but to say that I think you need to re-examine this ‘relationship’ that you’re pining over. I’m not sure it was ever real.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis - thank you for your frank words. I just want to make something clear, it was him always contacting me not the other way around. He was the one "chasing me" I promise it wasn't me contacting him...he was always the one who called, texted, asked to meet - always the one who made first contact. As a matter of fact I tried to ask him to leave me alone several times and he kept coming back, until the night when I asked him what exactly he wanted from me - after which I kinda put my foot down. I actually wouldn't be the one contacting him as I thought it was strange at times the way he acted.I wasn't living in fantasy land hence asking him to leave me alone and it took a few times to get it across to him properly. Anyway my little story was just a synopsis of a year and a half of pure TORMENT as I really did like him (liked him a lot). My point there was, how come after so many years when I found out he got married, I was shocked - I was a bit worried that I was shocked, and thought do I still have feelings for someone that I haven't seen or spoken to in 4 years? Even though I am very happy with my current partner.

The worst part is that something similar happened to me about 15 years ago - when again the guy I was dating for a while married someone else - only to try and reappear in my life a good few years later - for him to leave me alone I had to threaten him that I will contact his wife.

Having read everyone's replies I must admit everyone is right. I do believe I was just a filler in between an on/off relationship he was having. I'd say I wasn't the only one he was texting, Id say he had a few he was meeting/texting/chatting/kissing etc etc.

I am happy I managed to put this in black and white as now its very clear. Thank you @hannibal_smith @querty12 @Rubberchikken @zapper55 @Ursus Horribilis for your answers and I really appreciate the honesty. I just truly hope he doesn't resurface in my life (we do have friends in common).

leggo

The biggest twist to me here is that you’re with someone...who wants you...and you’re still pining over a lad who clearly didn’t give a slithery **** about you...four years ago.

Something isn’t right there OP. There are issues jumping off the page here and tbh you sound like you could be a ticking timebomb to end up seriously hurting the guy you’re with, who barely gets a mention here, and then making the whole problem a million times worse. These issues going unchecked are how people end up becoming the bad guys themselves to other people and falling down a rabbit hole. Get yourself to a counsellor ASAP and figure this out. None of this is normal.

woodchuck

My point there was, how come after so many years when I found out he got married, I was shocked - I was a bit worried that I was shocked, and thought do I still have feelings for someone that I haven't seen or spoken to in 4 years? Even though I am very happy with my current partner.

OP I don't think your reaction is that unusual. It sounds like this news has just temporarily reopened an old wound. You can feel shocked and hurt, but it doesn't (necessarily) mean you still have romantic feelings for him.

I had a somewhat similar experience with an ex, but we were in a serious relationship. We were together for over 7 years when he decided to break up with me. Two years later I found out he had gotten married. I was well and truely over him by that stage and realised that the breakup was actually a very lucky escape. But to say I was shocked and hurt is an understatement! It brought back old memories of the rejection and made me question why this new girl was good enough to marry, but I wasn't.

But... I got over it! And you will too. You're with someone else now and you say you're happy with them. Try and focus on this new relationship instead of what could have been.

LegacyUser

@leggo - you guys are much better than a counsellor and definitely more honest. Really no need to mention my current partner. My issues were with the past not the future. As Hannibal_Smith said - give yourself a moment and then just move on...which I did.

Once again thank you very much for all your honest replies - they were really appreciated.

LegacyUser

@woodchuck - you nailed it, I definitely don't have any romantic feelings towards him anymore.
I am seeing someone who is in the same line of work and they are so different in the way they treat me. They make me their priority. Which is really nice to see.
I was just trying to figure out certain things...but as others said, I was the filler in between his on/off relationship and probably not the only filler - guess I got the proper closure now.

Thanks a mill to everyone that replied...

leggo

I definitely think it's fair to wonder why you'd wonder "what could've been" with this guy who didn't seem to care about you at all, to the point of needing to post and seek advice, when you have a partner now who presumably does. A counsellor would help you get to the bottom of these issues. Their job isn't to 'be honest' with you, their job is to help you figure it out for yourself. And pining after someone that doesn't seem that significant, wondering what could've been etc, when that person is almost definitely not thinking of you IS odd when you've got someone else now. It suggests something is up internally with your ability to receive love in a healthy manner, and that stuff can go back to childhood or bad relationships in your past.

I get the 'jolt' you get when you see an ex get married. That's natural. I got it myself when I saw a person I was in a serious relationship got married a while back. But yeah, I was in a serious relationship with that person, we had our future children's names picked like. They didn't treat me badly, disappear for 3 months then say I was only a 'call buddy'. If someone did that to me, it'd certainly sting if I had high hopes for sure, but I wouldn't be asking myself "what could've been" four years later when happy with someone else.

You can choose to try shrug that off and pretend that it means nothing if you like. But ignoring those issues instead of asking questions is exactly how people end up waking up beside someone else out of the blue, or mistreating a decent person who only committed the crime of liking them. You're asking questions now, that's good, and you're getting answers. But why are you so resistant to the idea of speaking to someone and getting to the bottom of these lingering feelings, again for someone who didn't like you that much, if this is significant enough for you to post here?

LegacyUser

@leggo - I am not resisting anything. I am speaking to you and others here. Guess I feel much comfortable that way - behind a screen - I hope you don't mind? however this is the way I like to deal with my so called issues! I don't need to dive "deep inside me" to figure this out or get someone to help me along the way...or point me in the right direction.

I am not the type to use men (or hurt them) in order to get over someone or use men as fillers. I didn't start going out with my current partner until 3 and a half years ago - at that stage I hadn't spoken with him (shall we call him Paul) in 6 months. As mentioned further up I had a similar experience 15 years ago and I guess this time I wanted someone else's opinion not just the closest to me. I needed some hard truths, and trust me I really did take on board everything that was written, which helped a lot.

Again thanks for all the answers. Have a lovely day

Emme

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

And as you've found out, he didn't wait around too long when he did meet the woman he liked enough. I would bet every penny I have that once he met his now wife, his job didn't cause him to "disappear" or be too busy to text/call/meet up.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was with the woman he married in 2017 when he met the OP in 2014. When somebody is flaky like he was with the OP in 2014 there is a good chance that they are involved with somebody else and these people often don't stop cheating once they get married.

OP you are with someone now. Forget the past and focus on your current relationship. Consider it a lucky escape from the guy from 2014, he is probably not the faithful type.

If somebody turns up drunk or otherwise at an ungodly hour it's a booty call.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes people grow up or change their tune once Miss Right shows up. Doesn't matter now anyway. He's now someone else's problem or prize.

What puzzles me is why you seem to think his drunken call 3 months in wasn't a booty call. And that you're reading so much into it being him doing the chasing. It's easy to be nice and sweet talk yourself into someone's bed when you know they like you.

I hope I never clap eyes on my "fella" again but not because I've feelings for him. I'm mortified that I tolerated the crumbs he threw to me from the table. He was (is?) married and I didn't feel even the slightest twinge of regret when I found out. Just a "Jesus, what was I thinking?"

I hope this shock will go away soon and that you have a long hard think about your current relationship. Are you settling? Why are you hankering after a fantasy from years ago? What do you think you could have had with this fella that you're not getting with your current partner? Can it be changed?

leggo

I'll go a different way so, OP.

I remember we were having a big get together with a group of mates one year. A girl I'd casually dated but finished with was due to come. I'd been told but it didn't bother me, it didn't bother me that much if she was there while we were dating if I'm perfectly honest (I hadn't mistreated her, I had tried, it just wasn't there and I perhaps kept it going on too long because I'd gotten on so well with her friends and the social setup around it...who ironically I kept in the divorce). She showed up, I could tell she'd made an effort to look ****hot, made a point of saying hello and do the whole "show him what he's missing girl" deal and made a few choice digs throughout the night. All of it bounced off me because I just didn't care about her, I never had that much. I felt more sad for her at the end because I could tell it just hit her there that I didn't care and that I never had. There wasn't a trick she could pull that'd make that happen, lord knows she tried them all.

Do you wanna be like that? The person who thinks of it as this big thing when the other person barely remembers it happening? Your thread title is "Not over him", then it comes out that it wasn't that serious, it happened four years ago, and you have a new boyfriend for over 3 years now!

It's seriously time to let go of this fantasy OP. People don't go missing for 3 months on people that matter to them. There is no "What could've been". It could never have been anything because, I'm sorry, you never were anything to him. But you ARE something to someone now yet are still posting and thinking, years later, about this guy. You absolutely should be over him by now and whatever is stopping you from doing so is entirely in your head and not grounded in the reality of the situation. That's why I think it's about something else that's worth exploring and that this forum cannot just snap you out of it with some snappy advice.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the answers. Much appriciate it.

milli milli

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. I don’t like when people say, you ‘should’ be this, you ‘should’ be that, you ‘should’ be over someone by now. We are all different, we all feel & process things differently. We have no idea what went on with this person and this guy.

Yes it’s probably healthier to do this or that, but most people have their own messed up ways of dealing with things. They should really teach people how to have (all types of) relationships in school and how to deal with feelings and messed up upbringings - but they don’t. We all bumble through these things and (hopefully) figure things out eventually.

But having said all that there is a reason why certain people stick out in our minds and in our love histories. Have a read of this article from Psychology Today about why we obsess over people who don’t want us - https://www.google.ie/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201610/why-we-obsess-over-people-who-dont-want-us%3famp. So what the OP is feeling is not that strange after all.

LegacyUser

Thank you Milli Milli - I have read the article - great help. Thanks a mill.

Emme - I completely agree.

@ Ursus Horribilus - I think you might have misread what I have written initially - I asked him to leave me alone shortly after he called me around 2 pm towards the end of the so called relationship or fantasy as some call it. It couldn't be a booty call as he was in Cavan at the time and I was in Dublin. Bit of a distance for a booty call don't you think? Knowing him he wasn't the type to do that. FYI he was doing the chasing it wasn't just in my head. As someone else said I do believe I was a filler of some sort in between a breakdown of a relationship and soon after they reconciled.

@leggo - you must be a right catch for a woman to do that. Trust me I wouldn't be the sort to show up at a party just because some guy I "kinda" dated was there in the hope we rekindle our so called "love".
I will sound a bit narcissistic and full of myself which trust me am not, but I am pretty good looking and I don't have problems getting men. I was just maybe a bit hung up on him and wondered why not me and why her...what does she have that I don't??? I guess that question came into my mind when I heard he got married, as up until then, believe it or not he didn't really cross my mind.
More than likely I will figure things out by myself but I have to say you are right no one will be able to just give me snappy advice to resolve this. However trust me I have taken everything on board.

I just want to make a correction the title says "not over him", I forgot to put the question mark at the end. It was a question not a statement.
[Mod note: thread title updated]

leggo

Good to hear, OP. It’s not narcissistic to say that at all, I think Irishness makes us a bit bashful when saying positive things about ourselves (‘notions’ and all that), but it’s a good thing to know your value and make that high.

For what it’s worth, I find that rather comparing ex’s new partners to us, it’s a lot better to see things as a mutual ‘click’. If we say “There must be something wrong with me and better about them” when an ex rejects us and makes it work with someone else, it assumes that ex is perfect, which they’re not. Sometimes people just mess up and don’t realise what they had, often people have unhealthy attachment styles and are attracted to people that are bad for them and sometimes it’s two decent, healthy people who try but it just doesn’t work because they’re not compatible on complex levels they can’t control. It clicked for this guy and his partner when they met, same way it clicked for you and yours. There’s nothing necessarily ‘wrong’ with either of you. His judgement doesn’t define how valuable you are as a partner and it’s a choice to give him that mental power over you. So realise that, if that is so, it’s also a choice you can make to take that power away and choose to define yourself as something other than “the girl this guy didn’t want.”

LegacyUser

@ leggo - it’s a choice to give him that mental power over you. So realise that, if that is so, it’s also a choice you can make to take that power away and choose to define yourself as something other than “the girl this guy didn’t want.”

- agree 100% and thanks for your reply.

LegacyUser

OP, I think most of us have someone like that in the past. I know I do. Like you, I found out that he had married and it was a jolt. But rather than obsess over it I just sat with it, allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, and then I let go of it.

It was a surprise and a bit of a shock, but I knew I was over him and what I was feeling was only an echo of past emotions rather than a reanimation of those feelings.

If you're really over this guy, acknowledge the feelings but let them go.

LegacyUser

letitgo90 wrote: »

OP, I think most of us have someone like that in the past. I know I do. Like you, I found out that he had married and it was a jolt. But rather than obsess over it I just sat with it, allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, and then I let go of it.

It was a surprise and a bit of a shock, but I knew I was over him and what I was feeling was only an echo of past emotions rather than a reanimation of those feelings.

If you're really over this guy, acknowledge the feelings but let them go.

I am working though this now. Slowly and I know I will forget about this in a couple of weeks.