My Dad..

LegacyUser

going unregistered for this one.

I just wanted to write a few things about my father as I have just returned from living abroad for a few years. Ill try keep this brief enough. Basically I think my dad is starting to lose the run of himself mentally, very much physically and is sort of heading towards a tragic end to his life. He is not an old man (64) but it seems to me he has lost the will to look after himself and is almost willing himself to an early grave. he was at one point a fairly successful medical professional but had pretty much lost all his money and is barely keeping himself a float. his relationship with my mother was always toxic and pretty vicious and even though they officially separated about 6 years ago (once the bank took our house) the mutual hatred between the two of them is still ongoing. we are not close but we are in touch semi-regularly and i found it really upsetting when i met him over xmas and this past week. i do think he is starting to unravel mentally, he's become increasingly angry and hateful. i dont know what to do or say. he has friends and a partner (who he walked out on my mother for) who care about him (as do i and my brother) but he's isolating himself from people around him and several people have commented to me about his overall physical and mental well being. he's a chain smoker, haw awful psorriasis and is always dishelleved. it's really heart breaking. i have tried to suggest ways he can improve his life- his chronic gambling addiciton doesnt help- but he's too old to really change. i tell him to try live a happy life and focus on the good things he has. but he never does and he blames anyone and everyone for his current state and is consumed by resentment. i dont know what i can do except tell him im hear to support and help him anyway i can. and despite the fact that he pisses me off a lot, he's still my father and i dont want to see him like this. if he has a few years left in him, i hope he can at least have some peace and happiness. anyway, thanks for reading

antix80

He needs to see he has a problem - and usually that means hitting rock bottom. Then he needs to look for help. If he genuinely can't see he has a problem, he can't be helped.

If you can see him being a burden, don't get dragged down with him. Make sure you have good boundaries.

Maybe broach the issue of therapy or counselling.. for the gambling problem if he can admit to that much-even if he can't admit to his other issues.

Calltocall

Tough one OP, I’ve been there with a close relative, and although it can be easy to say don’t get burdened by it it was impossible for me once it’s your blood and you have empathy, what to do about it is difficult as I believe the older you get the more closed off to help you become, in my situation the suggestion of professional help was scoffed at, all I can say is do your best to be kind and tell him you love him if you are able to do that, I found that it didn’t register initially and thought he didn’t care what I say but then on deaths door he told me it meant an awful lot to him that i said that.

Some old Irish people are very odd with displaying emotion and I often thought jesus does this guy have a heart, they do but it’s learned over time to repress feelings and bitterness eats them for whatever reason, guilt, wrong decisions in life and it comes out as anger etc, end of day be kind that’s all you can do and it sounds like you are.

Emme

OP if he is a compulsive gambler there isn't much you can do if he doesn't want to help himself. Things must have been really bad for the banks to take the house of a formerly successful medical professional - at 64 he probably wouldn't have had to pay as much for the house when he bought it as people pay for houses today. Also if the relationship with your mother was toxic and vicious your childhood may not have been great unless your mother hid things well.

Try to be there for your father if he really needs it but often there is little you can do to help a compulsive gambler if they don't want to help themselves. Sometimes if you do too much for a compulsive gambler they will drain you dry. Some of them will continue to blame others for problems of their own making and refuse to take responsibility for anything.

You say he has a partner - why is she letting him get into such a state? He left your mother for her, it doesn't sound like she is taking very good care of him. Maybe you and your brother could talk to his partner and ask her what is going on.

Another poster suggested keeping good boundaries with him - I would second that.