Am I being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Ok, so my wife and I are separated but under the same roof. It’s fairly hostile/toxic at the moment. Her brother and his family need a place to stay for a whole load of reasons and she asked if they could move in with us for a while. I like them and could see they were in a bit of a hole so I agreed. So they’ve moved in for 3-6 months.

The thing is, apparently they haven’t offered to contribute rent or bills. Frankly, I wasn’t expecting rent anyway because I don’t really have a problem helping them out. But to not offer to contribute anything to bills or the household seems a bit like freeloading to me. I’m not pushed for the cash (aside from the upcoming legal bills ) but I’m amazed that they haven’t offered given that we’re saving them over a grand a month and making life a whole lot more convenient for them because of the location.

When I broach the subject with my wife, she reacts really badly and says she won’t ask them to contribute anything. I haven’t even actually asked for anything – just tried to clarify what the arrangement is although I can’t imagine that I’d move my family in anywhere and not offer to contribute to the bills at least.

Am I being unreasonable?

Xterminator

your not unreasonable.

however this should all have been sorted before they moved in, not after they have moved in. and that's why it is bound to stoke some tensions now.

i assume they are in dire financial straits, to have moved in with you like this. So what they could offer may be limited, but I don't think i would be staying with someone for months without making some contribution. IMO you shouldnt even have to ask, they should offer.

i wonder if it is possible they did offer and your wife said no thanks?

wiggle16

Xterminator wrote: »

i wonder if it is possible they did offer and your wife said no thanks?

I think this is quite possible.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Unless they are in very very dire straits financially it's very poor form for them not to offer to contribute. However, this probably should have been broached and decided before they moved in.

Depending on how this arrangement came about (ie, i assume it was brought up by them with your wife first of all), you could approach them and say that you were under the impression that this had been discussed with her prior to them moving in but you've since discovered it wasn't and you want to sort it out now.

If they were really struggling financially, I'd leave it. If they aren't (and it sounds like they're not) then it's poor form for them not to offer and you are within your rights to ask them to contribute to the utility bills, even if its only a token.

Whatever you do, don't spring a bill on them when it comes through the letterbox. Approach them first.

Were they aware of the separation before moving in? I would be wary that your wife isn't going to use this as a stick to beat you with, ie, if you ask for a contribution and then she tells them not to give you a cent.... tread carefully!

LegacyUser

They aren’t in dire financial straits. The reasons for the move are other a host of other things. They were aware of the separation beforehand which was why I was surprised they moved in as it’s not a situation I’d want to be walking in on. But, to be fair, I did agree to it.

I probably should have ironed this stuff out first before they moved in. I just didn’t want to make much of a fuss of it and assumed that they’d offer something. I’ll probably just leave it at this stage – it’s not worth the hassle.

zoobizoo

Might they be paying money to her and she's decided to keep it And not tell you.?

2 adult witnesses have moved in with their children.

Be very careful and consult your solicitor.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you've walked yourself into a tricky situation here. Continuing to live under the same roof as a separated partner is bad enough in its own right. Then to add in some family members from her side of the family.. I have a bad feeling that them not paying their way is going to be the least of your problems. They're naturally going to take your wife's side if any things arise. If they become a nuisance, they'll have your wife's backing. And as for them staying for just 3-6 months - don't be surprised if they're still there in a year's time. I think you're going to regret (a) not having worked out some way of not living under the same roof as your wife and (b) allowing her family move in.

Paddy Cow

Absolutely ridiculous. They should be contributing. If not your wife should pay a higher proportion of electricity as that definitely will have done up. If she wants to support them fine but its her responsibility. She's asking an awful lot for them to move in, even if ye were still together. I can see why you're separating if this is the kind of seflish, manipulative stunt she pulls.

I hope they are at least buying their own food and cleaning up after themselves?

rondog

Why would you put yourself in that situation??
Especially into a toxis environment with people from her side.

The family should absolutely be paying their way.I would demand it or tell them to leave.

I find it extremely cheeky that they wouldn't offer to pay anyway.That it extreme audacious and I wouldn't be able to live with myself especially the way the rentalmarket is at the moment.

XsApollo

Well I presume your paying the bills as is your wife.
Tell her your reducing you share of the payment to 25% of the bills leaving 75% for her and the other 2 to pay, she won’t be long asking them when it’s coming out of her pocket.
I had the same situation , not as bad but got the same response they won’t be asked. I did the above and wasn’t long getting sorted.

wiggle16

In line with what Ursus is saying and what you've said yourself OP about not bothering with it, I'd agree with not making a big deal about bills. I think I'd be more concerned with pinning down a definite date for their.... departure.

I live at home and my brother was made homeless recently, him and his wife and child have moved in with us. So we're like sardines. My mother would not have them on the street obviously but she made it clear that they were to keep actively looking for somewhere to live as the current situation isn't sustainable for any of us. There's no reason why you can't insist on the same for your in-laws.

I know myself how hard things are at the moment, I'm stuck at home and can't move cos I can't afford it. But your in-laws are not struggling financially. So you can probably get a solid date from them when they will leave. Obviously it depends on what you think, but I'd be careful. Six months down the line when you think they'll be leaving, your wife could extend this deadline, perhaps hoping you'll leave instead. I'd be very firm about getting a departure date for them and sticking to it.