10 year old daughter developing early

LegacyUser

My 10 year old daughter could pass for a 14 or 15 year old girl. She has boobs and a bum and a shape that is not a child.

I mentioned to my wife that I think she needs to dress and behave a little more appropriately than other girls of her age might. Her friends and classmates wear cute young girl clothes which work perfectly well when there's no chest, but on my girl, I don't know how explain it, it ends up showing cleavage and more leg/bum skin than I am at all comfortable with.

My wife's reaction has floored me. She told me that our daughter looks like any other girl and I am the problem, that I should not be viewing my daughter sexually, and said its unsettling to her that I have noticed she has boobs etc. This is frightening me. It's as plain as day she's more developed than other children her age and I am only concerned that she doesn't end up a 'target' for older boys, or any boys at this age! My head is in a spin that this could be levelled at me. There is no history of abuse or anything like that, and things had always been fine with me and my wife so this is a bolt from the blue and sickening.

TLDR, my wife is casting aspersions on me because I am aware my daughter is developing into a woman.

Knine

10 years of age is not that young any more for developing. My 11 year old is the same. However from your daughters point of view she will want to be wearing the same clothes as everyone else her age. She will be getting used to these changes herself & won't want to be different. Believe me her little friends won't be long catching up with her. I think you are making a big deal out of something completely natural.

Snotty

Sorry I don't really have any advice, only that I think your wife is completely out of order in her reaction and I'm not supprised you are taken back, you are just looking out for your little girl as her father.
Best of luck

AndrewJRenko

Is there really that much difference with the clothing worn by 10 year old girls and 13 year old girls? Is it not all leggings and hoodies anyway?

Dtp1979

I’d be less inclined to worry about your daughter, and more worried about how your wife decided to go so nasty in her reaction.

Sardonicat

If you make your daughter dress differently to the other girls her age she will see the changes in her body as abnormal and you'll make her feel like a freak. Just because she's physically more mature than her friends doesn't mean she is anything other than a 10 year old girl mentally and emotionally. How do you think she'll be a 'target' for older boys? Surely she's still in primary school and mixing with children her own age? And I can assure you, she's far from the only 10 year old girl in her cohort who has reached that level of physical development. It's perfectly normal and quite common for girls of that age. Just like it's perfectly normal to be less developed at 14. I find your reaction to your little girl's pubescent body bizarre. Be careful you don't let her pick up on it as you could give her a hang up on her perfectly normal body. It won't be many years before she'll be consumed with self consciousness anyway. Let her enjoy her childhood for the few years she has left of it. She's a 10 year old child, with a 10 year old's body (they are not cookie cutter shaped at that age) , she's a long way from 'developing into a woman' and I think it's really off that you would think of her in that way.

shesty

"I mentioned to my wife that I think she needs to dress and behave a little more appropriately than other girls of her age might. "

I'll be honest OP, this sentence concerns me slightly.What exactly do you think she should be wearing or doing?And I cautiously ask this question....saying a ten year old can pass for 14/15 is a big leap.It is not uncommon for a 10 year old to be developing, but I am slightly concerned you are comparing in that way.Now don't get me wrong, I don't think you have anything wrong with you, and I think your wife's reaction was a bit OTT, but what you are saying is a bit odd.

I will also say that you need to take off the man filter here and realise that just because she is developing physically does not mean she has suddenly become a 14/15 year old emotionally or mentally.She has a lot of change happening in her body and if it as marked as you say, then believe me she will be noticing it herself and possibly be wondering why she is different to all the other girls.She could be embarassed by it.If her periods start early, she could be very, very stressed because nobody else in her class may have them yet and primary schools don't always have facilities to help girls manage periods at that young age. I appreciate you are coming from a place of total concern here, and I would feel the same if it was my daughter, but there is a lot more to this than just superficially how she looks and what she wears.

emilymemily

I find your attitude very strange.
Im a teacher and I can assure you children develop in their own time, some earlier than others but its not uncommon for then to develop at age ten, in fact thats the age when puberty starts for most girls. There has always been girls in my class developing faster than others and its never been any sort of an issue with other children and the child has never been expected to dress or behave differently or more maturely than her peers because of her physical development. She is a ten year old child mentally, intellectually and emotionally regardless of anything else.
Would you have her covered up to hide her natural body? Surely this would only make her self conscious and feel different from her friends who will not be long developing themselves.
If it so happened that she needed protecting from older boys - her body shape would not be the cause of it and she shouldn't be inadvertently held responsible for this hypothetical scenario youve conjured up. Something about your feelings here makes me think of victim blaming - suggesting she's asking for it by wearing little dresses and not covering up.

SSr0

emilymemily wrote: »

Something about your feelings here makes me think of victim blaming - suggesting she's asking for it by wearing little dresses and not covering up.

Wtf?

zapper55

In reply to the eloquent WTF, this part would suggest that.

Frightened Dad wrote: »

It's as plain as day she's more developed than other children her age and I am only concerned that she doesn't end up a 'target' for older boys, or any boys at this age!

Op I dont think you are creepy for saying it to your wife but it's really sad that you are. I blossomed early and thank god my dad didn't tell me to cover up more than my friends. It would have given me a complex.

Your job is to teach your daughter of her value and promote her self confidence, not to make her feel ashamed.

Snotty

zapper55 wrote: »

In reply to the eloquent WTF, this part would suggest that.


Op I dont think you are creepy for saying it to your wife but it's really sad that you are. I blossomed early and thank god my dad didn't tell me to cover up more than my friends. It would have given me a complex.

Your job is to teach your daughter of her value and promote her self confidence, not to make her feel ashamed.

Oh bugger off, he spoke to his wife, never once did he say he was going to speak directly to the daughter. Stop twisting it

Nikki Sixx

Unless you sign her up for the nuns, you will have a long 10 years ahead, if you are freaking out already. Maybe it is difficult for you to see her slowly developing into a woman? Your wife’s reaction was not nice though, implying that you may be some kind of sexual deviant.

LegacyUser

Your daughter could wear a black sack & boys will still pick up on the fact she has a shape.
I would focus on building her self-esteem so that she feels beautiful& confident.
My friends dad trained his 2 daughters in martial arts from the age of 8; so they were well equipped to deal with any unwanted advances (something that came in handy years later when one if them was attacked by her boyfriend).
You can't hide your daughter away from the world. What you can do is equip her well for it

leggo

Think some are being harsh on the OP. It's a parent's job to try identify potential risks in a child's life, especially at such a young age, and do their best to protect them from it. And it's terrifying trying to care for a young girl as she grows up into this stage, especially if you're a man and know what some other boys can be like. It's difficult trying to navigate where the line is between protecting them and letting them be free to live their life, especially with the added gender disconnect where you can't relate to them on certain issues because you haven't lived through them, but still care just as deeply.

The OP is asking questions, nothing more. That's how you learn. It's all well and good saying "I'm a teacher and..." when the end of that sentence should be "...I only know better because I've spent years learning those lessons." There was a time when you didn't and had to ask questions that may have sounded as weird to others as the OP's sounds to you. So getting on a high horse and judging the OP, while he's asking for help and admitting he doesn't have all the answers himself, does nothing productive for anyone.

OP your wife owes you an apology for her comments. You're coming from a good place with your concern and should be commended for that. But the person that said that teaching her her value and self-worth was the solution was dead on the money here.

khaldrogo

AndrewJRenko wrote:

Is there really that much difference with the clothing worn by 10 year old girls and 13 year old girls? Is it not all leggings and hoodies anyway?

Not for the past 4/5 years......it's all skin tight yoga pants and crop tops these days....

Op. I'm right behind you on this and I also think you need to have talk with the wife about her comments

meeeeh

I was more developed than most girls my age. It was upsetting for me, it made me insecure and I was made fun out by other kids a bit (it was not persistent so I'm not saying it was bullying). Kids like to be part of a group, your daughter will notice she looks different, going on about her shape it will just make it more obvious. I wouldn't overly worry what your daughter wears as long as it is appropriate size. If she is a bit bigger (more developed kids can be) you might have to look at brands with a bit more comfortable sizing. From my experience and I'm not saying everyone is the same being early developer makes you stand out in akward way and I certainly didn't get any attention from older boys at that age.

As for your wife comments I think they are product of society which had to deal with some very uncomfortable truths about sexual abuse of children and the reaction is a bit too extreme in other direction. She was out of line and needs to cop on. You to should be able to discuss developmental changes of your children without her freaking out every time you notice something. That being said you are displaying exactly the same type of fears as your wife except they are aimed at 14 or 15 years old boys. You are both overreacting.

Noo

Based on my experience at that age, and of course it's not all boys and people will disagree, but when the girls in their peer group start developing, especially those who develop particularly big (boobs or butt), the some boys and moreso groups of boys just turn into little perverts and can give those particular girls a horrid time.

I have a feeling you may be aware of this, hence your concern. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do, you just got to hope she has the confidence to deal with it.

B0jangles

I understand that you as a parent feel you need to protect your little girl from as much as possible and that is of course perfectly natural and commendable, but at the same time it would be a huge mistake to start making your daughter feel like she has to behave differently because her body is changing.

Whatever her body is like, she's still only a 10 year old child. She's a little girl. Making her feel ashamed and scared because her body is changing is setting her up for a lifetime of shame and fear. Don't for the love of god start telling her stuff like boys will get 'the wrong idea' if she plays like a little kid that she is, or that she needs to start behaving more modestly to prevent something bad happening.

The clothes worn by most 10 year olds aren't cut to show off the body so I don't see why she'd need to start wearing clothes designed for older girls. Puberty is a confusing time for everyone - please read up on ways to help your daughter through it in a way which embraces the changes in her body as a natural, normal, good thing, not as things to be concealed and feared.

edit: your wife's angry reaction might well be because she was told the sort of things I just described when she herself was a little girl, and grew up feeling ashamed and afraid as a result. She might have been lashing out at the idea of your daughter being made to feel the way she was - it wouldn't be at all uncommon. In any case it's a conversation you definitely need to have with cooler heads.

osarusan

Maybe this should be moved to Parenting forum?

LegacyUser

Snotty wrote: »

Oh bugger off, he spoke to his wife, never once did he say he was going to speak directly to the daughter. Stop twisting it

So how exactly is he going to change what his daughter wears if he doesn't speak to her? Is he expecting his wife to do it or is the plan to just remove all her clothes and replace them with ones he approves of?

There's two issues here OP. Your concerns regarding your child and your wifes comments. Regarding child as others have said focus on supporting her self confidence etc. Regarding your wife speak to her and tell her how hurt her comments were to you. Time to act the age I'm sure you look and be a grown up.

shesty

May be more appropriate alright

Porklife

Dtp1979 wrote: »

I’d be less inclined to worry about your daughter, and more worried about how your wife decided to go so nasty in her reaction.

He is, that's why he posted.

osarusan

Porklife wrote: »

He is, that's why he posted.

Yeah, after my earlier post I was thinking that maybe he wanted comments on what his wife had said to him when he mentioned his daughter's early development, rather than comments on the development itself.

If so, I thought she was way out of line to say what she did. Completely unjustified and I can't see where she is coming from or what she hoped to achieve.

paw patrol

Snotty wrote: »

Sorry I don't really have any advice, only that I think your wife is completely out of order in her reaction and I'm not supprised you are taken back, you are just looking out for your little girl as her father.
Best of luck

This 100%

Many posts are missing the point of the OP, he raised a concern with his wife that is it. He may be right, he may be wrong but that's not the point. The point is his wife pretty much used that concern to label him something disgusting.

If you cant share concern no matter how stupid with your own wife/husband then the world is fcuked.

Op I'd be floored if my wife said anything like that to me. Only you can judge your own relationship but I'd have serious concerns about whether I could trust my wife if she made such comments to me about me.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should go back and revisit this with your wife. Tell her that you were taken aback by her reaction and that what she said bothers you. This is something that's going to have to be dealt with again anyway. She's going to continue to develop and she might already know that she's a bit different to her peers. Some of these issues will most likely be just between her and her mother (i.e. periods/first bra) but you shouldn't be completely shut out.

A thought that crossed my mind is if anything ever happened to your wife when she was that age? Did someone interfere with her or make creepy comments? That might go some way towards explaining her reaction.

Porklife

osarusan wrote: »

Yeah, after my earlier post I was thinking that maybe he wanted comments on what his wife had said to him when he mentioned his daughter's early development, rather than comments on the development itself.

If so, I thought she was way out of line to say what she did. Completely unjustified and I can't see where she is coming from or what she hoped to achieve.

I completely agree, it's a really horrible angle to look at it from and says alot more about her than it does him. I'd be very hurt if my partner painted me in that light or even had that thought cross their mind.

LegacyUser

I’d like to hear from the op’s wife, why is so alarmed by his comments?

There is something very distressing about this thread, I think it would be better suited to the parenting forum like others have suggested. Op, talk out your concerns again with your wife and try to get to bottom of why she is reacting so strongly to your observations.

wiggle16

Mod note:

As the main issue for the OP in this thread would appear to be his wife's reaction to his concerns, this is more of a relationship issue than a parenting one and so I'm going to leave it here in PI/RI rather than moving it. How to handle his daughter's development and what to do about it (if anything...) is for all intents and purposes a side issue, based upon the OP's opening post. He's shocked because of what his wife said. He hasn't actually asked for advice about his daughter.

OP, if you believe this thread should be moved to Parenting, please let me know and I'll let the Cmods make the call on that. For the moment I'm going to leave it where it is.

Thanks all.
wiggle

Wabbit Ears

Rookie mistake OP.

As the dad of a 8 year old whos much taller than all the girls and boys in her class, been there, done that. I empathize, believe me I do, but leave this subject to your wife to deal with.

Former Former

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Rookie mistake OP.

As the dad of a 8 year old whos much taller than all the girls and boys in her class, been there, done that. I empathize, believe me I do, but leave this subject to your wife to deal with.

Being taller is not the same as being more 'developed', but his wife seems to be completely ignoring it. Letting his wife deal with it is basically doing nothing.

Either way, a dad making a ham-fisted attempt at an awkward question is not unusual. His wife accusing him of being some sort of a deviant because of it is absolutely outrageous.

1hnr79jr65

I am not a parent, however i can see the concerns the OP has, also i can see why the OP's wife reacted the way she did.

OP i would interpret is acting from the perspective that as his daughter is developing at such an early age, he wants to be protective of her. I am going to throw a presumption out there that he made his concerns not just on how other girls may see his daughter but maybe more importantly how his daughter may be viewed by & interacted with by mature or maturing guys.

The OP's wife i would interpret is trying to shield their daughter from feeling inappropriate just because of her developing, in the current way society is evolving that shows no matter how anyone dresses they shouldn't be viewed at in a derogatory way. (eg slut shaming or other such comments).

Perhaps the conversation the OP needs to discuss with his wife should be firstly, perhaps they way they both approached the subject was not the best, how OP presented his concerns and how the wife reacted. Then they can both work on a gradual approach to what their daughters development means, maybe including menstrual cycle, sex education, awareness of peer pressure others may try place on their daughter.......

But this will only work once OP and wife agree both agree how they both raised their concerns was with best intentions but with incorrect outputs. This is stressful for them both and from OP's first post looks like their first time around the track on this issue and both trying to deal with the issue as best they know how.

Spon Farmer

Frightened Dad wrote: »

My 10 year old daughter could pass for a 14 or 15 year old girl. She has boobs and a bum and a shape that is not a child.

I mentioned to my wife that I think she needs to dress and behave a little more appropriately than other girls of her age might. Her friends and classmates wear cute young girl clothes which work perfectly well when there's no chest, but on my girl, I don't know how explain it, it ends up showing cleavage and more leg/bum skin than I am at all comfortable with.

My wife's reaction has floored me. She told me that our daughter looks like any other girl and I am the problem, that I should not be viewing my daughter sexually, and said its unsettling to her that I have noticed she has boobs etc. This is frightening me. It's as plain as day she's more developed than other children her age and I am only concerned that she doesn't end up a 'target' for older boys, or any boys at this age! My head is in a spin that this could be levelled at me. There is no history of abuse or anything like that, and things had always been fine with me and my wife so this is a bolt from the blue and sickening.

TLDR, my wife is casting aspersions on me because I am aware my daughter is developing into a woman.

I can't give any advice on your daughter but your wife - Holy Jaysus.

That is one seriously messed up thing to say. Has this kind of thing come out of the blue?

Apart from being messed up, it doesn't even make sense.

Red Lightning

In my opinion, your concerns are totally valid OP. Sadly we live in a society where young girls are sexualised and if I had a daughter id be terrified if I felt she was at risk of getting male attention at an age that is just too young.
And about your wife, what a horrific thing to say. She needs to cop herself on and owes you an apology.

Unanimous

OP, you have a valid point but could it be that you might have expressed it wrongly?
Every child should be guarded and protected jealously by their parents!
We live in an era where kids know more than they should know!
They go on the internet and there is porn there, their favourite musicians are using certain lyrics and video scenes in their music.
Who is going to be responsible for ensuring that these kids do not make decisions that they live to regret!?
OP, it will shock you the things kids know and experiment on! so you are not wrong!
I remember when I started developing breasts and I was playing topless when one of my uncles was around,
My brother who was one year younger than me told my sister that I was showing my uncle that I now have breasts.
Weird to think of that not but even a boy 1 year younger than me knew that it just didn't seem right.
Growing up, I remember girls who grew boobs earlier that were made fun of, sexualised and abused my male classmates.
Luckily I grew up in an area where it will not be tolerated. I have seen stories online of a boy who would unhook girls bra and when was slapped by one of the girls, the girl was suspended.
Look, you have to protect your kids, a girl is going to be a woman in a couple of years. no point pretending like she will remain 10 forever.
She herself will notice the changes and the best thing to do is to help her understand what these changes she is noticing are and how to be a responsible woman to be.

dellas1979

People always project what they've experienced and their thoughts onto others, and see it as reality (for everyone).

You are projecting your experience onto your daughter.

I will bet what is in my bank account that your wife is projecting some experience she had as a young girl onto you - something she saw or experienced. It doesnt have to be seedy. Could be someone looked at her as a kid/developing, and she felt objectified/person was being pervy.

It could be a starting point in figuring out where that comment came from.

OP no one here knows your wife and daughter and without that, there's not too much advice that can really be given.

Speculating, I'd hope that your wife's comments were not reflective of what she thinks of you, but rather a reaction to her fear being sparked. I can't be easy to hear that your young daughter is developing quickly and that she might be perceived as different, or sexualised by others. She's probably experienced what that's like herself, and it's not something you'd want for a kid. She was wrong to talk to you like that, but if I were you I'd take the high road and forget about it.

That said, I developed SUPER early, and my mother refused to buy me a bra. She also acted mortified when I tried to speak to her about it. It made things way tougher for me at school and made me feel even more ashamed of my body. Well done to you for speaking openly about it and trying to start a conversation about your daughter's emotional wellbeing. Don't let it scare you off talking about these things.

Larbre34

My niece was the same, from about age 9 she filled out, early onset of periods and so on. But she took right after her Mum who was always tall, womanly, athletic so she and my brother in law took a pragmatic approach from the beginning, bought her simple training bras right away, got her some flattering but appropriate clothes as she grew so she was fairly at ease with her changing body and made sure she was involved in a good amount of sport and social activities with a healthy mix of boys and girls to limit her amount of just 'hanging around'.

Even still they had some issues with her attracting boys and she was flattered and threw a few tantrums about who and when she was allowed spend time with, but overall she has grown with as much education and knowledge as she could absorb around sex, relationships and managing risks to herself.

Its not easy, but the way OPs wife turned it back on him is so bang out of order its not funny. He would have every right to ask her to go with him to counselling and sort that out in detail because now or soon enough she will have to deal sympathetically with her daughters maturing and all it brings, otherwise the daughter will be made anxious and confused around the whole issue instead of getting the right support and advice from united parents.

Best of luck fella.

Emme

OP if your 10 year old daughter had the body of a 15 year old she will probably not fit into the average 10 year old's clothes. Whatever about her getting attention from older boys, her early development might affect her self-confidence.

You and your wife need to put your daughter first. She is developing faster than her peers so you need to reassure her that she is normal and there is nothing wrong. I was an early developer and got bullied over it. I was at a co-educational school and boys were horrible to me. If I had been offered a breast reduction at 14 I would have taken it up to avoid bullying. Instead I developed an eating disorder and part of the reason for that was that I was so self-conscious about my size. Ironically I lost weight everywhere except the one place I wanted to most. Early development can be hell for girls.

I am not saying your daughter will develop an eating disorder but she needs positive encouragement from both you and your wife and you need to support her through her changing (and perfectly normal) body. Even though parents don't say anything children can pick up on their concerns and act out. You and your wife need to be on the same page and in agreement with how you encourage your daughter and support her.

When does she start secondary school? If she turns 11 over summer and starts next September the holidays would be a good time for you and your wife to sit down with her and discuss what she should and should not tolerate from her peers. If she is still at primary school you may need to find out if there is a female teacher there who can quietly support her if she needs it.

If she has started her periods already this will be uppermost in your wife's mind and maybe this is why she reacted so strongly to your other concerns. A good father will raise his daughter to be confident and not tolerate nonsense so your daughter is lucky you are concerned for her.