Brother wasting his life

LegacyUser

My brother who is almost 30 has never worked, never finished school, and still lives at home. All he does is chain smoke, all day long. He sleeps until 6pm or 7pm everyday. He used to be a lovely handsome lad but these days he looks sickly, his hygiene is poor and he looks older than he is.

I am so worried, as are my parents, because he just won't do anything. He has depression and anxiety and although I understand that can limit you, at some stage you have to say enough is enough and take control of your life. But he won't. He won't even sign on for his dole, and then his money gets stopped and he has to ask for lends of money to keep him going. My parents enable this behaviour by giving him money unfortunately and they always molly coddled him, but lately my mam has told me she can't handle it anymore. I don't even like visiting the house anymore, its a horrible atmosphere.

I'm pissed off and at my wits end watching my younger brother waste his life. We are trying to figure out if there's anything we can do to get him moving, but it goes in one ear and out the other with him. I worry about what the future holds when at his age he has no basic life skills at all. I know it's up to him to take control, but I wondered if anyone has any advice?

Wanderer2010

You cannot change another person OP. Unless your brother has a moment where he is tired of his life and wants to change then there is absolutely nothing anybody else can do to change this. You can encourage, you can guilt trip, you can scream at him but at the end of the day its his life and he is entitled to waste it if he sees fit. I know that's harsh but its true. All you can do is be there for him, greet him as usual, and be a supportive brother but don't get upset about his life because only he can do the changing.

Sardonicat

Has he ever been referred to a psychiatrist? It might be time to get his diagnosis reviewed.

corklily05

While you cant change another person, you can implement things into his life which can force change. Your parents need to be the driving force here as he lives in their house. Firstly, in my opinion, they should not be facilitating his chain smoking and force him to pay for cigarettes himself. Secondly, as hes living in the house and not drawing the dole he has no money?? So, hes not contributing for the food he's eating everyday? Well tough love needs to come in to place here and your parents needs to take charge, tell him get the F**k up off his lazy hole and get a job!!

Your parents wont be around forever and hes just going to inherit the house with no mortgage as it'll all be paid off? Nonsense, he needs to start taking responsibility in his life and earning his own way of living. If it comes to it, your parents should not be paying for his food or even facilitate him even sleeping in the house. Your brother needs a good dose of reality and getting a job is a start

Jurgen Klopp

Is he on any medication? Does he stick to taking it?

It doesn't sound great if he can't even go to the local office to sign on and his dole stopped

That alone makes me think his mental state is more the problem here than being lazy and a moocher tbh

Would ye maybe see if his GP can try switching him to different meds? Even some of the best ones don't work for some people you may as well be taking smarties

Wanderer78

fedup11 wrote:

My brother who is almost 30 has never worked, never finished school, and still lives at home. All he does is chain smoke, all day long. He sleeps until 6pm or 7pm everyday. He used to be a lovely handsome lad but these days he looks sickly, his hygiene is poor and he looks older than he is.

What kind of difficulties did your brother have in school and when if was younger?

Dial Hard

Wanderer78 wrote:

What kind of difficulties did your brother have in school and when if was younger?

Jesus Christ, your wrists must be hanging off you from banging that drum. Give it a rest for a while, will you??? The OP never mentioned difficulties in school. Not every adult who isn't contributing to society is an undiagnosed ASD sufferer, despite what you seem determinef to think. Conversely, there are literally millions of people with ASD who still manage to be perfectly capable members of society. Your rush to excuse every bit of questionable adult behaviour with "But Aspergers!" is patronising, borderline insulting to vast swathes of ASD people and just downright weird, tbh.

lainey_d_123

corklily05 wrote: »

While you cant change another person, you can implement things into his life which can force change. Your parents need to be the driving force here as he lives in their house. Firstly, in my opinion, they should not be facilitating his chain smoking and force him to pay for cigarettes himself. Secondly, as hes living in the house and not drawing the dole he has no money?? So, hes not contributing for the food he's eating everyday? Well tough love needs to come in to place here and your parents needs to take charge, tell him get the F**k up off his lazy hole and get a job!!

Your parents wont be around forever and hes just going to inherit the house with no mortgage as it'll all be paid off? Nonsense, he needs to start taking responsibility in his life and earning his own way of living. If it comes to it, your parents should not be paying for his food or even facilitate him even sleeping in the house. Your brother needs a good dose of reality and getting a job is a start

Yeah great, but what if he can't? Like literally can't? My brother is like this and when they did try to give him 'tough love', it didn't work. He still didn't get a job or his own apartment and ended up homeless. He would have literally ended up on the street if they hadn't taken him back in. It's not always so easy.

Wanderer78

fedup11 wrote:

My brother who is almost 30 has never worked, never finished school, and still lives at home. All he does is chain smoke, all day long. He sleeps until 6pm or 7pm everyday. He used to be a lovely handsome lad but these days he looks sickly, his hygiene is poor and he looks older than he is.

Dial Hard wrote:

Jesus Christ, your wrists must be hanging off you from banging that drum. Give it a rest for a while, will you??? The OP never mentioned difficulties in school. Not every adult who isn't contributing to society is an undiagnosed ASD sufferer, despite what you seem determinef to think. Conversely, there are literally millions of people with ASD who still manage to be perfectly capable members of society. Your rush to excuse every bit of questionable adult behaviour with "But Aspergers!" is patronising, borderline insulting to vast swathes of ASD people and just downright weird, tbh.

Please read this paragraph again! There is a possibility of a learning difficultly. Again, some of the most common root causes of long term unemployment, learning difficulties, developmental disorders, personality disorders, behavioral problems, mental health issues, addiction problems etc etc. Again, the majority of people with ASD, some believing this is as much as 80%, remain in long term unemployment. And no, I'm not a clinical psychologist, so I cannot diagnosis this, and it may not be relevant in this situation, but professional intervention is required asap. Yes you are correct, millions of people with ASD do live relatively normal lives, but going by the latest figures, i.e. 80%, multiples of millions are not, again, ASD may not be relevant in this case, and yes, I am weird, so what!

Tokyo

Dial Hard wrote: »

Jesus Christ, your wrists must be hanging off you from banging that drum. Give it a rest for a while, will you???

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Please read this paragraph again! There is a possibility of a learning difficultly. Again, some of the most common root causes of long term unemployment, learning difficulties, developmental disorders, personality disorders, behavioral problems, mental health issues, addiction problems etc etc.

Mod:

Dial Hard - rein it in. If you have an issue with anything posted in PI/RI, you're welcome to report it.

Wanderer78 - general suggestions are welcome, however, you are steering dangerously close to offering up a medical diagnosis, which is against the forum charter. Please familiarise yourself with the charter before posting in PI/RI again.

seannash

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Please read this paragraph again! There is a possibility of a learning difficultly. Again, some of the most common root causes of long term unemployment, learning difficulties, developmental disorders, personality disorders, behavioral problems, mental health issues, addiction problems etc etc. Again, the majority of people with ASD, some believing this is as much as 80%, remain in long term unemployment. And no, I'm not a clinical psychologist, so I cannot diagnosis this, and it may not be relevant in this situation, but professional intervention is required asap. Yes you are correct, millions of people with ASD do live relatively normal lives, but going by the latest figures, i.e. 80%, multiples of millions are not, again, ASD may not be relevant in this case, and yes, I am weird, so what!

Is it ever just laziness? Seriously not all people suffer with some sort of disorder or mental health problem.
I've seen it with my own family members, if you continue to support them they will continue to be lazy ****s.
I suspect this is that, I'm sure of the parents kept giving him money he would be totally fine about it.
Most of the time it's just good old fashioned laziness that is stopping people.

Wanderer78

seannash wrote: »

Is it ever just laziness? Seriously not all people suffer with some sort of disorder or mental health problem.
I've seen it with my own family members, if you continue to support them they will continue to be lazy ****s.
I suspect this is that, I'm sure of the parents kept giving him money he would be totally fine about it.
Most of the time it's just good old fashioned laziness that is stopping people.

funnily enough, ive met my fair share of mental health professionals, all more or less stating, the most common (miss)diagnoses amongst the general population of these type of issues is, surprise surprise, 'laziness'! i generally call this, 'lazy research'!

seannash

Wanderer78 wrote: »

funnily enough, ive met my fair share of mental health professionals, all more or less stating, the most common (miss)diagnoses amongst the general population of these type of issues is, surprise surprise, 'laziness'! i generally call this, 'lazy research'!

Of course you have.
As for your patronising "lazy research" comment, you know nothing of my background, my own research, my own mental health or indeed my exposure to any of this.
So again I ask, can it be a simple case of laziness or are you saying that laziness doesn't exist and there's always an underlying reason?
Feeling sadness, anxiousness or fearfulness are all feelings which can pass. It's okay not to have a mental health issue and experience these emotions.
Will it do more damage to push someone into a diagnosis where there isn't one?
Your assesment of professional help is needed asap is as valid as my laziness assessment yet you treat yours as somehow more correct?
Fortunately I have a feeling the OP can make an informed decision on what course to take

Tokyo

Mod

Okay, the sniping and armchair diagnosing end here.

Wanderer78, please don't post in this thread again.

Everybody else, please stick to the OP's original issue, or don't post.

Ursus Horribilis

Has your brother actually been diagnosed with depression and anxiety? Is he under the care of a GP? Perhaps that's a good place to start. Going by what you've told us, it's hard to know what's going on. It could possibly be a mix of mental health issues and enabling by your parents that has got him to this stage. If his life has reduced down to what you've described, he has a long way to go in order to be any way productive. I'm not a medical professional so my advice might be completely off the mark. If it was me, I'd be stopping him from smoking in the house, giving him money and allowing him to sleep for hours. Your parents have to want to make these tough decisions though and it's not clear if they do.

And if he actually has mental health issues and lacks basic life skills (rather than being bone idle), would he be a candidate for sheltered housing?

AndrewJRenko

I'm not sure that others can give specific advice - you'll need to make those decisions yourselves. The 'tough love' options would involve cutting off money, smokes, maybe even food/board to motivate him to get and get moving. These do run the risk, as one other poster noted, of ending up in very difficult scenarios - possibly homelessness. More supportive options would include reaching out, finding ways to get him out of the house and involved in family and community. Professional advice from a good GP or community mental health service might be useful too.

Is there anything that he values? Pets? Sport? Particular family members or old friends?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Well I'd just like to say that whatever the cause, it's terribly sad that your brother has shut himself off from the world like this. It must be very distressing for you and your family to watch.
How receptive is he when you talk to him? Would you be able to ask him how he thinks he could be helped? Does he recognise that he isn't living a full life?

If it was me I would just try to spend time with him outside the house, go to the cinema or for a hike once a week. Build up a stronger rapport, and give him a bit more confidence outside. Maybe see if you can tackle things one step at a time. Has he got his driver's license? You could offer to teach him. Help him to be more independent in practical ways.
Somewhere down the line counselling would be great but I'm sure you've suggested that already, it might be too big a step for him right now. Maybe your Mum would benefit though.

Maybe it's his illness, maybe he's just lazy, maybe he's been far too enabled and it's all just entrenched at this stage - but it doesn't really matter. I'm sure you'd all like to see him living a happy, healthy life and it is possible. No one is lost completely.

JustAThought

If you say he won't sign on for dole and hss bern cut off perhaps he needs to go or be accompanied to his GP and sign on as medically depressed - might start a diagnosis and treatment and stop the financial issues. It sounds like sn awful mess & no doubt your parents are fraught trying to help . At 30 I assume they have been dealing with thisfor years & it hss not solved the root issues. Maybe time for a diagnosis & new approach. Being given s diagnosis of depression will stop him in some areas but in the long run 10 or 12 years is too long for this to be continuing & what they have tried jas not helped. At 30 he is half way through his best years as an adult. He needs a new approach and yiur parents deserve their own lives & hope back.