Mother being ill treated by siblings

LegacyUser

Hi there

I was driving home with my mother from the local shop and we were just ranting about my sister’s childish behaviour and people in general. During the conversation my mother said that she wouldn’t be missed by the family if she passed away. I immediately contradicted this statement.

I can’t stop thinking about what she said and how she said it. It was just a one liner but she said it like it was a matter of fact.

My mother would be quite conserved and probably regarded as an introvert. She has five kids. One passed away at a young age. She doesn’t have any close friends and she lost many of her dear friends 5 years ago due to a massive dispute (there is no chance of resolution or reigniting these friendships). It also doesn’t help that she doesn’t drive and she lives in a rural area.

My siblings have no respect for her. The youngest constantly hurls verbal abuse at her doesn’t acknowledge her existence. The things the youngest siblings says are awful (refers to her as the worse mother and wishes she was dead). This is unacceptable I know however their behaviour is never challenged as the youngest has additional needs.

My other two siblings, are adults with no additional needs. They are also temperamental but not to the same extent as the youngest. However from looking at their behaviour they really don’t respect their mother. The never remember her birthday, they never help her with cleaning etc., they treat her as a household slave (demanding washing and cooking services etc. to be completed upon their order). Oftentimes they start arguments about insignificant issues but I believe this has a huge emotional effect on my mother (even though she doesn’t disclose her emotions).

You may be asking why she tolerates this behaviour. I ask the same question. It is down to my mother’s personality. She doesn’t like conflict, she is a yes-woman and would do anything to keep the peace even at her own cost. She just takes the orders or doesn’t respond to the insults.

Her life is her family. She is the most selfless person I know. She is also the most caring and respectable person I know. She has no confidence in her own capabilities this may be a result of lack of education.

I just don’t know what to do. I hate the fact that she is growing old in a toxic house. I hate the way she must be feeling. She is extremely private and never really opens up to anyone about her feelings.

I’m just going to try and be there for her and talk to her and be her friend but as a young person with traveling plans I worry about the times when I’m not going to be there. There is nobody in her life that will show any interest in her.

I’m aware that you probably won’t have much guidance for me. But writing in itself is helping me to realize the extent of the situation.

Thanks.

wiggle16

How old is the youngest sibling, and what are their "additional needs", can I ask? I assume that because he hasn't been mentioned your father is not on the scene?

Hannibal_Smith

I wonder, if you mother had a major falling out with her friends, if she's the 'yes' woman you think she is?

If your siblings have had their mother wait on them hand and foot, sometimes that can turn into something they expect. Not saying that's right at all BTW.

Why don't you talk to your mother more about how she's feeling? It was a fairly strong statement to make. Talk to her. I assume the other siblings are old enough to be helping her out. So after speaking to her, could you all have a conversation together about what's expected of them?

SusanC10

Is your father around ?

I have a sister who behaves badly towards my Mum. She doesn't live at home but when she comes home for the weekend it's like she is 15 again. My Mum does everything for her while she is at home and doesn't react to the bad behaviour.

When my Dad was alive, he would pull her up on her behaviour and while she was like this while a teenager, she didn't really do it after that while he was in the house.

Not that he is dead, she has reverted to this again. I tried to tell her that it was unacceptable (huge row) but my Mum took her side and defended her behaviour so I haven't intervened since.

iamwhoiam

3 siblings that are indifferent to their mother stems from something . Have you asked your siblings why they feel that way ? Usually there are reasons for that kind of behaviour .

.......

This sounds like a complex situation.

You cant change how people behave, and you cant manage other peoples relationships. So thats the first thing you have to accept (its difficult but true).

Why are your siblings so disrespectful towards your mother? All of them? Something is at the root of this. Your mother has a responsibility to herself not to accept disrespectful behaviour towards her. You cant be her protector. She has to be the one to set boundaries within her own relationships.

About this dispute. I think your mother isnt such a yes woman as you may think. It seems unusual that your mother lost all of her friends over a dispute. What was it about and why cant any of these relationships be reignited?

Driving. Why cant she learn to drive?

I feel that your mother is presenting to you as someone who is a yes woman who has been wronged by a lot of people. But there must be more to this because of the things you describe.

You say she is growing old in a toxic house? Do your siblings live with her? What ages are they? If they are adults disrespecting your mother in a home they live in that she provides, then she should boot them out!