Family estrangement - advice needed

Sunrise_Sunset · 27-05-2019 11:34pm #1

I am estranged from a parent. In the end it was their choice. Said parent is often sick and in and out of hospital. My other parent will ring me to let me know, and I listen without commenting much.
Should I ask my other parent to stop notifying me of this? I really don't want to know about it anymore. However, on the flip side, I do want to be of some support to my other parent. Not sure exactly how to approach the situation or what to do.

lulu1 · 28-05-2019 12:51am

Whatever happened between you and your parent is it really a big issue to just listen to your other parent when they want to talk about it

You could be helping them more than you know

eviltwin · 28-05-2019 12:56am

Are you an only child OP?

Sunrise_Sunset · 28-05-2019 7:19am

eviltwin wrote: »

Are you an only child OP?

No I'm not an only child

Sunrise_Sunset · 28-05-2019 7:22am

lulu1 wrote: »

Whatever happened between you and your parent is it really a big issue to just listen to your other parent when they want to talk about it

You could be helping them more than you know

Well it is actually. It brings up a lot of hurt each and every time. I feel like I can't move on and close that chapter of my life.

Hannibal_Smith · 28-05-2019 8:33am

If you do, there is a chance you could lose contact with the other parent.

Do you think they're trying to encourage you to reconcile?
Is it all still fairly raw, or has the divide been there for a long time?

When you cut contact with a parent it is very hard to get closure in the usual sense while you still have a decent relationship with the other parent.

Unless you can steer the conversation around to the parent you are speaking to and change it into a conversation about them and how they're coping.

I have constant fall outs with my mother and we go through periods of not speaking, regularly. I've often wished I could cut her out completely, but I appreciate what your situation brings where it would cause issue with my dad. So I can appreciate, when you've split its difficult to keep hearing about them and being pulled back in to it.

As I say I think closure in the usual sense is difficult, and I think you have to find it in a different way. Like when they talk about the other parent make the conversation about support for the one you're talking about. If you think that's possible?

....... · 28-05-2019 9:45am

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I am estranged from a parent. In the end it was their choice. Said parent is often sick and in and out of hospital. My other parent will ring me to let me know, and I listen without commenting much.
Should I ask my other parent to stop notifying me of this? I really don't want to know about it anymore. However, on the flip side, I do want to be of some support to my other parent. Not sure exactly how to approach the situation or what to do.

If the calls are purely to notify you on the other parents health then yes, ask the parent who calls to stop.

If its just coming up as part of regular calls then no.

Xterminator · 28-05-2019 9:59am

Hi Op

Why would you ask the parent you speak to not to mention their wife/husband when your chatting? For what reason?

Step back for a moment from your own shoes. Their partner is the most significant person in their lives. Even just chatting about how the week goes would involve telling yuou the had a doctors visit, etc.

and you want to place the burden on them of filtering out their significant life events when chatting with you, what to make you feel less awkward?

This would place a further stain on the one good parent relationship you have! not to mention that they probably get some relief from chatting about it to a loved one, and probably harbour hope that your will all reconcile in the future, and regardless of whether that ever happens i see no benefit from breaking that hope.

Here's my advice accept your estranged parent is a huge part of your other parents life, and embrace that. Let them feel they can talk to you about anything and strengthen that relationship. I think a little perspective might help here.

wiggle16 · 28-05-2019 11:09am

I agree with others here... you can't really be have both. You can't be supportive of someone's troubles unless you let them talk about them.

As another poster said, you need to step back and look at this objectively. I don't know what happened to drive this wedge between you and your parent, but you must realise the position it puts the other parent in. They're not involved, but they are obviously under a lot of strain having an ill partner and trying to keep on good terms with you both. You'd be asking them to pretend their partner and the stress theyre under don't exist while yous are talking. Myself I don't think that's fair, but it does depend on what you fell out over I suppose.

Unless they are talking about their partner incessantly, then it's just a part of life you are going to have to accept. You can't pretend they don't exist, you can't pretend you don't have a parent you are estranged from, when you do.

Maybe that sounds harsh but again unless they are calling specifically to talk about their partner or talking about them incessantly then i don't think it would be fair to involve the other parent like that, even if it's indirectly.

I have every sympathy for where you are coming from but I don't think there's any way you can do both.

Sunrise_Sunset · 28-05-2019 6:56pm

I take all these points on board.
But it was my parent's decision to cut ties with me. We had a fractured relationship before that for many years, but I never cut them off. It is still raw as it was only a few months ago. My other parent is calling and texting me just to notify me about hospital, yes, and I don't want to hear it. Maybe if I act uninterested they will stop calling me about it. I do have other siblings that they could call.
I appreciate that my other parent is the one in the middle, but it was my parent that put them in this position, not me.

Ursus Horribilis · 28-05-2019 7:25pm

You're going to have to talk to this other parent and tell them you don't want to get these updates. Acting disinterested or ignoring the texts isn't going to make it stop. None of us knows your family so all we can offer you is guesswork. It's possible that this other parent thinks they're doing the right thing by keeping you in the loop. Be it a lack of understanding about how you feel or to tick a box.

wiggle16 · 28-05-2019 8:02pm

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I take all these points on board.
But it was my parent's decision to cut ties with me. We had a fractured relationship before that for many years, but I never cut them off. It is still raw as it was only a few months ago. My other parent is calling and texting me just to notify me about hospital, yes, and I don't want to hear it. Maybe if I act uninterested they will stop calling me about it. I do have other siblings that they could call.
I appreciate that my other parent is the one in the middle, but it was my parent that put them in this position, not me.

That's after clarifying things.

I think then you would be within your rights to tell the other parent that you would rather not have the updates. Tell them that if you want to know, you will ask.

Xterminator · 29-05-2019 12:08pm

My other parent is calling and texting me just to notify me about hospital, yes, and I don't want to hear it. Maybe if I act uninterested they will stop calling me about it. I do have other siblings that they could call. I appreciate that my other parent is the one in the middle, but it was my parent that put them in this position, not me.

so you punish the parent you do get along with. good plan. /S

how about instead of acting uninterested, or playing games you sit down with the parent and explain how you find it hard, and open up your feelings? IE not make any demands, but just explain how you are feeling, and that its hard?

It might not lead to the result you like, but i don't think it would hurt to try?

....... · 29-05-2019 12:25pm

Xterminator wrote: »

so you punish the parent you do get along with. good plan. /S

Nice victim blaming. I thought that personal issues was about supporting the person with the problem, not berating them?

It could also be viewed that the parent who is not estranged from the OP is enabling the other parent and punishing the OP by talking about the estranged parent to the OP knowing that that parent has hurt the OP.

These things are rarely black and white and people can only look after themselves. Its not punishing someone to set boundaries on your conversations with them. The OP has already stated that he/she is not an only child so the parent still has other kids with whom they can discuss the hospital attendances of the estranged parent.

Xterminator · 29-05-2019 12:51pm

didnt blame victim for anything, i simply pointed out the course of action penalises the parent that they do talk to and suggested an alternative course of action.

did you even offer any advice to the OP?

wiggle16 · 29-05-2019 12:52pm

Xterminator wrote: »

so you punish the parent you do get along with. good plan. /S

how about instead of acting uninterested, or playing games you sit down with the parent and explain how you find it hard, and open up your feelings? IE not make any demands, but just explain how you are feeling, and that its hard?

It might not lead to the result you like, but i don't think it would hurt to try?

I think this is very harsh. It's not the OP's fault this parent has cut them out, it's a choice they made, one which is very hurtful. The other parent is calling the OP specifically to talk about the estranged parent. I would say it is hard to listen to someone talk about someone who refuses to speak to you. The OP is within their rights to ask that that stop.

It's not playing games to ask that it stop. Sitting down with the other parent and explaining how you feel about your estranged parent is just going over old ground and rehashing whatever happened. Doesn't need to happen.

If it was just something that was coming up in the course of conversation, then to me that's a bit different. But that's not the case, and to ask that it stop is not punishing the other parent.

I think the OP should just ask for updates to stop, and say that if they want to know what the story is, they will ask.

....... · 29-05-2019 1:29pm

Xterminator wrote: »

didnt blame victim for anything, i simply pointed out the course of action penalises the parent that they do talk to and suggested an alternative course of action.

did you even offer any advice to the OP?

Asking the parent to stop updating them about someone who has frozen them out is not penalising them. Its hurtful for the OP to be subjected this.

Yes I did, quite a bit actually - which you would see if you read the thread.

Sunrise_Sunset · 29-05-2019 3:42pm

The parent that cut ties is a narcissistic bully. Things started going sour between us when I stood up for myself after many years of this treatment. My other parent is soft. This is just their personality, but unfortunately it does facilitate and enable the narcissist. I don't want to fall out with this parent. This parent is not aware of the nature of how the narcissist cut ties with me and the things that were said. I didn't want to hurt them by telling them, and the narcissist didn't tell them either, too ashamed to own up to the things they are capable of, no doubt. I have no desire to repair the relationship, as it is unsalvageable.
I'm trying to move on with my life, but it is difficult, especially with updates like this. I'm thinking of maybe being honest with my parent and telling them the things that the narcissist said when cutting ties with me, and maybe they;ll then understand why I wouldn't want updates. I don't want to hurt them, but I feel maybe it's best I explain my side of things.

....... · 29-05-2019 3:51pm

The narcissist depends on you and other people they bully not telling what they did.

If everyone was open and honest about how the narcissist behaves it would be much more difficult for them to behave that way.

However, its entirely possible the narcissist HAS told your other parent and your other parent is simply turning a blind eye to it. They know who they are married to and in order to survive they probably have to be in denial about many things.

Sunrise_Sunset · 29-05-2019 4:01pm

....... wrote: »

The narcissist depends on you and other people they bully not telling what they did.

If everyone was open and honest about how the narcissist behaves it would be much more difficult for them to behave that way.

However, its entirely possible the narcissist HAS told your other parent and your other parent is simply turning a blind eye to it. They know who they are married to and in order to survive they probably have to be in denial about many things.

They told me they knew a letter was written, but didn't know what was in the letter. I said well I won't tell you as it would hurt you too much. So, they are aware, to a degree, but I genuinely don't think they are fully aware. But now I'm seriously thinking of telling them, not to hurt them, just to justify why and how I need to move on with my life.

Ursus Horribilis · 29-05-2019 4:05pm

I think you need to be very clear about what your wishes are here. It's up to you how much you want to tell them but I get the feeling there has been a communication breakdown. Sometimes playing around with words and trying not to come out with the full unvarnished truth leads to the other person not getting the right message.

....... · 29-05-2019 4:11pm

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

They told me they knew a letter was written, but didn't know what was in the letter. I said well I won't tell you as it would hurt you too much. So, they are aware, to a degree, but I genuinely don't think they are fully aware. But now I'm seriously thinking of telling them, not to hurt them, just to justify why and how I need to move on with my life.

No they are not fully aware but whatever they are aware of will probably already have been twisted by the narcissist. And whatever you tell will be similarly twisted. Even if you give them the letter, the narcissist will have every excuse in the book ready for them.

Unfortunately for you its very difficult to have a relationship with one parent when the other is toxic.

I found it impossible and ended up becoming estranged from both. I think you posted about this before and I also responded?

I tried for a long time to maintain the relationship with the non toxic parent but now, many years later, I see that the reality was that that person had a choice and they chose a toxic partner over their children - over and over again. I used to make all sorts of excuses for it but it came down to codependency. They were facilitating and enabling the toxic parent of their own free will. There was no way to maintain contact with only one as they were too closely intermingled. In fact, the parent I perceived as "weak" was actually toxic themselves and maintaining the status quo. I was only entirely free after I cut contact from both.

Sunrise_Sunset · 29-05-2019 5:02pm

....... wrote: »

No they are not fully aware but whatever they are aware of will probably already have been twisted by the narcissist. And whatever you tell will be similarly twisted. Even if you give them the letter, the narcissist will have every excuse in the book ready for them.

Unfortunately for you its very difficult to have a relationship with one parent when the other is toxic.

I found it impossible and ended up becoming estranged from both. I think you posted about this before and I also responded?

I tried for a long time to maintain the relationship with the non toxic parent but now, many years later, I see that the reality was that that person had a choice and they chose a toxic partner over their children - over and over again. I used to make all sorts of excuses for it but it came down to codependency. They were facilitating and enabling the toxic parent of their own free will. There was no way to maintain contact with only one as they were too closely intermingled. In fact, the parent I perceived as "weak" was actually toxic themselves and maintaining the status quo. I was only entirely free after I cut contact from both.

Yes I did post about it before, when it was very new. Now it's a few months later and I'm trying to navigate my relationship with my other parent.
I can absolutely see how it is difficult to maintain, and how many end up estranged from both parents. I'm sorry that your situation ended up this way. Have you got some closure now?

....... · 29-05-2019 5:18pm

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Yes I did post about it before, when it was very new. Now it's a few months later and I'm trying to navigate my relationship with my other parent.
I can absolutely see how it is difficult to maintain, and how many end up estranged from both parents. I'm sorry that your situation ended up this way. Have you got some closure now?

I thought I recognised it alright.

You *may* be able to maintain a relationship with the other parent, but I can remember how it became a "shadow" relationship in my case, the toxic parent was still always put first so I could only see my other parent after christmas or events. Although an odd comparison - it was a bit like being a mistress, always playing second fiddle.

I do have closure now. Both my parents died in an accident caused by the toxic parent but I had made my peace with it long before then. I went to a lot of therapy to stop feeling bad about having to estrange myself long before they died.

Hannibal_Smith · 29-05-2019 5:29pm

....... wrote: »

I tried for a long time to maintain the relationship with the non toxic parent but now, many years later, I see that the reality was that that person had a choice and they chose a toxic partner over their children - over and over again. I used to make all sorts of excuses for it but it came down to codependency. They were facilitating and enabling the toxic parent of their own free will. .

This is so true and it's a thought I had myself recently. My dad had a conversation with me recently about my mother and I told him he might be complicit in her behaviour but I don't have to be.

Anyhow OP maybe a polite conversation with the parent you are talking to might be a good idea. I'm sure they feel they're doing the right thing but if you feel it's reopening the wound everytime, then it might be an idea to put a stop to it.

29-05-2019 5:36pm

absolutely nothing wrong with making it clear to the parent you speak to that you'd rather not hear too much about the one you dont

ignore anyone in the thread who has a problem with that

if the parent you do speak to has a problem with that, then youll have to deal with it together but you're certainly not out of line in asking. youre not anybodys support mule

Hedgelayer · 29-05-2019 5:41pm

Oh narcissistic parents and borderline Personality Disorder.

I empathise with the OP.

Parents like this are extremely hard to get on with, its like being in a room with a load of people and you already know a grenade is going to be thrown into the middle of the room, but the problem is you don't know when it will be thrown.

Dealing with BPD in a parent is horrific, especially if they emotionally abused you for years and kept on splitting.

Splitting is where someone loves you one moment but if you're not reading from their perceived script, they'll hate you and attempt to ruin the outcome of your day.

People around them sometimes are not aware of the capability of the narcissist, so will be on the narcissists side not empathic but more like self preservation.

I think the OP already knows what to do but the fears creeping back in again...

There's no compromise in this situation.

I hear you OP I hope you mind yourself

Family estrangement - advice needed

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