Boyfriend, his daughter and baby momma drama

SAyit

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. He has a daughter who is two and a half. she was the result of a very short hook up type relationship. The little one lives over two hours away. After over a year I got to meet his daughter. The reason it took so long was because he was afraid to upset her mother who is temperamental to say the least! He used to have to ask her every week if he could see his LG and the response would vary from “yes of course” to “no your not coming to see her, she doesn’t even know who you are”
After more than a year of this he finally plucked up the courage to go to court but even now there’s an order in place he’s still playing to her beat and it’s driving me nuts!
He’s suppose to go and collect the LG one weekend day and take her out for a few hours but every week he still asks what day and time he can take his LG
the judge told him he’s to have some say but he’s still letting her have all the control.
I feel like screaming at him to grow a pair but I never know what’s my place or where I stand.
Soon he’ll be having over nights but still he’s asking what suits her and refuses to take any control or responsibility! He still lives at home with his parents and I Worry it’s His own mother that will be doing all the heavy lifting and he’ll just be there to play!
It’s a complicated situation. I can’t make plans because we’ve to always wait and see what she says first! It’s driving me crazy and anytime I try say anything all I get is “you don’t know how hard it is” or “LG has to come first”
I’m not trying to say I should be put before his child but surely my opinion or feelings should matter some what!
I love him but long term if we stay together and have our own kids I’d want him to be more hands on!
I’d also like to be able to treat his LG the same as I would my own children but I don’t know if that will ever be possible when LG mother makes all the rules!
Someone please tell me am I crazy? Should I walk away now or how can I get things on the right track!

Snugglebunnies

He'll just have ask her to stick to the court order, usually there is set days and times for access laid out in them.
I'd stay out of it if I were you, it's up to your boyfriend to sort and if the babies mother thinks you're interfering it will make things a whole lot worse.

maxsmum

I had to stop reading a few sentences in when I realised the exclamation marks weren't stopping.
Sorry for your troubles however.

Loveinapril

This isn't your situation to be meddling with. You have only met the daughter once, yet you say you 'adore' her and want to treat her like one of your possible future kids... I really think you need to take a step back here, you are jumping well ahead of yourself. Your boyfriend is doing what feels right for him and his child. Yes, you may find it frustrating that he cannot plan in advance but if he prefers to work like that, then you need to go with it. They went to court, yet he is still choosing to work on a more casual basis- this is HIS choice as the father. "Baby momma drama" will only exist if you allow it to. They appear to do what works for them. If he starts moaning about it, redirect him to change the arrangements and don't get involved. I also think it is odd how you seem to mention his parenting capabilities in your post as a side issue. Is this something you have discussed with him? How old are you?

Peatys

This is none of your business. You only dating a couple of years and not living together. He is far more interested in spending whatever time he can with his daughter. Leave him to it, he's under enough stress dealing with one drama queen.

Pawwed Rig

I got LG is little girl but what is BM?

Ultimately despite the court order his ex has all the cards. She ultimately determines whether he sees his daughter or not. There are few if any consequences for a mother who makes things difficult for a Dad. There are men up and down the country that are refused access or have their children poisoned against them so he is right to tread cautiously here. You see it as having no balls but he might see it as the most secure behaviour.

Peatys

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I got LG is little girl but what is BM?

Can't believe I'm going to type this, but

Baby Momma.

*Hangs head in shame*




Disclaimer: only know this term from the thread title.

Pawwed Rig

Peatys wrote: »

Can't believe I'm going to type this, but

Baby Momma.

*Hangs head in shame*

Sweet Lord

Bob Harris

Does he refer to the LG's mother as baby momma?

LegacyUser

OP you casually mention that when overnight visits start it will be his mother doing the bulk of the work not him. Do you think maybe the mother of the child is aware of this and doesn't want her child being dumped on Granny when she should be with her father?

You don't say the mother is stopping him seeing her, only that she is deciding the day and time. Yes that is annoying and controlling of her but he is still seeing his child correct?

You not meeting her for over a year is not usual. Most people would say parents should wait before introducing partners to children to make sure the relationship is stable and there isn't going to be a string of different people coming in and out of the childs life.

Another day

There is nothing you can or should do. Having said that.... With no routine in place, set days and time, it is going to be rough and unsettling for everyone. It will get even tougher when holiday time comes round, when he makes plans for a night away etc as the mother will pick those times as his as soon as she hears his plans.

I would suggest to him to contact mum to set up definite days and times so that everyone knows where they are/should be and can make plans around that. Make the suggestion and then leave it to him.

zapper55

It's her mother not baby mother. You are coming across like you love drama, you adore the child and have only met her once?

Your boyfriend is probably afraid that if he rocks the boat he will lose access. Thats wrong and horrible but understandable that he has that fear as the relationship with the woman sounds quite fragile.

Though I think the above is a distraction, he lives at home and his mother will probably mind the baby when it comes over? He sounds like he will never grow up. Is there any talk of your future together or even living together?

Ursus Horribilis

I think this relationship isn't for you. Your boyfriend's daughter will always be a part of his life. As will the mother of his child. You can call her any names you want (the baby momma moniker says a lot more about you than about her) but she did choose to have this child and to raise her. Unfortunately, unmarried fathers can still be on the back foot when it comes to parenting their own children. And given that his relationship with this woman isn't good, it's a tricky situation to negotiate. He may feel that ploughing into the situation, all guns blazing isn't the approach to take.

You're also judging your boyfriend here. He's not dealing with the parenting situation in the way *you* want him to. And you've also criticised his parenting style and suggested that it's his mother who'll be doing the heavy lifting. All of this makes me wonder why are you with him? You can't just separate out the bits when you and he are together. This child and the ex are also part of your relationship. And given that it is clearly stressing you out and making you angry, is it the right relationship for you?

LegacyUser

As a mother I think it is possible as child is 2 and a half that she is transitioning out of daytime naps etc and it can be a bit unpredictable as to when they will be tired etc and that is the reason that the mother cannot give an exact time as the child is not in a routine anymore?

Snugglebunnies

MissKMAC wrote: »

As a mother I think it is possible as child is 2 and a half that she is transitioning out of daytime naps etc and it can be a bit unpredictable as to when they will be tired etc and that is the reason that the mother cannot give an exact time as the child is not in a routine anymore?

Very true, things need to be worked around the child not daddys girlfriend.

wiggle16

Hi OP. Mumsnet acronyms are not allowed in PI as not everyone knows what they mean and it makes your post hard to read. Please refrain from using them in replies.

To be blunt.... no. You don't have any say in this. It's between him and the mother of his child. You're a third party, for all intents and purposes.

If you're in a relationship with someone who has a child then you have to accept that the child is always going to come first. That's not for everyone but you're going to have to decide if this is what you want. There are times where you are going to have to take a backseat to the child.

I think you need to consider the position you are putting him in - you're saying that you have a problem with the mother of his child having so much of a say in when he sees his child, but you want to have a say yourself? When do his wishes come into it then?

This sounds like unnecessary drama for you, and from you to a certain extent. The mother of the child sounds difficult but he can only deal with her as best he can - he's doing it to suit her because he wants to see his child. He knows if he takes her on she will make access difficult if not impossible. He's not going to rock that boat. If you're not happy about that then you have a decision to make. You're either on board with erratic access or you're not. If he's not going to do this for his own sake he's sure as hell not going to do it for you.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want. Your interference won't change anything.

Megwepz

Don't respond to many posts here but as a separated mother of a small child I must agree with other posters that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. This child who is barely a toddler is not yours to 'treat as you would your own child' and if I were this child's mother I would be incensed reading this. If your partner only has his daughter one day a week for a matter of hours then you shouldn't even be around during that time, this is his quality time with his daughter, he has plenty of free time to have a relationship with you during the other 6 days of the week and matters relating to the custody of this child are none of your business. You say 'surely your opinion should matter somewhat'.... it absolutely, categorically does not. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but I'm speaking from experience. I have been sharing custody of my son for 5 years and have never introduced my son to someone I was dating...one of these people I was dating for 3.5yrs. And I can tell you that if anyone I dated expressed their unwanted opinion on my custody or parenting they would get the road immediately.

Megwepz

Megwepz wrote: »

...

Fair play to you.

OP, take note. This is how it's supposed to be and what you're dealing with here, so understand this isn't a battle you want to be fighting in. You can't possibly 'win'. You accept it for what it is, or you move on.

Wabbit Ears

OP also doesn't realise how potentially fragile a fathers visitation rights are in this country. If hes doing everything he can to work around the mothers timetables to ensure he can see his child then that what he has to do.

OP has nothing to lose. Her BF has everything to lose.

Big Bag of Chips

She is the parent 24/7. He is the parent for a few hours at the weekend. I think it is reasonable that he would check with her that it's all OK to collect his daughter. I'm not saying she has a right to just decide that he can't see her on a given day, but I wouldn't think it is that unusual for them to check that she's available, not sick, not tired, there's not a party, communion, confirmation that the mother will be bringing her too.

He should absolutely have a say in when and where he collects her. But even if a court order specifies a day, a time and a place that would still change occasionally if something else cropped up (on either side).

My husband had a daughter when I met him. Her mother had full custody of her, and he took her at the weekends. As such we had to accept that we couldn't up and off for weekends here or there. We could plan ahead of time with her mother if there was something specific we wanted to go to. (Same way as any parent who wants to go away for a weekend has to make arrangements in advance). If we usually always took her on a Friday night, occasionally her mam might change it to a Saturday night. Sometimes we mightn't take her at all because her mam would have arranged something for a weekend with her. Sometimes we'd take her for the whole weekend if her mam had something on.

There absolutely has to be give and take, and it has to be between them. You honestly don't get a say. You are the partner you of a father who sees his child for a few hours a week. The mother is doing all the heavy lifting in this scenario. You can't dictate anything to anyone. You can encourage him to maybe try set regular and routine days and times, and only have contact to confirm he will be there or if either need to change plans. But, I repeat, you cannot dictate anything. If being in a relationship with a parent is proving too unpredictable for you, then you might have to consider your longterm future. It's not something everyone is cut out for.

StinkyMunkey

A lot of people here are quick to dismiss your concerns. From what you have said the mother of the child is using the child to control an aspect of your boyfriends life. I've seen this type of behaviour first hand and I cannot abide a person using a child to get to another person.

While your boyfriend does have a duty of care to the child, this by no means is a pass to totally dismiss how your feeling. You have very right to expect a certain level of care and attention from your boyfriend.

Anyone who tells you that you should suck it up and put up with it, is talking out their ass. How people on here think it's perfectly fine for you to put up with this woman's antics is unreal.

The fact he had to fight for any type of visiting rights proves that the mother has little interest in the child best interests and is a spiteful bitch.

A couple of things to bear in mind though. It sounds like even though he wants to see the child he is happy for others to do the heavy lifting. And most importantly you have to accept that going forward this spiteful bitch will forever be apart of your life by proxy.

If you can accept that you will always have to play by her rules then keep the relationship going.

For the record I'm a parent. There is nothing more contemptible or insidious than a person using a their child to get to another parent, it damages the child, anyone who says different is retarded.

Big Bag of Chips

As the gf of a part-time father it doesn't matter what we tell you she should do, or he should do, it's not going to help you. All we can tell you is what you can do. And as the gf of a man who has a child with another woman and who seems happy enough with the way things go between them, you can't change much.

You can advise. You can make suggestions as to how to better organise himself and his time with his child, but thinking you can tell him or the mother how you expect things to be, or how you would like things to work is pointless.

You are entitled to feel annoyed and upset if plans change regularly, but unless your bf decides that he wants to make changes then there is nothing you can do.

That's not dismissing your concerns. That's just letting you know where you stand.

I am a mother and a step mother. My step daughter is an adult now. But when she was younger she had two parents who were the ones making arrangements around her. I was there purely as a support to my husband. To offer suggestion or opinion if required. But I didn't have a "say" as such. The decision you need to make is are you ok accepting that.