No reply

sallyanne12

Hey guys sorry for the minor issue I have. I understand people have much bigger issues but I just wanted to see if this issue is mine or not...
My husband and I made friends with a couple a few months ago. They appear a lovely couple and we've met up several times over the months. We have a lot in common also. My husband and the woman's husband would meet for pints regularly and the 4 of us would catch up now and again (not as often)
I messaged this woman 2 weeks ago saying how it's been long since we met up and would she like to catch up soon for a few drinks. She read the message and ignored me. I feel it's quite rude and hurtful and as she replied after a long time the last time I messaged and apologising, it's clear she's not sorry. Just doesn't want to be my friend?
And how do I broach it with her if she does eventually reply... I don't like that disrespect and ignorance

pwurple

People have things going on in their lives. I've been best friends with the same person for nearly 30 years, and we often go 3 even 6 months without a reply or a message. We're busy. People's families get sick, they are planning holidays, something is happening at work. Bills come in, some drama happens. Grown up life gets in the way of message replies.

I know the etiquette is to reply, but honest mistakes happen, and some people are better at communicating than others. Don't take it to heart. I doubt there is malice in it.

miamee

She may not be in a position to meet up at the moment for drinks and is waiting until she is free to get back to you rather than just saying 'No I can't'. She could be having a stressful time with work, illness, a sick relative, anything at all really. I'd just leave it, she'll get back to you when she has time.

valoren

When you make a request there should be a response. It's not like you sent her information (a joke, a bit of gossip etc) which doesn't warrant a response. You've asked her if she'd like to meet up. An invitation. An open ended one. Instant communication and yes, it's incredibly rude to not reply. Her not giving a response leaves you in a lurch which you wouldn't be in if what you messaged was close ended.

If she is busy, sick, stressed then she doesn't have to say so or be explicit about it. I'm sure you'd understand anyway. A simple 'sorry perhaps another time/not the best time for me/hope all well/yadda yadda' would suffice. Too much effort I guess and you are quite right to be annoyed about it. That you don't know each other that well doesn't excuse rudeness.

Dr Turk Turkelton

Is there perhaps a chance that she thinks you and your husband are grooming them for some swapping?

petes

Dr Turk Turkelton wrote: »

Is there perhaps a chance that she thinks you and your husband are grooming them for some swapping?

Sorry, what?

dudara

Dr Turk Turkelton wrote: »

Is there perhaps a chance that she thinks you and your husband are grooming them for some swapping?

Please read the forum charter before posting again. We expect a higher standard of response here.

dudara

iamwhoiam

I think a quick reply " I will get back to you " would be more polite than nothing at all

santana75

Op the most important thing you can do here is to acknowledge to yourself that, yes this is hurtful, but after you've done that, to recognize that its not personal. Theres a book called The four agreements and one of the agreements is to never, ever take anything personally. If you do it will latch onto you and become bitterness and anger towards the other person and when that happens you are the one who suffers, not the other person. You have to not take it personally, let it go and forgive her. I mean be wise aswell here. Obviously this is not a person you should bet the farm on. She's probably a bit flaky and so its a good idea not to pursue a friendship with her because she will in all likelihood let you down again and again. Not personal, like I said, some people are so lost in their own thoughts and desires that they forget about anyone else but themselves. Its not malicious, but you have to look after yourself around people like this. Forgive, and let it go.

Dr Turk Turkelton

Mod warning:

You were advised already by an admin about the standard of posting expected in PI. Any further posts like this will be carded.

wiggle16

wirelessdude01

My good lady often looks at a text, is busy and thinks I'll reply later and forgets.

However in this instance as it had happened previously I would take the opinion that the wife doesn't like you and just suffers you as the hubbies get on.

dudara

sallyanne12 wrote: »

and as she replied after a long time the last time I messaged and apologising, it's clear she's not sorry. Just doesn't want to be my friend?

All that you know for certain right now is that she hasn’t replied. Anything else is pure speculation on your part. You’re making making assumptions about her motivations which may or may not be correct.

And how do I broach it with her if she does eventually reply... I don't like that disrespect and ignorance

Using words like “disrespect and ignorance” are a bit strong IMO. Right now you have no idea why she hasn’t replied. You say that your husbands go for pints together. Why not ask your husband to casually raise it with her husband? See if he can get any intel.

sallyanne12

Thank you all for your kind replies (except for that poster who seriously needs to grow up a bit..)
I suppose I'm a bit over sensitive and couldn't understand it cos I've always been a good friend and there for her etc. Never delayed to reply when she initiated in the beginning. I just don't want to reply as if it's all fine if she messages me because it's annoying to wait weeks for a response. I'd like to politely raise it with her. And now that I think of it, I'm much more open than her. I open and share things about my life whereas she's a closed book. It's hard to be friends with people who don't allow u in.. maybe I should forget about her

valoren

Give it a few days if no reply then send a prompt follow up text 'All ok?' and take it from there.

Big Bag of Chips

You can choose to forget about her, or you can choose to accept her for who she is and amend your expectations of the friendship. So you share a lot, she doesn't. That doesn't make her wrong and you right. You are a fairly new friend (acquaintance). It seems your husbands are better friends than you two. Maybe she doesn't feel the need to open up to you. Maybe she has other, closer, longterm friends she opens up to.

You're not going to become besties with everyone you meet. I have different degrees of friends. I have a maximum of 2 very close friends who I would trust with my deepest thoughts etc. I have various other groups of friends who I would share varying degrees of my life with.

She may have simply forgotten to reply. She may have seen it, maybe was in a queue in a shop, maybe someone knocked on the door, maybe her washing machine finished etc and then other texts came through and yours slipped down the list and was forgotten.

It doesn't make her an awful person, or rude or that she's snubbing you, or that she actively doesn't like you etc. But your husbands might just be better friends than you are. That's fine!

zapper55

You are taking this far too much to heart. If a friend sees my text invite and doesn't respond I assume they are busy and that it's not personal. If they were.a good friend I might send a follow up in a few days saying hey just checking about x.

If they are a casual acquaintance I'd leave it.

otnomart

I think she is rude as she should have replied "Sorry, I am busy" instead if ignoring your text.

That said, it does not seem she wants to be friends with you, and she just sees you as 'her husband's mate's wife".

Don't say anything, just let if be and focus on your own friends and/or making new friends - if that is what you want to do.

kg703

I am absolutely terrrible for replying to things, I often read a message in work, be too busy to reply because you know it’s going to be more than one text and then completely forget. Happens me all the time. It’s a busy world! Sometimes I might not see some of my friends for months!

If someone I knew six months, called me out and said they thought I was ignorant and disrespectful that would be the last they’d hear from me.

A follow up text is no issue, she may have forgotten?

Also people have different types of friendships, it’s unfair to compare your relationship to both your husbands. Don’t take it personally.

ManOfMystery

Is it possible you're overthinking this?

I have a group of 6 friends who keep in touch on a very regular basis and often arrange nights out. Without fail there will always be someone every few months who doesn't reply to a message - and it's not out of malice or rudeness, it's simply that they've been busy when they received it (work, home life, gym, whatever) and simply forgot to respond.

Some people simply aren't big into texts or whatsapp etc too. My wife is like this, rarely messages and is slow to respond to messages compared to some people who never let their phone out of their hand. She's much more into conversation in person.

If this lady was giving you other signals that she doesn't like you - rude in person, no conversation, constant refusal to meet - I'd say cut your losses as she obviously isn't interested in having any semblance of a friendship. But that's not the case, it's actually been the opposite. So I'd cut her some slack and assume she was busy and forgot to respond.

LegacyUser

Think you could be over thinking things OP. I often get messages that I see while doing something else and make a mental note to reply later then totally forget. For my close friends it's not an issue as they'll call or I'll see them in person but there are people I'm not so close to who prefer text message and yes I often forget to answer. Not everyone is great at text messaging.

If you want to catch up why not call her and ask rather then getting so worked up over a text?

Idle Passerby

Perhaps she just doesn't want as intense a connection as you do. You've only known each other few months, to me that's a casual acquaintanceship, not a friendship per say.

I would find it overbearing and uncomfortable if someone I had only known briefly was messaging me regularly, telling me personal things and wanting to meet up often. If that person then had a go at me for not replying straight away I'd be making sure to avoid them in future. You can't force a friendship. It will happen naturally if both people want it to.

qwerty13

I really do think it is solely your issue. Many reasons:

- maybe she’s busy / has a lot going on
- maybe she simply forgot
- maybe your husband and hers get on better than she & you do
- maybe she has enough social activities with her own friends
- maybe she prioritises friends she’s known a lot longer than you

Given the short amount of time you’ve known her, I would say that you are not a friend, but an acquaintance. I do not think it is reasonable to take her lack of response as ignorance or disrespect. I think you simply aren’t really on her radar.

It struck me mildly that the 2 husbands meet more regularly than you do as a foursome. Maybe this is an indication that it is really the 2 men who are forming a friendship, not the 4 of you. Again, of course, that could be just circumstance that she’s busy. Or that she sees the acquaintance as a very new / loose arrangement kind of thing. Which I don’t think is at all unreasonable.

There is the possibility that she isn’t interested in being your friend. And that’s her choice. That doesn’t make her rude, ignorant or disrespectful.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

I have a friend, a really good friend, can take her weeks to respond, it's just who she is and I know she has loads going on. If she takes a very long time and I'm waiting on a response I always say "Heya, hope all's OK my lovely xxx"

And it always is

I'm not the worst but I can take a few days, it's not ever intentional, just forget or get caught up in other stuff. She may just have loads on or be a crappy texter

Bobtheman

Always good to have a wide circle of friends and hobbies. Never be dependent on one couple. If they dont reply leave it. If you eventually hear back and the reason is justifiable then decide. But in the meantime you are way over thinking this