Is it a big deal?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Decided to go anonymous for this as I don't know if I'm over reacting or not.

My BF and his ex follow each other on social media, they have a son together. Anytime my BF posts something she will comment on it no matter what it is. Like ok if he posts a picture of their son and she comments that's understandable but if he posts a picture of a night out I really don't think there is any need for her to comment on it, I honestly feel like it is to get at me and like she wants to let me know she won't be going anywhere - she is loving the fact the she is on his social media. When I asked him to block her because it's really bothering me he said it's not a big deal but it is to me, especially when I have friends asking me his ex is commenting on his post. I can't see her profile as it's private so don't know if it is reciprocated. Am I over-reacting?

.......

Block her yourself then you wont see her posts.

If anyone asks you why she is commenting, tell them to ask her.

skallywag

No, I would not have him block her. One way or another they have a son together so whether you like it or not she ain't gonna be goin' anywhere soon. If you see a mid to long term future here, it is usually much better for you to have him and her on good terms, assuming of course that it's not going in an intimate direction.

Are you really sure that she is doing this to get at you? Some people just comment on all and everything.

SozBbz

You need to relax and get some perspective.

They have a child, they will always be in each others lives.

Unless her comments are inappropriate, then what business is it of yours? Him blocking her would only likely cause issues between them which would impact their child. Why would you want to cause trouble where there is none?

Presumably you knew he had a child before getting together with him? Therefore that childs mother will exist, and if they have a frieldly relationship now well all the better. She shouldnt have to answer to you.

If its a real problem for you, then perhaps your partner could stop posting on social media.

LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

Block her yourself then you wont see her posts.

If anyone asks you why she is commenting, tell them to ask her.

I will go with this thank you.

Of course I want them on be on good terms and I never said she should have to answer to me, obviously I know they have to be in each others lives. I simply think the volume of comments from her on his social media is inappropriate and unnecessary and wanted to know if I was over-reacting, clearly I am so thank you for your replies

LegacyUser

SozBbz wrote: »

Unless her comments are inappropriate, then what business is it of yours?

As his partner of 6 years I would think it is somewhat my business by now

DonnaDarko09

What exactly is she commenting? Is it inappropriate?

About a year into my relationship, I noticed my partners ex, whom he also has a kid with, was commenting and liking all of his posts following a trip abroad (I was not there as it was combined with a work trip). Some were just scenery photos and she would comment with lovehearts or lovey eyes. Others would be just her liking his selfies on a beach. I am not sure if it was appropriate but it did make me wonder if something was going on. I don’t know why or when exactly (a few years?) but I since discovered they no longer follow each other or are friends on social media.

I will go against the advice given here already and say there is no need for them to still be connected on social media. My partner and his ex get along great now but without the connectedness of social media.

skallywag

amioverreacting wrote: »

...I simply think the volume of comments from her on his social media is inappropriate and unnecessary and wanted to know if I was over-reacting, clearly I am so thank you for your replies

The exact context here would be important for me. Is she leaving a string of hearts etc. or going in any way of a flirty direction? If it's a normal class of commenting, which might also be made by other friends, etc, then I would honestly just leave it be.

wiggle16

I'm sorry, but it's really not your business, OP. You shouldn't tell him who he can and cant interact with. I understand where you are coming from but once you start trying to influence who your partner interacts with you're crossing the line into being controlling.

It's the mother of his child. He is best to stay on good terms with her. She's always going to be in his life.

So what if she posts on his social media? It's just social media, it doesn't mean anything. I don't mean to be harsh but the issue here comes across more like insecurity on your part, not your partner or his ex's behaviour. Don't let it get the better of you.

And look at it this way: if she is doing this to get to you like you say, it's working! You'd be playing right into her hands by asking him to block her, because then it's you creating a problem in your relationship.

Rise above it and hide her posts. Don't play into her hands, you'd be putting your partner into an awkward position. You're not the problem here, for sure, but if you rise to her then that's how it will seem.

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amioverreacting wrote: »

As his partner of 6 years I would think it is somewhat my business by now

I think that social media is a bit of a minefield.

Some people take it very seriously, some people dont consider it to be like real life, some people spend a lot of time on it and some spend very little time on it. It really affects some people. I have one friend who takes it very seriously if people dont comment or like her posts, she somehow feels like she is being snubbed? Its like she doesnt "get" it. Theres a lot of people like that.

You said in your first post that you think the ex is commenting on his social media to get at you and let you know she isnt going anywhere. This could be true.

Or it could be true that she just spends a lot of empty hours commenting on everything she sees on social media. That could be true too.

Maybe you feel a bit insecure about her generally and this is just something for you to focus on about her because its visible? Its not helping that you have friends then asking you why she is commenting - they are just stirring the pot.

I often think we were better off before all of this "connectedness".

wiggle16

....... wrote: »

I often think we were better off before all of this "connectedness".

Ditto. It creates issues around boundaries and contact that would not have been an issue years ago, leaving people in OP's position in this kind of quandary. The less attention paid to it, the better.

DonnaDarko09

Branchranch wrote: »

She's the mother of his child, for the welfare of their child it's important that they stay quite close. If you can't handle that I'd suggest this relationship might not be for you. Some people would say that insisting that a partner should block their ex is controlling behaviour.

I don’t see why they need to be connected on social media though. Im not sure what you mean by ‘close’. Lines of communication need to remain open of course to co parent if this is what they are doing but there is no need to be connected on social media at all in my experience and opinion.

SozBbz

DonnaDarko09 wrote: »

I don’t see why they need to be connected on social media though. Im not sure what you mean by ‘close’. Lines of communication need to remain open of course to co parent if this is what they are doing but there is no need to be connected on social media at all in my experience and opinion.

With respect, this is not the issue.

Personally I wouldnt want to be on social media with an ex.

That said, they are in touch on social media. The issue is whether or not the OP can tell her boyfriend to block this woman, who happens to be the mother of his child.

I don't think anyone should tell their partner who they can interact with, I think thats a slippery slope into controlling behaviour.

I also think that if this woman is trying to get to the OP by her posting, then reacting to it would only play into her hands.

DonnaDarko09

SozBbz wrote: »

With respect, this is not the issue.

Personally I wouldnt want to be on social media with an ex.

That said, they are in touch on social media. The issue is whether or not the OP can tell her boyfriend to block this woman, who happens to be the mother of his child.

I don't think anyone should tell their partner who they can interact with, I think thats a slippery slope into controlling behaviour.

I also think that if this woman is trying to get to the OP by her posting, then reacting to it would only play into her hands.

I completely agree with you. The OP should not ask her partner to block anyone. But I was referring to the poster that said her partner and his ex need to remain ‘close’ for the sake of their kid.

valoren

He is with you now.

That your friends are mentioning it reads that what his ex might be doing is dog whistling i.e. commenting on everything he posts no matter what it is so that you, his now-partner, get to see that she is very much still an active part of his life. She is his ex and any business relating to their kid can easily be done between them privately via phone numbers/whats app. He has to appreciate that situation. She is an ex for a reason. Would he like it if an ex of yours commented on everything you posted? Would the fact you'd had a child together excuse that? Would he not get riled up if you told him he was being paranoid? It's a grey area. She is his kid's mother as pointed out. Demanding he cut contact is not right, the more appropriate development would be that, out of respect for you, he should be explicitly limiting interactions with the ex to matters relating to their child. You've brought it up so see where he takes it from here.

You say you don't know if he reciprocates and that would be a good insight. An example being if he posted a picture from a night out with him replying to her comment versus him replying to a comment she posts on a picture of their child he posted. He would be prolonging contact with an ex with the former but with the latter he would be maintaining a status quo with his kid's mother for the benefit of their child.

cannotlogin

After 6 years together you should feel secure enough in your relationship that trival stuff like an ex on social media shouldn't bother you.

Maybe you don't feel secure and that's what needs to be addressed rather than the ex's comments.