Approaching women on a night out.

Red Lightning

Hi all.
I'm a 25 year old male and am just looking for some advice on how to improve my interacting skills with women on nights out.

Bit of background, I've never drank so the nightlife scene was never a popular one for me meeting women. Now don't get me wrong, I know lads that don't drink and do well with women on a night out so drink is definitely not needed but I also know plenty of lads that would be hopeless without alcohol.

My main issue is conversation topics. I'd be comfortable chatting to women in general but I feel that on a night out, I struggle to make it more flirty. If I knew a woman fancied me then I would comfortably flirt away which I think shows it's probably a fear of how I come across. I see guys that have a bit of drink in them seem to be a bit more suggestive in these situations but plenty of times it's not met with a positive response. I feel even though I'm comfortable chatting to a woman, my convo topics may seem vanilla or boring.

For example, I do dance on nights out which I know a lot of guys wouldn't be able to do without drink but I'm still sort of stiff compared to if I was dancing in my own company (another time where drink would help guys).

Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks

Rubberchikken

people generally love talking about themselves so a few questions about their lives/jobs/hobbies etc should get the ball rolling.
you dont need to be 'flirty'. it can come across as ridiculous to some. tryjng too hard is obvious too.
be yourself. and i know eady to say but women are only human too so relax:)

good luck

Ursus Horribilis

Do you have any friends who are good craic on a night out? I've a friend who'd start a conversation with a lamp-post once she has drink in her and is good fun to be around. Simply being at ease in her company and not viewing every fella we talked to as potential boyfriend material made a big difference. Women can spot fellas who are a bit desperate or insincere a mile off.

leggo

The solution here is to not talk to women on nights out for the time being. You may get an occasional kiss, maybe a number or a ride, if you carry on hitting and hoping as you are. But you’ll find yourself back writing the same post, except you’ll be saying you’re 26, 27, 28 etc, the way you are thinking.

As others have said, the undoubted correct answer to this is to just chat to them as you would anyone else. To do that takes comfort and confidence in yourself, though. When you’re seeing it as an objective to achieve, a mountain to climb, and trying to break down and analyse every millisecond of interaction...like has been said, it’s blindingly obvious to all involved. I know because I’ve done it myself in my youth and been that guy searching for the quick fix.

Get comfortable in your own skin instead. Start asking yourself what you like about yourself, what you offer to potential partners that others may not, figure out what the finished version of you that you’d like to project to the world is and start working towards that. If you haven’t already start taking up hobbies or doing stuff that involves you being surrounded by people similar to you, find your tribe. If you’re reading this thinking “But I’m lonely and want someone now”...well, trying too hard for instant results is a way of turning short-term loneliness into a long-term issue.

Now I’m in my 30’s and comfortable in myself, I never, ever go out with the objective of finding someone. I wouldn’t ever ‘approach’, as in walk across a bar/dancefloor specifically to chat to someone, anymore. And it’d happen way easier for me now. That’s not bragging or anything, that’s just what happens when you aren’t thinking in the analytical way you are. People can pick up confidence and ease in oneself a mile off and naturally gravitate towards it. So aim for that instead of a quick fix, even though it’ll take time and you’ll probably think it’s not working the first few times you go out and go home alone, then before you know it life is just different and this stuff takes care of itself.

PHG

Greta advice from Leggo and becoming who you want to be. People are attracted to confidence and seeing thta you are striving for your goals (whatever they may be) is attractive. It is all about yourself and being comfortable in yourself, not even about the women.

In general people can sense confidence. For example, we all know those people that just light up a room when they come in. People love to talk about themselves, so just ask questions. Sometimes there will be chemistry BUT most of the time not, that is just life. Have a google on body language too, we express ourselves through our body language and we can "fake" this when needed. There is a lot to be said for the chest out, head held high (not rigid).

I am recently (ish) single and have gone out on a few nights to pull. Result was nothing!! However, I have found when I go out and just chat with mates, go out to have fun and generally not care that I can pull (obviously not every night). As my confidence and self building gets better, the women I talk to are more like the ones I want to talk to for who they are. My confidence was shook but since I started to come around and just have fun, I may not pull every weekend but at worst get some attention.

If you start fearing the worst, that is what you will likely attract, so you have to know what your qualities are. You don't need to be dressed in all designer clothes either but dress somewhat well. I used to be all about the shoes etc. but now I have going out trainers, comfort but also stylish . Not everyones cup of tea but it is who I am!

As an advice, 1st date don't do a meal or cinema. Stick to somewhere you can escape easily if necessary!

Tokyo

Red Lightning wrote: »

Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks

Have you taken onboard any of the advice from your previous threads, OP? From what I have seen, posters here have provided you with the same advice in multiple threads, and there's no reason to believe the advice in this thread will be any different.

Red Lightning

Thanks folks. Great advice in there. Will take all on board.

Church on Tuesday

Red Lightning wrote: »

Hi all.
I'm a 25 year old male and am just looking for some advice on how to improve my interacting skills with women on nights out.

Bit of background, I've never drank so the nightlife scene was never a popular one for me meeting women. Now don't get me wrong, I know lads that don't drink and do well with women on a night out so drink is definitely not needed but I also know plenty of lads that would be hopeless without alcohol.

My main issue is conversation topics. I'd be comfortable chatting to women in general but I feel that on a night out, I struggle to make it more flirty. If I knew a woman fancied me then I would comfortably flirt away which I think shows it's probably a fear of how I come across. I see guys that have a bit of drink in them seem to be a bit more suggestive in these situations but plenty of times it's not met with a positive response. I feel even though I'm comfortable chatting to a woman, my convo topics may seem vanilla or boring.

For example, I do dance on nights out which I know a lot of guys wouldn't be able to do without drink but I'm still sort of stiff compared to if I was dancing in my own company (another time where drink would help guys).

Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks

Most women on a night out are just out to have fun and let their hair down; they are not really interested in meeting a guy. This is why pubs and clubs a lot of the time are not great for meeting women.

Also when drink is involved our perceptions of a persons attractiveness are naturally skewered, even if you get a number off a lady who is hammered it is likely she will not remember you.

What are your interests OP? go to things and events where women may be there and then strike up a conversation. I did that at a gig recently and we hit if off right away because we had something in common from the get go.

If you both have a common interest and if the subtle signs are there (asking you loads of questions about yourself, standing close to you etc etc) then you are basically good to go and you then see where it takes you.

suicide_circus

i wouldnt poo poo nightclubs and bars necessarily, i met girl in one once and i havent been able to get rid of her for the last 7 years.

the more women you talk to, the higher chance you have of hitting it off with someone, its a numbers game but you need to be able to deal with plenty of rejection.

leggo

Branchranch wrote: »

I would say pubs and clubs are the best places as more women on average are more open to meeting a guy, what locations are have more women open to meeting a guy?

Dating apps/Instagram. It’s an age thing: most girls in their 20’s I know hate getting approached in pubs/clubs now. It scans as creepy by default. Nowadays people match people online or slide into DMs, pre-screen them by chatting, then meet them when they’re out with friends. The days of people en masse going out to meet people are ending, if not over. Of course it can happen, and because it was the done thing for so long you’ll get people saying “Well I met my wife” etc, but if you’re looking forward instead of back you may as well look where everyone else is.

Church on Tuesday

suicide_circus wrote: »

i wouldnt poo poo nightclubs and bars necessarily, i met girl in one once and i havent been able to get rid of her for the last 7 years.

the more women you talk to, the higher chance you have of hitting it off with someone, its a numbers game but you need to be able to deal with plenty of rejection.

Certainly you can meet a woman at a pub or nightclub, but the simple reality is that usually men go to these places, the single men that is, in order to attract a partner whilst women go to these places just to have fun.

It's rare that you will get a women coming up chatting to a man for example and that's one of the reasons why. I've already mentioned the drink aspect which can skewer perceptions and no women wants a guy coming up to her with a load of drink in him; he'll be dismissed before he even crosses the nightclub floor.

Branchranch wrote: »

I would say pubs and clubs are the best places as more women on average are more open to meeting a guy, what locations are have more women open to meeting a guy?

Loads. Art gallery's, gigs, Museums, Meetup groups of whatever interest, Volunteering, mutual friends/parties and online dating to a certain extent etc etc

If you can find some interest and activity in which women will be there, you automatically have something in common to talk about.

suicide_circus

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Certainly you can meet a woman at a pub or nightclub, but the simple reality is that usually men go to these places, the single men that is, in order to attract a partner whilst women go to these places just to have fun.

It's rare that you will get a women coming up chatting to a man for example and that's one of the reasons why.

No sorry dont agree. Women may not do much of the approaching but that dosnt mean they dont want to be approached.

Church on Tuesday

suicide_circus wrote: »

No sorry dont agree. Women may not do much of the approaching but that dosnt mean they dont want to be approached.

I never said they don't want to be approached. They 9/10 are not looking for a partner on a night out. They are just out to have fun.

A women will only engage with you if she finds you attractive enough in the first place and that is not her priority for the night.

Red Lightning

Thanks for all the replies. I started this thread cos I wanted to meet women in the real world. I'm not looking for one night stands but I'd love to approach women I fancy to chat. Doesn't have to lead to something cos I know not many will but as someone said it's a numbers game and I will most likely click with someone.
My main problem ATM is I struggle with 'chat'. Chat being young person talk for chatting to a woman with a bit of flirting thrown in. I feel like a boring individual and it probably comes across that I feel like this. I don't come across as an alpha male which a lot of women in their 20's want.

Dial Hard

Red Lightning wrote:

I don't come across as an alpha male which a lot of women in their 20's want.

It's really not.

Church on Tuesday

Red Lightning wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I started this thread cos I wanted to meet women in the real world. I'm not looking for one night stands but I'd love to approach women I fancy to chat. Doesn't have to lead to something cos I know not many will but as someone said it's a numbers game and I will most likely click with someone.
My main problem ATM is I struggle with 'chat'. Chat being young person talk for chatting to a woman with a bit of flirting thrown in. I feel like a boring individual and it probably comes across that I feel like this. I don't come across as an alpha male which a lot of women in their 20's want.

Your main problem, to me, is that you seem to have a certain lack of confidence. Confidence is very attractive to women; not looks, not how much you earn or 'Alpha' or any of that other nonsense.

You need to work on your confidence. The best way to do that is set little goals that you want to achieve. Then set a bigger goal and another and another and so on. Do whatever it is you are passionate about and work towards that no matter what. All these things build up confidence and in turn that will attract trust me.

This 'Alpha Male' tag is bollocks, a symptom of toxic ****e like PUA and Red Pill edge lords. Leave that ****e to the boys because OP no woman likes an angry bitter man; women like to be with men who are fun, kind, ambitious and not a pushover. Dress well, present yourself well in public at all times.

Look, you can keep asking for advice here and when I was a younger man and clueless I made the same mistakes but the most 'alpha' thing you can do right now is apply the advice above and from others here, don't sweat the small stuff, do stuff that's fun where other like minded women may be, strike up an easy conversation and the rest will take care of itself.

Red Lightning

Good way to look at it. I'll put that in motion and really work on it. Thanks all. Mods can close this now.

wiggle16

Good luck OP and happy hunting

Thanks & grma all who posted

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