Modern Family

LegacyUser

My partner co parents his 2 children (8&13) with his ex on a 50:50 basis (kids are with us every second night). They were engaged but never actually married. They broke up due to her addiction issues and he thinks she may have cheated, although she has always denied this. She is now sober a few years. I met my partner a year after they broke up.

We recently had a baby (my first). We had been dating a few years but only began living together when I became pregnant. I also only met his ex for the first time last year so I was largely unaware of their co parenting style. Over the years we dated, their relationship would have been tense from what I gathered but since I had my baby they have been getting on better than they have for years (his words). This is great for everyone involved (especially the kids) but I’ve now become somewhat insecure.

His ex is very outgoing and bubbly and likes to look after herself (nails, lashes, hair done regularly etc - I know this should not be relevant but I can’t help feeling a little insecure after just having a baby) whereas I would be more shy and reserved. Despite our differences I think we get along when we see each other. However, I have felt a little suffocated at times. When the baby was just born, I had only met her a handful of times. She was calling into our house a few times a week to drop the kids off or collect them, and would always ask to come in and see the baby. I did bring it up with my partner about the frequency of visits - he told me she just loves babies. I have felt a little uncomfortable because I wouldn’t even have my close friends or family over as much and she is essentially a stranger to me.

I was in hospital over Christmas unexpectedly, while pregnant, and she stayed with my partner and their kids in our house on Christmas Eve. This would have been our first Christmas spent together in our new place. I did agree to this beforehand so this is on me. I can’t help but feel a little silly for agreeing to it now and I’m not sure I will be ok with this for the future holidays.

My partner and his ex don’t really seem to have set boundaries in the sense of how much and when they communicate but perhaps I am overreacting and this is how two people who get along co-parent. For instance, they will message or ring each other at any time of day. I understand there must and will be a lot of communication to and fro. If something pops into his head he will ring her straight away to ask. He says they only communicate about the children but I know this not to be true. She recently asked him to drop her to her driving test despite us living quite a bit away. She also last week rang my partner after an altercation with a work colleague. I only know as I walked into the room while he was on the call talking in hushed tones so I think he may feel uncomfortable talking around me at times. I have spoken to him before about the frequency of calls/messaging so this is probably my doing and I am sorry to have created a tense atmosphere.

She is single right now so she is probably a bit more dependent on him than if there was another man in her life. My partner agrees that she may lean on him a little too much at times or may overshare aspects of her life but he says that is just who she is.

I do not think anything is happening between them but there have been times I have felt uncomfortable. She has passed a few comments while we were talking privately that I have probably read too much into (eg that my partner “has always had a great body” or “he didn’t like her previous boyfriend”). She has mentioned about other men she has dated and I think she just sees me as a friend. She has gone into detail about why they broke up and the fact she never actually cheated “despite what he thinks” (aside, I do not keep anything from my partner in these regards and he knows we have had these conversations). She also mentioned the fact she cried when she heard I was pregnant but told me there are no feelings between them anymore.

My partner knows about my insecurities and has assured me there is nothing between them anymore. When we first moved in together, he put up old pictures as his screensaver on his computer, and many were of happier times with his ex in their last house (a few in particular showed her half naked and heavily pregnant with child). This probably upset me more than it should have as I was 8 months pregnant myself. He removed most of the pictures featuring her after I asked him to as they were always in my line of view when watching tv. He would be quite sentimental, having pictures of his family up but never one of me or us.

My own insecurities have been fuelled by the fact that my partner and I have not been getting along so well recently. I have felt very lonely and unloved. I am on maternity leave and am now the primary house cleaning, laundry maid who has a baby permanently attached. I still contribute my fair share to rent and expenses yet feel I get little support with the baby as my partner is busy with his other children and job. I spoke to him about how I felt and he admitted he has not been there for me or shown me any love. But he says that he does love me and will try to show his love more. He said he will talk to someone professionally as this was also a problem in his last relationship. I’m not sure if he just gets lazy when in a relationship and takes people for granted or if he actually does not love me. There have also been some trust issues but not fidelity based.

So I am trying to take responsibility now for my own emotions. The last thing I want to do is create a bad environment for the kids. I really want to be more accepting of this blended family situation and I plan on talking to someone. I am also aware I have recently had a baby, and hormones and lack of sleep may be at play, feeding my insecurities. I would love to hear from others in similar situations.

Dial Hard

She is waaaaay to involved in his (and by extension your) life and he in hers and they both need to take a massive step back from eachother. I also have absolutely no idea why you and her are ever in a position where you were having private conversations.

However, I think she's actually a secondary problem right now. The real issue is your partner's lack of support and engagement with you and the baby. May I ask whether the baby was planned?

Also, how serious was the relationship before you got pregnant? You say you "dated" for years. That's a curious way to put it, imo.

LegacyUser

She has come into my home to see the baby when my partner was not around and she would be dropping their kids off, and we would get talking. I have felt awful as a person for these jealous feelings I have been having and have tried to accept that this level of communication is necessary to co-parent successfully. I have asked my partner to set a few boundaries but he says that he will never not communicate with his ex for the sake of the kids which I completely support but they communicate in the morning, at noon and in the evenings on a daily basis at a minimum to discuss drop offs and see how the kids were that morning/night. This is done via texts and calls.

As you said this is the secondary issue. My partner has not been very loving or supportive towards me and this has likely made me focus on their relationship unnecessarily.
The baby was planned but we did not think it would happen so quickly.

Dial Hard

m0dernfamilies00 wrote:

I have tried to accept that this level of communication is necessary to co-parent successfully.

It really isn't though. Two of my siblings have kids with former partners. They both co-parent perfectly successfully with their exes but communication is only ever about the kids and making arrangements. There is absolutely no reason for the level of interaction between your partner and his ex. And this nonsense of her being dependent on him because she's single is just that - utter nonsense. How do you think every other single woman in the world copes???

You need to seriously put your foot down about this. You've already made your feelings known and his response was more or less that his ex's feelings are more important to him yours. That's unbelievably disrespectful.

Conor Bourke

m0dernfamilies00 wrote: »

As you said this is the secondary issue. My partner has not been very loving or supportive towards me and this has likely made me focus on their relationship unnecessarily.
The baby was planned but we did not think it would happen so quickly.

Did you post here about this issue before, while you were pregnant?

LegacyUser

No, I have never posted about this issue. To be honest I'm a little ashamed that I am jealous and insecure, and can't accept this dynamic more and so have been hesitant to discuss before now as I thought people would tell me to just get over it. I understand it is about the kids first and foremost.

I have written here about other issues in our relationship though so some of this may sound familiar perhaps.

lulu1

I have no experience of co parenting but would guess that there shouldnt be any need for them to contact each other so many times if the kids stay every other night.

I would make this clear to him as well

I wouldnt have her staying over either

shesty

I would actually go the opposite and say because the kids are doing every other night in the house, there will naturally increased levels of communication.It seems like an odd setup in that it must be very disjointed for the kids but each to their own.

You definitely need to talk to him more OP, he may be forgetting this is your first.It's his third, he's done this before.I have three and no doubt by the time no.3 arrives it's a very different ballgame.It's a big adjustment the first time though.And yeah, you end up on your own, doing everything with a baby hanging out of you no matter what so to be honest that in itself is not hugely out of the ordinary.(As I eye up a sink full of dishes knowing my husband is going to be useless until the rugby match is over....).

Keep the communication open though.Always communicate.Kids are hard on your relationship, it takes a lot of work.

osarusan

m0dernfamilies00 wrote: »

. To be honest I'm a little ashamed that I am jealous and insecure, and can't accept this dynamic more and so have been hesitant to discuss before now as I thought people would tell me to just get over it.

I think most posters feel that the relationship with the ex goes beyond what is 'necessary' for parenting and veers into something that is inappropriate. So don't feel bad about thinking it's too much, too far, however you describe it, people agree with you.

Now, not all ex-couples hate each other and only have minimum communication. Some still get on well enough, and that's probably a good thing for their kids. But both of them can't fail to recognise that it's possible to cross a line, and sleeping in the same house (not her house) on Christmas eve while you were in hospital surely crosses that line.

I don't know if your partner is making you feel that you are being unreasonable here, or if is a doubt you have come up with all by yourself, but I don't think it's unreasonable, and I think most other posters would agree with me.

SusieBlue

That custody arrangement & level of contact from the ex isn’t sustainable for either the children or your relationship.
It’s actually very unsettling & erratic for the children not to have a home ‘base’ - they must constantly feel like they’re between houses but not really living in either of them.

It’s quite unhealthy & confusing, because there’s two different routines going on.
I’d find it very hard to believe a judge would encourage or agree to that kind of arrangement, is it something they came up with themselves?

Anyway the arrangement is actually the issue here, although as the ‘new’ partner I’m not sure what, if any, leverage you have to change that.

If there’s a drop off and collection happening every single day then they’ll be talking every single day even just to accommodate that.

As a way of limiting their contact and also with the best interests of the kids at heart, would it be possible to even have 3 days on, 3 days off with his older children?
It would allow them to settle a bit more before heading back to their mum and would eliminate the need for them to talk every day.

LegacyUser

SusieBlue wrote: »

That custody arrangement & level of contact from the ex isn’t sustainable for either the children or your relationship.
It’s actually very unsettling & erratic for the children not to have a home ‘base’ - they must constantly feel like they’re between houses but not really living in either of them.

It’s quite unhealthy & confusing, because there’s two different routines going on.
I’d find it very hard to believe a judge would encourage or agree to that kind of arrangement, is it something they came up with themselves?

Anyway the arrangement is actually the issue here, although as the ‘new’ partner I’m not sure what, if any, leverage you have to change that.

If there’s a drop off and collection happening every single day then they’ll be talking every single day even just to accommodate that.

As a way of limiting their contact and also with the best interests of the kids at heart, would it be possible to even have 3 days on, 3 days off with his older children?
It would allow them to settle a bit more before heading back to their mum and would eliminate the need for them to talk every day.

Yes they came up with this arrangement themselves. Both his partner and him lived very close in the same estate before we moved in together last year so it was more sustainable. We would be a good 20-30 minutes away now depending on traffic. When we moved it was suggested that the kids stay 2 nights at each place at a time but neither he nor the kids wanted this. He would have been the sole carer while their mom was sick and he does not like to go a day without seeing his kids.
I'm starting to think there is no room in his life for me or his new baby to be honest. I think his kids will and should always come first but it appears there is little room for anything else. For instance, he rushed over to his ex yesterday afternoon because his kid was crying - she has been having fights with one of her best friends. He took the baby car set with him in his haste, leaving me stranded until he returned. I was trying to get our baby down for a nap at the time so was unaware he was gone.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

I think most posters feel that the relationship with the ex goes beyond what is 'necessary' for parenting and veers into something that is inappropriate. So don't feel bad about thinking it's too much, too far, however you describe it, people agree with you.

Now, not all ex-couples hate each other and only have minimum communication. Some still get on well enough, and that's probably a good thing for their kids. But both of them can't fail to recognise that it's possible to cross a line, and sleeping in the same house (not her house) on Christmas eve while you were in hospital surely crosses that line.

I don't know if your partner is making you feel that you are being unreasonable here, or if is a doubt you have come up with all by yourself, but I don't think it's unreasonable, and I think most other posters would agree with me.

Just to note, she only stayed over Christmas Eve. This was something they would have done in previous years for the kids, taking it in turns to stay at each other's houses. When we moved in together last year, I did not want to rock this arrangement and agreed to her staying over this year. I was meant to be there too, but as it happens, was in hospital. She has not stayed over since and it's certainly not a regular thing.
He has left out his keys for her to access our house if the kids need to get something and neither of us are around. He also had her in for coffee when we initially moved in together (I was at work). She was collecting something but I still felt a little uneasy about this as the kids were at school at the time. Again I don't think it's a regular thing but just an example of perhaps being overly invested in eachother's lives still.

This is ridiculous imo, no way would I allow a patners ex to have a key to my house regardless of how many kids they have together. You seem to think that you're in the wrong here OP but I can honestly say that no woman I know would tolerate any of this, she has way too much input into your life, I'd have a serious talk with him but wouldn't really expect any changes, he's seems to be totally inconsiderate towards you and way too accomadating of her, it's a bit weird imo, make up your mind what you want, tell him and don't let him throw any blame/guilt bad on you, stick to your guns.

Have you discussed this with your family /friends, what's their opinion of him I wonder?

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

This is ridiculous imo, no way would I allow a patners ex to have a key to my house regardless of how many kids they have together. You seem to think that you're in the wrong here OP but I can honestly say that no woman I know would tolerate any of this, she has way too much input into your life, I'd have a serious talk with him but wouldn't really expect any changes, he's seems to be totally inconsiderate towards you and way too accomadating of her, it's a bit weird imo, make up your mind what you want, tell him and don't let him throw any blame/guilt bad on you, stick to your guns.

Have you discussed this with your family /friends, what's their opinion of him I wonder?

She doesn't have a key; he has left his key out for her a couple of times if the kids needed something and we were not around or if she was minding his dog - she minds his dog and he minds hers on occasion.

I have not discussed this with anyone as he says I am being overly jealous and this is what is best for his kids. I agree nothing will likely change so I will have to either accept this level of contact or leave. I think it's great they get along but I just wish it was at more of an arms length.

shesty

The thing is OP-it is what's best for his kids alright (although I agree with Susie Blue, it's totally disjointed for them to be doing every night in a different house and a rather strange set up), but he now has you and a baby, who is also his kid.I mean, he made the decision to bring you into his life and start a family with you.So now he needs to make a few more decisions.He is either with his ex, or not, but at the moment he has a nice halfway-house-style arrangement, that to me seems OTT since you are now on the scene. He sounds like he is certainly prioritising his other kids here, and again, that may just be habit and the fact that a baby is small and usually more with the mother at that age but he does have to sit down and think about how he sees this going in the future.If he is in a relationship with you, then you need to take priority, not his ex.I don't think you are over reacting at all, and I don't think you are jealous exactly-more hurt, bewildered and worried about where you and your child stand in all of this.As you are right to feel.There has to be a serious conversation about it because the whole thing does not sound sustainable to me.

LegacyUser

shesty wrote: »

The thing is OP-it is what's best for his kids alright (although I agree with Susie Blue, it's totally disjointed for them to be doing every night in a different house and a rather strange set up), but he now has you and a baby, who is also his kid.I mean, he made the decision to bring you into his life and start a family with you.So now he needs to make a few more decisions.He is either with his ex, or not, but at the moment he has a nice halfway-house-style arrangement, that to me seems OTT since you are now on the scene. He sounds like he is certainly prioritising his other kids here, and again, that may just be habit and the fact that a baby is small and usually more with the mother at that age but he does have to sit down and think about how he sees this going in the future.If he is in a relationship with you, then you need to take priority, not his ex.I don't think you are over reacting at all, and I don't think you are jealous exactly-more hurt, bewildered and worried about where you and your child stand in all of this.As you are right to feel.There has to be a serious conversation about it because the whole thing does not sound sustainable to me.

Thank you so much for this post. You have put into words exactly how I am feeling.
We tried to talk tonight but he just does not understand it from my point of view at all. All he sees is me being jealous for no reason - when I tell him I trust there is nothing going on between them, he then wonders why I should care how much contact he has with his ex and that it has no impact on my life whatsoever. He told me he made a vow with his ex to discuss their children as if they lived together, and this will include knowing about every bump or knee graze.
He also said she feels a special connection with our baby because it is the sibling of her child so I should be ok with her calling in every once in a while (I am ok with every once in a while).

I am just feeling very confused by it all to be honest - I don't know if I will ever be completely cool with this level of contact. I think if our own relationship improved, it would definitely help.
I have made an appointment to talk to someone this week.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply - I realise my opening post was a bit of an essay.

PeonyBella

OP, I have been in your shoes and it is a really tricky situation to be in. Being the newcomer in a ‘blended’ family is really, really tough, let alone adding a new baby into the mix. You are doing well to be holding it all together so far!

My own situation was so similar that I could have written your post, right down to the dog minding, entering house and needless running around over minor issues. My partners ex was also overly friendly and had no real boundaries which I found very uncomfortable.

It all got too much and I realised I couldn’t stay in the relationship with things as they were. I spent quite a bit of time working out what bothered me most, what I could live with or compromise on and what I absolutely couldn’t. I then sat my partner down and worked through it as calmly as I could without making it sound like an ultimatum (in reality, it was one, but no one responds well to being backed into a corner).

My partner said the thing that woke him up was repeatedly pointing out that he and his ex were separated, but their lives were very, very integrated. Integrated is the opposite of seperated and he needed to decide which one it was. Of course they still need to be in contact re his child, but in a way that prioritised the children as much as possible whilst still reflecting the reality of the situation- they are seperated and now two distinct family units. If they want to operate as a unified family unit, they need to be one, or its too confusing for everyone, including the kids.

We are mostly there but it was a tough long road at times. My partner feels very guilty over the break up and felt like he was disrespecting his daughter by moving on from her mum. Your partner may feel the same, but he needs to own this and work on a compromise you can both live with. You are being entirely reasonable in your position. He is essentially dumping all the compromise and sacrifice on you and your new child. Counselling, particularly someone who specialises in step / blended families could really help if he will agree. Wednesday Martin also has some good articles on the realities of being in a ‘blended’ family.

I’ve a five month old baby and it’s a challenging time! So be kind to yourself. Approach the issue at your own pace and when you are ready.

leggo

^^^

OP there’s your solution in a nutshell. Absolutely spot on post.

shesty

Absolutely!!As I read that post I thought to myself....he is in a three-way relationship essentially, and he can't have that.

The arrival of the baby has stirred things up a lot and it has to introduce a change.You aren't talking jealousy OP, you are talking trying to figure out who he is in the relationship with, her or you.And I don't mean in a sexual way.He can co-parent, but he has a third child now, and he has to step back and figure out how to accommodate them all.And quite frankly, accommodating his ex should be last on his list.I am sure she is nice, but she also has the best of both worlds here-a man who is there all the time for her no matter what, takes her kids when needed, but who she doesn't have to worry about the adult relationship part of things with.

Tell him to forget jealousy, that doesn't enter it.But he needs to figure out where you and baby fit in, and how to parent all three of his kids.He is going to have to because that baby is going to get big and start demanding his attention too. So the conversation is better had now than in three years time.

LegacyUser

Just to update everyone. I am still with my partner. I showed him this thread and he agreed to make some changes and keep messages strictly to about the kids.

Some time has passed and we have still being arguing about this and also other stuff. Last week, I had some suspicions and asked if he would be happy to show me the messages between him and his ex, which he said he would be but "a line was being crossed".
He showed me the latest messages but also angrily scrolled up to prove his point that nothing was going on and I saw my name being mentioned. It turns out that the previous week when we had a fight, they had messaged each other some inappropriate messages. It amounted to her saying she would like a weekend away with him (she was in a place they used to live when they were together and so was feeling nostalgic), and he replied saying they would have some fun, and a few more flirty messages were exchanged. I saw that he had apologised the next day and told her he was confused.

No doubt I'm hurt. These past months I have been made to feel like I have been irrational, and been labeled as jealous and even "manic".

But I have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt that these are the only messages of this nature exchanged since we have been together.
Regardless their relationship has obviously veered into inappropriate territory so I have asked that we all sit down together to establish some boundaries. To feel I can trust him in this relationship going forward, I want them to set up a weekly plan for the kids and stick to that and communicate via the Calendar app, so there will be no more adhoc communication. They want the kids to do 2 nights with us and then 2 nights with her, which is an improvement on the 1 night on/off but is still a little hectic for the kids I feel.

Has anyone any advise or been in a similar situation? The issue here isn't animosity between them but rather the opposite. They have both apologised and agree that boundaries now need to be put into place so that is why I am still here I guess.

leggo

You caught them saying they’d like a weekend away to have some fun after lying and gaslighting you? Ah no OP, that’d be too much for me personally. The trust would be gone. If he’d have come to you and said “Look this happened, I was confused after we fought and here’s what’s going to happen to make it right...” etc, then maybe. But you caught him. It’s very easy to promise wholesale changes after you’ve been caught, but now they’ve shown you you weren’t crazy at all, your suspicions were dead on the money and they will lie and gaslight you at will. You and your boyfriend aren’t the team here, him and her are the ones with their eyes open to the situation coming up with lies to satiate you. And in truth, when she clearly wants more from him, he’s the one playing both of you and getting what he wants.

Also, even taking his story 100% at face value, it’s SUCH a ****ty impulse to respond to a row with your partner (no matter how bad it is) by seeking attention outside the relationship. That’s one of those warning signs you look back on down the line like “Right there is where he was screaming at me what was going to happen and I chose not to listen.”

Is this just gonna happen again the next time you have a row? Can you possibly feel secure in this going forward without feeling like at anytime you could be made a fool of by someone purporting to care about you? When he stays over with her, can you be 100% certain it doesn’t get sexual when clearly their text messages veer that way at times? Be very careful OP, all signs point to you getting hurt here.

Dial Hard

Yeah I'd be gonzo, OP. They are treating you with utter disdain and for some reason you are allowing it.

May I ask what your relationship history before this guy was like?

I don't know why the three of you need to sit down together?
I'd tell him what you want it's up to him to make it happen.

Anne_cordelia

bubblypop wrote: »

I don't know why the three of you need to sit down together?
I'd tell him what you want it's up to him to make it happen.

Absolutely this! You are in a relationship with him and him only.

Look having a baby takes it’s toll on everyone’s relationship. People don’t talk about it but it really does. You have an added complication in your situation. You need to tell him what you need to change to be able to continue in this relationship. If nothing changes, then have very serious thoughts about the future.

Jamaican Me Crazy

OP you’ve gotten some great advice here, I don’t think I can improve on it. You need to be strong and make sure these two are not mugging you off. I can’t get my head around how intertwined their relationship is.

I am co-parenting with my ex and we get on fairly well. I send him a calendar for the up coming 2-3 months which highlights all of our access, special dates to note, school holidays etc. When the child is with each of us it is up to that parent to manage everything during their time (your description of your partner running to his ex’s because the child was crying over an argument with her friend is mind boggling). I don’t need my ex to contact me to update me on every detail of their day, I trust him as the child’s other parent. The same as I don’t update him. Now if our child was sick or injured or something then of course I would let him know.

It is possible to co-parent and be a good, diligent parent without this level of obsessive contact. It absolutely needs to stop. They have separated and that means they need to live separate lives. He has a new life with you and that needs to be his priority, with all three of his children but without his ex.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure he is committed to your relationship? I know that it's more complicated when there is an ex and children involved. But seriously, does he really have to be told that his close relationship with his ex is inappropriate? I get the impression that he isn't over her but is enjoying playing at being in a relationship with her. One where he doesn't have to live with her (you'll do instead) but can still enjoy family life with her and the kids.

There are red flags all over this. You mentioned being made to feel you're being irrational, jealous and "manic". Those aren't the behaviours of a loving partner, are they? It's almost as if you're a nuisance who's inconveniencing those two. Honestly, I don't know why you are settling for this. Do you have nowhere else to go?

shesty

I just wouldn't feel able to trust him again after that.

I don't know what else to say to you OP.It would probably spell the end for me anyway.

Sorry about that

You have been more patient and reasonable than most of us could be op; I wish I could be more like you. Your partner is unbelievably lucky to have you, but is walking all over you instead of counting his blessings.

He has absolutely been gaslighting you. He's also thrilled with himself for getting away with his behaviour and receiving the attentions of two women. (The "I'm confused" text makes me sick btw; by all means show him this).

I don't think much of his ex either, but she has made you no promises; he's the problem here. I'd be inclined to leave them to each other. It's a terrible time for you, and I wish you the best in the future.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I sent him a link to this thread again but he refused to read it, saying he would not listen to advice from random strangers. I sent him a snapshot of the advice from ‘Jamaican-Me-Crazy’ and he said he agreed with it all and wants to put proper boundaries in place.

I felt insecure the other evening and asked again to see his latest messages between the two of them. I wanted to know what he had said to her after I discovered their inappropriate messages. I’m aware my doing so already showed I had lost all trust but I did still have hope for us at this stage and felt if I could just get through these next few weeks and be reassured then I could start trusting him again. He reluctantly showed me the day’s messages (messages were friendly, wishing her good luck in a new job, putting money into her account because she said she was broke, and stuff about the kids, but not inappropriate per se) but he then grabbed the phone off me when I was scrolling up and deleted all messages between them so I will never know if there was anything else said.

I told him I’m leaving him.

He tells me he does love me but seems to be angry and not very remorseful or perhaps just not good at showing it. He tells me he does have difficulty showing his feelings (like love). He promised to change the relationship he has with his ex and get help. He seems to excuse his actions or “put them into context”. He has been unhappy for months and he was feeling particularly down that evening after our big fight. He said he does not feel any attraction towards his ex and downplayed what he was saying to her, in his head and then to me after, as he knew nothing would ever happen between them. But he also realised he was crossing a line, hence the message the next day apologising to her and saying he was confused (confused about our future together as we had been fighting a lot).

I also messaged his ex (she had behaved like a friend towards me over the months, coming into my house, holding my baby, having coffee) and she has apologised for her part and does appear to feel awful for how this has played out. She explained she was in a bad headspace at the time and was feeling nostalgic and has promised me she never ever sees anything happening between them again (“He’s not good for her mental health”). She promised this is the only innapropriate thing that they said to each other over the years. I accept her apology. I think this is important given we will be linked forever with our children now.

I have family support and good finances but I have stayed because I love him. Also leaving means I will need to move 3 hours away, making him a weekend dad which I know will break his heart. I am staying with family right now.

leggo

m0dernfamilies00 wrote: »

He reluctantly showed me the day’s messages (messages were friendly, wishing her good luck in a new job, putting money into her account because she said she was broke, and stuff about the kids, but not inappropriate per se) but he then grabbed the phone off me when I was scrolling up and deleted all messages between them so I will never know if there was anything else said.

I told him I’m leaving him.

He tells me he does love me but seems to be angry and not very remorseful or perhaps just not good at showing it. He tells me he does have difficulty showing his feelings (like love). He promised to change the relationship he has with his ex and get help. He seems to excuse his actions or “put them into context”. He has been unhappy for months and he was feeling particularly down that evening after our big fight. He said he does not feel any attraction towards his ex and downplayed what he was saying to her, in his head and then to me after, as he knew nothing would ever happen between them.

OP as you move further and further away from this in time, this passage in particular will feel completely different. Now you have feelings for him so you want to believe the best possible explanation, but it’s clear as day he was running rings around you and his ex and sweet talking you both. You’d caught them already, he’d promised changes, then when you checked up on this he deleted all messages when you got close to finding out that that was all waffle.

It doesn’t feel like much now I’m sure, but you caught him. You showed your instincts are solid and you can trust them. You’re not crazy. Everything you’ve thought here was on the money and he wasn’t able to pull a fast one on you. As time goes on, you’ll be happy for all this as it’ll mean you’ll be able to move on and have a happy future. Had you continued to let him lie to you it would’ve caused damage but even after he promised change your instincts clearly still knew something was up and you were right.

Try not to feel guilty about needing to move or him being a weekend daddy. None of that is your fault. It’s all a result of his own choices. I’ve got a feeling you’re going to start seeing him in a whole new light as you get space from him and feeling more and more like it was the right call. He made himself a weekend daddy. He understood the situation and what the consequences would be and he did it anyway.

Well done OP. It’s going to be raw for a while but you should be proud of yourself here, you’ve shown incredible strength and judgement throughout all of this.

Dial Hard

Do you honestly think his ex was going to fess up and reply "Yes, sorry, caught rapid, we were totally sexting and having an emotional affair, shan't happen again"??? Or your ex, for that matter? It's well documented that cheaters who are caught out will only ever admit to the bare minimum they literally can no longer deny. Both of these have pulled that off classically and you bave bought it hook, line and sinker.

I know you are emotionally invested in this, OP, but please, please, please try to look this situation from a neutral point of view and ask yourself what advice you'd give to the person?

And I'm afraid I've taken a completely different read of your last post to Leggo, it sounds to me like you went to family for the weekend but have since received these half-assed apologies and "explanations" and are pretty much packing your bags to go back because you believe them. Or want to believe them.

Ultimately, that's your choice and nobody here can tell you what to do but seriously, OP, you've been made a fool of for long enough. Why would you voluntarily sign up for more?

MiliMe

Dial Hard wrote: »

Ultimately, that's your choice and nobody here can tell you what to do but seriously, OP, you've been made a fool of for long enough. Why would you voluntarily sign up for more?

Some people have an awful hard time letting go of ex's, some people never do.
She has said she is leaving him. But i think she is aware that he is always going to be in his life.

OP is linked to this guy (and his ex through her childs brothers / sisters) she needs to have an amicable relationship with him.
So if she needs to hear the excuses to help her get over their broken family she should get them from him and his ex if she needs to.

OP hear what he has to say but remember that he betrayed your trust. He has put himself in this position and you are absolutely right to surround yourself with family/friends to help you get through this and get over him. DONT feel bad for that.

Dial Hard

MiliMe wrote: »

Some people have an awful hard time letting go of ex's, some people never do.

It's not usually a two-way street though.

MiliMe wrote:

OP is linked to this guy (and his ex through her childs brothers / sisters) she needs to have an amicable relationship with him.

Totally agree that she needs to have an amicable relationship with him. I don't agree that there needs to be any link between her and the ex other than the fact that they both had children with him. There's two blended family situations within my family and in neither case do the "new" partners have anything to do with the old one. There's simply no need for it. Now, if all parties are happy to do that and it works for them, great, but that's not the case here.

Anyway, OP, whatever you choose to do, I hope it works out for you. I just know I'd never be able to trust either of them again.

Mike9832

Horribile position to be in OP

Can't see how it's going to work

Two of them sound like they would jump into bed at any opportunity, let them at i say.

If your financially sound, I'd move on

No way to live