Can't seem to get life together

SureYWouldntYa

I just can't seem to get life together at all for myself.

Right now I'm supposed to be on work placement for college, but between a useless co-ordinator in college and the fact I'm petrified to even call anyone for work means I'm looking at a summer of doing sweet fa with myself, the last time I tried to call someone ~2 months ago I had a panic attack doing it, phone calls absolutely petrify me especially ones I'm calling unsolicited, I'm 24 but I don't think I've ever called any of my friends just for a chat like others can do

Speaking of friends I'm at that stage where everybody seems to be drifting, even the old "reliables", one was supposed to come down last weekend and said he'd get back to me last Tuesday and radio silence since

I was in college before in a fantastic place in a fantastic course and effed that up for myself, in another one now that's fine but I did eff up a good opportunity for myself

I managed to lose weight for the first time last summer, going from 26 stone to 23 stone but fell back into old habits again and am still the same

I've never been with a girl at all at all, only ever liked 2 - one who ended up with a good friend so that could never be helped, the other i said i liked back in jan over text since i couldnt have the balls to do it in person even though it was always going to be a no anyway, I've sort of resigned myself to the fact I won't ever find anyone but don't worry I'm not all niceguy or incel blaming women, I know damn well why nobody has ever or will ever be with me

Pretty much all of my problems are of my own doing but i cant seem to help myself, im supposed to go out tonight to celebrate end of exams but all i want to do is go to bed and sleep, even though thats basically all iv done for 4 months, I havent had any interest in doing anything really, bought myself a Switch I couldn't really afford but cant even get into playing that

I'm only 24 but with me screwing everything I just can't seem to see how I'll ever come good, I'm not looking forward to anything, supposed to be going to a gig in a few weeks but I've been thinking of excuses for a while to try and get out of another thing, the few things I've been supposed to do the last while I just end up cancelling because I can't be bothered and would just rather stay at home doing nothing, I'm self aware enough to know I'm the one causing my own problems but still won't try to fix them

jarvis

I think maybe you should visit your GP. Maybe you could be experiencing depression of a sort. Your ‘sleeping for 4 months’ and lack of interest in doing anything would be symptoms I recognise as potentially signs of depression. You seem to have a low self worth which may also point to it and a visit to the GP could be the beginning of a new leaf.
I genuine everyone can find someone to share their life with but before you find someone to love you, you’ll need to live yourself first.
Good luck with it. I genuine hope you find what you’re looking for.

SureYWouldntYa

GP sounds good in theory, but our local one is the overworked and oversubcribed type who you basically need to self diagnose before seeing to get any proper help in any way

I actually felt better after typing out and releasing the op i done, until about 2 hour ago when i saw the girl who i previously mentioned out on a night out, and while she treated me as ‘normal’ and like anyone else on a night out, im home alone before everyone else crying my eyes out because and im not sure if i want anyone else to come back before i properly compose myself or if i want to be left alone for good

jarvis

Clearly the release of writing it had an effect. Maybe then instead of a GP you should look for a local counseling service. Most areas have affordable counseling places but some do have a decent waiting list. Just talking to someone unconnected to you might allow you to explore your feelings and get the same release as writing the op but on a more regular basis to help work through the issues.

Goodigal

OP you are very hard on yourself - there is so much negativity in your post. And sadness. You need to talk to someone, whether it's your GP or someone through a counselling service to discuss what you have written here. You've successfully lost weight before, you can do it again. If you think it will help you. But it all starts in your head. You need to start loving yourself first.
Please talk to someone in a professional capacity and let them help you see yourself differently. You're too young to sound so jaded. Go to that gig. Get out and celebrate exams finishing. Staying at home playing the Switch will not change your life. Only you can do that.
Wishing you well.

Mollyb60

There are a lot of issues in your post OP so I would urge you to speak with someone about them. Talk to your GP, call Pieta house or try to organise some sort of counselling to get this stuff off your mind. It helps to speak about how you're feeling.

But I just wanted to address the phobia of speaking on the phone because it affects me too. I DESPISE talking on the phone. I would almost have panic attacks in the past when faced with having to call someone. I had to develop tactics for helping myself get through phone calls for work etc because sometimes I had no other option but to call. So the best thing that helped me was to write out the main points of what I wanted to say on the phonecall, sometimes even write out full sentences that I wanted to say. I would have a page of bullet points in front of me and would rehearse the conversation in my head (or out loud if I was alone) beforehand. I would also make notes as I spoke on the call to distract myself from the panic, and would try to focus on what the other person was saying rather than how I was feeling. Long deep breaths or focussing on my breathing helped too. Mostly for me, picking up the phone and dialling the number was the most stressful part. So I would (this sounds stupid) try to surprise myself into picking up the phone. I would distract myself and then, all of a sudden, just pick up the receiver and dial the number before my panic could set in.

Even now I still do these little things to help me on a call. But I still find myself gripping the handset so hard that my fingers cramp and my ear gets sore. The ring tone makes me sweat and it's such a relief when I can hang up. I never call my family or friends for chats and I email as much as possible in work and say that it's because I like having things in writing. I do think you can train yourself to deal with it but I've often said that it's a genuine phobia. You could try some of my tactics to help you make a call but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone there. *hugs*