Going it alone

LegacyUser

Hey so ..need some advice. My brother is getting married in a few months and I am considering telling my other half I want to go it alone.

Bit of background.

My other sister got married two years ago and he would only go to the afters because of nerves etc. and tbf he would have been on his own for a lot as I was the Maid of honour.

He gets so anxious about these things and when he did come to the afters he just sorta stressed me cos I was so concerned about him and he would get annoyed at me if I left him alone for too long. It was a downer on my night t be quite honest. Yes I get that sounds mean but sometimes dealing with this behavior can be exhausting.

Last weekend my family and I had planned a weekend away, gave my OH loads of notice, said it was no problem if he didn't want to come (all other spouses were going etc) but I said 100% okay if he didn't want to come as I get that its stressful. In the end he said he would come for one night.

The day he was supposed to turn up he calls, he was out the night before with his own family thing and he was hungover and said he wouldn't be able to travel to my family thing.

The whole thing was pretty annoying, i had to tell my family he now wasn't turning up and had to make up some excuse as tbh I didn't want to use his excuse of being too hungover to go.

I got guilt trips from him all weekend for making him feel bad about not being able to make it, but like it was hard not to be upset about it, but he said he wasn't going to put up with my BS of guilting him etc. (which I wasn't doing)

Anyway...I am thinking of saying to him he gets a full pass not to go to my brothers wedding, purely because I just want to enjoy the day and not have to be freaked out that he is gonna be super stressed ...also...look he probably doesn't want to go anyway. i guess my question is, should I just say I am going on my own or give him the "you don't have to go " spiel.

I guess my other question is...does anyone else have these kinds of issue with their partners? and if so how do you deal with them. I find it exhausting ps. other note, I see his family at least once every two weeks.

ManOfMystery

How long are you with your OH?

I only ask because if it's a relatively new relationship, there may not be any expectation on his part (or others) to be invited to your brother's wedding. Whereas if you've been together years, the situation would be quite different. I can fully understand your reasons for not wanting to bring him.

I know we have to give people some allowance for anxiety and support them, but when you're in a relationship you also have to make an effort and not just stick your head in the sand. Your OH bailing out of the family weekend because of drinking too much left you in an embarrassing position, so you had every right to call him out on it - to then criticise you for 'guilting' him only compounds it.

Where do you see this going longterm? If you two get married how will he handle his own wedding and being the focus of so much attention? Christenings, family events down the years, etc? Are you always going to go alone or is he taking any steps to actually address his anxiety so that he can join in with regular family events?

wiggle16

My ex was like this. Exactly like this.

Take it from me, just say it to him out straight. Don't tell him "it's okay if you don't want to go" because it's not okay, he doesn't want to go and leaves things to the last minute to tell you or turns up and ruins the night. On my birthday for 3 years in a row my ex did this at the last minute, I know how you feel, it's very embarrassing making excuses for someone. And it's not nice being out and knowing your partner would rather be anywhere else in the world, it takes the good out of it.

Just tell him "I don't think you should go. You won't enjoy it, and I know you would prefer not to go anyway, and I can't enjoy myself knowing you would rather be at home than out with me".

In addition, I would make a point of telling him that this decision needs to be made now. Your brother is presumably paying for a plate for your partner. It is very unfair to do a vanishing act at the last minute when someone has paid for your place at the table. At least this way they have a couple of months to either reduce their bill by one plate or to invite someone else in his place. Cancelling for a night out at rhe last minute is one thing. You don't do that at a wedding unless you genuinely can't go.

I know I sound harsh but I know exactly how you feel, I've been there, there is no point pussy-footing around it.

miamee

A family wedding is a big deal and it sounds like you didn't get to enjoy the last one. Considering how the recent family weekend ended up, I'd consider telling him you'll go alone. If you tell him he doesn't have to go, he'll still feel like he should and possibly drag himself to it and be miserable to 'please' you when actually, you'd really rather he just wasn't there unless he's fully committed to the idea. I.e. not expecting you to hold his hand all night.

LegacyUser

Hi Man of Mystery.

We have been going out for 4 years.

These scenarios are really causing me to question where this relationship can go, I mean I am very close to my family and the idea of all these occasions being like a drain because of the way he acts is really bringing me down. Not only that but i get the sense my family don't really like this either.

Now don't get me wrong, he has gone for meals with my family etc. and all usually goes well, but there is always something in the way of it being so obviously a drag for him and it stresses me out. And then it is the way I can't really give out about it to him cos then I'm like "guilting him" and all this and then I'm the b*tch.

If we were to get married I don't think wedding thing would bother him at all. He has far more friends (I have none basically) and his family are quite large. He often has bbqs and gatherings etc. the anxiety seems to be entirely around being just around me and my family/ people he doesn't know very well.

wiggle16

goingitalone123 wrote: »

He often has bbqs and gatherings etc. the anxiety seems to be entirely around being just around me and my family/ people he doesn't know very well.

I don't mean to keep bringing it back to myself and my ex but it's almost like we're talking about the same person!! :P

I think it's something you need to have a talk about, seperately to telling him to either go to the wedding or not. I left it for far too long to address it properly and by then I was unhappy in the relationship (that wasn't the only reason, but he made me feel lonely and not going to anything with me added to that) and I realised he wouldn't change and I wasn't okay with it.

I would talk to him honestly and calmly, and just say that if he doesn't want to go to things, he needs to just say so, because his current way of dealing with them either leaves you embarrassed or on edge and either way you can't enjoy these things. Explain how it makes you feel, and that it's unfair.
And that if he does go to things, he needs to find a way to enjoy them or find the good in them (he really does need to address his anxiety in that regard), because you *do* want him to accompany you to things. But there's no point if he can't enjoy them or might leave you looking like a spare at the last second.

waxmelts2000

I could have written this post too, my ex (recently broke up) was the same. Did not want to spend time with my family and friends. I spent every weekend with him and his 10 year old daughter. My events were maybe something every 2 months or so and each time he caused an issue by saying he doesn't like this, the last one was to go and see the St Patircks Day parade in our local town (20 minutes from start to finish) and he had a face on him and again left it to the last minute causing us to disagree!! Even his daughter was upset.

I did tell him when we started going out that these are important to me and he said he will try but to be honest he just didn't want to go. So I guess you have to talk to him because after weddings come birthdays, christenings etc and my ex wanted to go to none of them!! Best of luck

ManOfMystery

goingitalone123 wrote: »

Hi Man of Mystery.

We have been going out for 4 years.

These scenarios are really causing me to question where this relationship can go, I mean I am very close to my family and the idea of all these occasions being like a drain because of the way he acts is really bringing me down. Not only that but i get the sense my family don't really like this either.

Now don't get me wrong, he has gone for meals with my family etc. and all usually goes well, but there is always something in the way of it being so obviously a drag for him and it stresses me out. And then it is the way I can't really give out about it to him cos then I'm like "guilting him" and all this and then I'm the b*tch.

If we were to get married I don't think wedding thing would bother him at all. He has far more friends (I have none basically) and his family are quite large. He often has bbqs and gatherings etc. the anxiety seems to be entirely around being just around me and my family/ people he doesn't know very well.

In that case then he really needs to address it. His anxiety is not what I would class as severe (I know people who can't handle social situations of any kind, even with family/friends) but nevertheless it is having a detrimental impact on your relationship.

It shouldn't be that difficult. Unless you have a severely toxic family, then family gatherings should be relaxed and fun and full of chit-chat. I know ours are and it doesn't matter if it's my family or my other half's. We look forward to them and everyone should have that luxury too.

Has he discussed taking any steps to address this, via counselling or similar? If not, then perhaps it's time for that chat and to explain how it is making you feel. Can you imagine if you end up married with children and your other half doesn't want to go to any family events, they'll be forever wondering why Daddy doesn't go to these things - never mind the example it's setting.

PARlance

Sounds like he's more selfish, immature and/or manipulative rather than anxious tbh.

He seems to have no issue socialising with his own friends or family and can do events with yours, it just seems like he doesn't really want to.

Warning sign for me that would extend further than just events. You could be doing a lot of things by yourself down the line.

I wouldn't be giving him a get of jail card so freely. Would he have the courage to decline the invitation to your brother in person? Might be a much needed eye opener for him if you tell him that your family will be insulted and that he should speak to them.

valoren

Will you be a bridesmaid at your brother's wedding or will you be a guest? If the latter he has no reason to not want to be there as he'll be with you for the day. If you're a bridesmaid and he get's all anxious then tell him that it's a family wedding, he's your partner, that he's expected to be there out of respect for your family, with his big boy pants on under his suit and a smile on his face. End of story. It's one day and he needs to grow up, cop on and stop being a moaner. If it was his side you would reciprocate because that's just what you do.

bottlebrush

how is he with going to things with you on your own ie the two of you only, no family or friends about. does he like going out for meals together, away for weekends, holidays etc?

cannotlogin

He is your partner.

Sometimes in life we all need to do things we do not particularly enjoy as part of a relationship i.e. visits to the in laws, attending funerals etc.

After 4 years together he should realise this. I would be tempted to give him a pass on the occassion where you were bridesmaid, that's boring for anyone's partner but an otherwise sociable guy should be able to attend the occassional wedding.

Very different if there's a strong history of anxiety but tbh as another poster said, he sounds selfish and immature.

It's up to you but I would expect better from a partner of 4 years.

bobdcow

I'd say if he is like that, just tell him you are not bringing him, as simple as that. It will be a nice family day out for you, you will have plenty of people to sit with, chat to and you can do all that without him putting a downer on your night. I'd leave the phone in the hotel room too, no contact with him throughout the day - enjoy it have fun and stop making excuses for him - if he is too hungover just tell people that, they'll see him in a proper light then.

irishgirl19

I'm going to go against the majority of posters and say that some people just hate things like that.

I have an uncle who and BIL who won't go to anything that involves a sit down dinner because 'they're just not into things like that'.

I myself would literally dread the thoughts of an event coming up with my OH's family. I don't feel comfortable and don't want to have my husband 'minding me' for the day. I feel totally awkward and even more awkward because I'm worrying that people are aware of it.

If we had a wedding where he was a groomsman I would probably feel sick at the thoughts of going and making small talk at a table.
I don't feel awkward with my own immediate family suff when they come up like your boyfriend.
Thats not an excuse it's just genuinely how I feel.

However I have learned that I do need to compromise. For example I have an event coming up ( not a dinner thankfully). I will go and show my face for an hour or so and then leave even though I really, really don't want to but because I know its fair.

In terms of your brothers wedding then maybe it isn't worth the hassle of bringing him but you will have to make excuses for him then unless you are honest and just tell people he doesn't want to go.
However it is give and take. If you aren't in the bridal party then its not too hard for him to even go to the first or second half

leggo

There’s a middle ground here. Yes it’s understandable to get anxiety around these kind of things, I do too. But the way I’ll deal with it with partners is explain I’m better getting to know people one-to-one in small groups. Once I know them and feel comfortable, I’m grand at functions etc. It’s important, when possible, to at least try and build a genuine relationship with the in-laws (and friends). That way you’re not actually alone even if your partner isn’t there the whole time at these things.

Some people are bad at bridging this gap. I had an ex who tried to get me to know her family but would totally throw me in the deep end then give out to me when I didn’t swim. I remember one of the first times I went to a family dinner, meeting a lot of the extended family, she sat on one end of the table and sat me on the other beside some neighbours she wasn’t even close with (I don’t think she even introduced us so I was just ‘Random Man #1’ to them), then just chatted away to everyone on her end. I felt like such a thick, like I was intruding and stealing a meal from a random family I didn’t know. I ended up going into the sitting room after the meal and watching football by myself, and we ended up having a row because of it. But it’s a two way street. If she’d actually introduced and supported me a bit it’d have gone a completely different way, because I’ve done these things, push myself to make an effort and usually coast with a tiny bit of support. Sure my best friends are people I met through an ex!

Keep that in mind too OP. Try see it from his POV and you might get a better response. You’ve been together 4 years, so I imagine you can speak frankly about stuff at this stage without it devolving into an argument. Literally ask him what you can do to help him build a good relationship. It can be double dates with siblings and partners so it’s more intimate and he’s a bigger part of the conversation and not just a spare tyre. Would he rather do this kinda ‘getting to know you’ stuff in bars with a few beers? Or in someone’s house? Maybe somewhere on his home turf? Maybe how you’ve done it already hasn’t played to his strengths and he’s just wrote it all off by now, but if he’s around this long they’ll assume he’s here for the long haul so it’s never too late to start again if you’ve got a supportive family.

If you have been through all this already (entirely possible I know) and are still getting nowhere, then yeah it’s worth questioning and laying down the law as people have already suggested. As someone with social anxiety, there’s a stage where it just becomes rude too and no effort is being made. So you’re not out of line to go hardline and start asking yourself some serious questions either once all options have been exhausted.

up for anything

After four years if he is still uncomfortable with or bored by your family then I doubt things will change. I know I wouldn't be happy if I was sharing my life with someone who couldn't get on with my family. My ex was very much into my family for the first twenty years and then he withdrew. I used to get fed up making excuses for him not appearing at family occasions and in the end when i turned up without him and people asked where he was or was he coming later I'd just say no, he's not coming and I'm not going to make up a big lie why. That was enough said. People stopped asking about him after a couple of years. I think you could probably ask him exactly why he doesn't like going to your family affairs. I don't think anxiety or anything like that is responsible. After four years he still feels anxious with them. No way. He just doesn't like them or enjoy their company I would say and he can't be arsed to pretend.

How would you manage when you have children and there are family occasions? Will he just want to invite his as he won't feel comfortable with yours there?

The mere fact that you are thinking about telling him not to bother coming because you'd enjoy it on your own more is very telling and not just about the wedding. To be honest he sounds a bit selfish and unwilling to try. I'd be finding myself someone more compatible if I were you.

leggo

up for anything wrote: »

I don't think anxiety or anything like that is responsible. After four years he still feels anxious with them. No way. He just doesn't like them or enjoy their company I would say and he can't be arsed to pretend.

People don't understand how crippling anxiety can be and you get generalisations like this as a result. They can think it's 'shyness' or insecurity, that we all get around new people, and you just shake it off and deal with it like everyone has to. It's not like that at all. It's having your own mind cave in on you essentially at the dread of every little thing that's involved in these kind of events. It's having to talk to yourself and practise generic conversations and smalltalk with strangers in your mind over and over and over so you feel minimally ready to face them. (Imagine having to practise a brief chat about the weather 20 times in your head before you felt safe to leave the house, for example) It's awful, overwhelming and some people get it way worse than others. I used to get horrible anxiety about going to stuff regarding my OWN family, people I know all my life, and missed major events and milestones that I still regret to this day. And I love my family, they're great craic. The person I was worried about was me. So if you're dismissing it like this then the simple reality is that you don't understand it.

Having said that...like any mental illness there comes a point where enough is enough and you need to identify a problem and do something about it. If you don't, then you're making a choice to not deal with it, and that's when it becomes fair for people like the OP who love these people to make their own choices.

lulu1

OP go and enjoy your brothers wedding on your own you will have a great day and you wont have to worry about your partner.
Ask him first if he wants to go but if he says no don't force just go on your own

wiggle16

leggo wrote: »

Having said that...like any mental illness there comes a point where enough is enough and you need to identify a problem and do something about it. If you don't, then you're making a choice to not deal with it, and that's when it becomes fair for people like the OP who love these people to make their own choices.

And this is exactly what happened in my case. My partner did suffer from very bad generalised anxiety, very genuinely, and it was draining. Anxiety will always take a toll on the sufferer's partner.
However, he was also not shy about using it as an excuse not to do things he just didn't want to do, like meeting my family (he lived a 20 min walk from my parent's house and he met my mother once, by chance, in the 3 years we were together) or do things I wanted to do. Some instances I could put down to genuine anxiety for sure, but for a lot of them, it wasn't that simple. He wasn't willing to push himself at all. He was too anxious to do things with me, but he was well able if it was something his friends wanted to do. Much like OP's partner. At times it was hard to tell what was being driven by anxiety, and what was being driven by selfishness.

Rereading my first post I realise that it might seem that I'm saying you should accept things how they are, but that's not what I think you should do.
Anxious or not, his attitude to your family leaves a lot wanting. If I knew I'd to go away with my partner's family, I wouldn't get so drunk the night before that I'd be too hungover to go. He knew he'd to travel the following day. He went and got drunk with his own family anyway. That had nothing to do with anxiety. It doesn't look like he'd any intention of going at all... and unfortunately that says a lot about how he feels about spending time with the people in your life.
He also knew that you said it was okay if he didn't want to go. So he didn't. It was about what he wanted, not what would make you happy.

I don't know if this is something you should end your relationship over. However, I do think it something that you need to address or it will fester - I left it too late before really, really telling my ex how I felt about it but by that point I was already lonely in my relationship and I had begun to resent the fact that I put in all the effort with him and got zero back.

You need to sit down with him and talk about it honestly. Explain how it makes you feel - not just the embarrassment of having to explain away his absences, but how exhausting and how unfair it is. You see his family at least once a fortnight. You don't really know when he'll see your family again because he could just "call in hungover" at the last minute. You make an effort to be a part of his social life, while he sees being a part of yours as too much effort. That isn't fair. And as for "guilt tripping" him - no, roundly and soundly tell him to grow up. "You're making me feel bad" is something a six year old boy would say. He's a grown man and if he lets you down he needs to take ownership of that.

I 100% agree with leggo about the effect that anxiety can have on a person, it can be crippling. But at the same time (and leggo's post references this indirectly) social anxiety doesn't pick and choose what events to be anxious about and what events to be just fine with. Not like this, not so consistently.

The long and the short of it is that whether it's anxiety or selfishness, it's not sustainable. There is little else like feeling lonely in a relationship and that's exactly what will happen if this is allowed to continue as the status quo. If he refuses to try to deal with or get treatment for his anxiety, then it may as well just be selfishness, and that's when this really becomes relevant:

leggo wrote: »

If you don't, then you're making a choice to not deal with it, and that's when it becomes fair for people like the OP who love these people to make their own choices.

Larbre34

I think OP that you've committed a classic Freudian slip with your title. You mean 'going to it alone' but you've said 'going it alone' which implies singledom and self sufficiency.

One of my wife's oldest friends has a partner exactly like this. I've got to know this very lovely and very good friend of my wife over 13 years and Ive seen her bloke maybe 3 times ever and once was at our wedding, briefly.

Her relationship with this fella has been a delicate subject amongst her friends as she has been let down and shown up by him more often than not. He does have some personal issues and she has supported him, God knows, through all of it, but it is one way traffic. He contributes damn all to develop the relationship as far as her pals can see and does nothing to show gratitude or just make her feel special. She seems to feel obligated to him and it breaks her friends hearts that for over 15 years he has taken away her energy, vitality and spirit and they did not marry and have no kids and now it is too late for the latter.

Now its up to everyone to judge the success of a relationship by whatever yardstick is important to them, its the private business of every couple what that actually is, but in this instance, there is no doubt of the negative effect this relationship is having on this woman.

So, I'll say to you what I've said to my wife (she agrees) about her friends situation....

Life is not a dress rehearsal.
It takes two to contribute to a healthy relationship (contribute is an action word for a reason)
Obligation established by some sort of need or dependence is not love. If there is love first and dependence arises due to illness or aging, thats quite different.
Life has its sacrifices, but everyone deserves to pursue their own happiness without anxiety or guilt.

Move on. Be happy.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it, as I mentioned in my other posts I don't have many, if any, friends so asking for advice comes from this.

I haven't brought up the subject yet, we normally meet a couple of times during the week. This evening he went and met a friend (we normally meet on Wednesdays), and he invited me out after work to meet him and his bud, it was nice. I made my classic mistake ..trying to be the "cool" girlfriend and be like " well I have work tomorrow ye don't so ye stay out I'll go home, I said this a few times..now cliche is obviously I wanted him to go " no i'll leave with you" but he stayed out.

I think alot of this is my own fault I can't expect someone to do something if I say it is okay to do something else. And I can't be surprised if I am upset and annoyed at him if I say its fine to do one thing when I really want him to do another, It's cliche.


God knows I am not perfect and I have done things to annoy him, but like one poster said, I feel alone in this relationship. We do go out and have meals and all that, and we have really nice happy times together, but ultimately I feel alone. I need to decide what are priorities for me in a relationship and stick with them. I am in my mid 30s so obviously I am burdened with the whole...will I ever meet anyone else.

Cliches all over the place.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time and effort to respond to my post, it is so much appreciated. Thank you

wiggle16

I know I've said it already, but OP, believe me, don't stay in a relationship that makes you feel alone. It is a horrible, gnawing feeling and unless he is willing to make significant changes, it will only get more lonely.

There is something to be said for being direct and not saying one thing while you mean another, for sure, but I don't think you should be blaming yourself for anything here, honestly. A person shouldn't need to be told that it's not okay to bail on their partner at the last minute, or to let their partner go home alone while they stay out. You sound like an easy-going, good-natured person and unfortunately it sounds like he has gotten used to taking liberties with that - knowing he can behave poorly because you don't object, because you expect him to act decently without needing permission to do so, like most people.

I don't want to try to convince you of one outcome or another, you know your partner better than anyone. If it's to work, he needs to be far more considerate of your feelings, and much more giving of his time. In turn, you need to learn to be more direct - don't say things you don't mean and hope he will do the right thing, rather than take them as a free pass to be selfish - because that sounds like it's become his default. You need to make this clear to him. Your relationship need not be like this.

But if you don't think he is capable of making those changes, I don't think you should stay. A relationship that makes you lonely is a very cold and bleak place to be. You deserve more from life than what a relationship like that can give you - to feel loved and wanted, not diminished and alone. You don't deserve to feel that way.

I wish you the very best of luck with whatever you decide to do xx

up for anything

leggo wrote: »

People don't understand how crippling anxiety can be and you get generalisations like this as a result. They can think it's 'shyness' or insecurity, that we all get around new people, and you just shake it off and deal with it like everyone has to. It's not like that at all. It's having your own mind cave in on you essentially at the dread of every little thing that's involved in these kind of events. It's having to talk to yourself and practise generic conversations and smalltalk with strangers in your mind over and over and over so you feel minimally ready to face them. (Imagine having to practise a brief chat about the weather 20 times in your head before you felt safe to leave the house, for example) It's awful, overwhelming and some people get it way worse than others. I used to get horrible anxiety about going to stuff regarding my OWN family, people I know all my life, and missed major events and milestones that I still regret to this day. And I love my family, they're great craic. The person I was worried about was me. So if you're dismissing it like this then the simple reality is that you don't understand it.

I'm sorry if you felt that I was generalising or making little of anxiety. I haven't got my own experience of it but one of my offspring suffers from it so badly that it is ruining his life and mine with it so I do have some idea. It just seemed to me from what the OP said that he is fine with his own family and friends and going out with them and that it is only her family that brings it on. That sounds suspect to me like he is using it as an excuse not to be with them. If not, I do apologise.

leggo

No, not at all, I don’t think there was any deliberate attempt to make light of it. It’s just the conclusions people can come to before they understand it: I know myself, before I realised that that’s what *that* was in myself, I had an ex who suffered too and would cancel plans regularly at the last minute and it used to drive me up the wall. So I get it because I thought the same kinda stuff when her’s impacted me.

I think wiggle has a good measure of the situation here. Like I said, there comes a time when it becomes clear it’s a problem that needs to be addressed. And if it’s not then you can’t blame anxiety for choosing to do nothing about it, that’s not the anxiety, that’s just a choice in itself so it’s fair for those affected to make their own choices.

"goingitalone123

"goingitalone123 wrote: »

as I mentioned in my other posts I don't have many, if any, friends so asking for advice comes from this

Yes you’ve mentioned this a few times. May I ask why do you think this is?

It seems that if you exclude your family it would be just you and your boyfriend and HIS family and friends, is that how it is?