Explaining Granny's Nursing Home to 5 yr old

az2wp0sye65487

My mother has dementia and is in a nursing home. She's still mobile and physically able to walk around and have 'normal' conversations (her memory is gone so the conversation is repeated as if it's the first time every time).

My eldest is almost 6 and when visiting yesterday she was being asked repeatedly "How old are you now" along with a other questions about school, swimming etc.

While my mother (and some of the other residents) loves having a child there to talk to and interact with, I could see my daughter's face looking at me as if to say "Why do they keep asking me the same things".

Up until now we had told my daughter that granny was 'sick' so this was a special hospital she was staying in where she would be looked after all the time.

I'm wondering whether to bring this up and try to explain a little better or wait until my daughter asks. I get the impression she knows there's something more going on since she gates the same questions and conversations again and again.

How do you even explain dementia to a 5 year old?

frash

Granny gets a bit confused but she still loves you very much

MountainAshIRL

Tell the truth? Granny has this thing called dementia, it's affects your memory, sometimes it can make granny a bit grumpy and ask the same questions all the time. But the more we talk to granny the easier it will be for her. We just need to be there for her and try not to get annoyed if she repeats things

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, I'd just be honest with her. Give her the words for things. Explain in very simple terms what dementia is. Let her know it's OK to ask you questions, and let her know you will always give an answer, if you know the answer.

There might come a time where visiting your mam becomes too much for her. Especially if your mam gets to a stage where she doesn't know who your daughter is or if either of them become frustrated. Don't force her to visit if it becomes difficult. But always answer her questions. Ever if the answer is "I really don't know, but we can try to find out".

Milly33

So hard for kids to witness but honesty is the best way really with a few tweeks maybe... My own nan had dementia and I hope ye are ok there, hugs to ye all...

Does she have long term memory still? just thinking perhaps if she did maybe you could explain a little to the kids but maybe ask them to ask her something about when she was young or about things that happened a few years ago.. Nan had some great long term memories, she could tell you about what dates she gave birth, wedding day, how she met her husband but come short term she would ask the same thing over and over again... I hated seeing her like it in the end, but when she kept asking the same questions I used to just think just answer it like it was the first time she asked it and always with a smile and love

Moonbeam

My 4(5,6,8,10) love visiting my granny in her nursing home ,I was just honest with them. She has dementia and forgets things but is very happy .

az2wp0sye65487

Thanks for the suggestions. My only problem is I'd be afraid she might say it directly to Granny..... and Granny doesn't necessarily know she's in a dementia nursing home. She thinks she's visiting/helping out around the place and at the start thought she was just there to recover after surgery. She gets very upset & confrontational at the mention of anything being 'wrong' with her.

My daughter seems to enjoy visiting her there for now anyway - and like I said she hasn't actually asked anything yet.... But I can sense it's coming.

Neyite

Kids that age are able to appreciate when to keep schtum about something. If you explain to her that part of Granny's dementia means that she cant remember that she has it so don't mention to granny about her illness. And also if granny says something that's wrong, don't correct her as she won't understand.

There's a few books that could help her wrap her head around why her granny and her friends repeat themselves:

Grandma forgets

My book about brains & dementia

My lad asked about dementia because of a relative having it. I explained it to him by comparing the persons memory to when his Netflix or DVD freezes /crashes or skips and it was a good analogy that worked for a 5 year old.

Bitches Be Trypsin

Just be honest. Also I wouldn't really describe a nursing home as a special hospital, because a lot of children associate hospitals with somewhere you go for a while but eventually come home from. This woman won't be coming home.
I would just describe it as a new home for elderly people when they can no longer care for themselves.

SusanC10

I wouldn't use the actual word Dementia.

My Dad had it and died when our Kids were 5 & 2. We visited him in the Nursing Home. Our then 5 year old had a lot of questions. We explained that Grandad was old and sick and as a result a bit confused and Grandma couldn't look after him at home any more (which she had done for many years previously). That he forgot things easily and was easily tired.
The people in the Nursing home would look after him properly.
That was enough for our fella.
Also my Mum found it hard enough and other than confirming the diagnosis to us - she never used the word dementia.

LorelaiG

I would 100 percent use the word dementia. Kids are resilient and take things in their stride once we're open and honest with them.

My father in law was sick for the last 7 years. He had a stroke and had dementia as a result along with parkinsonism. Our kids knew all about it it was never sugar coated and when he was dying 3 weeks ago we found it v hard to tell them he was going to die but once we did they were ok upset but ok went to say goodbye while he was still with us and saw him in the funeral home no bother. They are 10,9,7 and 5.

wildwillow

Honosty is always the best policy with children. Explain the memory loss and the netflix freezing is a great way of illustating it. Do refer to the home as a home not hospital.

Prepare for the visit by giving your child something to focus on. If you, or someone you know, can knit there are great ideas for making items for people with dementia to hold and handle. Your daughter could choose buttons and ribbons etc. to attach and present it to her.

Sometimes an old photo can revive memories too so perhaps print out some from her youth and when you were small and talk about that.

Keep the visits short. During the trip to the home and back talk about the old days when she was well and give your daughter a sense of her pevious life. My 5 year old grandson loves talking about his grandad who died before his first birthday. But he has a bank of "memories" from looking at photos and videos of them together and being told of his grandad's life.

average_runner

We were in this position with my daughters great nanny. Just tell the truth. Kids are very smart.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree that you need to give her a bit of credit. Kids are clever enough and they have the capacity to understand where something might be inappropriate. Especially when it comes to someone they love. They don't want to intentionally hurt people's feelings. So I think there is no harm in giving her the basic details of her granny's condition, including what it's called. Explain as part of the condition that granny often forgets things she has just said and can sometimes be confused. Tell her that it is nice and helpful to granny if she just talks to her as normal and answers her questions no matter how often she repeats it.