Am I doing the right thing?

amystorm

Just finished my first year of college and I feel I’ve had enough of my mates. I made friends with 3 girls in my course in the first week and we became close quickly. I met my amazing boyfriend (also in our course) a few weeks later and we’ve been together since. For no real reason, they’ve always been hostile towards him.

After a month or 2 of us being together they pretended that I had no time for them anymore. This simply isn’t true. I continued sitting with them in every lecture, even the ones he was in. I met them for lunch most days too. When I tried meeting them in the evenings, they consistently canceled plans at the last minute. They made my boyfriend out to be some sort of American-high-school jock character because he plays for the college soccer team and he’s not as into his studies as I am? They’re shy girls but they wouldn’t so much as say hi to him when they ran into him, even if I was there. There’s being socially awkward and then there’s being pure rude, isn’t there?

I feel like what they did last week was the final nail in the coffin. I had planned to go to a house party with my boyfriend on the last night out of first year. One of them said I should meet them as I won’t see them for months, given we live so far away. I cancelled my plans with my boyfriend. The party I had originally meant to go to started at 7. I was supposed to meet the girls at 9. At 8.30 I got a text from the same girl to say they’re going to a house party with their other mates and “at least you can spend the night with your boyfriend without us bothering you”. I turned up alone at the party I was originally going to at 9, when everyone was already kinda drunk. I was annoyed at this untrue, blatantly passive aggressive message and I was upset they didn’t care enough to even see me before college finished. They’ve each messaged me a few times since as if nothing happened.

Am I over reacting or should I just say screw it and cut them out of my life?

stop animal cruelty

Oh drop these bitches ASAP Op. Don't waste anyore time or energy on these so called friends. I have come across 2 or 3 in my time, and regret not getting rid soon enough.

Tiddlypeeps

They sound really insecure and immature. That's the kind of behaviour you see from girls in secondary school.

How you proceed depends on how much you value their friendship, we are only really hearing the bad here it's possible they have some redeeming characteristics that make it worth putting a bit of effort in to salvaging the relationship. If they don't bring any good into your life then the friendships aren't worth saving. Only you can really say.

If you do want to try salvage the relationships then you need to have a frank conversation with them about this behaviour. Let them know that you are not doing anything to deliberately hurt their feelings, they are taking deliberate actions to hurt yours and that is just not on. If something you are doing is hurting their feelings then they need to have a grown up conversation with you about it, and if they keep up this passive aggressive behaviour towards you then you'll have to walk away. Let them know that if they value the friendship at all then they'll need to cut it out or you'll have to say goodbye.

Again that is only if you think the friendships are worth keeping. You are at the best time of your life for making friends, you'll never have an easier time making friends that you could easily have for life. If these people aren't people you'd like to be friends with for life then don't waste effort on them and put your effort into making new friends.

amystorm

Thanks for your answers guys. I think I’ve done the right thing. They’re not “bad people” or anything like that but I do get the sense they don’t exactly respect me, and they certainly don’t respect my boyfriend. I used to have really good craic with them, we had the same sense of humour and our personalities would’ve been alike, but it’s not enough to put up with this kind of behaviour. I do feel they are too immature and I’d prefer friends that actually act like friends.

valoren

That's the best thing about college..the variety of people you meet. Go with your gut. If these childish people make you feel down then move on. I am sure there are plenty of mature and respectful people who would be happy to make friends with you. I wouldn't let them reel you back in either in the next term and allow them to play their passive aggressive mind games with you and your boyfriend. Your stock standard response to any prospective socializing would be "Not interested, bye".

volono

Hi O.P.,
I'm presuming your a young enough lady with what you've mentioned in your post. Ditch them and ditch them quick would be my opinion. Life is so long even though the vast majority of us don't always think so. If you won't have to see them without big effort until the start of your next semester- Sep./Oct. then forget about them, and quickly. You will meet so so many people throughout your life that will mean so much and then even a couple of years later will be like a forgotten memory, and i don't mean that in a bad sense, thats life!! Treat people as how you'd like to be treated is one of those old sayings that will always ring true. They've acted appallingly imo, are you that desperate for these peoples company, i'd guess not. Maybe they envy you/ jealous , who knows, are you willing to put up with their bulls@it. Don't!!. Just to add, the partner your seeing atm , although is probably fabulous now maybe won't work out either tbh but thats all part of it too.

amystorm

Thanks guys.

And I’m aware that given my age, it’s more likely than not that we will break up. All the more reason I want good friends if things go south with us.

Ursus Horribilis

I bet these so-called friends are single and would change their tune pretty quickly if you were to split from your boyfriend (and change it again if you were to meet someone else...) I would advise against completely cutting them out of your life because they're on the same course as you. You could find yourself being teamed up with them on course work/tutorials/labs etc. Instead, reduce contact with them but stay friendly. Like how you'd treat an acquaintance.

amystorm

Not that it should matter, but none of them have been in a relationship before. This is my second. There’s around 100 in this course and it doesn’t involve group projects and the like, so I’m not worried about that, and I’ll probably end up in different modules anyway.

But yes, I will remain civil towards them. They haven’t done anything so bad that would warrant ignoring them in person, that would just be childish. I’ll just do what I can to avoid them and I’ll make it clear I don’t want to be friends anymore.

Thank you for your advice

Ursus Horribilis

Yeah, I was thinking they had been always single. There's a bit of "misery loves company" about them - not that being single is miserable but I think you know what I'm trying to get at here. You haven't done anything wrong from what I can see. You don't appear to be one of those girls who drops her friends once a fella comes on the scene.

What most folk figure out, sooner or later, is that they don't need to have people in their personal lives who aren't nice to them. Sure, you might have to tolerate the odd annoying relative or people you can't avoid. But when it comes to so-called friends who behave like this, life is too short.

Sardonicat

Good idea for next semester is to hit the clubs and socs fair hard and join a few. That's the best way to make friends at third level from across the age ranges and different courses and it means you've a few hours every week committed to doing something you enjoy.

These 2 girls sound like children in their behaviour. Keep them at arms length in future. Stay polite but always be busy if they try to meet up.

cloudatlas

At first I thought that they obviously know something bad about him and they don't want to tell you but as you went on I realised that they are just a BUNCH OF JEALOUS COWS! Dump them. I'm sure there are other way nicer people on your course or in a social group that you might like to join.

Kenny B

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

They sound really insecure and immature. That's the kind of behaviour you see from girls in secondary school.

It's 1st year college, they are still like Secondary students because it's not that long ago in reality.

They behave irrationally at times, but if these 2 girls have got a closer bond with each other than with the OP, that's the way it is. They only met up together as a group this year and if they don't like her boyfriend - they don't like her boyfriend, They don't have to even give him a chance if they don't wan't to, the others stuck closer together, the OP spread her wings, judging them harshly is as childish they may have been.

It's free will, be friends if you want but I see very little wrong in what they did/are doing, just they way they might express it (and that's comes with a little life experience).

The OP can't have her cake and eat it, make a tight friendship with a group or go with the boyfriend, it's part of growing up, making choices.
To me it sounds like a little bit of jealousy on the the part of the OP being left out, but that was Her choice, you can't make people be your friend, they value each other more than you so you'll always be the 3rd wheel, it's not their fault.

Sardonicat

You don't see anything wrong with them guilt tripping her into changing her plans to attend a party they were going to and then not show up at that party where she didn't really know anyone? That's nasty. They were using OP as a scapegoat to push around and bully.

bottlebrush

Kenny B wrote: »

It's 1st year college, they are still like Secondary students because it's not that long ago in reality.

They behave irrationally at times, but if these 2 girls have got a closer bond with each other than with the OP, that's the way it is. They only met up together as a group this year and if they don't like her boyfriend - they don't like her boyfriend, They don't have to even give him a chance if they don't wan't to, the others stuck closer together, the OP spread her wings, judging them harshly is as childish they may have been.

It's free will, be friends if you want but I see very little wrong in what they did/are doing, just they way they might express it (and that's comes with a little life experience).

The OP can't have her cake and eat it, make a tight friendship with a group or go with the boyfriend, it's part of growing up, making choices.
To me it sounds like a little bit of jealousy on the the part of the OP being left out, but that was Her choice, you can't make people be your friend, they value each other more than you so you'll always be the 3rd wheel, it's not their fault.

The thing is they sound like not only do they not only like this boyfriend, they are likely not going to like any future boyfriends she will have either. I have met people like this I only wish I had got the advice given so far in this thread. they are jealous plain and simple and they are trying to control you. if it was the thing that your boyfriend wasn't a nice bloke, and you couldn't see it, good friends would advise you in a mature fashion and leave it up to you to continue seeing him or not. having a boyfriend and friends at the same time are not mutually exclusive. take a step back from these girls and find friends who are more secure, have had or are in relationships, but do it tactfully as you will have to meet them and interact with them in college. I wonder how their friendship with one another will go if one or other of them starts a relationship of their own. chances are one of them has more of a chip on her shoulder and the other one is being controlled too. when I was younger I used to hang around with two other girls where one of them literally was the boss and myself and the other girl, unknown to one another, were very cautious of going on dates etc because we were afraid of her feeling left out, and no matter who we dated she always had a problem with them. (in the time I knew her, I can safely say she never was on date).
op don't let these girls hold you back. there are plenty of potentially nice friends out there. when I parted company with my two pals I fell in with a group of really sound friends and I never had the same issues again.