Dunped and devastated

mjv2ydratu679c

Hi all got dumped unexpectedly by my GF of 6 months on Saturday. We were just back from holidays with her kids where she had a severe migrane attack. She said she realised her lifestyle had to change. She also decided to dump me. Can anyone give me advice on any of the following reasons she gave:


1) She said she didn't feel in control of her life as she was drinking too much wine. Not sure what that had to do with me, she did drink a bit too much but we were both very athletic so if she made a conscious decision to drink less it would have been no problem for me. I only drank at her pace and sometime stopped before her.


2) She said she felt trapped, but not trapped by me and it wasn't my fault. This could be a valid reason but I'm not sure what she meant, basically she was in complete control of our relationship to the point where I was afraid not to spend all my weekends and most weeknights at her house or to go out with my friends.



3) She said she felt i didn't understand her, I said how can I understand you if you don't explain things to me, she said I felt I can't and yet since Saturday she has explained everything to me so she obviously can but didn't bother. Not sure why?


4) She's big into spirituality and I'm not. I knida got the impression it annoyed her that I wasn't. I never thought anything of her believing in it nor tried to convince her not to but I can't help feel that she resented me not being as spiritual as her, She said previously she couldn't talk to me as I amn't spiritual and wouldn't understand her.



I'm heartbroken, I loved her and her 2 kids and got on great with her, her kids and her friends and she just dropped me without any warning, it wasn't like we even had a row on holidays or anything, she was telling me she loved me the week before and then just dumped me. I can't make any sense of it and feel completely shafted.

woodchuck

OP I know this isn't what you were asking, but this part of your post stuck out like a sore thumb to me:

basically she was in complete control of our relationship to the point where I was afraid not to stay at her house or to go out with my friends in case she accused me of cheating or not loving her.

Taking this into account, you should really view this as a lucky escape! You won't feel like that right away, but give yourself time to heal and you'll realise you're much better off without her. Maybe indulge in some introspection to figure out why you were attracted to this type of person, in order to avoid the same situation again in the future.

Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to figure out why she broke up with you, just be glad that she did!

mjv2ydratu679c

woodchuck wrote: »

OP I know this isn't what you were asking, but this part of your post stuck out like a sore thumb to me:



Taking this into account, you should really view this as a lucky escape! You won't feel like that right away, but give yourself time to heal and you'll realise you're much better off without her. Maybe indulge in some introspection to figure out why you were attracted to this type of person, in order to avoid the same situation again in the future.

Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to figure out why she broke up with you, just be glad that she did!

thanks, it wasn't as blatant as that but I just felt I couldn't really spend any of my weekend not being with her as she would have taken it as me not loving her. prob should have phrased it like that.

Gerianam

Be smart enough to let her go, OP.

Ursus Horribilis

I wouldn't read too deeply into her reasons for ending it either. Especially the ones that don't make sense to you. It looks like she came up with this list to well and truly bury the relationship. And given what you've told us, you've had a lucky escape. This all seems to have happened very quickly too. 6 months into the relationship you've not only met her kids but have gone on holidays with them.

mjv2ydratu679c

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I wouldn't read too deeply into her reasons for ending it either. Especially the ones that don't make sense to you. It looks like she came up with this list to well and truly bury the relationship. And given what you've told us, you've had a lucky escape. This all seems to have happened very quickly too. 6 months into the relationship you've not only met her kids but have gone on holidays with them.

TBF given the circumstances, she has no real support around here, I had to meet her kids after a few months as it was hard to get to see her. I got on great with them. When we agreed to go on holiday with them I didn't nat an eyelid. It really wan't any sort of issue for me.

Ursus Horribilis

I still think this happened way too fast. Maybe you didn't bat an eyelid but what about the kids?

Did she accuse you of not loving her if you didn't spend all that time around her?

woodchuck

Antonio Thoughtless Whistle-blower wrote: »

thanks, it wasn't as blatant as that but I just felt I couldn't really spend any of my weekend not being with her as she would have taken it as me not loving her. prob should have phrased it like that.

I'm sorry, but rephrasing it doesn't make it sound any better!

OP this sounds like it was a very intense relationship for only 6 months. Of course take the time to grieve, but I really do think you'll be better off without her in the long run. Use this time to reconnect with your friends.

sbsquarepants

You were together 6 months and had already been on holidays with her kids?

I had kids from a previous relationship when I met my current missus - I don't think I had even introduced her to them by 6 months!

You can't go dragging people in and out of your kids lives ffs.

I don't want to sound dismissive OP but this was clearly a whirlwind thing, you'll get over it as quickly as you got into it!

mjv2ydratu679c

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I still think this happened way too fast. Maybe you didn't bat an eyelid but what about the kids?

What do you mean? they were delighted to be going on holidays and before she met me they had been asking her why didn't she have a boyfriend.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Did she accuse you of not loving her if you didn't spend all that time around her?

There were a couple if times in the past when she got thick with me for not arriving at the exact time I said I would as I was delayed doing something. Its hard to explain, I felt she never completely trusted me (for no good reason, I was never anything but 100% faithful and commited to her, ) I just felt I couldn't not spend all my free time at the weekend with her or going on a trip somewhere with her and her daughter - not that we did that every weekend. The point being that she was completely in control of the relationship as regards when and how often and where we saw each other. Once I met the kids she stopped coming over to my house - I live alone and have the entire house to myself

mjv2ydratu679c

sbsquarepants wrote: »

You were together 6 months and had already been on holidays with her kids?

I had kids from a previous relationship when I met my current missus - I don't think I had even introduced her to them by 6 months!

You can't go dragging people in and out of your kids lives ffs.

I don't want to sound dismissive OP but this was clearly a whirlwind thing, you'll get over it as quickly as you got into it!

I think it was her cicumsatances that precipitated this, she had no real family support locally so if I dodn't meet them it would have been hard to meet hermore than once a week. TBH i don't think this is really relevant. Can everyone stick to my opening post. Cheers

Ursus Horribilis

It was utterly negligent of your ex to bring you into her kids lives and rush this relationship forward at the pace it did. I'm sorry if you don't like people saying it was too fast. This issue alone is exactly why parents should be very careful about introducing new partners.

You would be very foolish to try and resurrect this relationship. It sounds way too intense and that she was calling all the shots. The balance sounds like it was wrong anyway and it'd be worse this time around. She sounds needy, immature and someone you're better off without. You will drive yourself mad trying to make sense of her reasons. These sorts of relationships that start off very intense like this often end up blowing out again quite quickly.

mjv2ydratu679c

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It was utterly negligent of your ex to bring you into her kids lives and rush this relationship forward at the pace it did. I'm sorry if you don't like people saying it was too fast. This issue alone is exactly why parents should be very careful about introducing new partners.

I don't mind people saying it was too fast but that's not what I asked in the opening post. This is off topic.

Thanks for the rest of your advice.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I know it's glib and overused but this sounds like a classic case of she's just not that into you.

You know when someone asks you to do something or you should do something, and you don't want to do it, what do most people do? Start coming up with excuses: I don't have time, I need to get such and such done first, I would do it but xyz.

The reasons/excuses themselves don't matter, if you wanted to do it you'd make it work, and if those obstacles went away and you still didn't want to do it, you'd just come up with new ones.

And that's all you'll get here if you keep trying to make sense of her reasons as given, more reasons. You're not going to be able to reason and argue things away and get her back if she's not feeling it.

I appreciate that a sudden break up after 6 months, knowing her kids and everything isn't something you can just shrug off and get over but I'd say let it be and start trying to move forward, no point torturing yourself.

milli milli

"Antonio wrote:

This is off topic.

OP what you are seeing as ‘off topic’ is just the reasons other posters believe this girl isn’t the right one for you.

Breakups are absolutely horrible and I sympathize with you at this moment. You need to look after yourself and connect with friends and family.

But hopefully when you have a bit of distance and the shock has subsided, you’ll realize this girl wasn’t the best choice. I mean for goodness sake she didn’t trust you and she was controlling you and she seems incredibly needy. She obviously needs to do a bit of work on herself if she wants to make healthy connections because those behaviours are disastrous for relationships.

I don’t know what your relationship history is like but you don’t have to put up with those kind of behaviours, you know? And they’re not normal, although there’s plenty of dysfunction out there. A healthy relationship has trust and allows space and there’s healthy boundaries.
I agree with the other posters who said introducing you to her kids was incredibly irresponsible of her. Kids get attached to people and they need stability in their lives. It looks like they got attached to you and now you’re out of their lives. So what now? That’s very unfair to do that to a child.

I’m not blaming your ex. She obviously has her own story and there’s a reason why she’s needy and distrustful but OP once the dust settles you’ll realize this breakup was a blessing.

Best of luck

mjv2ydratu679c

milli milli wrote: »

OP what you are seeing as ‘off topic’ is just the reasons other posters believe this girl isn’t the right one for you.

Breakups are absolutely horrible and I sympathize with you at this moment. You need to look after yourself and connect with friends and family.

But hopefully when you have a bit of distance and the shock has subsided, you’ll realize this girl wasn’t the best choice. I mean for goodness sake she didn’t trust you and she was controlling you and she seems incredibly needy. She obviously needs to do a bit of work on herself if she wants to make healthy connections because those behaviours are disastrous for relationships.

I don’t know what your relationship history is like but you don’t have to put up with those kind of behaviours, you know? And they’re not normal, although there’s plenty of dysfunction out there. A healthy relationship has trust and allows space and there’s healthy boundaries.
I agree with the other posters who said introducing you to her kids was incredibly irresponsible of her. Kids get attached to people and they need stability in their lives. It looks like they got attached to you and now you’re out of their lives. So what now? That’s very unfair to do that to a child.

I’m not blaming your ex. She obviously has her own story and there’s a reason why she’s needy and distrustful but OP once the dust settles you’ll realize this breakup was a blessing.

Best of luck

Good advice, thanks

keepalive213

Onward and upward, you can do better.

wiggle16

She sounds quite impulsive from what you've said. Her excuses sound like just that - excuses. They're not making any sense to you and it would be a waste of time to try and make sense of them, as others have said.

It does sound like this relationship became intense pretty quickly, six months is a pretty short amount of time to go from getting together to taking what are generally regarded as big steps (first holiday together, meeting a partner's children, the L word). As others have pointed out, it was very unfair and irresponsible of her to bring you into her children's lives so early and in such a full on way - you clearly grew quite attached to them, you're understandably very confused by what has happened so you can only imagine how confused they must feel. That's why it's universally considered to be a big step to take, because you can't bring people in and out of children's lives like that.

It might not be what you asked directly, but it is relevant, OP, because it says a lot about her. That's why people are bringing it up. It's not so much a reflection on you at all, by the way, she's the one with responsibility towards her kids. But it doesn't sound like she gave much consideration to these things in the first place. And these are big things. So from the outside it's not that surprising to find that someone who has taken such big steps so quickly in a relationship, and gone to that level of intensity in such a short space of time, would also be capable of ending the relationship quite suddenly and with little warning, rhyme or reason. I have a close relative who behaves in a very similar way with their kids and their romantic partners - it is likely this is just the kind of person she is and always will be. Impulsive and immature and capricious.

It doesn't necessarily mean she's a bad person either, just that she really shouldn't be in an adult relationship if this is how she's going to go about things.

That's why I wouldn't spend time trying to make sense of the reasons she gave, because she probably didn't put a lot of thought into coming up with them in the first place. They are very generalist, nebulous reasons intended to fob you off - she could just as well have said "it's not you, it's me" and she would have been right!

I'm sorry this happened but give yourself some time and you will see that you had a lucky escape here!

sbsquarepants

Antonio Thoughtless Whistle-blower wrote: »

I think it was her cicumsatances that precipitated this, she had no real family support locally so if I dodn't meet them it would have been hard to meet hermore than once a week. TBH i don't think this is really relevant. Can everyone stick to my opening post. Cheers

It's certainly relevant. Might not be what you want to hear, but that's a different thing entirely. It says a lot about her that she was immediately willing to drop you into her kids lives and then just as quickly cut you out of it.

You just don't do shít like that, unless that is you believe the entire world revolves around you.

May not feel like it right now, but you've actually dodged a bullet here. My advice is run and don't look back!

hello2020

Antonio Thoughtless Whistle-blower wrote: »

She said she felt trapped, but not trapped by me and it wasn't my fault. This could be a valid reason but I'm not sure what she meant, basically she was in complete control of our relationship to the point where I was afraid not to spend all my weekends and most weeknights at her house or to go out with my friends.

unless there is someone else involved, she will come back to u quickly pretending nothing has happened and relationship is back to normal..

she will always will be like this in any relationship, controlling , impulsive and no self responsibility for her actions.. every time it will be others fault...

as others have said , u should stay away from this relationship but i think u want to go back and my feeling is she will happily take u back in few days (unless there is someone else involved)...

Charles Ingles

Why not give her a but if space.
You could write her a letter explaining how much you love her and the children.
Maybe with Time she will want to be with you.
I hope things turn out well for you, I'll keep you and your ex in prayers and hope things turn around for you.

Kidchameleon

I pity the poor fool who ends up with her. Lucky escape OP.

wiggle16

Hold on..... I just remembered something. OP, you say you were with her for six months. Is this the woman who dumped you on Valentines Day of this year because you only got her a small box of chocolates, even though you were going to bring her to Copenhagen the following weekend??

leggo

OP you don’t see it now but this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. A lot of the stuff you say reminds me of a relationship that I was in with a single mother. I now look back on it and thank god I’m out of it.

People are right when they say six months is way too soon to be going on holidays with kids. You build the unit and ensure it works between the two of you first and is an unbreakable foundation, then and only then should you introduce children into it. If you don’t you run the risk of exactly this happening. Reason being: if it doesn’t work you not only have innocent children build attachments to someone who won’t be around, but you de-stabilise them and shape their view of relationships in ways that could be damaging in future life. You can mess kids up with this kind of reckless behaviour. If a relationship won’t work without involving children, don’t have that relationship, simple. That’s not on you, it’s on her, but it goes to show her decision-making is suspect and she is an incredibly selfish person. She chose to take the risk of messing up her children before sacrificing her own needs. That alone should tell you what kind of person she is.

There’s also a good chance this is what I call a fake-up. She doesn’t sound emotionally stable and connected to her emotions, like she makes big decisions on a whim, so there’s a good chance she’ll be back as if nothing happened. Maybe this is just a way of manipulating you into giving up more control because you miss her now when the relationship was at its peak so will agree to anything to have her back. If she does start acting nice again, think about how horrible and selfish that behaviour is, to wilfully put you through this heartache and rip you out of her children’s lives, just for the sake of controlling and manipulating you. Then ask yourself if this is really a person you want in your life.

“People tell us who they are all the time, but we don’t listen. Because we want them to be what we want them to be.” I’m willing to bet she’s told you who she really is plenty of times but you’ve ignored it. All of us are picking up on this stuff from the info you’ve given us, yet you respond differently to that same info. Take this time to step back and take a good look at the situation objectively and see if you can see what is clear to the rest of us. Yes I’m sure she was nice at times too and made you feel great, but it’s easy to be nice to people when they’re giving you what you want. Look at how she’s treated you, appreciated what you’ve put into her and made you feel right now instead, when she decided she didn’t want you. That right there is who she really is.

Ursus Horribilis

If this is the same lady who dumped you on Valentine's Day, I think you seriously need to sit back and ask yourself what it is you've got yourself into. And more importantly, who your girlfriend really is. Not who you want her to be. Are you really in a healthy, stable relationship if you've been dumped twice in 6 months? Your girlfriend is telling you loud and clear what she is. You appear to have your fingers stuck in your ears.

You're 43 years of age. I'm sure you know people who've been in on-off relationships like what you're now in. Can you think of any of them who ended up living happily ever after?