“step mam” but never a mam – will I regret it?

LegacyUser

I know this is probably a question that no one can answer for me but I’d really like to hear some opinions/advice and especially people’s own experiences to help me.

The background is that I’ve always been quite neutral about having children. The opportunity has been there in past relationships but I was just never pushed enough about it to actively try. I think I assumed that my clock would suddenly start ticking once day but it never has. I’ve always said that if I got pregnant I’d be happy to be a mam but I’d be equally happy to be in a great relationship and not have children.

However, I’m heading for 38 years old and my OH (who has a 3 year old daughter) has recently changed from “I might want to have another child in the next 2 years” to “I don’t want anymore”. This has made me feel quite panicked. We are only together a year and a half and I’m worried that I’ll stay with him, get to 40 and realise that I do want a child of my own and I’ll resent him for having one but not being willing to give me one.

On the flip side, I’m very lucky that his daughter loves me and I love her too. I hope this never changes as she grows up. I won’t lie though, between the happy moments, it’s incredibly tough. Will being a step mum (effectively, even if I’m never actually her step mum) be enough? If my biological clock hasn’t started ticking yet, is it safe to assume it wont? Will it ever get easier always coming second in his priorities and affection?

I know this might sound crazy or trivial but it’s really playing on my mind and he’s noticed this and keeps asking if I’m ok.

Xterminator

personal note: id not want to have a baby at 38!! if partner is older than you, then he may be thinking that way too.

but i don't think it is trivial - it bothers you and that means you should have a good long chat with your partner. see if he is ardently against another child once he understands the depth of your feelings.

Have you talked about getting married yet? It sounds like your not on the same page with regards to life goals, but as you said he has already got a child, so for him it may not be on his priority list.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Have you talked about getting married yet? It sounds like your not on the same page with regards to life goals, but as you said he has already got a child, so for him it may not be on his priority list.

We've no plans to get married. I've been married before and I know firsthand that a piece of paper doesn't mean a relationship is happy or healthy. He isn't bothered either way. We both see this relationship lasting and he's made it clear to his daughter's mother than I'm part of his "family" unit now.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Ok, you felt panicked when something you were ambivalent about became a certainty. When it's somebody else who effectively makes those decisions for us, it's natural to kick against it a bit mentally; whatever choice we make we want to be OUR choice, even if it's the same outcome.

Imagine the alternative. He decides he does want a kid. At 38 you're probably realistically past the point where you can just stop taking the pill, carry on as normal and let nature take its course, which seems to be how you've kind of envisioned pregnancy.

You'd have to start trying immediately, and seriously. Ovulation trackers, depending on your lifestyle possibly a big overhaul there, so on. If he said "I do want a kid, we need to start trying yesterday, when was your last period?" would you have the same panicked reaction? If so, your reaction here is probably less to do with your desire either way for motherhood and more to do with a possibility being closed off. If not, maybe you're not as ambivalent as you think.

If you decide you do want children, and presuming your partner isn't for budging, you're in a very difficult spot given your age.

A year and a half to two years in is, imo, prime cold feet territory. It's the transition from a reasonably serious relationship to a proper long term one, the point where it's not mad to start thinking where you'd be with this person in five years etc. A lot of these conversations and questions come up around now.

I'd talk to him about it, especially seeing as he's noticed something is up.

Sorry about that

It doesn't sound either crazy or trivial at all op, this is a massive deal in most women's lives- unless they are and always have been certain about not wanting children.

You are definitely in a tough spot, and your partner's "decision" will have an impact on you. Has he asked you if you'd like to have a child? It does seem pretty final, and yes there's absolutely a risk that you'll feel resentment sooner or later, no matter how much you love him now.

As it is, you could be perfectly fertile, but are more likely than a younger woman to experience difficulty conceiving.

If he's adamant about no more children, and you realise that you'd at least like to try, then what? My advice is that it's time for a serious conversation with himself. You owe it to yourself to pursue the life you want (even if it doesn't happen-the choice to try is so important) Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Lilly Helpless Banner wrote: »

Ok, you felt panicked when something you were ambivalent about became a certainty. When it's somebody else who effectively makes those decisions for us, it's natural to kick against it a bit mentally; whatever choice we make we want to be OUR choice, even if it's the same outcome.

Lilly Helpless Banner wrote: »

If he said "I do want a kid, we need to start trying yesterday, when was your last period?" would you have the same panicked reaction? If so, your reaction here is probably less to do with your desire either way for motherhood and more to do with a possibility being closed off. If not, maybe you're not as ambivalent as you think.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. If he did want to actively start trying for a child right now I'm not sure I'd be too enthusiastic about it. I think it's more that I feel my safety net has been taken away. I was happy to not actively try to get pregnant but I liked knowing that he'd be happy if it happened by accident. I liked the mental safety of having the option open to me or at least having the option to change my mind if I wanted to even though I'm fairly sure I won't.

Also I think a tiny part of me is jealous that he'll always have a bond with his ex that he'll never have me with, no matter how "over" they are and how strong we are, simply because she is the mother of his child.

LegacyUser

Sorry about that wrote: »

You are definitely in a tough spot, and your partner's "decision" will have an impact on you. Has he asked you if you'd like to have a child? It does seem pretty final, and yes there's absolutely a risk that you'll feel resentment sooner or later, no matter how much you love him now.

We did have the conversation about 7 months into the relationship and I said that I was neutral but I might want one. Just for the record, I've always felt this way about it. I've never felt I really wanted them but equally never felt that I definitely didn't. I've always wanted the option to be there though. Maybe I just want to have my cake and eat it.

I suppose if he'd changed his mind to not wanting more children in another two years it wouldn't have really been an issue for me because I'd be well passed the point of it realistically being an option anyway.

wiggle16

StepMum101 wrote: »

Also I think a tiny part of me is jealous that he'll always have a bond with his ex that he'll never have me with, no matter how "over" they are and how strong we are, simply because she is the mother of his child.

It does sound like you are panicked rather than pushed. I don't have much advice for you but the above sticks out - I think you need to figure out how much these feelings are motivated by your relationship and that want of a bond, and how much is coming from actually wanting a child of your own. I suppose what I mean is that you need to figure out why you feel like this before anything else.
I would be of the opinion that your partner has a link to his ex by virtue of having a child with her, rather than a bond, (and the difference there is not simply semantic!) and I don't think that's something you should be so concerned with or worried about. There is a reason they are not together, and probably more than one.

I agree with electro~bitch that it sounds like this has been brought about by the fact of the option being withdrawn, rather than your clock suddenly starting to tick. I wish you luck either way, whatever you decide to do!

ElizaBennett

Don't worry about this bond idea. It's just not a thing other than a romantic notion. I have no bond with my ex husband, father of my kids. Same with my partner and his ex. Neither of us would care if we never saw them again and we get on okay. Those feelings are just gone.
I'm happy to hear you love your would be step daughter as I have struggled majorly with mine. Do you feel confident these feelings will last? And don't get too caught up in this clichee that you come second to her. My partner doesn't make me feel that way. Truth is, in a few short years kids will be off living their lives and it'll just be us and our partners and that relationship will take centre stage again .

Big Bag of Chips

I think talk to him. And talk candidly and honestly. Tell him him how you've been knocked a little sideways by him saying he doesn't want children but explain that you are confused by your reaction, because you're not too pushed anyway.

I remember thinking too that I wasn't bothered about having children. But then one day my husband said he didn't want them, and if I got pregnant he'd feel disappointed. I remember being heartbroken (even though up to that point children weren't on my radar at all!). I never cried so much, or so loudly!!!

Anyway, 4 children later it turns out we both reached a point where we did want them!

Be honest with him. If he thinks you're not all that bothered maybe he's moved towards not being that bothered either. But if he knew that you still held on to it as a possibility, he might also be open to the possibility and you becoming pregnant mightn't be the shock that you both think.

Edit : my husband has no bond with the mother of his child. They don't hate each other, but they don't talk. They have no contact whatsoever. His daughter is an adult now and any communication is between them. I actually don't know the last time he had any direct contact with her mother. And as I said there's no hard feelings between them. There's nothing between them.

DonnaDarko09

I can only tell you my own experience as this is ultimately something you will need to decide. And if your partner is not on the same page as you, then I suggest leaving as you really only get one shot at this - You may not hear that biological clock ticking but it is ticking none the less.
I’m 2 years younger than you and I only really started wanting kids this past 12 months.
Like you I was always on the fence about it. I’m fiercely independent but also I have had fertility issues in the past and had made peace with the fact it just may never happen. To be honest I wasn’t sure if I really wanted kids but I did know I didn’t want to have any regrets once my clock stopped ticking.
My partner also has kids from his previous relationship and I did wonder how I would feel if I never had any of my own. They are the biggest part of his life. No doubt this was a factor in deciding it was now or never.
I spoke with my partner about it, although I knew he wanted more anyway and we agreed we would start trying. I fell pregnant straight away, to our surprise, and now have a healthy baby.
It’s early days yet but having a baby has been an extremely tough, lonely but also rewarding time. Rather than bringing us closer together, I find It has actually been a huge strain on our relationship. But we are working it out slowly. And I wouldn’t change my mind for a second about becoming a mother. I have no regrets.