Don't know what to do anymore

Slainte77

This is hard for me to write. This past numerous of years I've been experiencing poor mental heath. Over the weekend I tried to end my life. Thankfully I'm still here but am in hospital sitting surgery as I write this. This has now brought shame on my family and I'm now embarrassed and ashamed. I feel so bad as my parents left their holiday abroad early when they were notified. I've also not heard from them since they arrived back. I also live back with my parents.

I really don't know where to start with this. But basically I was sexually abused with I was a kid. I never told anyone at the time so kept it to myself for years. Never got any counseling until very recently. I'm also gay and hadn't come out to family and friends until my late twenties. Even though I came out, I found I couldn't be myself as they didn't like to discuss my sexually or I could be open about it.

During these years I started to drink heavily. I think I drank so I could be more myself and didn't give a sh!T about what other people thought. Unfortunately the drinking took a downward spiral where I wasn't enjoying it anymore and got it off hand. I've tried to stop drinking but found myself have a drink once in a while. The other night was one of them.

I normally have a great relationship with my family apart from a brother who I had to cut ties with as he was talking to my friends about my personal issues.

During my counseling for trauma, I revealed the person who sexually abused me and was happy for them to report it to the relevant authorities. I just got a phone call last week from them that they requested an interview.

I find it very hard to express my feelings and I'm very good at hiding them. I just find my life to be in a mess and don't know what to do. I've been to counseling a few times but never found it to be useful. I'm living at home with my parents after an unprovoked attack did years ago where it left me disfigured. I'm in my early forties now but I feel my life is not my own and feel like in stuck. Sorry, I know this post is all over the place.

popcornbowl

Stay strong OP, I know you probably feel like your whole life is a mess right now but things WILL get better.

You're in counselling and have found the strength to talk about your past, that's a big step for anyone to take so you should be proud of yourself for that!

As for not hearing from your parents, they probably got a huge shock and just don't know how or what to say to you... give them time. They cut their trip short to come home to you when they heard so that says it all!

Best of luck with your surgery!

Rubberchikken

well done on setting the ball rolling by reporting this abuser. that took strength and courage and hopefully by reporting this you will begin healing.

maybe the previous counselling just wasnt right for you or the time wasn't right so maybe now discussing it with your doctor might get you suitable counselling that would help this time.

stay strong and the best of luck

Gorgeousgeorge

You are on the right path with the counselling. That is a massive step and you should be proud of yourself for taking it. Stay strong and dont give up

Slainte77

Thanks for your message everyone's. I'm being discharged from hospital today and I'm feeling a bit better in myself.
I've spoken with my family and although things aren't 100% it will get better. They are now wrapping me in cotton wool. I'm feeling suffocated by them. I had made plans to visit distant family at the weekend and still want to do this. They do not know what has happened. My family don't want me to go. I do understand where they are coming from, I really do but them telling me what and where I can and can't do and go is making me feel worse. I'm will to get the help and counselling i need but i need to be let go things on my own.

Do you think I'm being selfish or what would you advise? Thanks

Toots

Would it be possible to ask your doctors to have a chat with your family? I get that they're suffocating, but I'd say they're terrified of losing you and don't want to let you out of their sight.

popcornbowl

Could you postpone your visit until next weekend maybe? Let everything (and everyone) settle this week and let your family see that you're getting stronger so that they won't be wondering and worrying about "what if?" all weekend.
I get that you feel suffocated but isn't that what family is there for in when we're not feeling great? Maybe that's what they need to do to make them feel better?
I'm not being flippant OP but there are a LOT of people who don't have family who care about them in situations like these.

I can kind of understand their reluctance to let you "roam free" after you trying to end your life and them having to rush home from a holiday abroad. I'd imagine they're scared out of their wits that it might happen again... and I get that they can't wrap you in cotton wool forever but I think it might put them at ease somewhat if they can keep you close (ie keep an eye on you!) for the few days after such a traumatic experience for all of you.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better in yourself!

shesty

OP, you need to have a serious chat wih your family about this,I suppose. But equally are not a parent yourself I guess and the absolute devastation that ending a life causes to the family at large is....unbelievable.Having witnessed it myself in the last week, it destroys families for years.So you do need some sort of acceptance that they are bloody petrified you will do it again and succed and they love you so much, and are so terrified of losing you, that they are afraid to let you out of their sight until they can see that things might be better.

Slainte77

Thanks for your responses!!! I have spoken with my parents and told them how I feel. I've also listened to them and understand their concerns. I will be staying with my aunt for a couple of nights who lives about 40 miles away and I'll be back home again. I'll also see other aunt's and cousins. I'm seeing a mental Heath nurse tomorrow before I go.

My brother is not happy that I'm going and also not happy that I'm not telling people (apart from my immediate family) what I've done. He thinks it should be all out in the open. I've tried to explain to him that I'm not ready to tell and that someday when I'm stronger and ready I'll be more open about my mental health issues. I'm not ready to be pressured into telling people right this minute. He's not accepting this and said that I am not taking what I did seriously.

This is making me feel more anxious at the moment.

I have received appointments with the Mental Health Team and will attend them. It's just I feel pressured into doing things I'm not ready to do, pressured not to visit my aunt and pressured into not leaving the house it will only make me worse.