An EX-UAL encounter with an unexpected outcome

Lovestolisten

I dated my ex for 10 years. I left him 4 years ago because of his drinking habits.

He made many attempts over the 4 years to contact and reconnect, he is close to my friends and family. I reaffirmed my position on his drinking and cut off contact each time.

In an unusual turn of events we bumped into one another recently ( first face2face meeting since the breakup)
It was a very boozy social event, one thing led to another and the next morning we’re waking up together.
We spent the next day together chatting and hanging out. I didn’t mention the breakup but he did.
He said he still loved me and we met again that evening to talk.

He talked about how he felt and how confused he’s mind was, he asked me millions of questions about how well I was doing. Was I happy .. bla bla..
The usual catch up stuff. He held my hand, gazed into my eyes, smiled.. all the right stuff to melt my cold heart!

BUT then.. In a massive turn around he called me the next day and said he’s being seeing someone else, didn’t mean anything he said , we shouldn’t see one another again and hadn’t contacted since and blocked me from all socials !!
That was 4 days ago ..,

Now all my feelings have come flooding back and I’m left wondering WTF !!

Did he just not like who I am now ? .. I was a mess with him, I turned my life around a lot since then .. career, lifestyle etc.,
or maybe was it the new GF , who is 10 years younger than him.. shes 20’s .. we’re 30’s
or maybe he just wanted a little revenge??

What’s all your opinions?

Unanimous

Lovestolisten wrote: »

I dated my ex for 10 years. I left him 4 years ago because of his drinking habits.

Did he just not like who I am now ? .. I was a mess with him, I turned my life around a lot since then .. career, lifestyle etc.,
or maybe was it the new GF , who is 10 years younger than him.. shes 20’s .. we’re 30’s
or maybe he just wanted a little revenge??

What’s all your opinions?

You don't need answers to these questions.
All you need to know is that you did the right thing and there is no going back.
Block him out of your life ands never let him back.
Theodore Roosevelt said that comparison is the thief of joy!
That was what he came to do.
To steal your joy and have you wondering about him/his new gf.
Don't be bothered about him, her, her age etc.
Get on fine and assume he died!

Lovestolisten

Unanimous wrote: »

You don't need answers to these questions.
All you need to know is that you did the right thing and there is no going back.
Block him out of your life ands never let him back.
Theodore Roosevelt said that comparison is the thief of joy!
That was what he came to do.
To steal your joy and have you wondering about him/his new gf.
Don't be bothered about him, her, her age etc.
Get on fine and assume he died!

Solid advice, you’re a wise person and I sincerely thank you... I am generally a logical and capable thinker But my logical brain has been misbehaving ever since the encounter, logic and reason seem to of vanished and I’m left like a jumbled up mess!

Big Bag of Chips

You left him because of his drinking habits, and then had a drunken hook up. Not only a drunken hook up, but he cheated on his now gf with you while he was drunk.

Is that really the type of thing you'd honestly want to get back in to?

Lick your wounds, but you broke up with him for good reason. It sounds like those reasons are still very much there.

Lovestolisten

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You left him because of his drinking habits, and then had a drunken hook up. Not only a drunken hook up, but he cheated on his now gf with you while he was drunk.

Is that really the type of thing you'd honestly want to get back in to?

Lick your wounds, but you broke up with him for good reason. It sounds like those reasons are still very much there.

He has actually gotten worse.. but that isn’t helping me see logic .. maybe he drugged me with some potion to make me lust after him 😆LOL

Calypso Realm

Lovestolisten wrote: »

He said he still loved me and we met again that evening to talk.

When reading your post it struck me he was the one doing all the talking about how much he cared etc etc, but you haven't said anything about how YOU responded. So how did you?

Are you absolutely sure he's seeing someone else? It's possible he is of course, but also he may have changed his tune because he sensed you had no interest in reconciling and it was his way of saving face in terms of you believing he's still not quite over you. (I'm saying this as someone who's behaved very similarily in the past, so can understand this)

On the other hand but equally likely, IF he actually has a new girlfriend he likes, he might just want to give this a go without having any ex from the past (thoughts) muddying the waters, so to speak!

And no, I don't think he wanted revenge at all.......I just think seeing you again re-awakened his dormant feelings.

As and aside, I found it strange given you have mutual friends etc, this was the first face-to-face meeting you'd had in four years. When was the last time he contacted you, just out of interest?


ETA I've just seen your update and given he's nor reformed his ways, think it best you cut this one loose!

Lovestolisten

Calypso Realm wrote: »

When reading your post it struck me he was the one doing all the talking about how much he cared etc etc, but you haven't said anything about how YOU responded. So how did you?

Are you absolutely sure he's seeing someone else? It's possible he is of course, but also he may have changed his tune because he sensed you had no interest in reconciling and it was his way of saving face in terms of you believing he's still not quite over you. (I'm saying this as someone who's behaved very similarily in the past, so can understand this)

On the other hand but equally likely, IF he actually has a new girlfriend he likes, he might just want to give this a go without having any ex from the past (thoughts) muddying the waters, so to speak!

And no, I don't think he wanted revenge at all.......I just think seeing you again re-awakened his dormant feelings.

As and aside, I found it strange given you have mutual friends etc, this was the first face-to-face meeting you'd had in four years. When was the last time he contacted you, just out of interest?

Thanks for your reply Calypso

I kept the conversation light and friendly. I have no interest in dragging up the past, it’s the past and I’d rather leave it there.
I chatted about where I’m at now, I have a few interesting things going on that he was really into asking about. Building a house, professional career. Things I worked on and did myself since leaving him.

Why we never met..
We moved overseas together., I left him and he moved home..
I had to come back to Ireland last year due to family issue.

He contacted me via email on/off over the 4 years.. last message was Dec to say Happy New Year.. I replied with same. That’s it.

In all honesty I’m actually thinking he didn’t really like me once we probably started talking.
I told him in a very frank way that he was in a dangerous path of distraction, drinking, gambling and recklessness.

(Info from a close mutual friend) His new GF would definitely not say those things to him. She idolises him and always takes him back and would never break up with him for misbehaving.
I put it to him bluntly that he repeatedly told me over the 24 hours that he loved me deeply but only said he liked her, and didn’t want her to get hurt., I said is that really the relationship you want? To like someone and treat them like rubbish because you’re afraid to be single?

It was with that , that his tone turned , he said everything he said was the drink talking, it meant nothing and not to contact him again.

I should of hung up and forgot about the whole thing but unfortunately I can’t

Big Bag of Chips

Pity his poor gf. She's young, foolish and knows no better. Very like you were for 10 years with him. Their relationship isn't good. He is using her and her inexperience to his advantage. Sounds like she has already had plenty of reason to finish with him, so he's not treating her any better than he treated you.

Hopefully she will one day come to her senses, but there's going to be a lot of heartache for her in the meantime. Men like him dont really love anyone. They're not capable. That's not a reflection on anyone other than them.

Be glad he's blocked you. He obviously only did that to prevent you from making contact with his gf. You had a moment of weakness. Move on. It'd be a whole lot worse if you somehow chased him now. You don't want him, so it shouldn't matter that he doesn't want you? You should be thankful that you're finally rid of him.

LegacyUser

I could have written your post OP and from experience it’s your ego that’s bruised moreso than your heart. Up to now you were in control and rebuffing his advances, now he’s picked you up and put you back down and you’re left wondering why and how you let it happen. You’re reeling and it seems like he gets to walk away leaving you behind.

The reality is you don’t want this guy either, it’s just the bruised ego that has you spinning. You didn’t want him in the last 4 years, and now you know for sure he’s the kind of guy who would mess with you and your emotions, while having a gf, and then change his mind and leave you in the dust. If that’s what you needed to give him so you can move on and never wonder about what might have been then let him have it.

Sure, he could be mixed up/confused/battling with his own emotions but even if he is, so what? He has treated you terribly and the reasons are immaterial - it’s everything about the kind of man he is and nothing about the kind of woman you are. Dust yourself off, realize he’s better out of your life and remember it’s not your fault. Sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt who don’t deserve it. Be thankful for a lucky escape....because I thank god every day for mine 😉

wiggle16

Lovestolisten wrote: »

He has actually gotten worse.. but that isn’t helping me see logic ..

In a way you have your answer there. He's messed up as a person and he's just realised he's come close to messing things up with his girlfriend too. I doubt there's any answer he could give to your questions. He doesn't sound like the kind of person who can think five minutes ahead of his own face.

In a way what you're feeling is to be expected. He was the one chasing you, for years, and then suddenly he cuts contact with you - so it's thrown you a bit. But in most situations, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one: as others have pointed out, he's blocked you to prevent his girlfriend finding out. I promise you, there's nothing more to it than that.

He sounds like a piece of work. You're well shot of him.

leggo

Not necessarily a similar situation, but I remember an ex broke up with me out of the blue and it hit me hard. I got over it as best I could while she grew completely cold and shut me out. Down the line, we bumped into each other and ended up sleeping together. For whatever reason, that cured me of any residual grief I had for her. I had gotten 95% of the way while she had ghosted me, but needed that last 5% from her (I know now) to validate that she had actually liked me and I hadn’t been a fool for thinking as much, then I was good to go. In a complete role reversal, she then began chasing me and I had no interest. Nothing against her but if we never spoke again, I wouldn’t blink tbh. She barely comes into my head nowadays.

Totally different circumstances but a lot of similarities jumping out at me there in trying to rationalise his actions. Either way, I’d continue to try and work your way back to realising there was a reason you broke up with him and nothing you’ve described would indicate those reasons have moved an inch. It happened, that’s fine, it’s not uncommon for exes to wake up next to each other and no shame in it whatsoever. So tell yourself how it worked out was for the best and try move on with your life. Looking back and lamenting a bad partner who continues to treat you badly certainly won’t make your life any happier.

Lovestolisten

Leggo , I did have a really frightening moment where I almost pursued him the day after 'incident' and that's the exact vibe I got, He seen me in different light.
I called once and sent a couple of snaps.. yes all seem innocent but when emotions are high and the chemicals running every single piece of communication is analysed, so I think he seen my contact as me reaching out and looking for him back.
Being honest, it might of been a little bit of attention seeking but overall I just felt comfortable talking to him so I didn't think twice about the communication. He obviously seen it as something totally different.
Years of chasing and then all of a sudden he held the power and I looked weak.

In conclusion nothing about him has changed in my eyes.
I still see him as a waste of space, alcoholic, gambling addict but I cannot seem to shake him from my thoughts.
My rational mind knows that leaving him was the worlds best decision, my life has elevated to another level since breaking away but I am left with a lot of residual damage and its all bubbling up to the surface now.

Yellow pack crisps

For all you have achieved, you have learned nothing. Don’t let your ego rule your head. Look at the conversation you had with him. Why like her, when you can love me? He doesn’t want you, he wants you to want him, and you have obliged. You say you have come a long way? Maybe not long enough. I think you have work to do on yourself.

leggo

Lovestolisten wrote: »

Leggo , I did have a really frightening moment where I almost pursued him the day after 'incident' and that's the exact vibe I got, He seen me in different light.
I called once and sent a couple of snaps.. yes all seem innocent but when emotions are high and the chemicals running every single piece of communication is analysed, so I think he seen my contact as me reaching out and looking for him back.
Being honest, it might of been a little bit of attention seeking but overall I just felt comfortable talking to him so I didn't think twice about the communication. He obviously seen it as something totally different.
Years of chasing and then all of a sudden he held the power and I looked weak.

In conclusion nothing about him has changed in my eyes.
I still see him as a waste of space, alcoholic, gambling addict but I cannot seem to shake him from my thoughts.
My rational mind knows that leaving him was the worlds best decision, my life has elevated to another level since breaking away but I am left with a lot of residual damage and its all bubbling up to the surface now.

That's really good that you wrote that out, so read it back now: is that something you want or need in your life? Does it make it better in any way to be involved in this 'power' game with someone you view with such contempt?

That's toxic behaviour and this guy likely has a way of dragging you into these games, it happens, we can connect with people on totally the wrong wavelengths and they end up bringing out the absolute worst in us. But we feel that pull of connection all the same and are drawn to it when we don't know to recognise it as dangerous. Like a bee being compelled to sting despite the fact that that act will kill it. Use this moment to identify how that feels within yourself, connect with the feelings and learn to recognise that toxic pull as a bad thing to fear and be avoided, so that you can benefit in the future.

Then the good news is: you can just let go. You don't really have any choice anyway, which is a blessing in disguise. You're not back in this mess again. You haven't done anything particularly wrong, that millions of others haven't. Write it off when you've gleamed what you can from it and be thankful for the lesson, it will benefit you immensely in the future.

LegacyUser

I agree with Leggo's posts. Don't be surprised if he comes around again. He's been in a long habit of chasing/pining for you but he does not want the reality of it. He likes the thought of lost love perhaps. Some people do that. It gives them meaning and something to focus on.

Lovestolisten

Yellow Pack Crisps
This is the very reason I put this post up, impartial and honest straightforward advice.
My friends/ family all said it to me straight but for some reason it didn't sink in.
I think I needed to hear this from a jury of my peers!

I had a bad run of things relationship wise since breaking up with him. I found trust, commitment and compromise really difficult. My last relationship ended with me feeling on a cliff edge.

Single female in mid-30's syndrome I think!

Now I put zero emphasis on looks but my nearest and dearest constantly say.. "oh you must have a charmed life with men beating a path to your door"..

This could not be further from the truth, I geared all my energy now towards building up life and career and now I'm probably a bit lonely or longing for a man in my life..
(I had a big life changing moment last year, I had to leave my life overseas, end relationship, leave job and come back to Ireland to care for a seriously ill family member for a year) ..
This probably puts some flesh on my circumstance !!

'Enter worlds most inappropriate man' ...

I know and am 100% listening to all the advice, I know this man is dangerous and of zero benefit to me but HOW to I get him out of my mind?
I don't want to drink, I exercise daily, read, study, have quality friend time.. But he keeps popping back into my mind over and over..
There must be a hypnotherapy I can undergo !!!!

zapper55

Ok firstly deep breath.

You shagged an ex that had a huge impact at the time. No wonder your head is wrecked now.

It's normal for your head to be in a spin over this, you are being very hard on yourself. Do.you try and be a perfectionist? We all make mistakes.

Your last post sounds like you are a completely unsettled. Not sure I'd blame your age. I'm a few years older than you and have never felt more at peace.

You listed off loads of things you do to keep busy but where is the joy in your life? Do you get out in nature etc?

Sardonicat

It WILL pass. Could you book yourself a holiday or some kind of trip that involves sometching that will keep you really active mentally?

Lovestolisten

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

For all you have achieved, you have learned nothing. Don’t let your ego rule your head. Look at the conversation you had with him. Why like her, when you can love me? He doesn’t want you, he wants you to want him, and you have obliged. You say you have come a long way? Maybe not long enough. I think you have work to do on yourself.

zapper55 wrote: »

Ok firstly deep breath.

You shagged an ex that had a huge impact at the time. No wonder your head is wrecked now.

It's normal for your head to be in a spin over this, you are being very hard on yourself. Do.you try and be a perfectionist? We all make mistakes.

Your last post sounds like you are a completely unsettled. Not sure I'd blame your age. I'm a few years older than you and have never felt more at peace.

You listed off loads of things you do to keep busy but where is the joy in your life? Do you get out in nature etc?

Zapper55
You make a very valid point, I have been working hard and lost sight of what makes me happy.
I used to spend everyday in nature and being happy, I definitely need to get back to that.
I'm probably seeking short term solutions to fix a long term issue.

Lovestolisten

I must say, This has been a very rewarding experience.
I am so grateful for all the beautiful advice I have received.

My loud and angry mind has calmed and balanced ever so slightly.

What do all you guys do to find your peace?.. What do you do everyday that keeps the crazy at bay !!
I think its time for an over hall of my mental health

ginandtonicsky

Podcasts, therapy, mindfulness, practising gratitude, walks in nature - these all help.

Sounds very hippy-dippy, but pick just one of those things, do it every day and you'll gradually see changes.

As women we tend to over-invest in our relationships, project and engage in future-think from the very first date. Particularly when you hit your 30s and the gradual panic of "oh sh1t, need to get a move on!" sets in. Men tend more to live in the now, she seems cool but we'll see how it goes.

That panic can involve overlooking red flags, truckloads of the wrong men and engaging with exes for no rational reason. Your mindset is so important here. You have to shift your mindset from being motivated by fear and panic (I'm going to die alone...every man hurts me...) to coming from a place of love and openness (iI love my life, I'm going to take every man on his own merits and see if he fits in my wonderful life)

We also have a habit of treating every new prospect like a criminal who's responsible for the sins of every man who went before him. Which is going to drive any sane person away.

Be kinder to yourself. You've got all those love chemicals rushing through your brain right now, oxytocin and endorphins and all those annoying things that happen when you sleep with someone. And it's not just anyone - it's your ex - so it's all the more potent.

He wasn't then and isn't now a fit, and you know that for sure now. Take that as a valuable lesson, be a bit kind and gentle with yourself and move forward into joy and happiness. Don't let this be a script in your head about how bad your love life is or how awful "men" are, this is actually a pretty common thing that many single people go through and all of us who have dated for any length of time will experience this kind of behaviour. Take it for exactly what it is - just an affirmation that your ex is your ex for a reason, no more.

Lovestolisten

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Podcasts, therapy, mindfulness, practising gratitude, walks in nature - these all help.

Sounds very hippy-dippy, but pick just one of those things, do it every day and you'll gradually see changes.

As women we tend to over-invest in our relationships, project and engage in future-think from the very first date. Particularly when you hit your 30s and the gradual panic of "oh sh1t, need to get a move on!" sets in. Men tend more to live in the now, she seems cool but we'll see how it goes.

That panic can involve overlooking red flags, truckloads of the wrong men and engaging with exes for no rational reason. Your mindset is so important here. You have to shift your mindset from being motivated by fear and panic (I'm going to die alone...every man hurts me...) to coming from a place of love and openness (iI love my life, I'm going to take every man on his own merits and see if he fits in my wonderful life)

We also have a habit of treating every new prospect like a criminal who's responsible for the sins of every man who went before him. Which is going to drive any sane person away.

Be kinder to yourself. You've got all those love chemicals rushing through your brain right now, oxytocin and endorphins and all those annoying things that happen when you sleep with someone. And it's not just anyone - it's your ex - so it's all the more potent.

He wasn't then and isn't now a fit, and you know that for sure now. Take that as a valuable lesson, be a bit kind and gentle with yourself and move forward into joy and happiness. Don't let this be a script in your head about how bad your love life is or how awful "men" are, this is actually a pretty common thing that many single people go through and all of us who have dated for any length of time will experience this kind of behaviour. Take it for exactly what it is - just an affirmation that your ex is your ex for a reason, no more.

I wish this post had a LOVE button
Thanks so much for all that really good advice.
Sometimes it's good to know that I'm not alone in having these feelings.

Yellow pack crisps

There is loads of things to do. Search meet-up.com, surely you will find something that you like. You have done so well getting your career up and runnning, would you accept second best in your professional life? If the answer is no, then why would you accept it in your personal life. You won’t change people, that’s a fact, your ex is who he is. You don’t like who he is, so what makes you want him? It’s not because of who he is, maybe you think you won’t meet anyone who ‘gets you’ like him, but how can you? If youre pinning after something you don’t even want. It’s bettet to be single in your 30’s than stuck with an asshole and add kids to the mix and you’re not only f!cking up your life, but theirs too. Any age really. Find someone who values you as much as you should value yourself. Stop looking at what’s behind you, see what’s in front of you. Figure out, what and who you want. As for how to stop the crazy? Why would you want too? It’s part of who you are. When you stop thinking about what you’re supposedly missing and start thinking about what you have, well then you will ge half way there. Life is about enjoyment. Sometimes that’s with someone and sometimes it’s just ourselves. If you can’t see your own positives then how do you expect anyone else too. Leave the past where it should be, just use it as a compass to not get lost.