Housemate in bad relationship

LegacyUser

I moved into a house share early last summer, there was 3 already in the house, all girls who have been living here 2+ years.

One of the girls has her bedroom directly below mine and has her boyfriend over a couple nights a week and all they do is scream at each other. It wasn't always as bad as it is now, they've snapped at each other but not every time he's over.

In my opinion they're as bad as each other - he calls her fat, ugly, useless, a c*nt. She calls him useless, ugly, worthless, constantly accuses him of cheating, threatens to ring his job for reasons I don't know ... it goes on and on. Over the bank holiday weekend they were in the kitchen having dinner and screaming at each other. She threw the plate and cutlery at him. He pushed her into her bedroom (I didn't see but heard her screaming to stop pushing her and let go), he slammed the door shut and left the house.

I'll be first to admit I'm soft enough and hate living with this. The other two girls just ignore it but I'm on edge constantly. The first time I heard an argument I was down in the kitchen later that evening and asked her if she was okay, she snapped at me and asked me why I was asking and did she look like something was wrong with her. I flat out said I couldn't help but hear the argument because they were shouting in the kitchen and she told me its none of my business and I didn't understand. She isn't friendly with anyone in the house and slams doors and is rough with everything when she's in a mood which also puts me on edge.

I don't know what to do - is it my business? we're not friends or friendly but it is my home? Do I stay out of it? I've never even met the boyfriend, only heard him, so I don't think me, a stranger, going into the kitchen mid argument would help matters.

I know in a perfect world it's not acceptable for them to carry on this way in a house share but I just don't know how to approach it without either making her fly off the handle or embarrassing/upsetting her.

Big Bag of Chips

Next time they start call the guards and tell them there's a domestic disturbance. Are you letting directly from the landlord or through an agent? I find it very sad that this man is in your home a few nights a week, and you have never even met him... Because you are too afraid to use the house, that you pay rent for, when he's around?

It is absolutely your business. You should feel safe in your home. You don't. Call the guards, and contact the landlord.

wiggle16

In all honesty, while I know I'm making it sound oh-so-simple, you should really look at moving. That's more than anyone should be expected to put up with in a houseshare and it can't be worth it.

This is the dynamic that couple have. It won't change. They know everyone can hear them, they just don't care. There is nothing that you can say to them to make them change or take it outside - they're not ashamed to act that way in a house with three other people in it, and if they can treat each other like that then I don't doubt they can do the same to anyone else who tries to interfere.

I would strongly recommend you move as soon as you can, and let the landlord know what's been going on. If he is being violent with her, definitely call the guards while they're in the act, but I wouldn't expect anything to come of that. She will likely take up for him in front of the guards, and then they will both round on you or one of the other tenants to see who called the guards on "them" (they will probably not see it as calling the guards on a man assaulting a woman), and then they will resume their row where they left off.

I'm sorry if that's overly simplistic, but I would say this is one of those situations that cannot be reasoned with. They both sound as bad as each other and your best bet is to get out of there. It sounds unbearable.

LegacyUser

Agree with Wiggle16 OP I would start looking for another place to live. If her reaction is to snap at you when you ask if shes ok then she's not going to take kindly to you asking her to keep the volume down. They clearly don't care about the other people living in the house. Short term you can go bang on their door anytime they start screaming and tell them to shut up or you can call the guards but they aren't going to change and will just drag you into their drama so long term it's best to move.

.......

Can you talk to the other 2 girls and arrange a house meeting where you sit her down and tell her that both her behaviour and the behaviour of her guest is unacceptable?

If not, contact the landlord, move, call the guards when its happening or go and tell them to stop it while its happening - they are the only options you have and Id be advising complaining to the LL followed by calling the Guards.

Danzy

The only thing that will bring that couple together is you getting involved.

Rubberchikken

leave.
some people thrive on that type of relationship ( for want of a better word).
granted if there was physical violence then the gardai should be called but its not your responsibility to fix these people.

Tiddlypeeps

Personally I'd be getting the other housemates on board and telling her the boyfriend isn't welcome in the house anymore or you'll be going to the landlord over their antisocial behavior. She is under no obligation to listen, but if she continues to have him over and this behaviour continues I'd be hasseling the landlord to do something about it. If the landlord thinks he will lose potentially multiple good tenants because of one bad one he should be willing to step in.

I'd be calling the guards every time it happens again and when the guards are at the property I'd be calling the landlord to let him know whats up.

Always Tired

Either move or make them move. They won't change, it will keep happening.