I hate who I am, and why.

wiggle16

Hi there. Apologies in advance for the long post... I just found it very hard to explain. I suppose I'm just looking for perspectives on my situation. This is not as thrilling as most threads on here so drink something stimulating, and please bear with me
I'm male, 30 years old and back living at home. This was supposed to be a temporary situation, but three years later I'm still here. I found it hard to write this without going into the background cos I suppose it's relevant to WHY I'm back here.

So: I started in college when I was 19 – to explain it briefly, I'm epileptic but my doctor decided to take me off my medication in my final year as I hadn't has a seizure for a few years. I have always suffered with insomnia and the change exacerbated this, and my attendance became so bad that I failed the year. When I went back to repeat, I started having seizures again and had to be weaned back on to my medication, with the same ill-effects. Looking back I realise now that my mental health was not good at this time and it aggravated my tendency to self-harm, but I'll come back to that. I passed the year by the skin of my teeth, but my grades were so bad that I decided to defer my degree.

I should add at this point that I've worked full time since I was 17 and paid for college myself, my parents weren't footing the bill for all of this.

Eventually I decided to repeat after five years, I'd saved up enough to pay for it and arranged to go part time with my employer. My lease was up so I moved back home as the rent would've been too tight on a part time income. My first week back in college, my manager reneged on our arrangement and started rostering me full time again and demanding I come in when she knew I was in college. After several blazing rows, I told her to go **** herself, and I quit. I'd worked there for eight years. I'd never been out of work before and was terrified. I got through the year on my remaining savings and a tax rebate in the January. My best friend was also very good to me during this time. I was on the dole for four months after college before finally getting a job again, got my degree and did well in it. I'm now two years into a job I like and am (to my surprise) pretty good at, but it's public sector and the pay at my grade is pretty low. I can't afford to move out. I will not make ends meet.

So that's how I got to where I am now. I have been saving like a miser for the last couple of years but I am nowhere close to having a deposit for a mortgage. I know how lucky I am to have a roof over my head, I really do, but at the same time I hate not having my independence and I'm ashamed telling people I live at home at 30. I feel like a ****ing failure and my mood has been very low on and off for the last couple of years. Earlier this year, I interviewed for a different position in my department and got the job. It's shift work and very intense but the wage increase is massive (for me) and I thought finally there was some light at the end of the tunnel. Then a few weeks ago I realised that for a reason I won't get into here, I can't take the job... and it's got to me.

The result is that my mood is even lower than before. From my teens and for most of my adult life, I self-harmed regularly. It got particularly bad while I was in college the first time and doing badly, I went from cutting myself to burning myself. My longest relationship was three years and during that time I kept it under wraps, I explained the older scars away to my boyfriend as teenage stupidity (when they were actually mid-twenties stupidity :rolleyes: ). It started up again when I left him. Eventually I did tell my best mate about it and he got quite distressed by it, which convinced me to stop, and I did. I haven't done it for over two years. My mood has been so low that I have felt like doing it again – I haven't, and I am not going to, but it's not good that I've felt like it.

I find it very hard to do anything. Anything. I can't explain it. I procrastinate with everything, even stuff I like doing. I just think what's the point, or that I will do it wrong, and get very anxious about it. I want to diet and lose weight but because of the above I can't seem to stick to it. I can't remember the last time I bought clothes. I hate how I look in everything. I have put on weight and while I'm not big I can't stand how I look... I physically feel repulsive. I can't see how anyone would want me and I stopped going on dates or looking for them back in November. I want to lose weight because I think it would make me feel better but I can't motivate myself because I feel like no one will want me anyway.

Ultimately I'm ashamed of where I am. Obviously I'm to blame for that. I feel like I've made a lot of bad decisions in life, I look around and I see everyone else doing well. I just don't trust my judgement though in a lot of ways I didn't make decisions that were very different to theirs. I don't think I did. I don't know. And just to say, I am not speaking out of jealousy. I love seeing other people do well and when my friends tell me their good news I am delighted for them. I just get no enjoyment from my own life and feel unlikeable. I'm afraid to make drastic changes because I don't trust myself to do it right, not to **** it up and have to move back here again with nothing. I suppose I should put it this way: when I went back to college, I moved back home, I left my job, and my relationship ended. I pretty much started all over again from scratch with everything in my life - that's how it felt. I am afraid of doing that all again because I clearly didn't get it right the last time.

There's so much I need to do to get myself out of this rut and yet I can't see any workable way of doing it. Has anyone reading this felt like this and what did you do about it? If you got this far, thank you so much for reading, and I'm grateful for any responses
Thanks

Dalomanakora

Are you in treatment for your mental health?


I ask because a lot of what you're describing with regards to your feelings signals depression. I know a lot of epilepsy meds are also antidepressants, but that probably isn't enough on its own.


If you're not in any treatment for your mental well-being, that would be the first port of call. You're not going to change things while you're feeling so down about yourself.



As for the rest, you're not a failure. Blaming yourself for how things are is understandable but wrong. You struggled due to neurological and mental illness, that's not your fault at all. I don't have a neurological illness but I ended up leaving college at 17 because of mental illness. I didn't go back til I was 27.


Similarly I'm back living with a parent. It works fine because said parent needs a carer anyway, so for now it's grand for us both. But I get the whole feeling like a failure thing, I do too tbh.



So if you're feeling this way, it's on you to change it. I started with my mental health. Then I went back to college, which you've already done. Now I'm working on getting a better job because although I love mine, it's not enough financially.



Everything you want is within your grasp. But if you allow yourself to stay stuck in the mindset you're in now, it won't happen for you. If you feel like you're stuck, take steps to change it. Start with your mental health. Then your weight. Then your career. After that, if you work to change all three, things will drastically improve.

B0jangles

It does sound like you feel very trapped in a cycle of shame and self-reproach which is both coming from and fuelling background mental illness. Depression and anxiety steal your energy and your hope and leave you feeling unable to do anything but constantly reflect on all the things you've done wrong.

But you're not failing; you've had some big setbacks but you have worked hard to get to where you want to be in the future - and when you think other people are forging ahead living great lives, remember that they may well be wearing a mask to cover their own insecurities and unhappinesses.

Lastly, it might be worth doing a little research into CBD oil - it's supposed to be extremely effective for both seizures and anxiety. I've found it great for anxiety myself. Obviously do check with your doctor that it would be safe with any medication you're taking first

Take care of yourself - you sound like a kindly and thoughtful person who is harder on themselves than they would ever be on anyone else.

beauf

Dalomanakora wrote: »

Are you in treatment for your mental health?


I ask because a lot of what you're describing with regards to your feelings signals depression. I know a lot of epilepsy meds are also antidepressants, but that probably isn't enough on its own.


If you're not in any treatment for your mental well-being, that would be the first port of call. You're not going to change things while you're feeling so down about yourself.



...

I'd only agree with this above.

You're a bit hard on yourself. It's been a hard graft and hard journey but you've worked hard and made it this far. I think you need to give yourself a break...

.. What do you do for you? Maybe you need to take up a sport or hobby for some quality you time. Perhaps with a friend.

murmer

Hey wiggle - I can relate to how you feel. I really think you could benefit from speaking with a therapist about your situation. I’ve only recently (I’m 35) realised that I needed help with my mental health and I really wish I had tackled it sooner. I reached out to a therapist and although I am not “cured” it has been a great relief for someone with empathy to guide me through this and I am slowly getting a handle on things. I suggest giving it a try just for 1 session and see how you get on?

Purgative

I don't usually reply to threads on here - someone has usually made the point I was going to make by the time I read them anyway.


But:


Hats off for doing this. It took a fair amount of nutz particularly as you look after the forum. So good for you.


There's a theme in a number of threads on here. This comparison with others is self destructive. He has a nicer phone, car, dog, house, (insert applicable item).


Now this next thought is sketchy , but we are more than the sum of the goods that we amass.


Not much help I'm afraid but I wish you all the very best.

SirChenjin

B0jangles wrote: »

It does sound like you feel very trapped in a cycle of shame and self-reproach which is both coming from and fuelling background mental illness. Depression and anxiety steal your energy and your hope and leave you feeling unable to do anything but constantly reflect on all the things you've done wrong.

But you're not failing; you've had some big setbacks but you have worked hard to get to where you want to be in the future - and when you think other people are forging ahead living great lives, remember that they may well be wearing a mask to cover their own insecurities and unhappinesses.

Take care of yourself - you sound like a kindly and thoughtful person who is harder on themselves than they would ever be on anyone else.

+1 to all of the above.

In relation to the sentence I bolded, if a friend told you any of the above, I'm guessing your first instinct would be to help, and to tell them not to be so harsh on themselves.
Self-compassion is something we often overlook, or forget about completely.

If I were to pick one thing out as an example from your post, you had a horrible time in college, you turned it around and made a success of it. You didn't take the crap your employer was dealing out, you got out of there, and completed your course and got a job.

Do you have a good health professional that you can turn to? CBT/ counselling combined with medication (if applicable) would be my suggestion to start to break the cycle in which yiu find yourself.

In relation to others, some or maybe most of us are putting on a mask in some shape or form. Some people do seem to lead charmed lives. Others do seem to be dealt a sh1t hand whether through illness/ bereavement/ whatever. It's not always down to decisions we make, good or bad. We do the best with what we have and the situation in which we find ourselves at any given time.

All the best OP, and take care.

Sorry about that

Hi Wiggle, you have so much to be proud of, but at the moment you can't see it.

You put yourself through college, you've gotten yourself a job, you're aiming for promotion, you're saving your ass off. Fantastic person with loads of ambition from what I'm reading.

On the living at home thing- you're definitely not alone there. Just yesterday a girl on newstalk was saying that she and her partner, both with decent public sector jobs, couldn't save enough for a deposit for a house. The mortgage wasn't going to be unmanageable, it was getting a deposit together. And you're single, just keep saving.

I'm sure your parents are delighted to have you there, they'd chop off their limbs for you I promise, so even though it's not ideal, there's zero shame in it.

My advice is to get a bit of counseling, cbt is supposed to be the business these days, but whichever you choose, it will probably help you shake off this unnecessary negativity you have towards yourself. I can say for a fact that a 6 week course of counselling changed my life and helped me shake off a miserable cloud of insecurity. You're doing nothing wrong, but your thoughts are holding you back.
Good luck.

1hnr79jr65

I don't see anything form what you have written that should make you ashamed of yourself or your position.

Mental health concerns, a lot of folks out there who have them, myself included, most not as brave to discuss them in such an open matter. It is never easy to deal with, we all have up and down days, sometimes more of 1 or the other in a row depending how things are but we can all pull through it.

As others have pointed out, you put yourself through college through your own hard work, something to be very proud of as not many can or in some cases these day are willing to do for themselves with a lot of handouts sought. You should be very proud of that.

A lot of folks myself and my fiance included have done the whole like at home to help scrimp and save, a necessary evil but can be so worth it when you finally achieve your end goal. Stick it out, don't give up and remember what the goal is, it will be hard at times but oh so worth it and feels so satisfying when you will achieve it.

I won't offer advice on counselors, been down that road seeing them myself and not always work, different strokes for different folks. What i would offer you is write to yourself, letters, poems, sometimes gibberish if unsure what to write. How you feel, why you feel like you do when down, put those feelings and thoughts into an envelope and seal them away. Then a few weeks/months/years down the road (whichever is best) open them and read them aloud to yourself and take pride in the fact that you got passed those issues to get to that point of being able to read them when they hold no power over you anymore.

And most importantly, surround yourself with positive people, your friends, family, a loved one. Enjoy time with them and just live. Shame can be like a fire blanket that can smother the life from you, if you let it, just throw it away and burn brightly.

Big Bag of Chips

B0jangles wrote: »

Take care of yourself - you sound like a kindly and thoughtful person who is harder on themselves than they would ever be on anyone else.

Print this out, frame it, and hang it somewhere where you will see it every day.

wiggle16

Thanks a million for the replies, I really appreciate them. You are all very kind. I'd meant to reply much sooner but was a little overwhelmed!

Dalomanakora wrote: »

Are you in treatment for your mental health? I ask because a lot of what you're describing with regards to your feelings signals depression. I know a lot of epilepsy meds are also antidepressants, but that probably isn't enough on its own.

Thanks Dalomanakora. I'm not and never have been. The above has given me food for thought though.
My medication for epilepsy is an anticonvulsant that works as an antipsychotic at a lower dose. My (limited) understanding is that when it goes over a certain threshold amount, it stops being an antipsychotic and takes on anticonvulsant properties instead. I think that when I was being weaned off the medication the first time, this played a part in why I got so down, and then I had to go back on it very rapidly when I started having seizures again, which was just as draining, and knowing I was going to fail the year again I started to self-harm much more severely. It's very difficult to explain! But it was basically how I coped with things for a long time, I'm very good at regulating my emotions in front of other people, and then I would hurt myself to let it out.

It's very hard to explain it properly, it's like I needed to express what I had within me and carried around for the day, but also needed to feel something other than what I would feel like during the day, and that was pain.

I stopped after I confided in my best friend and he got, understandably, very distressed about it, and at that point I decided it wasn't okay anymore, and I didn't want to lie and say I'd stopped when I hadn't. So I did.

B0jangles wrote: »

It does sound like you feel very trapped in a cycle of shame and self-reproach which is both coming from and fuelling background mental illness.
[...]
Take care of yourself - you sound like a kindly and thoughtful person who is harder on themselves than they would ever be on anyone else.

That's very kind of you, I hadn't thought of it like that at all. Thank you My seizures have been under control for several years now, thankfully, I've been incredibly lucky in that respect.

beauf wrote: »

What do you do for you? Maybe you need to take up a sport or hobby for some quality you time. Perhaps with a friend.

Thanks beauf. I read and I love languages. I draw and paint a lot, I doodle constantly. Or used to. The last while though I've found it very hard to start a painting or drawing, and I ended up putting all my supplies away a couple of months ago because I got too annoyed looking at them and not being able to do anything with them. I got it into my head last year to maybe do a charity auction/sale of my paintings and stuff at work because they are just sitting in a box here in the room with me, and I could put them to doing some good, but I never went ahead with it, I was afraid I wouldn't sell anything.
I destroyed almost all of my older artwork in a fit of temper a couple of years ago, I wanted to self-harm but had promised myself I wouldn't so I destroyed all of it instead. I regret doing that because I can't get that back.

murmer wrote: »

Hey wiggle - I can relate to how you feel. I really think you could benefit from speaking with a therapist about your situation. I’ve only recently (I’m 35) realised that I needed help with my mental health and I really wish I had tackled it sooner. I reached out to a therapist and although I am not “cured” it has been a great relief for someone with empathy to guide me through this and I am slowly getting a handle on things. I suggest giving it a try just for 1 session and see how you get on?

Thanks murmer. I will defo look into that. I'm a bit averse to the idea of counselling or therapy, which is hypocritical since I'd be the first to suggest it to others here, but that's not because I have a negative view of it or anything, I just find it very hard to talk about this stuff in person. But I'll give it a try, thank you. I hope things keep improving for you

wiggle16

Purgative wrote: »

Hats off for doing this. It took a fair amount of nutz particularly as you look after the forum. So good for you.

There's a theme in a number of threads on here. This comparison with others is self destructive. He has a nicer phone, car, dog, house, (insert applicable item). Now this next thought is sketchy , but we are more than the sum of the goods that we amass.

Thanks Purgative. I get what you mean there. I'm not a materialistic person, it's just when I see friends and people I know getting on well in their lives, getting married, having kids, making a home of their own, I just feel like they have the wherewithall to do that whereas I can't seem to hack it at life. But I know they worked hard for it too.
And thanks for that, I wasn't sure whether to go anonymous or not, in case it hurt my Boards street-cred :cool:

SirChenjin wrote: »

+1 to all of the above.
In relation to the sentence I bolded, if a friend told you any of the above, I'm guessing your first instinct would be to help, and to tell them not to be so harsh on themselves.
Do you have a good health professional that you can turn to? CBT/ counselling combined with medication (if applicable) would be my suggestion to start to break the cycle in which yiu find yourself.

Thanks SirChenjin
I read the replies this morning and then talked to my friend about it. I had a GP appointment today anyway for an ongoing health issue, I've had a couple of medical problems over the last 7 months (I just realised there that they've been going on 7 months, Jesus...) that have left me in a lot of pain from time to time. Was in with the GP and bit the bullet and brought it up with him. I'd been prescribed an antidepressant last year after a panic attack, but never took it as I didn't think I needed it, so I asked him if I was to take it now, how would I go about it etc... he prescribed me a different one, I picked it up from the chemist this evening. So I might give that a try. I suppose I'm just apprehensive about it.

Sorry about that wrote: »

Hi Wiggle, you have so much to be proud of, but at the moment you can't see it.
You put yourself through college, you've gotten yourself a job, you're aiming for promotion, you're saving your ass off. Fantastic person with loads of ambition from what I'm reading.

My advice is to get a bit of counseling, cbt is supposed to be the business these days, but whichever you choose, it will probably help you shake off this unnecessary negativity you have towards yourself. I can say for a fact that a 6 week course of counselling changed my life and helped me shake off a miserable cloud of insecurity. You're doing nothing wrong, but your thoughts are holding you back.
Good luck.

Thanks very much. I've heard good things too and I'll look into that. My circumstances definitely need to change in some way, but you're right, I probably shouldn't feel this distressed about them. I wonder sometimes if it's in me to just be like this or if it's a result of circumstances, and then I have to remind myself that it's not normal to feel like this all the time.

Thanks again

wiggle16

Thanks Sour Lemonz.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Print this out, frame it, and hang it somewhere where you will see it every day.

Dalomanakora

wiggle16 wrote: »

Thanks a million for the replies, I really appreciate them. You are all very kind. I'd meant to reply much sooner but was a little overwhelmed!



Thanks Dalomanakora. I'm not and never have been. The above has given me food for thought though.
My medication for epilepsy is an anticonvulsant that works as an antipsychotic at a lower dose. My (limited) understanding is that when it goes over a certain threshold amount, it stops being an antipsychotic and takes on anticonvulsant properties instead. I think that when I was being weaned off the medication the first time, this played a part in why I got so down, and then I had to go back on it very rapidly when I started having seizures again, which was just as draining, and knowing I was going to fail the year again I started to self-harm much more severely. It's very difficult to explain! But it was basically how I coped with things for a long time, I'm very good at regulating my emotions in front of other people, and then I would hurt myself to let it out.

It's very hard to explain it properly, it's like I needed to express what I had within me and carried around for the day, but also needed to feel something other than what I would feel like during the day, and that was pain.

I stopped after I confided in my best friend and he got, understandably, very distressed about it, and at that point I decided it wasn't okay anymore, and I didn't want to lie and say I'd stopped when I hadn't. So I did.

You explained it perfectly, actually. I've been there, when I was younger.


It's a coping mechanism. If you struggle to express your emotions to people, it's just another coping mechanism. It's obviously an unhealthy one, but I understand how it feels helpful even though long term it's not.


I think you're right about the epilepsy meds. I know someone on them, and it's a higher dose than is given for mental illness, and they're then on a separate antidepressant for mental health.


I definitely think it'd be worth a chat with your GP, though. Sounds to me that because you're not harming yourself, you've essentially given up the only coping mechanism you actually know. And that's not a mechanism you should ever go back to, but ultimately what you're describing sounds like you have no methods of coping and because of that, are spiralling downwards.


Again, been there. A lot of things you've posted (even taking the self harm out of it) are massive indicators of depression and I do think if you talk to your doctor and seek some help for it, be it meds or therapy or both, it'll help you to learn some healthy coping mechanisms. Life is a lot easier when you know how to cope with it.

joeguevara

You are focusing on all the things you consider bad and actually have connected all the good things to that.

E.g. putting yourself through college.
Saving hard
Moving home
Go part time
Manager reneged.

Each of the good things is then deeply rooted in what you perceive as negative. Which means you are in a rut and worry about making decisions because of the fear that even positive ones will eventually turn bad.

Why not stop making decisions. Why not live for a year without worrying about impact. Go traveling. Read. Take up hobbies. Enjoy getting to know you. Don't worry about butterfly effects of impact.

You sound amazing. Yes you have had troubles but your achievements so a resilient, level person. Build on that. I hope it gets better.

B0jangles

The part about losing the motivation to paint and draw is really really suggestive of depression - a very common symptom is anhedonia, which is when things that you used to get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction just... stop. That's one of the big reasons why people with depression don't just get up and do fun things to cheer themselves up, like people often suggest - knowing something should be fun and not being able to feel it can be very upsetting.

Well bloody done you for discussing it with your doctor - that's a huge step

Hannibal_Smith

Agreed about getting help... But just wanted to say that using other people as a marker for success is going to torment you. I think it must be something in how we're brought up, that everyone must move forward in procession together and if you don't you get left behind.

At the end of the day it's not true (which I'm sure you know but I'll say it anyway). Youve no idea of what landed in someone else's lap or what led them to where they are. You've put yourself through college with no help financially, you've worked more an enormous amount of hours and tried to juggle everything, by the sounds of it. You're not left behind you're just on a different path.

I worked full time since I was 18. Other people probably looked at me with my full wage and their empty purses and wondered. But I hope they never so me as successful over them. They're the one with the college degree and who 20 years later when the crash happened swanned in to jobs ahead of me because of their education.

There are so many people living at home at 30. What choice do you have? It's the climate that we're in at the moment. You're right to save and keep saving. That's the right thing to do. It's not a marker for success or lack of.

You will get there. It may feel delayed or that your chickens should have come to roost before now but hang on in. It will be worth it in the end when you have your savings and your college education behind you.

Regarding the weight loss. Just go out. Have Mon Wed and Thurs, or whatever 3 days as a walking day. Chuck a pair of runners on your feet and go walk for 30 mins. Stick a pair of earphones in your ear. 15 mins in you'll be half way there. Set an alarm on your phone for the 15 mins and you're on the countdown to the final 15. Up it by another day when you feel ready... Or by walking a a bit longer.

wiggle16

In work at the moment but I will reply properly later!

Thanks Hannibal.

I could probably do with exercising more, my energy was just so low that it was hard to push myself to do it and again I've been in the whole "whats the point" mindset for a long time. Walks are a good idea, I live beside a park so I really have no excuse not to! My dog will be delighted anyway!

dellas1979

Eat the meat and leave the bones - take the good out of every situation.

You live at home and are safe, and are able to save.
Youve an education.
You get to spend time with your parents, in whatever way
Youre obviously intelligent (and give good and thoughtful advice!)
Youve no ties at the moment (travel where you want to)

Yes-there are things you can change, if you want. Loose weight. Buy a house. Get a better job.

They can be (eventual) goals. And people reach goals with little steps.

This is a good thing that you feel a fire is lit under you to do things-but all has its own good time. Believe me.

All you can do is try enable yourself/put the wheels in motion.

wiggle16

Dalomanakora wrote: »

I definitely think it'd be worth a chat with your GP, though. Sounds to me that because you're not harming yourself, you've essentially given up the only coping mechanism you actually know. And that's not a mechanism you should ever go back to, but ultimately what you're describing sounds like you have no methods of coping and because of that, are spiralling downwards.

I think you are probably right - I had not thought of it that way at all but that makes sense. I have managed for two years without it under my own steam so I'm definitely not going back to it, but what you've said put it in perspective a bit better.... in many ways I could have told myself that at any point over the last couple of years and my response to myself would have been "get over yourself, you do it because you can't do anything right and want to feel bad for yourself rather than admit to yourself that you're useless..." etc. I realise I'm making myself sound like a crazy person but that's the thought process!

B0jangles wrote: »

The part about losing the motivation to paint and draw is really really suggestive of depression - a very common symptom is anhedonia, which is when things that you used to get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction just... stop. That's one of the big reasons why people with depression don't just get up and do fun things to cheer themselves up, like people often suggest - knowing something should be fun and not being able to feel it can be very upsetting.
Well bloody done you for discussing it with your doctor - that's a huge step

Anhedonia is definitely one of the things I recognised in myself the last while, and I've had bouts of it for the last couple of years. I took out an unfinished drawing a few weeks ago and made myself finish it but didn't get much satisfaction from it. I find I can paint in flurries where I will do a load of them in a frenzy and then I won't be able to do anything for ages. Good thing I don't do it for a living! But the last two months, zilch.
It was the most awkward conversation I have had for a long time but I managed to bring it up in a round about way.

dellas1979 wrote: »

Eat the meat and leave the bones - take the good out of every situation

joeguevara wrote: »

You are focusing on all the things you consider bad and actually have connected all the good things to that.

Yous have all been very helpful and kind and I appreciate it. Thanks again all

leggo

Not much to add to the great advice given, but wanted to chime in with support: wiggle you've been a HUGE help to people on PI for ages now. It's really good that you were brave enough to write out all of your thoughts because you've been on the other side, advising people, and being able to identify when they're being ridiculously harsh on themselves. Take it from everyone here saying the same thing: that's happening now. So try read back your post objectively and pick apart the parts that you would tell others are irrational and overly harsh, try identify the positives you would highlight in it (because there are loads), then believe and accept it.

Do that and it will buy you some temporary relief to act. The thing is, when it's long lasting issues, that these are bad thoughts patterns we've gotten into. Like a bad habit and it happens to even the strongest and most rational of us. The only way to truly deal with them is to get to the root causes, find out when these patterns were planted in our heads and do some mental surgery to extract them forever and get into the habit of engaging with some more positive patterns. Counselling is great for this and can be done relatively cheaply and accessibly. Look up the IACP website if you need somewhere to go to find someone. I guarantee one day you'll look back on this and be baffled that you were in this mindset.

wiggle16

Thanks very much leggo, you're very kind. Same to you. I'll take a look at that site for sure.
I'm a bit apprehensive about taking the medication but I'm going to start on Monday, I think. I got a date for another interview in my department yesterday, so that's good too, position is nowhere near as good as the other job in terms of pay increase and what I'll be doing (I was actually really excited about the work I would have been doing) but it's a change and I suppose that's what I need the most - as you point out, the root of it. I know one of the names on the interview panel and he can be an absolute b*stard to deal with but he's met his match, so fingers crossed!
I'm going to "de-clutter" (I'm in a box room and I'm a bit of a hoarder, not a good combination :rolleyes: ) and try to learn another language (I speak six but this time I'll learn one I will actually have an opportunity to use!). My dog is getting walked more than around the corner and back from next week on. So I'll see how I get on.

Thanks again all. I'm very grateful to everyone who took the time to post

x

Dalomanakora

Sounds like you're already making changes and that's fantastic. Change is good, especially when you're down and in a rut. Keep it up and don't be apprehensive about meds. I'm sure you know yourself, it's the same as medicating any illness. If you need it, no shame in it.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Wiggle I only know you through your posts here but from them it's very clear that you're a compassionate, intelligent, thoughtful person; and, I'd imagine, those are the things you would value and be drawn to in other people, recognise their value in yourself.

So through circumstances beyond your control, and which you dealt with very very well, you ended up having to have another go at college and moving home. I'm your age, the ones who came into early adulthood during an unprecedented global recession and then into this insane housing crisis, I know barely anyone (anyone for whom it was an option that is, abusive backgrounds etc aside) who didn't end up moving home at some point.

All the things you're getting down on yourself about were genuinely not because of any failure of character or effort or anything on your part, and, not to downplay them but they are insignificant compared to the things you HAVE achieved, and the person you are.

If your manner of presenting yourself and interacting with people on here is any reflection of how you are in real life then I guarantee you you're someone who has brought so much wisdom and kindness and comfort to the people in your life. People like that don't grow on trees, and when people think of and remember you I very much doubt the first, second or tenth thing they think of is "lives with his parents".

And if any do then fcuk em! There's no divine law that says we all have to take the same path at the same pace to the same destination, you have goals, you're working towards them, you will be fine.

The only actual advice I'd have as opposed to fangirling all over you is to take some steps to take of your mental health, which you are doing (and well done on that, it is a really awkward conversation, I know). Exercise as well, it's not a magical cure for depression but fcuk it it doesn't hurt at least. As someone who has also come through it, it can be a lifesaver when the urge to self harm comes up, that physical focus, brain switchy-offy, adrenaline/endorphin buzz.

Best of luck in this and all your endeavours. Everyone is saying it but it bears repeating, extend yourself the same tolerance and kindness that you seem to reflexively extend to other people.

wiggle16

Thanks electro~bitch, that means a lot, it's very kind of you to say. I'm stuck for how to respond except to say thank you, and same to you also!

I'll ask the mods to close the thread now.

Thanks again all

Big Bag of Chips

Thanks to everyone who has posted advice and support for wiggle. You might have noticed his co-moderators stayed (unusually!) silent on this one. Personally I felt no need to reply. Other posters had it all covered. I am very proud of the ethos of the Forum and of wiggle as a moderator that he felt comfortable enough to post under his name and lay himself bare for all too see (and judge?). We have an anonymous posting function for threads exactly like this one, but he chose not to use that.

Thanks to wiggle for trusting the forum and thanks to all the posters who replied in the spirit of the PI forum.

Thread locked at OP's request.