Can someone be so damaged they will never recover?

LegacyUser

My husband and I are married 7 years but together 10. We met when I was 22. At first things were great, he couldnt get enough of me. Then slowly things changed, he would drink and get mean and say awful stuff or shove me and be intimidating.
There were so many red flags and I ignored them all.
Now fast forward 10 years. He has cheated on me. He has punched me in the face. He had disappeared for 2 weeks, 10 days, 5 days. He doesnt bother coming home when hes drunk. Hes been arrested twice. He has spent our mortgage money behind my back more than once.
Now he won't even sleep beside me. He goes in the other room. Its been a year since we had sex.
The thing that I dont understand is that I forgave him for the worst things hes done and he still acts like I am the disgusting one. I saw his messages between him and one of the women he was cheating with. The messages were aboit how great the sex was.
I just dont understand it. This proves he still desires sex so why not with me? I am clean, I wax, my teeth are nice. I even asked my doctor to examine me when I had my smear to see if I'm fully healed from giving birth. She said Im perfect. I dont understand why I am so off putting to him.
Even the last time we did have sex a year ago he said he couldn't come. He had to go really hard to finish and then rolled over and told me to get the **** out of his bed. He treats me like an animal.
Now here is the thing. You are thinking Im an eejit for not leaving but Im terrified of him. Of the impact it will have on the kids. We would be homeless then and I know he would take my children. He said they will hate me when they grow up. That Im poisonous and sick in the head.
Even if Im eating dinner he says I sound like a pig. I dont even eat with them anymore. He laughs at me if he walks in while Im getting changed. He will grab my sides where I have extra weight and make fun of me.
I can do nothing right but I don't know how to get away and I am terrified because even if I manage to get away and start again what if it turns out that the problem is me afterall and I end up abused again or end up alone.
My own self esteem is so low. Even if my boss shows me something in work I try hold my breath because Im afraid I have bad breath and that he'll think Im rotten. I feel utterly worthless and Im afraid to face it in case it never gets better. At the moment I live in a bubble, get through day to day and dont over think it but Im 32 and other than my kids I am a mess. I feel like there is too much damage to ever recover from so its easier to ignore it.

Yellow pack crisps

First things first, none of this is your fault. You’re being physically and mentally abused. If a kid did this to one of your kids, what would you think, do? Your husband has you were he wants you, full of disgust and full of fear and low self esteem. You need to leave him. There is resources out there to help you. It will be tough but ultimately not tougher than what you are going through at the moment. Your husband is the damaged one. Not you. Why would you want to have sex with him again? He is an abusive bully. You need to call www.womensaid.ie and discuss your options. This is not something you or your children should put up with. They more than likeky know something is seriously wrong in their house. Look at the affect this is having on you? Eating separately because your pig of a husband knows how to manipulate and bully you? There is nothing wrong with you. You put your family first, he does not. Let that sink in. Only you can end this cycle of abuse. Regardless of age no one should put up with this life. I promise you that if you leave, you will be happier in the future. You need to reclaim your life. You have the strength, you do. Reach out to the countless resources that are out there. Also document everything that he has done to you, physically and mentally. Your kids won’t hate you, kids aren’t stupid, they know who the asshole is here. Best of luck.

Suttree

You're braver and stronger than you know for not letting that bully and coward break you. Your life and the lives of your children will really start once you're rid of him, and you'll look back and be surprised with how far you will have come.

Goodigal

My heart went out to you reading your post OP. You do not need this man in your life. He has taken so much from you - and yet you want him to want you. Please never let yourself think that way again. As hard as it will be, you need to make a new life for you and your children. You're so young, and you have so much of your life ahead of you. Please get in touch with Women's Aid, or even a close, trusted friend or family member, and make plans for the rest of your life. You don't deserve to live like this.

Emme

OP you need to leave this abusive bully. Others gave good advice and told you to contact Womens Aid www.womensaid.ie

There's another site called Stop Domestic Violence in Ireland http://stopdomesticviolence.ie/

If he hasn't started on your children he will sooner or later. You need to get out for their sake. Don't mind him when he says you won't get them or they will hate you. That is lies and abuse. You need to get good advice from one or both of the sites above. Also if you have good friends contact them.

LegacyUser

I would imagine he doesn't want to have sex with you because he thinks you want to be desired, it suits him better to make you feel low, undesirable and confused.

Guaranteed if you didn't want to have sex with him he would be pestering you for it to treat you like a piece of meat to get the same effect.

He is disgusting. Why do you think he would take your children or be able to?

None of this is your fault. and don't worry about this happening to you again, because you are going to get help!! You will need to contact someone professional like womens aid, especially as you are terrified of him.
But you will get help and support and realise your worth again and live a life you probably can't even imagine right now!

Sorry about that

Well done for posting op. This is a small but real start. After the way you have been treated, I'm amazed that you have the strength to do even this; his bullying is totally disempowering you, but you still told your story.

You know you have to get him out. If and when the marriage ends it will be his fault. If you don't get out of this hell, you will end up mentally and/or physically in bad shape, and you won't be able to look after your children as well as you'd like to.

Your post is extremely upsetting, please call women's aid and get the ball rolling. Would love to say what I think of your other half but I'd be banned from here for life if I did.

Ursus Horribilis

I can only second the advice already given about contacting Women's Aid.

I also think you could do with getting legal advice about where you stand. You seem to believe that if you do anything, you'll be left homeless and struggling. You don't necessarily have to be the one who leaves the family home. And that awful husband of yours can't just wash his hands of you all financially. If you quietly go find out what your rights are, it might help you see things more clearly.

Your children know far more about what's going on than you think. Sadly, they might also be learning that either it's OK to be an abusive spouse or that it's acceptable to be abused. Do you want them to grow up thinking either is the norm? If your husband is as odious as this, they night be happier with him gone too.

Arrival

He should be shot, actually can't believe such vile people exist. You have to leave him, read and listen to the advice shared in this thread and research more if you have to. You also need to confide in someone, tell them everything from this thread, and assure them that you will leave him but need help and a witness to do so.

shesty

OP, I cannot say this often or loud enough- you are not the problem, he is.Quite frankly, he is an absolute s%&te.I am not given to violent feelings but your post has aroused feelings of rage in me.Please, please take the the advice of posters above.And please do not be afraid to contact and ask for help.Of course he will say that he will take the kids-the reality is that he probably has a snowball's chance in hell of that.No court will allow him to keep them, and if it comes to it, he more than likely won't want to be stuck with them, since he sounds fairly selfish. As someone else said, please get legal advice.

The big thing here IS your kids OP.They see and hear it all.This is their idea of a normal parent relationship.Do you want them to grow up and think this is how a relationship should be?Do you want them to see you being treated like this, to think this is a normal way for a woman to be treated?Please contact one of the agencies above.This man is a bully and a horrible piece of work, and you do not deserve this.

completedit

Please don't stay in that. For the love of God life is short, he's a creep, a savage. I'm so sad reading this.

Hannibal_Smith

Misery Guts, is that what he calls you? Is that why you picked the username?

You are not the problem. I hope you look at the link posted above and seek help.

Your kids will not be taken from you. He is tapping in to your worst fears to keep you there to bully some more.

Unanimous

Find your voice!
Get counselling, start speaking to someone about it.
Let it be on record.
One day you will wake up and say no more.

holliehobbie

Please contact Women's Aid. My ex husband was abusing me through the crap legal system we have in Ireland. It was only when I sat down with one of the fantastic women working for WA that she told me what was going on was actual abuse. It's not always physical abuse, and mental/emotional abuse can be just as damaging. The fact you have a job is a huge plus. I was so glad I had my work and they were also very supportive to me as well. Plus I was then in a better situation when he left than if I had been relying on him for all income. Also women's aid will support you if you have to go to Court. In fact with their help I have gotten further than when I had very expensive solicitors acting for me!