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Heartbroken

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  • 07-05-2019 10:17pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Going unreg for this.

    I met a guy nearly 3 years ago (I'm a guy)...both of us BI and not out. What started as a casual texting thing slowly turned into love. Problem is, he has a girlfriend.
    We've gotten so so close in the last 6 months, met up more in last 6 months than over the previous 2 years. Got to stage we were talking every day. We've kissed twice, once when we met a couple of years ago and second time was a few weeks ago...also slept together last week.

    All of this growing closer has racked him with guilt...he was always honest that he didnt see how relationship ending and to be honest I was just happy to have him in my life, blocking out what I didn't want to see. That was until he told me he had thought about us giving it a proper go..which made me think about it as I'd blocked it up to now. He really surprised me when he told me that and initially I told him I hadn't thought about it, but when I did, I told him that I would give things a proper go....obviously coming out to family etc....we're both mid 30s so would be a big enough deal for both of us but I was prepared to do it. We also live 2 hours away from each other so seeing each other was difficult at times.

    I realised I've totally fallen in love with him, he has regularly told me he loves me, though the guilt has meant that it was being said less often lately.
    We met up about 3 weeks ago, went for a walk and then kissed....the look of anguish on his face afterwards was horrible.....he said he enjoyed it but the guilt was a lot to deal with. He said at that point that he needed to decide whether he was going to continue this or move to just platonic friends. I said I couldn't do platonic as my feelings were too strong, it wouldn't work.
    Then last week we were both out separately in dublin, I was staying in hotel as not from there and he asked to come round later in the night and we slept together.
    He said afterwards that he didnt regret it at all but that it pushed him to hurry and decide whether he wanted platonic only due to the guilt.
    So today after chatting normally it came up, he's decided that he just wants platonic, I said I can't do it and we've cut contact as of this evening.
    Trouble is, it feels so wrong...I've never had anything feel So wrong in my life.....
    For more info, his GF has been asking about marriage/kids and he keeps putting it off as not being ready..theyre together 5 years.
    I Don't know why I'm typing this......maybe just to express my feelings. If I'm honest part of me is stupidly hoping he'll realise that he wants to be with me and finish with the GF....my brain knows that won't happen though as he's always been clear on that.
    Up to a few weeks ago it was really emotional cheating rather than physical....I think thats how he justified it for so long, that nothing physical was happening.
    I feel so so low....I know time will heal but I'm so overwhelmed about how wrong the whole thing feels.


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    #2
    2 fast
    Registered Users Posts: 270 ✭✭2 fast


    Why is it racking him with guilt? Isn't it worh a shot, no regrets then! Best of luck


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    #3
    messy tessy
    Registered Users Posts: 889 ✭✭✭messy tessy


    2 fast wrote: »
    Why is it racking him with guilt? Isn't it worh a shot, no regrets then! Best of luck

    Probably because he is cheating on his girlfriend of 5 years.


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    #4
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

    If this man treated you the way he treats his girlfriend would you be happy? He's showing you what he is like, it would be foolish to ignore it. You aren't going to be the exception, you'll be the cliche - the person who can't believe their partner with whom they had an affair, then cheats on them at a later stage.


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    #5
    Gerianam
    Registered Users Posts: 118 ✭✭Gerianam


    His poor girlfriend! She is building her hopes and dreams on a lie.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Heartbroken19 wrote: »
    I think thats how he justified it for so long, that nothing physical was happening.

    You do realise that the emotional cheating is just as bad, right? For some people, its even worse, they can handle a physical affair, but an emotional one is a bigger betrayal. Neither of you can feel in any way justified by the fact that the physical aspects were few and far between, he's been betraying his girlfriend and you've knowingly facilitated that. Neither of you can claim your actions were ok here, they weren't and that's what should feel wrong to you, not the outcome.


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    #7
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Wow three years, that's rough.

    I wouldn't cry a single tear over the git tbh. Cheats on his GF, dangles a relationship in front of you and then fcuks off after he's booty called you and you've essentially told him you wont kick off over not hearing from him or the relationship not progressing. Sorry but I'm seeing a far less romantic story here and it's a sadly familiar one, closeted people are perfect targets for a certain type of cheater. And theyre usually serial cheaters.

    Are you out to anyone? Dealing with a heartbreak that you can't even acknowledge is incredibly hard, is there anyone you can reach out to for a shoulder to cry on?

    Of course this feels wrong, a big part of your life, and a part you don't share with anyone else, has been taken away. This relationship has doubtless been magnified out of all proportion because of the circumstances; you can't get bored of him, you can't see him and his flaws by seeing him through your friends eyes, the drama of the infidelity as well as the headmelt of the closet are complicating, heightening factors and it's going to be hard to get perspective until you get distance.

    Think about what you want going forward. You deserve better than three years of being someone's not-even-quite bit on the side. And of course his GF deserves better, and any other woman who might be in her position, I'm assuming when you look at this from the outside you don't want to be party to doing that to someone. His GF is not just some background accent to a tragic gay romance, she's a real person capable of feeling just as devastated as you are right now.

    Do you want to come out? Do you want to just explore that aspect of your sexuality or do you specifically want or have curiosity about a romantic commited relationship with another man?

    You don't have to do anything but pretty much every option is better than protracted, complicated, infidelous relationships with other closeted men.

    Stay out of contact with him. Give yourself six months to get over this or at least get the back of it broke and then have a very serious think.

    I'm not sure where in the country you are or your financial circumstances but there is specific therapy you can get to help you deal with the question of coming out, if you can't talk to someone in real life (and I'd pick who you talk to very carefully) it could be very helpful to you.


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